160!!!!

160 followers!!! Yay!!! The numbers slowly go up. That's quite a bit for a birtmother's blog. Sometimes, I run out of things to write about. Is there any questions or topics anyone wants to be tackle? I would be glad to try my best to answer any questions that anyone should have.

My daughter brought me pictures from when she was a baby up until about seven or so. Also, her senior year pictures.

Words can't explain how it feels to look at pictures of my daughter and how much her little girl pictures looked like mine as a young child. How can a Mom ever get over looking at pictures of her child and she doesn't know the child. From what I can tell the child in Izzy looked happy. I got to see some pictures of her around the time her parents had a child of their own. (biologically)

I cried some last night over my loss of Izzy for the first time in well over a year. I can never get that back. I cried over my daughter's parents lack of ability to accept me in their life for the first time since I have made contact on my own. I wish I could have seen pictures of Izzy growing up but wonder if it would be the same thing. Looking into the eyes of a stranger that is my child and not knowing her. Not being able to hold her.

My daughter is moving away for school. She brought me her fish since she isn't taking them on a 20 hour drive with them. How ironic that the first time my daughter was actually in my house is the last time I will see her for a while. It's not suppose to be like that.

I am going to miss her so much. I am proud of her for taking this challenge in life but wished she wasn't so eager to move away.

Merry Christmas to all my readers. May your holiday season be warm and cozy. I hope all my birthparents readers find some happiness even if they are missing their child. I hope all the couples who are sad because they're strongest wish to become parents enjoy the despite they are without children. For my adoptee readers, I wish that you have a very nice time with family. If your in reunion, I dream of parents that can put the children first and put their feelings on the shelf. If your not in reunion and that's your desire is to be.. I hope this is the last Christmas season wishing for reunion.

Christmas shopping

I spent the day with my friend Rachel and we did all of our shopping in one general area. My main goals of the day was to use the toysr@us gift card that I had gotten with buying a gift for my son. I planned on using it to buy something for my granddaughter.

My other goal was to look around for anything else small like candy that I could put in Izzy's Christmas basket. Also, anything that could go in my sons' stockings. I found a candy cane with chocolate and a key chain with Izzy's real name on it.

My last thing to do was to get my little sister a gift and get wrapping paper.

For my granddaughter, I had in mind to get her a Mr or Mrs. Potato head suitcase full of different pieces for her to change. I remember how much fun I had playing with my son with the potato head guy. I only had 25 on the gift card but when I seen the case was 20 bucks I was disappointed cause I wanted to get her a doll too.

Being the type of person that I am... I decided that it's only money and Christmas only comes around once a year and she is getting a doll from Grandma. I picked her out a doll that also sold clothes for it. So, her doll... will need a change of clothes, right? I really would have loved to buy my daughter dolls and barbies but I missed my chance.

I am not going to miss it with my granddaughter.

I did create an very cool pillow for Izzy and she had a basket full of girly items. You can see the picture on my private blog. I have a moment of sadness over not having those early years of dolls but I am overly joyed that I know my daughter and she has accepted me in her life. She hasn't not gotten a Christmas or birthday present since I have had contact with her. It's possible that I enjoy choosing and buying the gifts more than she does receiving them. I have never been given a gift from my daughter. In a small way, it has made me sad. It's not that I need things but just the thought that I am important enough to try to find something special for that person. What I really wish for is a collection of photos from her when she was younger. She has mentioned that her parents didn't take that many pictures of her. How ironic is that the thing I craved the most (besides real contact) was pictures and they didn't take them. Could it have been a subconscious thing to not take them? Who knows.

question

I posted a question over on my private blog. I like to hear what others think so if your up to it.. go check out my other blog and tell me what you think.

Pretty

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Pretty.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Today, I came home from work and found a Christmas card from MELD. I opened it up thinking how sweet a Christmas card to find them asking for money for MELD. I am thinking I might send them about ten bucks or so since I really haven't done anything for them for Christmas. It won't be much but it will be more than what they had before they sent out the cards to people.

I am going to be on vacation after Saturday night. I am so excited at the thought of not working but hoping my sons don't drive me crazy! Sometimes, I feel more rested after working but it's always nice to be with family even though they work me harder than my clients. Hope everyone is doing well.

Christmas party

MELD had it's annaul Christmas party. It was their 30th year up and running. We had a pretty nice time. They had dinner and desert. Also, Santa was there with gifts for the MELD children. The guy that handles the volunteers for the babysitting talked to me about me going only every other week. It went pretty well.

Another great thing about reunion is that it's been easy with my clients to move onto the next stage of openly talking about my daughter. I used to just mention that I have boys. Then, I started saying I have five children between my husband and I. Now, I openly talk about how I have had three children and my oldest is my daughter. I have had the same client for about a year and half and the other one for about four or five months now. Both have some form of dementia so they don't question how I have changed things up when I talk about my children. It's cool that I got to skip the awkward conversation about adoption that I just now have a daughter that I talk about. I don't get into the adoption stuff with them basically it's not going to help me to tell the story 20 times a day. lol. Also, my newest client has adopted children and I just don't want to go there.

A very sweet part of reunion with my lost daughter to adoption is my pleasure to give her gifts for birthdays, Christmas or just because I feel like it. Which I only did that once but it came at time where she said she really needed it. I just love how easy it seems to buy things for her cause she is a girl. I love that her pictures are on my wall for all to see. If it makes anyone in my family uncomfortable then they have the problem. I honestly believe that I enjoy giving her the gifts more than she enjoys them. When one is deprived of something for so long it just changes the whole dynamic of it all.

I remember a time when reading about reunion stories gave me hope but also made me sad cause I felt like I was the only one still missing out on reunion. If your waiting don't lose hope. Some days, you might feel like wishing you could stop loving that person you long for but in your heart you know it just doesn't work that way.

It's beginning to look like my oldest son will be living with me. His Dad isn't happy and said the heats been fixed and the water heater will be fixed this weekend and my son still says not going back there. I don't quite get what's going on over there besides the problems with the mobile home. I knew it was getting serious when my son asks me if he runs away would they look at my place.
Our minor issue is that my ex husband wants my son to give the tv back and then my son won't have one. He has been brought up on video games and movies and this won't be fun for any of us if he doesn't have a tv. I mentioned to my current husband maybe I would buy him one for Christmas and he got mad cause he doesn;t think kids should have better than us. Not as in for Christmas but overall have a better tv or phone in general.
The major issue is that I been debating going and filing for custody and support. Tonight, my ex tried to strike up a deal to have him pay me directly and not change anything. I said, we would have to talk more about it.

I did tell my ex that I really want to see both of the boys living together for this last year or two that Alex is living with parents. It hasn't been easy for them to be apart for five days and then together on the weekend. It's stressful on Stephen and I think Alex too.

I hope this all works out with the least amount of stress as possible and the least amount of fighting.

question

Go visit my private blog. I have a question that I asked and want lots of peoples thoughts on it.

venting

My oldest son has been talking to me about wanting to move back in with us. He has his reasons and some are pretty good ones. I think there maybe more to it like I don't like this new stepmom who just married his Dad. I have been thinking about it a lot. Do we keep talking about it or just go file in court for custody? This could turn into another nasty battle which I really think is bad timing with the holidays but one reason my son wants to move in is that they're furnace don't work and they are using space heaters in a mobile home. They don't have a working hot water heater so they take showers at Grandma's. I have offered my son a place back here for quite sometime but it's just recently that he seems to want to be here with us.
He has been staying about half the week here and then the other half at home. If we are going to go forward then I need child support for our two children. Right now, because we each have one child no one pays.
My son's grandma I guess overheard him talking to someone and he just told me that his Grandma told him privately if he comes to stay with me she isn't buying him a laptop. Now, that is cruel. Also, she shouldn't be buying him one anyways. If his parents who work can't justify buying him a laptop then how does someone living off ssi do it? Also, will be second son get one too? I don't believe playing favorites between kids. Especially if they are brothers/sisters and know what's going on.

I just wanted to vent. This whole laptop thing could influence my son cause he does want one. It's a shame she would even say something like that.

A big part of me just really wants both my sons living together for this last year or two that my oldest is still with a parent. When I am overly nervous wondering if Stephen is okay at the bus stop his brother should be doing the big brother act and watching out for him.

New followers

I have noticed in the last week, I have gained a few new followers. Thanks for your interest in my blog. It's always nice to see people still find what I write interesting enough to follow.

