Sunday, February 28, 2010

In the past year, I started collecting dolls. I just added two more to my collection. They are expensive but not too expensive that I would not get one for a child. For a girl. But I was never able to buy dolls for girls, because I lost my girl. I have two greats sons, but they don't play with dolls. My youngest son who is nine will play along with me sometimes and I think he gets a kick out of them. But he isn't asking to play with them. Ha!
So, now I have five dolls in my collection. I have three girl dolls and two boy dolls. They all have dark hair except the red headed doll. I have little doll furniture and I supply of clothes to change their clothes. My husband is pretty supportive of my doll collection. He actually buys the furniture and some of the clothes for them.
I guess you could call it a coping method. It has given me a little fun in dressing little girls. It's fun to find some cute pink outfit and buy it. This time of year, coming up, can be hard on me. I will never forget, last year, I was in such a deep level of dreaming, while at walmart, that I was looking at little Easter dresses. It was about toddler size. I had to tell myself, you don't have a daughter. There wasn't a need to choose which dress to buy.
I guess in a silly way, I get to buy things for girls now. It's only doll girls and I wish I had the real thing.

Friday, February 26, 2010

When my husband says that Izzy is only my daughter in a biological way it hurts me very deep down. It makes me very sad and very mad at the same time. It hurts like no other pain. I can't explain it. For me it's like he is trying to take the air right out of my lungs. He has seen me cry for my daughter and yet he can say things like this.
I chose life for my daughter. I didn't choose to love her. It's just a given. She didn't have to earn my love. I just love her. I know some people don't understand this, but I love her just as much as my sons. I know I am not my daughter's Mom. I know that I didn't raise her. I know that I wasn't there to take care of her, but I still love her. I loved her before birth and after and I haven't stopped. I couldn't give her much, but I gave her life and I don't just mean that she breathes and her heart beats. It goes way beyond that. I feel that I should just give up trying to convince him, but I love my husband. They often say that when a woman stops fighting with you then she has gave up hope and watch out now.

*¨*•☆Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ your ♥ status ♥ if ♥ you ♥ have ♥ the ♥ most ♥ beautiful ♥ DAUGHTER ♥ in the ♥ world☆•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•☆☆•*¨*•.¸¸ ♥ I do!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Does anyone know of a website or forum that is designed for husband's that are married to birthmother's? Somewhere they can get advice or support on how to deal with their wives? This is a big sore spot in our marriage and he has tried to find something but keeps coming up empty. He is not the child's father so has no connection to this child. I happen to be his second wife who placed a child for adoption.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I had my meeting with the person from Meld. It's mostly for Mom's and their children. They provide housing and their basic needs. They get a lot of funding from the government, churches and local people donating funds and items. They provide them with so much more than a place to stay and items.
I wish I was able to go to a place like this with my daughter. I would have gladly walk away from my parents to get a chance to raise my daughter. but I can't do nothing about that.
If all goes as planned, I will be babysitting the young Mom's kids while they are in classes. They run 10 week classes and then break for two. They are just finishing up a class so it will be a while before I can start. It's only an hour on Monday, but I am excited to help this program. I committed to a ten week course and then will see if it's something that I wish to continue. I hope I can handle being around the babies without feeling the loss of mine.
I had to call my work and let them know that they have my permission to pass along the information that I was background checked a few years ago. Well, to my surprise I was recently background checked again. So, all should be well on the legal end of it. I can't blame them for being careful though. We are talking sweet innocent children.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Making a difference

A while back, I posted about wanting to do something to make a difference in people's life. I have been in contact with an organization that houses offers assistance to young people who become pregnant. Meld offers so much more than housing. It assist them in life skills and parenting classes and such. I have an appointment to meet with someone tomorrow to talk about babysitting on Monday nights while the Mom's and Dad's are in classes. I am excited for this chance to help someone. I hope I can be strong enough to see little babies and not be jealous of what they have. I hope I can take pride in knowing that I am helping a family stay together even if it's in a small way. I hope it can be a step in the right direction to be finding some healing and peace. I hope I can teach my boys kindness and use the program as a starting point for preventing pregnancies in young people.
I know this can't change what happened to me and my daughter, but just maybe I can be part of an organization that is assisting young people. I love that they assist them with life skills. I can't wait to get started.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

