Friday, May 31, 2013

Color run!!

I picked up my tshirt, sunglasses and paint thing for the color run tomorrow morning!! I am very excited!! Who would have thought that I would be doing this. My goal is to run majority of it. However, mostly I just want to have fun and enjoy myself and make my family proud of me. Just a couple pictures from yesterday. One is of myself with my sons and the other is my grandaughter and our dog after taking her (the dog) to the paw wash.

Monday, May 27, 2013

few things here and there

I have official plans with Izzy on Friday to do some lunch and shopping!! It's basically going to be the same thing as we did the last time we met up alone. I am excited!! It was her idea to do lunch and shopping so maybe she felt as good as I did about our time together.

I invited her to my birthday dinner but she has plans with her brother shopping for a graduation gift for him.

No hard feelings and I really did have it in my mind that I would only see her the one time. I know from past visits that not everyone that wants to see her as gotten to do so.

What I do feel bad is that Alex and Stephen won't be able to see her. The truth is just that she doesn't have a close relationship with them. She may call them brothers to me but they are not carrying on like brothers and sisters would. Izzy pictures are up on the wall but for the most part Stephen doesn't mention her and truth be told I haven't been talking about her too much.

Alex is 18 and I feel that their relationship should be something that they both work towards and not sure if either one of them want that. I know Alex has gotten upset for not getting an invite to hang with us.

I imagine if I feel jealous that she has another Mom and brags about her on facebook that he can very well feel jealous about her brother and the attention she gives him.

Speaking of Alex. I went a week without being able to get ahold of him and I finally called the person he is staying with and she gave me the number of her son's cell phone. He just happened to be trying to get a hold of us but had forgotten my number and my husband had changed numbers.

He was due to come in on Wed of this week but was here in town with a friend at a festival and said he wanted to come early because he didn't know if he would find a way back home for my birthday. My husband wasn't thrilled with it but didn't protest him coming.

So Alex came in late last night before we went to bed. We all get up except for Alex and have breakfast and then Alex comes up.

I feel bad that I forgot to offer him breakfast but at the same time my husband's thoughts are that he slept and missed breakfast.

Alex hung around for a while and then said he was going to take a walk. That was about 4 hours ago or so and I am back to wondering if he will be home for dinner and what he is up to.

Today, I wanted to run outside along the river but it's been rainy and wet. My husband suggested I run at the Ymca on the track. I am running the color run and really need to concentrate on running this week. I asked Stephen to count my laps because I just can't count. I don't think he fully understood what I needed him to do so he only counted me for 26 laps which would have been less than 3 miles. It would take 30 laps to get 3 miles. I am pretty that I did get 3 miles or more due to being at it for over 40 minutes.

I am excited for the run!! Probably will be the last one cause besides the challenge of the run. I really love zumba and not so much running. Also, it's very pricey to pay for the run. I will make sure I post pictures. I am doing it by myself so probably won't be quite as fun as it would be if I had a group with me.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

My husband and I both got matching bikes but of course his and her's boy/girl bikes!! We had them on layaway and I admit it was a struggle to pay them off but I did it and today instead of me going to zumba and doing my own thing.. we walked to pay them off and rode the bikes to get air and then home.. And then around the neighborhood. We didn't have any kids today!! It was nice being the princess. I say that cause when we are dealing with my son and our grand daughter. I can't be his main focus.

Izzy got into town a couple days ago and besides letting her know a couple days before she left that I hope to see her. I haven't made any attempt to make plans with her. She has picked a wedding venue and today her brother graduated from high school so I guess it's good that I just gave her some space.

I am pretty broke now and now sure when or what we can do. I am thinking I am only going to see her once unless she tries to see me again in the same week.

I have birthday plans and not sure if I should invite them to dinner or try to see her on my own. If I invite her to dinner on my birthday then both of my sons will see her. If I see her on my own then most likely just me.

Alex has been moved for over a month and sometimes it seems like it's been longer and at times it doesn't seem all that long. I have only seen him once and haven't had much contact with him within the last couple weeks.

His girlfriend broke up with him and he said something how she said he was jealous. Don't know the full story. She posted something on fb that looked like it was a direct hit at the fact that he doesn't have a job, car or drive. It didn't say my son's name but it sure did fit him.

As far as I know my son is still coming to stay a few days and going to her graduation.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

family stuff

Both of my parents attended my sister's graduation along with my brother and my sister's boyfriend. We all couldn't sit together due to my brother and Dad not being able to climb the stairs due to their health conditions.

That left my Mom and my sister's boyfriend and me sitting in one row to watch my sister graduate.

For the record.. I have seen my Mom more this month than I have probably in a full year.

Remember.. I mentioned my little sister is moving away for college and wondering how that will change family dynamics. My little sister tends to be the one that does a lot for our dad, my brother and see's my Mom more than me. Not a whole lot more but I believe they are/were in communication more than me.