I have been having quite a few dreams about my daughter's birthfather. They kind of come within a night or two of seeing her. In my last dream, we were involved as in laying in bed. oppsss. I am married and not going there but in my dream we were too close for comfort. No sex but cuddling. Then, all of a sudden, I was like OMG I have to call Izzy now that I found you and I am so sorry. Why do I always say I am sorry in my dreams to him?

volunteering

I have come to what I think is a final decision about my volunteering with MELD. I have had a couple weeks off cause of me taking a week and then giving a week off due to the holiday. I am wanting more free time since I am working basically full time.

I am going to finish off the year with two more weeks and then the Christmas party that they put on for everyone. Then, I will tell them that if they will accept my help on my terms I am going to volunteer every other week.

I will plan this out so the weekend that my youngest son goes to his Dad's that I won't volunteer the next day. I am choosing this option because I want to make it a goal to get my son to the YMCA for walking and swimming and maybe even some fun in the game room that they have upstairs. On the weeks that he is home we will do this on Sunday and then I will volunteer. I am pretty good about getting myself to the Y twice a week and if I am super good maybe three times a week. I need to do this for my son. Unfortunately, I need full time work to get the bills paid and to get by without feeling like I am stressed cause I spent a few dollars on myself or my children.

Besides, the obvious that spending time with my child is good and that exercise is good for him I need to do this because we are still battling an obsession with food. I believe that school is making it at least four times worse. He has asked for food and of course we feed him but he hasn't had any major outburst over food while the school was on holiday.

I hope they can agree to my terms. I can't help MELD if I don't take care of myself and my family. I don't want to walk away from volunteering cause it was really a lifesaver for me. It made life a little easier to bare while I waited for my reunion with Izzy go in turtle speed. It gave me stuff to think about besides that. I will continue to support MELD with donations of clothes and toys when I can afford it.

At my company's last meeting, I did bring up MELD so maybe in the next couple months when we have another meeting they will consider having MELD come and speak and get support from some of my co workers.

This message was put on FB by MELD. I want to do something for MELD but on a smaller scale than last year. I am thinking of adopting a Mom to make her a gift basket kind of close to what I am making Izzy for Christmas. Is there anyone that would want to donate either money towards this gift or have anything extra mommish that you would want to donate. No pressure. It's just a thought as of right now.


Happy Thanksgiving. Help make it a happy holiday by adopting a MELD young family, mom or toddler. Contact Rachel Miller, Shelter Supervisor at 815-993-3369 x17 for information on how you can help.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blogger friends!! Hope you have a great day with family and turkey!!

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband. We don't always see eye to eye on everything but I do know that I am lucky to have him. This morning, he said, you mean I am stuck with you till tomorrow afternoon. I said, "yea and that should be okay as long as your own my good side. He said, isn't that the truth. haha. Cause I can be a royal pain in the butt if I am unhappy about something.

I have been very lucky when it comes to Izzy. I see her quite often now. It's not always a long amount of time but she is asking more questions and I love that I get to see her on her own sometime. It doesn't mean that I don't love her BF or my sons but it's nice to get that quality time alone to talk.

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I have been in contact with our daughter for two years now. I have actually been seeing her face to face for a year now. She is beautiful! I am losing track of how many times I have actually seen her. This year hasn't been easy. We have moved very slow to get to where we are now. There were days where I thought she could care less to see me.
She has been slow with the questions and I have answered them the best I can do. Sometimes, I do feel like I wish for more privacy when the questions come up. We both tend to talk and it's easy to get side tracked into another subject.
Izzy has had great parents and she seems very happy. She has asked about you and I gave her what information that I can remember from way back then. I feel bad that I just don't know more about where you are or what has come out of your life.
She is very interested in ethic background and I don't know if we ever found you if you could answer those questions since you were also adopted. How ironic is it that you were adopted and so were two of your children. I hope it stops with her. Adoption can be a beautiful thing but it also destroys families and takes away the ability for those left in the dust of adoption to have answers to the questions of background. I hope someday you think to look me up and Izzy can possibly learn more about you.
I hope your haven't found me cause your having a good life and not cause something horrible like a jail sentence or worse that you have died at a young age. Maybe, you don't feel like you have a right to ask questions about Izzy. We can't change the past but who knows what the future holds.

Side note: These letters to him are a form of therapy for me but I use the real name and info for him but I do protect my daughter's name. I do that just in case this story ever rings a bell and someone knows something. I know it's a slim chance but who knows, right?

Forgiveness

For those that been reading a long time might remember how my husband used to treat me poorly about my desires to meet my daughter and make my sadness worse because he didn't think I had a right to grieve. He thought I should move on. He thought blogging was stupid. He thought the scrapbook was a waste of time. He said, he would send Izzy walking if she knocked on our door. A lot of these things was said when he was drunk. He has been sober for three years in may.

I won't blog in detail here but will do in my private blog cause I just love to write it down. I invited my husband out to have dinner with my daughter. It wasn't the first time he met her cause she took my son to Great America during the summer. I didn't have any control over that meeting cause it had to be done for my son to get picked up to go. Today, I did have a choice and have if not forgiven him for everything but pretty darn close to forgiving him.

I wanted to share that part of my life with her cause she is important to me and by the rules in marriage that means he has to learn to love her too.

Question

I learned thru blogging that the term "monkey" can be racist against black people. I figure since I never knew it until I read it thru blogging that I would ask the question here.

My kids were at the YMCA playing what we call "Monkey in the Middle" You know the game of whoever is throwing the ball and the middle person (what we call Monkey) gets it then the person changes place with the middle person.

When we were at the YMCA a little black boy about 12 or so asked if he could play with us. I almost said, "sure, we are playing monkey in the middle" then I remembered how I read thru blogging that it could be offensive to use the term monkey to him.

All in all.. we had a good time and after my youngest son and I got tired of playing my oldest son and him goofed around for quite a while. So what's the thoughts on this.. Would we been wrong to keep calling our game Monkey in the middle? Or did we do right not to use that term in front of him.


I honestly say that when I use the term monkey... I am thinking of a four legged creature that hangs from trees and eats bananas and I don't know where my game came from. I have always heard of that game since I was a kid. The same with sitting Indian style which I know the schools now call that criss cross applesauce.

regret

Last week, somehow my oldest son and I spoke for a minute or so on regret. I don't remember how or why but I said something about regret. He assumed that his Dad would be my biggest regret. I kind of giggled cause I knew I knew what he was thinking without him actually saying it. I said, "no, I can't regret your Dad cause I have you and your brother. He then said, "someone older" I knew he meant Izzy's birthfather even though we haven't talked about him. I know he overheard me talking once. I said, "no"

I really didn't want to talk about my biggest regret. It would be the adoption of my daughter. Yes. It's still my biggest regret even though we met and she has had a good life. I regret that I am not her Mom. I regret that she isn't my daughter in the same way my sons are my sons. I regret that Stephen doesn't count her as his sister. I don't think he means to diss her but just forgets and hasn't had the sister/brother relationship. They have seen each other three times. A real brother and sister can't tell you how many times they have seen each other. They are brother and sister it's just not the same.

Dreams again

I was telling my sister how I dream about Izzy from time to time but it's something that never happened before I met her. she said it's cause your dreams are a photogenic memory that your brain plays back. It sounded better when she said it.
I dream of giving birth more than I care to admit. The pain is so real (in my dreams) that it shakes me some cause where is the baby? Well, anyways, if this isn't too personal to answer to those that are adopting or adopted cause of the lack of ability to get pregnant or stay pregnant do you dream of having babies in any form? If you do... is it the physical form of giving birth? I am just wondering about this all. Sometimes, I wish I would quit dreaming of giving birth cause it's always a darn boy!!!! hahaha I can laugh at that now but I really wanted to have another daughter but I do have her in my life and things are going well.

Dreams

I had a dream that Izzy was over at my house and I wanted to show her how big her scrapbook is getting to be. Even though, I haven't been working on it. I really need to. Well, anyways, I go to show her the book and it's empty. Everything, I have done is lost. There is no going back and doing it again if that were to happen.

I did just last night send a request from the teacher in 9th grade to send me a picture of her so I could include her in my book since she played an important role in my life. This morning she wrote me back and said that's a great idea.

I think part of my not being in the mood to do the book that I really do want to start expressing more stuff as in my feelings so I think it's just hard to really put the pen to the paper.