New babies make me so sad. I am happy for the new family, but it just really gets me down. I haven't been exposed to a new baby in at least 7 years and I can't explain it, but this new one has been the worst. I am quite now sure what to do about it. I thought I was ready, but I am not.
I shouldn't feel this way. I know it's not all about me. My husband and I always end up fighting when we talk about adoption. He doesn't think a Mom feels attachment to her baby until after six months or so. So, in his eyes, I was never my child's mother. So, it's okay that her OBC is hid away in some locked file to never been seen. It's okay that it has another womans name on it has giving birth. I know that I just need to say that we don't agree and that's ok. But to me it's like him saying that your pain isn't real. No injustices was done to you. I love my husband, but I just got to give up.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I have been pretty depressed and haven't been able to shake it. But I do think I am starting to come back up, but only if I don't think about what is getting me down. I know avoiding the hurt is only going to prolong it, but it's my way of dealing right now.
I have been off all week from my job and probably won't go back till a week from today. One thing that is good about my depression is that while I may cry, I don't lie down and cry. I pace the floors and try to find things to do. Last summer, I ripped out all the carpets, because I seen that we have hardwood underneath. This week, I have been slowly cleaning things that need to be done. I am not myself, but then again, I don't really know what myself is anymore.

Monday, February 15, 2010


I think one of the very hardest part besides missing my daughter like crazy is the feeling that I am alone in all this. That there really isn't anyone in my life that can really understand me. I was so hurt that I was blogging about how people don't want to hear from us and I borrowed part of birthmom1986 writing to express how I am not the only one who feels like they can't talk to anyone. So, my husband said did you mean to write that there? It don't belong. He read my words and basically told me that I shouldn't be writing it on that blog. Why not? It's me and how I feel. He totally missed my point and is trying to shove me back in the closet. See to me his equals being told to shut it. What your saying is bad. That means I am bad. What I did was bad. I guess that's why I am not comfortable in my own skin. It's been drilled into to me not to talk people and to hide it.
Well anyways, I have connected with birthmom1986 and we have talked on the phone a few times. It's so wonderful for someone to really get me. For when someone says, I understand where you are coming from and they really do. Sometimes, I feel like I cut her off in conversation, because we have so much in common with how we have been treated through the years. Not totally the same, but enough that we can really relate. So I just want her to know how much her friendship really means to me.
I hope she don't mind me sharing this, but she said something about how her mindset was set on the daughter being a baby. It's so true. For years, I always thought of her as a baby. Sometimes, I still can't believe she is 18 years old.
I wonder if birthparents feel anything simliar to gay people before they tell everyone that they are gay. They have to live a fake life and can't be themselves. That is how I feel. The shame of giving up ( child being taken from me) is driven so deep that I am afraid to tell others about my story and face their judgment. Blogging gives me a voice. And I am not going to shut up.

I know this isn't adoption related, but I have three bunnies. Two are males that I adopted when they were five. They are six now. They live together and kiss and groom each other. My husband bought the one one when she was a baby. Her cage is kind of small and she can't run around, because she chews wires. Today, I found a huge bunny cage for only 15.00. It's like a huge condo. I hope she likes her new home.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Thank you.