I helped my stepmother get a job cause I can't take her place and give my Dad money so hoping the need won't be there.

Well, anyways, my Mom surprised me by asking did I want to go to six Flags with my sister and her before my sister moves away and that she would pay for it. I was shocked to say the least. My Mom never includes me in the things she does and if I am included it's cause someone else invited me.

I said that I would go but I don't really do the scary rides. I said, " I know Stephen will love the rides" I hope she knows an offer to Six Flags to me is an offer to my son too. I could never go without him. I never knew how much Six Flags costed and now I know about sixty bucks so hope she doesn't mind paying for him too.

I don't know what all this means.. maybe we will get some sort of a relationship back or after my sister is gone.. it will fizzle back down to holidays only. I think I can live with it going either way and while it would be nice to have a relationship and feel wanted by my Mom.

I know I am loved by many and I know I will be okay without the relationship. I know it's not all me. I won't say not me. I know that I carry my own baggage to the relationship. No matter what I will be okay.

On the reunion front of things with Izzy. She will be in town soon. I hope to see her if it's only once while she is here. Her brother is graduating from high school and she is going to be shopping for a place for her wedding.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Class of 2013

My little sister graduated from our two year local college tonight!! I was lucky enough to watch her graduate and spend the evening out to dinner with her and her boyfriend and my brother.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Today marks the 4 year mark where my husband tried to cut back his drinking and had a seizure at work! Question: Who and the hell goes to work when they are having withdrawals from drinking?? It's probably a good thing that he went to work that day. I never really thought of what might have had happened if he had a seizure while at home and I was at work. Honestly, I don't remember if I was at work but I know I was there the next day while he was in the hospital still.

I wonder what if he would have been fixed had he not went to the hospital. I don't know what they did but four years later and still not drinking and without the desire. He has no need for AA meetings or anything else like it. Not knocking those that needs those programs.

My husband just asked me the other day which man do I like best? The one that was drinking and had a job? Or the one that doesn't have a job and does nothing?

Umm.. not a hard answer.. Take the sober husband any day. The drunk one was an asshole!!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My friend Pam called me today and we have a really nice conversation. I love how openly she expresses her love for me. I find it ironic that I can talk to her for 30 minutes and the conversation just flows so easily and we get along so well. But when it comes to speaking to my own Mom.. that I just find it hard. I have anxiety about being alone with her or having a conversation on the phone. I feel bad that I didn't remember Mother's day. She never remembers my birthday so guess it's the same right?

She loved the card and was amazed at how well the card fit our friendship. It makes me want to go buy the same card and save it in my scrapbook.

Pam and I have a lot in common and one is the anxiety about traveling and driving on the highways. She said it might be possible that your really are my biological child. haha. We talked about 30 minutes and mentioned trying to get together soon and even bring Stephen out to swim in her pool.

After we hung up, my phone rang and it was her again. She said she totally forgot to mention how amazing my pictures looked.

I hope we really do get together soon cause I would love to see her.

Monday, May 13, 2013

A litany for Mothers by Amy L. Sullivan

To those who gave birth this year to their first child-- we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year-- we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains-- we appreciate you.

To those who have experiences loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions , or running away-- we mourn with you.

To those who have walked the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment-- we walk with you.

Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster Moms, mentor moms, and spiritual Moms-- we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children-- we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children. -- we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year-- we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother-- we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests,medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood-- we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year-- we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who step-parent-- we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on your grandchildren-- yet that dream is not meant to be, we grieve with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption-- we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising-- we anticipate with you.

This Mother's Dad, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst/
We remember you.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's day

Mother's Day leaves me a little sad. I feel like I have lost so much in the area of motherhood. I don't have very much of a relationship with my Mom and the only thing that holds us together as in ever seeing each other is my sisters and brother.

I have lost a daughter to adoption. I know I am reunited and that is a gift that one can never take for granted but still it's the nagging feeling of wishing she would remember me. I think I get a little jealous seeing my clients get fancy flowers and I never get anything like that. I know I shouldn't get jealous but that's how I feel. Even though.. I know in my heart my own family as in husband and kids can't afford to spend crazy amounts on flowers.

A few years ago, in attempt to find a way to celebrate Mother's Day I started honoring a very special person in my life. How I remember her can vary from a drop in drop off flowers and card and run. Or a phone call on Mother's day or even a Mother's Day card sent in the mail. This year, I went with the card.

I included a little update on how my family is doing and how I am doing with my weight loss. I enclosed a few pictures of me and a book mark that I had picked up when I was on my retreat.

I am the type that takes time to find the right card and I found a perfect one for my friend Pam. I hope she loved it. I am sure she will call me all happy and tell me how much it meant to her.

I am not sure if you will be able to read what the card says.. but it states how even though we didn't grow up together that she came along at the right time.