Question to my adoptee friends thru blogging. Do you want to hear the sad stuff resulting in adoption? As in the emotions from not having the baby then child in your life? I want to share this as part of my story in my scrapbook but I don't want Izzy to feel she is responsible for the things that I went through. They are my issues and not hers. I have never once regretted seeing the pregnancy to the end with a live birth. I have never once said, I wish Izzy wasn't born. I am happy she was born. She is a beautiful girl and I am very proud of her.

I am still volunteering for ME*LD but lately my heart hasn't been in it. There is a lot of people coming to volunteer and I suppose that is good. I believe their is six of us. It would be seven on the rare nights my sister can how up. I feel like I get stuck with the baby that cries for a full 90 minutes. It bothers me when I tell a volunteer that the baby looks wet cause she has a fat diaper and she says no she said she changed her and doesn't check her. Then, gets wet pants cause she gets pee'd on. But this Mom didn't bring a diaper bag and the diapers that ME&*LD had around are too small. So, I get the attention of the Mom's and the Mom comes to make the small diaper work and says to us. "I wish you had a bigger diaper" Huh? Your the Mom. It's your baby. Bring a diaper. And why when I have six other volunteers do have to point out that the baby your holding is wet.

I haven't totally decided but I think I am ready to call it quits. Or call it by ear and if all six volunteers are going to return after this session then say I am going to take a break. I believe in what they are doing and will always probably support them in one way or another but I want my Monday night back.

I am thinking I will probably let Christmas pass without doing anything or much for them cause I just don't feel like I have the money. I do know that ME*LD gives them a party and gives them gifts so I can live with that.

My ex husband got a new girlfriend and I got to disliking her fast cause after one weekend with my son she suggested a school for autistic children about an hour away from us. She also wouldn't let him eat birthday cake at a party cause he already had treats that day and she knew kids with adhd don't need a lot of sugar.

My son is on the autism spectrum but he is mainstreamed. No thank you to an hour away school and my son isn't adhd. He may have add that wasn't sucessful in treating with medication but my son isn't hyper.

We had them my ex and his new girlfriend over for a bbq and she seems to talk way too much. We had a meeting to talk about kids and she got up to take a call which is rude.

Lately, I been having to call her phone cause the ex's phone and my son's phone was shut off. She has actually been super friendly and I am starting to dislike her a little less. I still think they are not responsible parents but I do think she is trying.

My ex announced he is marring her on Friday and wants to pick up my son. I don't know why but this is kind of bugging me a little bit. She isn't the Momma. I hear stories about my ex will tell her what my son's favorite meals are that I or his Grandma cooks and she gets hurt cause he doesn't love it. I find it a little bit funny that she is trying to compete with our cooking. Maybe, I feel weird cause my sons will have a stepmom now too. I always fear my ex waking up and wanting to steal my youngest son from me. He mostly wanted our oldest son to avoid paying support and to get a tax credit. He won't admit it but that was our biggest fight when we were splitting. Soon, my oldest son will be 18 and he will have to pay support again.

I think adoption has given me the fear of losing my children. My husband's assures me that he will never get his hands on Stephen.

I think one thing crappy about this whole getting married thing is that he expects me to dress him for the wedding. Basically some dress pants and a dress shirt.

Sorry I needed to vent.

I always can't help but look at the ads in the newspaper saying we want your baby to love and to call me. I got to thinking how must it feel to place that ad in a newspaper that next to it says "lost kitty cat" or "burial spot for sale" or SM looking for SF for company" Or "help wanted" To me it just screams desperate. Sorry. if that's harsh. It's just I don't think women who are considering adoption says gee let me see if I can find parents for my unborn child. Oh. Here is one or two couples one of them must be the ones.

I thought about how maybe this post could offend some and thought about taking it down but I changed my mind. I am not making fun at couples who are in that feeling of being desperate for a child just think they could think of a less tacky way to try to put themselves out there. I wonder if the ones in the newspapers who trying to do an adoption with the least amount of cost which could boil down to both parties not getting the best end result of the adoption or not adoption.

Bragging moment

I was so nervous about middle school but my son keeps proving me wrong and has made some great grades for his first middle school report card. He earned 1 A 2 B"S 2 C'S and one D. The D was in health cause he is slow and wasn't able to get his work done. We requested that because he has an IEP and works at a slower pace that we get a book for him to complete his work where most children probably can get it done in the classroom time. He has a very low F. So, the D is an improvement and I am very proud of him for earning these grades.

Also, tomorrow, he is getting tested for his tutoring company. We got our first choice. We decided against online tutoring cause we felt like it would be unlikely that he would get past the computers and toys of it. He will get 60 hours of tutoring total and they provide the ride. At the end, they will test him again.

I am so proud of my son. He works so hard and we want to give him an reward but not sure what yet. I am thinking a few bucks to buy a movie. I don't wait it to be nothing that would break my bank cause my son is a creature of habit and would have a hard time if the next time he earned these awesome grades if the reward wasn't as good or even basically the same. Example, my son gets a chocolate shake if after having an dental exam he doesn't have any cavities. He will not let you get a minute of peace until he gets his shake. My son had a severe phobia of dentists so that is another area where he has blown us away with overcoming his challenges.

Any suggestions on rewards?

Private blog

I like to throw out the reminder that I do keep a private blog to invited readers only. If anyone is interested leave me your email address in the comment form or email me and I will send you an invite. If anyone has lost the link it's under my blog.

A year in review

One year ago, I met my daughter for the first time. She brought her boyfriend for support and I brought my little sister for support. We shared on first meal together. Well, not the first, I did feed her when she was born but you all know what I mean. I don't remember what I ate but I do remember eating soup and spilling it on myself. Her boyfriend just looked at me and laughed and said, "well we now know where you get that from" I guess Izzy spills on herself a lot too and spilled ranch on herself. We had a really good time talking and in a lot of ways it just felt natural.
I had seen pictures of her online but never could I have prepared myself for how beautiful my daughter is and how much love that I feel for her.

Reunion doesn't cure all that goes into adoption loss. The reason I got into volunteering for MELD was because I needed something to do with my time to take my focus off my daughter. I had to accept the reunion at her pace even though I wanted to speed it up.

It took almost a whole year of communication through facebook before she was ready to meet. It's an experience beyond words that I can even put to words. It was a slow process and at times I would get discouraged and wasn't sure if I would see her again. I had to keep reminding myself at her pace and to think of her age. I be honest and admit there were some dark days where I wanted to just walk away. Some days where I wished I could stop loving her. I had days where I thought my daughter could either take or leave me. Just for the record my dark days were before meeting her and after meeting. It wasn't nothing she did or didn't do but meeting up wasn't as big as a need for her than me.

I am glad that I had support from blogging and support from a couple friends not to mention my little sister who met Izzy and came bowling with us when all my kids met at the bowling alley for the first time. Also, so glad that I have stayed with volunteering for MELD cause it gives me an outlet for feeling like I am doing something to make a difference in a young family's life.

It took almost another full year before my daughter met me without her boyfriend joining us. We never discuss if he is coming or not so it was a little surprise when we met without him. It was great though cause we went to the place he waits tables at and he was our waiter. So, it was just us two but she had the comfort of him being close by. I don't know for a fact if he came along to help her for more at ease or it's cause they are connected at the hip. It's not something we have really talked about. She has been with him for three years now and I think someday they will get married.

My daughter has seen both my sons a couple times and I wish it to be more but it's hard to get together when mostly we have to hang out having meals or doing things. I don't think we are at a point where one could just go visit at each other's house.

So far, my daughter has met my husband, step daughter and her boyfriend and their daughter. (my granddaughter) those meetings were not planned. She just happened to be here when she dropped my son off cause she took him to six flags to use his free ticket he earned. My Dad has expressed interest in meeting her and my daughter said she was willing but I don't think it's cause she wants to do it. I have made the decision not to bring anyone else into the reunion process with my daughter unless she requests it. I am okay with my daughter getting closer to her brothers, my sister (which is an aunt to her) I just don't want to do anything to scare her away and mostly I just want to concentrate on our relationship with each other.

Mostly this decision is based on only wanting to focus on getting to know each other but there is a part of me that just isn't ready to share her with people who are not comfortable admitting she exists or can't remember her name. One day, my Dad says she is his granddaughter but when he does the count he doesn't count her. Mostly, he can't remember her name. There is a part of me that understands not counting her before reunion and before her pictures are up on my wall but afterwards I just don't get it.