I don't know why I never done it before, but it felt good to express some of my thoughts and feelings on how I think adoption could be improved. It felt good to have a voice to express the injustice the system and my parents did to me. I think the saddest part is that we need a system to protect young women from their own parents. I don't know if I can ever really forgive them for what they did or didn't for me.
I tried my best to always use words like expectant Mom or Mom to be, because I believe the term "birthmother" shouldn't come into play until after the TPR's are signed. She needs to know that at any time during her pregnancy if she finds the will to parent then that is her baby and that is okay to do. I can only imagine that adoption workers see a lot of joy out of adoption but the key to remember is that their is a lot at stake here. Adoption loss doesn't just leave you. It's not like getting the flu or breaking your leg. Your whole life on what I felt like it was suppose to be like has changed. I should have three kids and yet I only have two. I should have experienced Motherhood to a daughter, but I didn't. It never goes away. The emotions may go up and down and maybe you can even try to forget that you had a kid, but sooner or later your going to fall on your face. I really don't think there is an escape for my pain. It's part of my life. I want it to go, but the hurt is so deep.
I want to thank each and every person who discussed this subject with. I may or may not agree with everything everyone said and the same the other way around, but for the most part, I think everyone kept the cool. Adoption is such a sensitive topic and it's easy for me to lose my temper, because I always feel like I am being judged. I feel that people in my life think that giving up a child to adoption is like giving up a dog. Get over it.
I won't go into details where or how, but I just found out someone that I used to see on a somewhat regular basis gave up a son 18 years ago. Wow! I never knew.
Lastly, I want to say that I know that there are good agency's and good adoptive parents out there. I don't ever want anyone to think that I think everyone is out to sneak a fast one on some poor unsuspecting girl. Thanks again for your input.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My step daughter is due to have her baby in 4 days. I am so excited!!! I know my husband is going to cry. I can't wait to meet this new little baby into our family.

Update: She called my husband about 4:30 am and was on the way to the hospital. He went to be with her. I can't wait to see the baby.

The baby was born about 10 30 pm. She weighs in at over 8 lbs. I haven't seen her yet.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The legal system

I think the worst, in the adoption industry is the legal system. I personally think that both birth mother's and birth father's are not properly represented when it comes to the final act of giving up your parental rights to your child.
Birth father's rights are not protected. If a women goes to court to sign away her rights to her child and says that she doesn't know who the father is then his rights are gone too. It's too simple. I, for one, did that and it wasn't right. They should have a say about their children. I know that in cases where the birthfather runs when he finds out he is going to be a father might think he deserves it, but I believe more needs to be done to make sure he has a say.
I think more needs to be in place to protect the younger women coming in to sign their legal rights away. I mean give free representation to people convicted of a crime, but none to someone making a life changing decision. I, too, was a victim of this. A 15 year old, in court in front of a scary judge and no one telling me of my rights. I don't mean the judge probably didn't but I mean someone like a counselor or a lawyer to remind me of my rights. I think a less scary room other than the court room would let the woman or man understand what more is going on and the finalization of their decision.
I think another big injustice is the time framed when someone can legally sign away their parental rights to their child. After, only 72 hours of giving birth, my daughter was no longer legally mine. I believe the time should be more like 7 to 14 days. It's way too soon.
My daughter was taken from me when she was 24 hours old and legally I didn't even know that she was still mine then. It just goes to show how I wasn't given the right legal help and suffered for it. I know not all cases are the same, but I don't believe I am the only one who suffered at the hands of the legal system.

Monday, February 8, 2010

My thoughts on open adoption

I believe that all open adoptions should be a legal bonding document that can be held up by the courts. I am sure that I didn't surprise any of you there. I believe this is the only 100% safe way for a woman to know that when an prospective adoptive couples says we agree to a open adoption that they really mean it. If they are not willing to agree to a legal document then maybe they are not 100% committed to an open adoption.
I think that this document could be in the works after a match is made and that it should have some wiggle room if either party feels something isn't working for them. But never ever never ever should a birthmother totally get cut out 100% unless there is a very good reason for it. I mean something really drastic. I think if/when problems arrive that the parties can't solve on their own that should be mandated to go to an counselor that specializes in adoption. I just think more needs to be done to protect the birth parents from feeling the loss of the promised open adoption.
I do know that there are plenty of good adoptive parents out there that wouldn't dream of cutting their child's birthparents out of their lives and that they do their best to give their children the best of both worlds. But there are others who for their reasons just can't get past their fear or whatever else might make them just end contact.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Young at heart