Just wanted to add that Pam called me this morning and I couldn't get to the phone. She referred to herself as on of My mothers as of sort. She said my card almost made her cry. I wish I could have gotten to her call but I am sure we will talk soon.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My sister and her 3 girls were in town visiting this week. It occurred to me to get Alex home to see them. My little sister picked him up. It's in another state but not even 30 miles. To me it might as well be the moon because traveling scares me. I don't have a sense of direction. Going high speeds scare me. Being in a strange land far from my home scares me.

My Mom and Dad and step Mom was here too. So was my brother and of course both of my sisters. Alex's gf was here too.

I really miss my sister quite a bit. I wish she didn't live so far away. It's hard to be a aunt to children who you only see once a year. I am horrible with birthday cards and stuff. I do okay if I send one person a card for a special occasion but with three or four of them it's harder to remember and once you forget one... you don't want to send the next one a card out.

All three sisters were crying as we left. My Mother left before everyone else did and she looked like she was fighting tears. I wonder how come she cries for my sister who lives far away but not for her daughter that lives close by?

To make matters worse.. come the end of summer. my little sister is moving six hours away. It doesn't make me a happy camper.

I had to drive Alex back home tonight. Alex asked if he was staying the night and I am sure he would have loved too so he could have visited with his gf more but I know my husband wouldn't have liked it if Alex stayed and I was gone all day for work.

Everyone was confusing me trying to tell me the best way there. Finally my Dad rode down with me and Alex and we dropped Alex off. I just got home about 45 minutes ago and not sure if I could drive again if I had to do it. I hate that such a little distance can hold the power to keep me from seeing Alex but it's so scary.

This was the first time I seen him since he moved. I think I seen tears in his eyes again. I am thinking he misses his gf.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Family dynamics

My parents have four children. I am the second born but in the middle because there are two kids under me. I have a pretty good relationship with both of my sisters but one lives far away and after this summer the younger one is moving away. My big sister is here visiting so we all got together and seen her yesterday.

I picked my brother up and we drove to my Dad's place and then after a couple hours all of us four kids drove to my Mom's house and I got to see my Mom's place for the first time since she moved. It's a pretty nice place. I even joked that I was moving in cause the bathroom had a tub with jets in it.

I wonder when my little sister moves how the family dynamics will change for me.

My little sister does quite a bit. She tends to be my Dad's money go to person when he is broke. I don't know she has the money always or the time to deal with it. I helped my stepmother get a job so I am hoping things will be better for them.

My brother and I don't have the best relationship. I love him. I just don't connect with him. We don't have much that holds us together. I might ask him to babysit once in a great while but when it comes to hanging out with each other it's just something we do. My brother has MS and my little sister gives him his shot weekly to slow his progression. I just don't want to do it.

My relationship with my Mom is so strained that I wouldn't ever want to be with her alone. I seen her at Christmas with my whole family and about a month before Christmas I had lunch with my Mom and my sister. There is a part of me that doesn't really want to cut ties with my Mom due to us having family gatherings that she or I would miss out on if I cut my Mom out of my life but then our relationship is mainly superficial. I talk to her, when I see her, cause she is my mom. Just no glue is holding us together.

I don't know what to expect with my little sister moving away. She is the one who has kept the family tradition of some of our holiday dinners. The last couple years it's been at my house. We have done the grocery shopping together and we spend time together cooking. I am not sure what will happen if it's all left on my shoulders to keep the family together.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


After not getting child support for six weeks or so I finally got money. I wish it made me feel better but it doesn't. I fear what the summer brings. 1. I am in a battle with my son's school for him to get to go to summer school. We feel they fudge his grades to make them look better and also now that the case manager (teacher) told him his Mom wrote about summer school and you don't qualify. Now he is slacking. I just know that summer school is what is best for my son.

WE are going into the school on Friday to demand to speak to someone else because the person I was told to speak to hasn't called or emailed me back.

Friday afternoon I leave for a retreat and I am looking forward to that.

Back to summer fears.. We are talking about 214 dollars that even though we survived without the money it hurts us. We rode thru cause of tax money but now it's gone. I know for some people 200 a month might be something to sneeze at but it's not for me.

Tonight, I thought I might need to change my availability with my job and try to add about 5 or so hours a week to my hours. That would get me right at 40 hours a week. I don't want to give up my two day weekend. I don't want to give up family time or time to workout! Summertime is suppose to be fun and love to spend time swimming at the local pool and all the other little things that I enjoy about summer.

I don't recall if I mentioned it but my kid's dad got a job working for the school district driving school buses. There is a chance that he could get a route for summer but unlikely since he is a new hire. Also, if he only works a limited amount of hours and he would be basically working just to pay me. Not sure if that is going to happen.

For the record, I don't talk to this stuff with my son. But I am pissed! He owes over 600 and gets to pay it ten at a time while we might struggle.

I need to decide soon if I add hours where I will add them. Do I really give myself another 12 hour day or go with only having one day off. I babysit for this church so the reality is that I won't have any days off if I go that route.