I made a comment on FB about the year anniversary and I admit that I worry what if it upsets Izzy for calling attention to the fact that I am her birthmom. I told link the status to her page but I did use her name. She took it well and said it was nice.

I am happy to report that we have plans soon but don't want to give the date away just in case someone in real life reads and suddenly has a health crisis or something to keep her away. That's the paranoid side of me fearing she will be taken away from me and isn't based on anything someone's did or done,

I hope if my daughter would ever to see this that she wouldn't get upset with me sharing my story. I hope it can give insight and hope to others. If I could paint a perfect reunion story I might paint it a bit different but it's not in my time. I have to let her set the pace and I can do that for her.

Almost one year ago.....

On Monday, will be one year since I met Izzy face to face for the first time since she went home with her parents. If I take the time to think hard I can tell you how many times I seen her but it would take some thought and for that I am grateful for. Meaning, that it's getting to be enough that I know it's more than one or two. I will probably blog more in detail about the one year anniversary but it's late and I should call it a night. Even though, I keep most of my reunion in my private blog, I wanted to say a quick thank you for all those that have been with me during this journey of finding my daughter, making contact and reunion.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info. Through my company, I have a client in a retirement home and they put on a party and they all got to vote on a scarecrow. I put up two pictures of my favorite ones. It was a fun but busy day. Then, with my other client, we baked an apple pie from fresh. I have never made a pie and when someone has memory issues you never know to quite trust them or not. However, I have found that even with the memory issues they do teach me stuff. We didn't eat any of the pie. So, if she offers me a slice of it. I might have to take back that statement of her teaching me. I am not much of a baker. I can make homemade cookies. I made a homemade texas sheet cake for a client once. I can do cupcakes and cakes from a box. One thing that doesn't like me is rising dough as in crust for a pie.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Work meeting

My company does meetings quarterly. I went to the meeting tonight. They announced some great news. In a matter of weeks, they went from having 900 client hours to fill to 1800 to fill and they were so proud that the caregivers pulled it. I know some really have been working tons of hours. The plan is hire more people. I hope they continue to have success. I felt compelled to talk about MELD cause they try to do donations for the community. So, they agreed to look into asking the director of MELD to come speak at our next staff meeting to get a fundraiser going for them. My boss even knew who she is. So, good news all around with my company. Sometimes, I love my job and other days I hate it. But I suppose most people have their good and bad days.

My husband and I were talking about my oldest sons request for a laptop for Christmas and how it's more than we can afford to spend. I mentioned that I have five children to buy gifts for. I say, I, cause my husband isn't into gift giving at holidays. He is more the kind of guy that just picks up something when he feels like it. Well, anyways, my husband said the only person that I have to buy for is my two sons. So, he is excluding Izzy and my step kids (his own kids) I am pretty sure he is saying this more cause the other three are grown compared to two being step children and one being a daughter that I have reunited with. For me it's not that simple. I don't know if I can ever let a Christmas go by without buying Izzy gifts cause gift giving was taken away from me so long ago. I think I get more pleasure in it than she does. The fact that I am her Mom doesn't come into play when it comes to gift giving. The only thing that I do have to consider is that she does have parents that I am sure buys her things and she is an adult and can make choices on how to spend her money. So, while it may not be even compared to dollars but my daughter is my daughter and she gets gifts. Again, probably more for me. I have so much fun. It will be my third Christmas since I had the option. As far as my step kids are concerned.... I love buying them a little something too. Especially if I think I can hit what I think they might like on the nose. Sometimes, I feel like my husband is cheap and would rather I not buy people gifts but oh well. Got to love him though.

Volunteering

I am still volunteering for MELD. I don't know why I punish myself so badly. Lately, even though we have three to six volunteers we still get one or two children that just scream and scream. However, before all the kids came it was just me and two other ladies and one about the same age as me asked me how or why I got involved with MELD. I told her that I had a child young and my Mom basically forced adoption on me and I found my daughter on facebook and I needed something to take my mind off her. I said, I was so focused on her and I had to let her take her pace with things and thought MELD would be good cause I always believed that people should help young parents so it was time I did it. I told her how it's been very slow. It took almost a complete year to meet her in person and then almost another year to actually have dinner with her alone. It was nice to share my story but I do kind of think that I need a break from MELD. It's not fun anymore. It's crying and crying and it was my anniversary and nothing was fun about it. There is screaming going on at home and then I go into screaming. I feel stressed with everything.

My husband sent me this news story. You can read about it here. It's worth reading it. I feel like it's about time. My husband says "what about what's in the best interest of the child?" It's about time that line doesn't work. If a rich person were to take my child could they use that same line? I feel bad for the adoptive parents as it states that they didn't believe to know that the adoption was fishy. I feel bad for the child and it's sad it has ever happened, but she belongs with her family. I say it's about time a judge orders the child returned when it's proven that the adoption was done illegally. I hope it sends a news flash that says Stop stealing children. They are not dogs that you can steal of the street and pawn them off as needing homes and charge a nice finders fee.

In-home care compared to pricey retirement homes

This has been a hard question to answer cause when it comes to choosing between the two a lot is at stake and there isn't an easy answer to this question to compare the two options.

I want to think about quality of life. I think both options have some major pros and cons to them both.

If a person were to stay in their own home... they are right where their memories of a lifetime might be. Most of the elderly that I have came in contact have really spacious houses and even those that have downsized seem pretty spacious to me. If they are in their home then they can have a cat or a dog and having a pet has been proven to help lower blood pressure. It's been proven to lower the risk of depression. It may also keep someone fit if they need to walk the dog. They have a full kitchen and can take part in what is being cooked. They can assist in the housework and help the caregivers learn how they like things done and how to do this or that. I have learned that most are still set in wanting towels folded their way even though maybe they can no longer do all the work.
In their own home.. the family and the person can decide how many hours they would like a caregiver come to their house. They can select as a little as 2 hour shifts or longer. They might choose to have help come in a few times a week or daily. They can add or reduce the hours as they see fit. However, with my company once the caregiver gets her assignments the client can't out of the blue so I don't feel like having Sally come over today. So, cancel the service for the day just cause they don't feel like it will result in them being charged for the service anyways. Unless, it was a medical thing then that is different.

Caregivers are limited to what they can and should be doing. Families shouldn't just think we hired a caregiver now all Mom's and Dad's needs are taken care of. Most companies will provide light housekeeping but we are not deep cleaning maids. We will not be out there mowing the lawn and pulling weeds. We won't be shoveling the driveway unless it's maybe to clear a walk to make it safe for those coming and going. If the caregiver is willing you might get some that will go beyond what they are told are the job requirements and help Mom pull weeds or plant a flower or two. I personally will do a little bit of that if my client is trying to do it too. then, it's interactive caregiving.

Caregivers can suggest Mom or Dad write check for this bill or that but if their minds just don't work like it used too and they insist that they paid it already or they don't need that magazine that they been getting then it's out of our hands. We can't write the checks for them and can't make them do it. We can notify our office if we think stuff isn't getting done.

In the retirement homes a lot of the stuff as in housekeeping and cooking is going to be done without them having a say in it. They get menus and have an alternative if they don't like what is being served. They do get the choice of sitting with other residents to enjoy their meals. I was sitting with my client until the family member decided it was best if she didn't have a caregiver with her for lunch. One little old lady said I would give anything just to bake one more cake again.

They don't have kitchens in their rooms so cooking is out of the question. Most of the residents living quarters is about the size of my living room plus bathroom and tiny kitchen with a sink. Not all the residents even get a refrigerator/freezer in their room.

I think some good points for the pricey retirement homes is that they do seem to have a lot of events going on for the residents. I can only speak for the one that I have been working at through my company. The residents get a monthly calender showing them what events are going on and where in the center it is. I have seen some pretty awesome stuff keep life fun for the residents. Also, this home is a Christian home so it meets the needs of people who want to have a place where they feel they can worship God and be around others who believe the same thing.

I think the homes might be a little better at keeping the elderly occupied with something to do cause they have more resources and idea on what to put on. Almost everything they do is free to the residents except rides to places and in my job sometimes finding things to do outside of the home that don't cost can be a challenge. The client has to pay for us if we go out to eat or do something that costs and at times for me that makes it hard for me to really be assertive and say let's go get a movie and dinner. I feel like they might think that I am taking advantage of them.