I collect dolls and I love to dress them and change their positions around in the house. I have lots of real baby clothes for them. I don't wanna grow up. Ha! Here is a picture, but it's not picture, because I broke my camera. sniff sniff. haha.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

my thoughts on adoption part 2

I want to start off by saying that I am not anti adoption. I honestly know that sometimes it's is the answer. First, I think most people should stay clear away from private adoptions. It is my experience so I suppose it's only natural that's how I feel.
So, if a woman is leaning towards adoption and is going to go to an agency to look more into it. I think, because especially, if you never had a child before, they need to do more to prepare you to make this final step in your decision. I think they should suggest you read some books on adoption from birthparents side of things. I believe it would be good if they could connect them with some birthparents to talk to. Although, I can see them saying that it's not within their policy or them choosing the ones with that seem well adjusted that might not tell you a horror story.
If they have gone through the options and talked to other people. I think the next thing agencies should try to do is talk with her family members. To see if they are on the same page as far as the adoption and a kind of speak now or forever hold your peace type of deal. I think they need to be reminded that when the baby is born they will be a whole another set of emotions and hopefully they can convince them that if they are going to offer up support or help to raise the baby then do it now. It could save an couple from having the heart ache of a failed match.
So semi open, open or closed adoption? I think she needs to be fully told that open adoptions are not legally binding. They should say it again and again, if they choose to cut you off then it's their choice. It's not going to make it any easier when that happens to someone but at least she went in with the knowledge of the law.
I know there are good and bad of every profession and that includes adoption agencies. I think because so much is at sake that there needs to be more done to prevent the women being taken advantage of. I think the adoption worker should have someone who is supervising her by example recording the meetings and also have the expectant Mom to meet with her adoption workers boss.
A few things I think the workers shouldn't say to the expectant Mom.
  • What a wonder thing your doing. Your helping a couple who would otherwise not have children have a child. (not my problem) They are giving the baby a Mom and Dad.
  • Never tell them oh you will get to go on and have more babies and go back to your normal life. ( life will never be the same)
  • The adoptive couple can provide so much more than you.
  • You are giving them a much better life.
  • Don't speak to them as if they baby is already the adoptive couples
Somethings that they should tell her.
  • See the baby. Spend all the time you want with him or her so say hello and goodbye.
  • after the birth, it's still your choice.
  • It's okay to cry.
  • should encourage her to speak to people about adoption. Don't keep it a secret.
  • She is your baby until you sign away the rights. You make can make the decisions about the baby.
  • Make sure she gets some pictures. Someone did that for me.
I am about to wrap this up for now, but I think the hardest part of adoption is that you may have gone through all your options and you feel it's the only option but it hurts like hell. All the reasons in the world isn't gonna make it any better.
I have more to add on this subject, but will save it for later.

Friday, February 5, 2010

my thoughts on adoption

First, I want to say that I am not claiming to be an expert on adoption or do I think that I have all the answers and while I am interested in adoption to keep improving, I am not doing anything about it. I will probably break up my thoughts on a few different posts over the week, because I can ramble pretty good. I do believe that I am doing my part by my blogging. I know people have thought different on closed adoptions after reading what I write.

I think when a woman is facing on pregnancy that she didn't plan for and is scared, I think the first step she should turn to is a pregnancy crisis center. They can give her a start in the right direction. They have the best resources on where to go if you need some assistance and can counsel you to help you start thinking about if you can parent or choose adoption. I honestly don't know if they counsel you for abortion. Never considered it something I ever wanted to talk about.
I think only when your more leaning towards adoption should you go into an adoption agency. I think women need to do some serious soul searching. I never did, because I was in denial that I was having a baby?
What kind of a home do I want for my baby?
Do I want my child to have a stay at home Mom?
Two parents?
Can I afford the basics that a baby requires?
Is there resources that might help me?
Am I mature enough to raise a child?
Do I have family support that may help me raise my child in the beginning years?
Do I want to go to finish high school? Or college? Is there programs out there that could help me?
Do I understand that adoption in a lot of cases is a solution to a temporary problem?
If adoption do I want a closed or open adoption?
If adoption. Do I want my child to go to couple with out children and possibly be an only child or do I choose someone with children already?