I have on a few occasions brought a movie and once I even paid to order us a pizza. So, it can be done it's just not as easy.

I think most homes probably have a big bus and people can sign up to go to outings like Walmart and other stores but it's always going to be on their time and their destination that was already picked. Most pricey homes will have almost everything that you can think of wanting or needing. Women go to the beauty salon and get hair and nails done without ever leaving the campus.

I do think that sometimes people may begin to feel like the walls on closing in on them. My client when I have taken her out of the home as acted like it was Christmas morning. She was just so happy to get out that she actually cried.

With all that being said.. I think the best place for most people is in their own homes if all possible. If your exploring your options ask lots of questions and communicate with your old person and with the caregiver and tell them what your old person likes to do and not to do cause the more informed they are the better they can be at taking care of them and making life worth living. And if in come care is the route you go be prepared for it to take some time. Don't expect for even an experienced caregiver to come and start making Mom and Dad do this and that cause it takes time to build that relationship before results can happen.

Just for the record. These are my thoughts and feelings and has nothing to do with my company's thoughts.

What adoptive children wish their parents knew

First, I read this book because even though I am not an adoptive Mom but since I am a birthmother and in reunion I thought it might be insightful. It's written by Sherrie Eldridge. I am going to write the chapters of this book as in what the kids want the parents to know and then another day I might explain more about where the book hit home with me as in I am like I really agree with that. As in you can say that again.

1. Hidden losses.
2. Entering Your child's world.
3. I suffered a Profound loss Before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
4. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from Adoption loss, of which I need not be Ashamed.
5. If I don't Grieve my Loss. My ability to Receive Love From you and others will be Hindered. 
6. My unresolved Grief may Surface in Anger toward You.
7. I need your help in Grieving My Loss. Teach me how to get in Touch with My feelings About my Adoption and Then Validate Them.
8. I want you to take the Initiative in Opening Conversations About my Birth Family.
9. I need to Know the Truth About My conception, Birth, and Family History. No Matter how Painful the Details may BE.
11, I am afraid I was "Given Away" by my birthmother Because I was a bad baby. I need You to help me Dump my Shame. 12.I am afraid You will Abandom Me. 13.I may appear More Whole than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden So I can Intergrate All of my elements of my Identity 14. I need to gain a sense of Personal Power. 15.Please Don't Say I look or Act Just like you. I need you to acknowlege and Celebrate our differences. 16. Let me Be my Own Person. But don't Let me Cut myself off From you. 17.Please Respect My Privacy Regarding My Adoption. Don't tell other People Without my consent. 18.Birthdays May Be Difficult for Me. 19.Not Knowing my Full Medical History can be Distressing at times. 20. I am afraid I will be too much for You to handle. 21. When I act out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways. Please Hang in There with me and respond Wisely. . I am sorry this isn't coming out the way I planned but lately blogger hasn't been working quite right.

My beautiful kitty who is very picky when it comes to her food and loves to cuddle.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

I had this question the other day and I been really trying my best answer to it cause deciding between in home care and a retirement home shouldn't be taken lightly. Based on your experience I am curious what your thoughts are about in home vs. pricey assisted living care. For the record, I have been doing in-home care for almost five years and within the same company did live-in care for two and half years. That is going in for 24 hour shifts. I started with one day a week and ended up working three days per week. I do not work for an retirement home but my company has been hired by residents to take care of needs and wants that the retirement homes didn't meet. My live in client lived in what I would consider a pricey retirement center but they had their own cottage/condo that they lived in. I have been too a few places where the people would be in rehab and wanted the security of knowing someone was near by. That was the case with a blind person. I don't want to name names but the place that I have been sent to for the past two months has been the most that I have spent in a retirement home taking care of a client that is a resident of the home. That client is considered living independent and is kind of in between staying where she is and possibly needing more care. It's mostly so that she has someone to answer to and someone to say suggest things that are good for her and make sure she is safe in the part of the day where her pain level is the worst. . This hasn't been an easy question cause my job depends on mostly in home care so naturally... I want to say in home care is the only way to go. I am into job security. I think with both options you really have to weigh the pro's and the con's and go from there. As for cost... I believe in home care is more expensive especially thru an agency. Not only do you pay the agency of course they have to pay for their bills and stuff. However, I think from what little I understand from the pricy homes is that they charge you a huge fee upfront and I think my client's rent for one month matches my mortgage payment on my two bedroom house for 3 or 4 months. I am giving somewhat generic answers to avoid the risk of giving details too personal out. My client has told me that if she were to run out of money that she could continue to live there. Enough about money. Let's move on. Retirement Center's have the advantage of taking care of medical needs where in home aids can't see to medical stuff. Although, not all retirement homes will keep you once your needs become to high as in round the clock nursing care. Each situation has rules that one might not agree with or understand. My client in the retirement home has to leave her her to get her medications and was being forced to be fully dressed. Now, with the help of my company and a family member that works there she can put on a robe to get the medications. In home caregivers can remind you to take medication. We can open pill boxes and bottles but we can't dispense the medication. The elderly or hopefully family have to arrange the medications so we can do this. If a client is on hospice my company can send caregivers but when the patients are so ill and out it that they need paid medications put into their mouth then it's not something we are able to do. In home caregivers depending maybe on companies will have limitations on things that they could do for the person and some of it you or I might not agree with but we have to try to balance taking care of the persons daily needs without crossing the line of doing something that we know we are not suppose to do. This has gotten really long and I want to touch base more on the quality of life but I don't like my posts to be too long or I am afraid people might get bored. So, in another day or so..I will finish answering your question.

Christmas already?

My oldest son is telling me he wants a laptop for Christmas? Is he crazy? I have five children to buy Christmas if I count my step children and why shouldn't I count them? Plus, I have my grand daughter that I want to buy a gift or two for. I think requests like a laptop just spoil the joy in Christmas. I remember when the boys were little and they would ask Santa for something like a cop or or a train. I remember hunting down the perfect cop car or train and miss how easy it was to please them with gifts. It got me thinking about my volunteering for MELD and makes me want to repeat what I did last year and get gifts for the children. However, I want to do it more on my own and ask the Mom's that I see to write their children's names down and ages and go from there. If anyone feels like they want to help this year please don't let me stop you. However, I am thinking of a smaller scale of funds being available because I can't afford to spend a whole bunch myself. But for me personally, I would rather spend some of my cash for MELD's children that spend all of my Christmas funds on my teenager. It doesn't mean that I don't love him or wish I had money coming out my ears but that's not my reality.

Ads

My husband is so proud of the fact that I have so many followers and wanted me to put ads on my blog. He has been bugging me to do for a while now so I just told him to do it. I hope they don't get in the way of my writings. I couldn't resist him any longer cause he used to not understand my need to blog and gave me a hard time but then he was a drunk so I guess I have to forgive him.

I been with my new client for two months now. She lives in a Christian Retirement home and it's changing my thoughts a little bit on in home care compared to retirement homes and nursing homes. But I have to keep in mind that this is a very expensive one so not all of them are the same.
It took some getting used to working full time but it's what I have to do to make ends meet. Sitting without gas or electric or losing my home isn't an option for me.
They are always putting on events for the residents and my client enjoys music and so we go. Today, they played a bunch of videos and ended it with Christian videos. The video below I thought was just amazing. I have always loved Christian music but I go back and forth with it. Sometimes, it's uplifting and sometimes it seems to be a downer. So, at times.. it can lift my spirits and at times it can make me cry if I am already sad.
As the video was playing I just got an overwhelming feeling of just loving my job. I love that I get to experience so much and I get to be a part of keeping the elderly living an active life. She is always telling me they sure don't let me act my age. Basically, they make me walk. They make me stay busy. It can be sad when one moment... someone is telling you why don't the Lord just take me today and a couple hours later... the same person is saying I would like to live two more years to see the chapel built.  I haven't felt pride in my job in a long time. I wanted out but didn't know what else to do. It's been a long time since I felt like I am doing what I am meant to do. Yes, I am going to shed tears. Yes, I am going to have bad days where my clients don't want to take my advice but I do have a worth while job even though I am underpaid.
It's kind of funny that my views on religion bounce all over the place but in most of my dealing of my day to day life is in a church or church setting. But not sure where I am going with it and all of this. I just know that I loved the video. 