I am sure there are other things women think about when considering to parent or choose adoption. I think so key things for them to remember is while they can choose the parents based on profiles and meetings to fit the criteria on how they would like their child to be raised, but can you trust that all couples will be honest?
More importantly are you able to see that after the adoption you are not in the drivers seat anymore. How are you going to feel if you placed, because you want your child to have a stay at home Mom and something happens and she has to work? Or if a big reason was because you want your child to have a two parent household and they divorce? 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Along with a divorce, a lot of times comes harder fiancial times. Now you have two parents supporting two households instead of one. I will be honest, if I choose adoption, because I didn't want my child to feel the strain of money problems, but then something happened and the couple ended up broke, like me, I would be angry. I gave them up so that they could have a better life. If it wasn't my child, I might be able to say I understand stuff happens, but there is a chance that when it's your kid and your feeling the loss that it's too much to bare. This was just an example.
I am going to end this part of my views on adoption with the fact that I use the term "my child" because I think for me it was hard to see my baby as anymore than a baby. It's important to think of them as a child and not just a baby. Also, by all the mention of getting assistance, I am not suggesting that anyone get a free ride. Just pointing out some areas where people can get help. I will write more on this topic until I get all the thoughts on adoption down, but it might take a few days, because if it's too long then you might just get bored.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I am not working as much as I used to, because times have changed I guess. I am working so that is a very good thing. However, I have to much time on my hands to think and thinking isn't always a good thing to me.
On most weeks, I have my day time free, because the hours I am being offered is 2nd shift. It's part of the reason, I am not working more, because I won't do anymore than that. But it's leaving the daytime free to do nothing and think.
I really need to do something with my life instead of thinking of poor me. I want to turn it around. I want to think of others. Maybe that will be giving free time to some nursing home if it's allowed. We have crazy rules. Or maybe it's starting to find the places where I can be a assist other women. Maybe that could be a little babysitting or a shoulder to lean on. Maybe I could be someone who can be notified if there is a poor girl making a adoption plan without support on her side. I know that I can't save them all, but just being able to cry with someone maybe that can be me. I don't want to be bitter and angry forever. If I can make the difference in someone's life then maybe I can turn my life around. Then, maybe I could give back. I could give what I wasn't given. Now, I just got to figure out a way to do this and really think more. Is it something that I can do? Am I emotionally ready for this? Can I do it without reliving my experience?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Only a small number of people know that I had a daughter and that I am birth mom. Have you ever really thought of the term Birthmother? Isn't everyone that gives birth a Birthmother to all their children. Just a funny thought for today.
Back to why not that many people know. Through the years, when I would try to be more open and tell people a huge part of my history they always said the wrong things. I think the worst was that be happy that you have a son or two sons when the second son came along. It make me want to shrink back under the rug, because I felt like I was being told to not feel bad about the first, because you have others. It doesn't work that way. Just because I have missed my daughter doesn't mean that I am not happy that I am a Mom to two boys.
So, through the comments and just overall not being comfortable in my own skin I keep it a secret. It's made me feel insecure of who I am. I have been working with being more out in the open, but for the most part, I feel it's just not something people want to hear. Now that I am older, I know that it's not personal, but I still have that knee jerk reaction to go under the rug.
With my first marriage, adoption was the elephant in the room. We both knew it was there, but we didn't talk about it. With my second husband and my last, even if I have to kill him. hehe. Adoption has been an evil word in our life. We have such different thoughts on it that even though we try to talk about it, we just can't without a fight. It's probably the saddest part of my marriage that I don't feel safe that I can talk and be sad. That doesn't mean he don't see me at my worst, but I have always felt like he kicked me while I was down. I know that maybe now that he is sober it's doesn't have to be that wa. Been that way since May yea!!!! That maybe things would be different, but I don't think his attitude has changed. The way that I feel a outsider is why I wish that I could have my husband for support. I know that I should be so happy that he is sober and being a good husband now, but it's how I feel. Don't get me wrong, because we are doing so much better now. I love him so much. He and my children are my life. Don't forget my zoo too!!!
I see that I have new followers! Welcome to my little space on the Internet. I try to look at adoption from all sides. Sometimes, I get down and I say things like I hate adoption. Please don't take it personal. If I can't vent here then I am lost. I know that all adoptions are not the same and I have tried hard to learn from others in this circle of blogs that I read. I ask questions and I do my best to say things in the most polite way if I think something is a little off on how you say something. But in the end, I respect that's it's your space on the Internet and that I can only suggest and then make the decision if your blog is something that I like to read. There are times that I take a break from adoptive parents blog, especially the ones with girls, because it's sometimes just too hard. So, I comment and then don't for a while. It's probably not personal. Thanks for the interest in my blog. I wonder if I can get 50 followers before Valentines Day!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Izzy