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I had a dream about you. I don't know how we came to find each other but I was able to talk to you. I asked why you left me so long ago? I told you that you were the love of my life. I am confused on why I would say that cause honestly my second husband is the love of my life. I did love you once and you walked away. You also walked away from our daughter.
Maybe, I dreamed of you cause I had dinner with Izzy the other night. She is beautiful and fun to be with. I know I don't know her really well, but when I am with her I feel like I have known her for years. I guess the dream could have sparked from seeing Izzy and wondering what could have been if I would been able to raise her. I hope someday I can give Izzy the other half of her dna to know where she came from. I have searched and ran out of ideas so it's up to you Todd to find her and that would be most likely by finding me. It shouldn't be too hard if you try. I still live in the same town. My name is changed but that's not too hard if you know how to search. I  have an FB account with the last name that you knew me from way back then. I have had several of my sister's old friend's friend me so just maybe you will find me that way. Hope your safe and happy and just maybe someday you will see Izzy for the first time.

My most recent books that I have read

Let's Roll by Lisa Beamer. I seen this at the church rummage sale and I just had to get it. I read it very fast and it was very much a tear jerker. For those who don't know about this book Lisa if the wife of one of the passengers that was on Flight 93 and helped attack the terrorists so that the plane wouldn't crash into Capital building. It was the only plane that went down and didn't take other innocent lives with it.

Mommy told me not to tell by Cathy Glass is a story of a young boy who's Mom kept having children for them to be taken away from them. All the children looked very much alike and had learning problems. She did have one child that looked very different and escaped the learning problems and she rejected that baby at birth.  It turns out that the children were fathered by her father except for the one she rejected.

Cathy Glass is a Foster Mom and this is her second book that I have read. She sure does give me an idea of the horrors that children have been through and it's very sad. The ending of this book was a very nice one but just any case anyone wants to grab a copy of this book I won't spoil the end. 

My confession

When I got to my retreat I met a couple of other Mom's that had been to the retreat before and I didn't feel right. I felt like the 3rd wheel. Then, I met the other two Mom's who like had never been there before. So, I hung out with them most of the time. I did have two short conversations with the other Mom from the other group.  I am going to name her Bug for this post.
She friended me on FB and has been bugging me every since. She wanted to hook up on Sunday and since I didn't have kids I thought what the heck. So, we hung out for a couple hours and her husband was there too but mostly he hung out on his own.
Bug is talking to me through FB at every chance she can get. She comments on every post I make on FB. She thinks she has me down. Ugh! I don't mind getting to know someone but is a little too much. Even though, we had just seen each other on Sunday, she wanted me to hang with her on Thursday.
I work two jobs.One 40 hours and one for two and I volunteer for two. More importantly, I have a family and I don't have a lot of spare time. Sure, I spend too much on FB but that's not quite the same as always be gone. I am in between my two clients right now.
Maybe, I am really satisfied with what I have going for me when it comes to friend's. Or, is it something else. This is the same girl that I felt like the oddball and started to cry.

I been overly emotional this last week. My job just drains me. It's all emotional stuff. Some of it is just amazing. I just came from a Christian concert with a pianst and a guy that was singing like Opra. Spirtial music always makes me sad. I don't know why.

Back to Bug. I hate it that she seems to think she knows me. I hate it that she is all over everything I say. I worship the ground my daugher walks on and I am not all over her stuff as much as Bug is on me. I could use some breathing room.

Any suggestions on how to get Bug to back off a little?? Please!!

MELD

I had a couple weeks off of volunteering for MELD due to stuff happening. My sister can't volunteer on a regular basis anymore cause of a new job that won't work around volunteering. I personally don't know if I would take a job that couldn't be flexible but I understand her desire to find a new job and hope it all goes well for her. I hope she can drop in from time to time cause I love spending time with her.

We had 8 children and one slept the whole time in the second room. I think it's called the baby room. We have a new older child that can talk but is really needy and cries but is easily comforted and is always asking "where is my Mommy" or "where is his/her Mommy" She is a doll.

We still have one baby that just cries and cries but this week he did drink a whole bottle from me and went to sleep when I went into the baby room. I couldn't do that until I got the driver to come back because only two of the five people they recruited to volunteer showed up. Lesson: if you commit to volunteer be there. I have had such bad turn outs that my husband wonders if I could get a job there.

The two women who got kind of cocky about how they could make the cry baby quit crying seemed to not even want to try to take him from me so I think they learned their lesson that they weren't better than me or my sister but he was liking us better cause he knew us and not them.

It did seem like almost every baby was crying and one of the volunteers was scared of the children going poop or pee. She said she didn't know how to help. I find it weird cause she isn't super young, but I really don't know much about her.

When we were all leaving.. one said I can't say this was fun cause nothing I did worked and kind of asked themselves why they got themselves into this? I don't think wrongly for them thinking or saying this cause sometimes I feel that way too. Why do I keep punishing myself with all this crying? But then I think of how I have been the constant adult in the nursery for MELD and I can't just walk away. It's just not me. 

On Friday, I will be spending ten bucks at the dollar store for baby items for new followers. It will be fun to go shopping.

what kinds of books do you like to read

Do you think the type of books people read have anything to do with their personality? My coworker seen the book I was reading and it's basically about abuse but from reading the front and back it's one of the those feel good stories where the person abused doesn't let it consume her life. I am not all that far into the book.
I was reading a part where the parents were splitting and two kids went to live with the Dad and one went with his Mom. It made me tear up and I don't have a clue on why it effected me the way it did.

Well, anyways, I was talking to this coworker, I have a habit of running my mouth and getting home late. I told her I am drawn to reading sad books but I enjoy them better if things turn out happy in the end. She told me her sister likes to read the saddest books you can find as in everyone dying. Her words not mine.

I told her that I wonder if the people that crave to read sad stories are hurting on the inside but they put on a happy face and need to read or see something sad to allow the emotions to flow to cry. So, basically, your not really crying cause of a sad thing in the book but the sad thing in the book triggered the emotions that are held inside of you.

She told me she wonders if that is what her sister is doing. She is always acting super happy but did have an eating disorder and came hours within dying.

So, she asked me if the happy personality is a fake and you don't really know the real person. I said, I believe in certain cases and people that yes, I can put on a happy face and but inside I am fuming. But I couldn't say anything about her sister cause I don't know her.

I already found my next sad book. It was at the church that I babysit for for a donation. It's called Let's roll. So, what kind of books do you like to read? I mentioned that I do like the sad books but they have to tell a story and show emotions. I don't like a book that maybe about abuse or murder and it's just about of facts of dates or numbers ect. 

Thankful

• That my job is going well for the moment.
• My husband is the best husband ever. 
• I have a total of five children including two daughters. 
• I am meeting Izzy for dinner next week. 
• my house.
• Good friends.
• my fellow bloggers.
• My granddaughter.
• My oldest son is in his new school and actually attends.
• My youngest son is doing fairly well considering his learning disabilities.
• Beautiful fall.
• Ice cream.
• Date night with my husband.
• My pets.
• My relationship with my daughter.
• My Dad (even though he can be a pest lol)
• My relationship with my little sister.
• My car (time for work so see ya all later)

Wrap up from my reteat

Like I mentioned the retreat seemed centered in some ways about religion. It was in a Catholic building after all. The two girls I hung out with seemed to be strong in their faith and almost anyone who opened their mouth had something to say about God and all.
Well, I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but I just am not there with the God thing. Church does sometimes make life easier and I can't explain that one. I kind of think people with religion are fake. They pretend to be your friend but if you don't share their beliefs they will drop you. Both women have contacted me on FB and who knows if we will really have a friendship outside of our awesome weekend.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for a lot of things but I don't always think to credit God. Right now, I am working full time and in my company it means if business is going good then people are doing poorly. So, I don't believe God would sacrifice the elderly's well being for mine. I suppose we could look at it in a way that God provided for the elderly to afford the care but for every old person who can afford the care there is another one who can't afford the care. I just don't believe God is up in heaven playing Any Miney Moe your going to be poor and be alone.  I don't get into God's plan and free will. I admit that God's plan thing has helped me through some dark days but which is it God's plan or my free will? And if my life has been God's plan then could he stop writing birthmom stories? Could be stop making stories of couples that can't bring children into this world? Can he stop taking newborn babies away from their Mom's.  No offense to anyone.

I thought while I am wrapping it up, I would blog about the gifts that I received. It was better than Christmas morning! Just kidding. We all received a beautiful homemade start. We all had body soap, body spray and body lotion on our beds. The other gifts varied from person to person. I think the majority of us got products from Avon. It's so much cremes and such that I don't know what to do with. It's some expensive stuff and honestly I am afraid to use it cause I could never justify buying it. Hello.. I am a Mom. But it was nice of Avon to donate the stuff. I have yet to try it though.

I also received 4 tickets to the zoo in Chicago.   They expire at the end of this year so we will have to go before they do. In the same gift bag was 50.00 worth of movie money. I am very grateful for the gifts and it was really sweet of them to go all out like that for us Mom's.

Like I mentioned, I did talk about my daughter. It felt good to kind of lay that on the table just in case I do remain in contact with anyone that I don't feel like I am living a lie. No one tried to talk to me about it though and that's okay. 

A few pictures from the horse ranch.

The picture is of me and the two Mom's that I hung out with most of the weekend.

Saturday during the retreat

Saturday was pretty busy with a day full of events for us. They had breakfast at 8 am and arts and crafts that we could do or not do. I learned that I am horrible at making jewelry. Friday night, we signed up for facials, manicures, pedicures and the massages. Also, we were able to sign up to go on the horse ranch.
My day was 10:30 for a manicure which didn't happen cause the lady was late.
11:00 am was my 30 minute massage. It was very cool but not something that I would pay money to get on my own.
1pm to 4 pm a handful of Mom's went to the horse ranch including the Mom's that I been hanging with. There was a total of 8 of of us. This was a God loving thing which I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. Two out of three of the horse people openly talked about their faith in God and praying. They happened to be Mother and Daughter. You could just feel their passion for their beliefs in God.
The first exercise was two horses came out and we were to watch them and think about how they relate to people. Basically watch their body language. I didn't quite see people in them but when the one layed on the ground and did the wiggles I did think of my dog.
The next thing is in the horse barn we had to try to get two horses over an obstacle. We couldn't talk or lead the horse or bribe it.  It didn't go too well.
The third thing was just emotionally draining for everyone. I don't think there was a dry eye in the group. We separated into groups of four Mom's and each group has one ranch person but in the middle of the two groups were the person keeping time.
We had to start with if you really knew me and talk about two minutes. I don't think any Mom got through their two minutes without crying. I felt like "the if you really knew me thing" just forced out my story about adoption and reunion and self esteem and how sometimes I feel like I am a bad Mom cause my child has special needs and Izzy is doing so well. I even made the rancher who stayed pretty quiet cry.
After that episode and talking..   we all went back in the barn and there were cones set up and one person would be blind folded and then there would be four of us to direct the person blind folded to get around the cones while guiding the horses.
My description of this horse ranch thing didn't really give it justice. It was very much centered around how horses communicate non verbally and kind of gave us insight on how children with speech problems might feel and when we couldn't talk too.
Like I mentioned.. it was very centered on God and praying and Jesus Christ. blah blah.. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but as much as I have wanted to get a strong belief in God and the power of praying I just can't get it. I haven't been to church in a while and I been thinking of going again cause whether I admit it or not my anxiety level seems higher without it but also it revolves around how much exercise I get too. Also, sometimes it just seemed like good things happened to us when I went to church.
Honestly, though, every time in my whole life when I or someone else pushed me to get more involved in church as in a class I lose interest in it all together. It seems like when people think you have the same beliefs then they are your friends and love you. Blah blah but if you stop or don't go to church then they drop you like flies.
While, I am honest, if I am in church and I am not really convinced of it all... then am I not just going through the motions of it all?
While, I am still honest about it. Some Christian songs can be uplifting but some can be down right putting yourself down. I would have to go to church and write down some of the lyrics and if I really told myself that shit everyday I would think I was nothing.
The two women I connected with was also seemed to be very strong in their beliefs of God. We really did feel like we bonded and really shared laughs, tears and just had a great time. The question is will we really stay in touch. Is having special needs child and spending a weekend together really enough to make us remain friends. They don't live near me so distance is a little bit of a an issue.

We were showered with gifts all weekend long. But I will save that for another post. 

Birthmom's are not Bm's or poop or shit or whatever else bodily fuction thing you can come up with

Why do adoptive parents insist on using the term "bm" for birthmother? Do they not know that bm means poop, shit, crap, dump or whatever else people tend to use for when they go number two? I know that the majority don't use this term but some do. It shows so little disrespect for the person who chose you to be a parent for their child. I know birthmother, birthmom, first mom or natural mom or what ever other word could be used to describe a woman who chose to bring a child into the world and break her own heart to give that child to people who would become Mom and Dad. So, quit being lazy or ignorant and take another few seconds to spell out the word better.

Your all gonna get tired about hearing about my retreat but oh well. We had pizza for dinner and it was announced that they had raised enough money to give 12 people massages and they drew names and mine was the first one drawn.  I thought that was pretty exciting.
So, not only was there cherry body wash, cherry lotion and cherry body spray on my bed but I was getting a free massage the next day. I had couple of women that I clicked with who happen to have kids on the spectrum of Autism but at different ages and stages of the game of life. My son is the oldest and has beat the odds that were stacked against him that he wouldn't talk. We were are no longer using signs and PECS to communicate with him. But we got each other. There children remind me of how far we have come and I hope that my son's ability gives them hope for better days. Not that there kids don't bring them joy but the fact that my son had some of the very same struggles and is better in most of those areas now. I think the hardest part of autism is that it is such a wide spectrum and not one child is the same.

About 10 30 or so... we put in a movie but none of us made it till the end of it. We all just basically got too tired and went to bed. At first, I had a hard time sleeping cause some of the rowdy Mom's were still up having a good time but I did take a sleeping pill so that helped. So, actually I slept very well considering it wasn't my bed and I wasn't in the same room with my husband. 

more on my retreat

I am sorry that I am going to break this down in several posts but I don't like to write a book and I believe if it's too long people may get bored. As soon as I got there, I got hit with the question how many children do you have? and of course what child has the disability? So, I said I have 3 children. A girl 20, a boy 16 and a boy 11 who is on the autism spectrum.  So, then I get hit with the question do the older children help with my youngest child. I basically said yes and felt like a fraud.
Then, after my cry, I met two women who I would spend the most of my time with. We all sat down and had to go around the room with our pictures and talk about how child and what they have taught us.  I just felt like I had to share the whole truth. A quick version of it.
I told them how my son is on the autism spectrum and how that his needs taught me to be more independent cause I had to force myself to learn how to drive to get my son to his therapy's on time. Then, I said my son has taught us to think outside the box. We have to deal with struggle after struggle and we are always brain storming ways to help him. I held up the picture with all three of my children and shared how I am reunited with my daughter that was placed for adoption and how the picture was my children's first meeting.

All of our children went up on a board and just hearing all the stories of the special needs children made me feel not so alone. I also felt very lucky cause there were a couple Mom's who had children who were living beyond their life expectancy for their condition.

These are most of the children but their were some Mom's who forgot the pictures.

Mom's retreat part one

I get there and they have the read carpet theme going cause the Theme of the weekend was Stars! They have a few men to carry our bags up to our room. I met a couple Mom's who knew each other and a third Mom comes up that knew them. I was feeling out of place and went to my room to unpack. I was feeling so sad and then I found a letter from my husband and started to cry. It's funny now to think about it but for a brief moment or two I really felt alone.

I know this may sound strange but it wasn't my kids that I was having a hard time being away from. It was my husband. I am used to being away from my kids. Hello. Adoption. Hello Divorce makes me share kids. But in all the years I been with my second husband, I have never been out on my own like that.

It's been a lot to process and am I am just going to leave you with just the beginning of my weekend.

For my retreat it says to bring a picture of your child or children to hang up. I don't know if they are thinking of just the child with special needs or all of our children. Do I bring one with all of mine or just my son who has special needs son. Also, it gets me thinking if they meant children as in Mom's with more than one child with special needs.. I wonder how they manage it.

I spend my morning buying some pj's and a sweatshirt for the late walks. Some shoes just in case mine get dirty. I am bringing some soda with me. I am basically all packed and ready to go.
I am a little nervous. I am 25 years of age and have never been anywhere without my family. I am so happy that my husband is driving me. I would hate to get lost.

I have done my five choices for tutoring and I hope I made the right choice. I keep second guessing myself. I hoping that it really helps him. I did get his a report on his grades and besides the D in math and the F in Health he has one A and the rest B's and C's.  We are hoping since we used the IEP as a way to get a health book that we can keep at home that it will help his grade.

My husband and son are driving me tonight to the retreat center. It's a new adventure for me. I have never been away from my husband and kids at the same time. Unless, I count when I did live in care for the elderly as being away from home without them.

I am bringing my phone but I aim to keep it off. I am bringing a camera to get pictures. It's suppose to be on a beautiful land and hopefully I get some nice pictures. 

Tutoring

In my school district they have a system called No child left behind and basically it has failed. It might have worked if all the children were the same but the reality of it that they are all very different. What works or doesn't work for some children may not work for another child.

The schools focus a lot of testing and this takes up quite a bit of the learning time. Also, from what I understand teachers have been told what to teach and can't hang around a certain problem area longer if she felt like the students just wasn't getting it. They have to just push through to the next thing and hope it all connects.

My son has an IEP and I felt like we things were not moving in the right direction. So, we had a conference and basically I learned that at our meeting last year we were lied to. We were told that he would be taught math and reading at his grade level that he tests at but it's not being done. He is being educated on 6th grade math even though he has trouble with the multiplication facts. 

Now, they are at least pulling him out for tutoring with reading at his level.

The good news about this system failing is that if your school isn't getting high scores then they get so many hours of free tutoring. We went to a local high school and they had tons of tutoring people there and we have to think about which ones to choose. We have to pick five and hopefully we get our first or second choice.

We are leaning towards one that is tutoring on Saturday and it's four hours broken up with lunch and they provide the ride. There are some options that come to his school but the ride home is the issue plus I don't want it to turn out to be help with homework. I want it to be more about getting the tests and going back to the basics and teaching him instead of paper pushing. The problem with the Saturday thing is that it would take away from his every other weekend with his Dad.

They have online tutoring and would even provide him with a little computer but I just think that's a bad idea and even though my husband and son hear the word "toy: when someone says computer.

Some of the programs will only allow math or reading and the one on Saturday will give 30 hours of both.  All this tutoring won't even start until the winter time and I wondered why but then someone mentioned ISAT's and a light bulb when off in my head. They want to up their test scores. Last year, even though my son needed tutoring,... he couldn't have gotten this because he was at school that was scoring well. He did get some ISAT tutoring for about six weeks but I didn't see any overall improvement with that.

This whole middle school thing is just kicking our butt's. My son fights cause he doesn't want to do it but always does it and basically he doesn't get any free time during the week to be a kid. Oh except the fit throwing.

Sorry, I needed to vent. I didn't sleep last night cause I was fuming cause I felt like I was lied to and when wrote the counselor back who said we can talk to her too since the special needs counselor hasn't been the best with calls. I basically thanked her for her help and asked if they have paperwork on the meeting from last year and basically she told me to buzz off and I had to talk to the other counselor.   

Three months until Christmas!! It brings back memories of last year of the raising of funds and also some of my own to buy presents for 12 MELD children. It gets me thinking about do I want to do something like that again for this Christmas? I really enjoyed it and know that several people helped make Christmas a little brighter for those 12 children.

Is there anyone who think they would or could contribute to help with Christmas this year? I am thinking maybe a much smaller scale of gifts this year because I just know that I can't afford to go all out like I did last year. Or, I don't think I can afford it. It's so hard to tell with my job.

Any suggestions? 

Calling all lurkers

On August 28th, I was at 147 followers and I said for each new follower I would buy two dollars worth of baby stuff for MELD. I am at 151 so as of right now that is 8.00 that I will be spending for baby stuff. I am going to wait one more week so see if I can get that number to grow. Honestly, this gives me a little more time to focus on bills since we were having some bad times which is improving since I am working full time. My limit is 20 dollars total. So, if your a lurker, follow me and it will provide 2.00 worth of baby supplies. I know it doesn't seem like much but every bit helps. Plus, I have fun shopping.

If anyone would like to help spread the word around that by just following my blog that I will donate money to MELD feel free to do so.

After, I purchase the baby supplies, I will post a picture. I am thinking in the line of buying baby wipes, lotion, soaps ect. We have family dollar and general dollars in our neighborhood and 20.00 there can go quite far with some of the basic baby needs.

Next weekend

In June, I blogged about a retreat offer for Mom's of special needs children. It's next weekend and I am going. I already paid for it and of course arranged for the time off from work. My hours at my job went from 20 to 40 this past month so it's even more of a treat to have some time off and relaxation and basically have a weekend that's about me.

You can read more about it here.

This is exciting but also scary for me. I probably won't know anyone. There could be a chance that some faces would seem familiar because we all ran our children to therapy's and often times seen the same parents coming and going. I am kind of hoping to make a new friendship or two. I really only have one good friend in town and having another one or two would be cool. Maybe, if I am lucky, I can find a buddy for my son who has his social issues.

My husband is taking this weekend with me being gone to go visit his Mom. Both of my sons will be with their Dad. I believe his daughter is going with him and at first I felt rejected cause why wait until we are not with him to go. But all in all it's the perfect chance for them to go see his Mom, her Grandma because if I was at home and working then I would have the car.

I plan on taking my phone and a borrow my sister's camera but I plan on to disconnect myself from the internet and the phones.

I am suppose to bring a book that and it would be exchanged with another Mom's book and something that I don't need anymore. I don't really know what I am bringing yet so I need to get working on it. I just don't want to bring just any book but rather it be one that I have read and enjoyed. However, the problem is that I get books from the library and don't buy them.

My husband sent me this link. Ten things Not to say to an adoptive parent. You can check it out if you would like to..

It's making me want to copy it with ten things NOT to say to a birthmother or how about adoptees writing ten things NOT to say to them.

I think we all can agree that people say the craziest things to those involved in adoption. What's the worst thing anyone has said to you?

Tonight was my 7Th ten week session for volunteering for MELD. I had wrote them last week about the problems that I had mentioned. The email was taken well and I was assured that they had extra help coming and a plan to encourage the Mom's to bring in diaper bags and to make sure the babies are dry.

There was 7 volunteers for 9 children. It was way too many people. Most of the children were in good moods and played nicely except we have this baby that every time his Mom drops him off he cries and cries. It's not unusual for him to cry for the majority of the 90 minutes they are in group.

Two of the new volunteers kept trying to take the baby away from my sister or me and they just knew they could solve this problem. They just knew they could make the baby go to sleep but mostly it just pissed this baby off cause he wanted my sister.

I was grateful for some extra help but they just wouldn't accept our word for it that this is just what this baby does. That we have tried everything and he just wants his Mom. It really bothered me that what we were saying didn't matter.

Besides, the crying baby that won't stop there was enough children to go around for 7 volunteers and honestly at times I felt like I had nothing to do. My sister even mentioned that if that many continue to show up then she wouldn't volunteer her time where it wasn't needed because of school and work.

I like the idea of having about four volunteers so that if one would need a night off for whatever reason they wouldn't feel guilty for leaving the others to struggle without enough help.

My husband said that I should write again cause they took what I said seriously and mention that 7 is too many but I am thinking and hoping that a few of them will week themselves out like usual.

I love volunteering and don't really want to give it up and I love that my sister does it with me. After, volunteering on most nights we go to the Y to walk or swim or both. It's nice to hang with my sister doing something good and also taking care of our own needs outside the daily life responsibilities.

My new key. I just couldnt pass up the silly keys without getting one.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Scrapbook block

I have been on a creative block for my daughter's scrapbook and I think I finally realized what is keeping me from working on it.

When I started working on it a long time ago. It was an outlet for me to do something with my time while I was suffering from so much loss and the not known of how my daughter's life was going.

I never knew if I would have have a chance to give her the book so it was made with the realization that it may stay with me forever but the ideal plan was to give it to my daughter. However, my daughter wasn't a real person to me. It was almost as if she could have been an imaginary person cause she was in my life for such a short period of time.

Now, that I am in contact and slowly building a relationship with her she is very REAL. She isn't imaginary and she isn't a baby. She is a real person who may or may not treasure the book as much as I have done.

Now, if I can just get past this fear of the known fact that I am able to give the book to her and get working on it. It would be great. I think another fear is that handing off the scrapbook would be a final act and she be done with me. I guess that's the insecurity that adoption loss has carried.

I did survive her birthday but that's for another day.