It's been a while since I wrote you a letter. I can't believe that you are 18 years old now. The time really goes by fast. Sometimes, I wish I could shut off the hurt. I miss the life that we should have lived. I would be a different person today if I was your Mother. I believe I would be a better person, because I wouldn't carry so much grief and sorrow inside of me.
How can I ever get over the fact that I am not your Mom. Your Mom is a stranger to me. How can I ever get over the betrayal my family showed me. How can I ever get over all the lies. My heart aches for what should have been. My sweet girl, I love you more than you will ever know. How do I keep going on when I feel so lost inside? I have two great sons.Why I can't be happy like everyone says. You have two sons be happy. Bull shit. It don't work that way. Sweet girl, you will never fully know the pain that I feel, because it's not yours to carry. Love you.

want to vote?

My step daughter is going to have a baby girl soon. Anyone want to vote on the day the baby will be born? To make it more fun, I won't tell you the due date, but some dates are early and some would make the baby late. None of them are totally out of the game.
If anyone gets it right, I plan on making a package of some baby items to drop off at a pregnancy crisis center. It's something I kind of want to start doing anyway. So go vote please. It's my "Normal blog"

I need advice

I am a caregiver through an agency that provides in home care for the elderly. However, if asked, we will work in nursing homes and hospitals. Most of my experience has been with a couple that was 96 years of age and was still living at 98 years. I call them Bob and Sandy. They canceled out company, because they could no longer have the live-in rate, but that's not my point.
I am now hourly. I have a client that I work 2nd shift for three times a week and it's working out great. On the other hand, I have a client, who is 58 years old and living in a nursing home. Along, with paying for caregivers to take him places, he has care from 10pm to midnight. This is because they make him go to bed. So, we are there to hang out with him and get him cleaned up and assist him in the bed. We can't lift him on our own. The cna's get all huffy and was just lifting him on their own even though we are there to help. So, we complained and complained and things changed for about two weeks. They were allowing us to assist them. Now, it's back to them just tossing him in the bed.
I don't want to report them night after night. By reporting them, I mean give their names and what they did or didn't do wrong. I feel that being the "good" guy, we are going to piss off the "bad" guys. I am afraid for my car. I am afraid what they could do to me and what they will do to the client if we piss them off enough.
The only reason I am working this shift is because I agreed to third shift, but to them any shift in the time frame is something I have to take. I am thinking about just changing the hours that I can work and do without the pay for these days. My job isn't providing me with a comfortable work environment. What would you do? Would you keep going and reporting? Or change your hours and let them know why? I feel bad for the client, because he is a good guy. However, working till midnight for a two hour shift does kind of mess up my whole routine of things.

Monday, February 1, 2010

More on teen Mom

Thanks for sharing me your thoughts on teen Mom. I didn't mean to imply that the show is trying to make all the teens choose adoption, because most of them choose to parent. I did like the show, but I wonder how much of what we are seeing is a script and how much is real? Also are they only showing the ugly side? I say that because humans tend to want to see drama. Are you really going to sit and watch it if it's all roses?
Now, I am going having a discussion about teen mom. I am not a know it all and this is there sole purpose of the show. It's just some thoughts of mine. It's just when I read somewhere that the couple who choose adoption seemed the most stable, it hit me. What message are they trying to send? I say that, because I honestly believe choice or no choice, if they show you the true emotions you are going to see some pretty raw stuff. And if you are not seeing it then are they showing the good and bad with the parenting Mom's. I guess what I am trying to say is look at it from my side. If they did a show on infertility and they were nice and patient and you didn't see tears would you wonder if it was a fake?
I guess the teens I am worried about are the pregnant ones now. If they already have the questions on their minds about wondering if they can be a good parent and that show might or might not influence their choice. I wouldn't want some teen to make a decision on parenting on something we see on tv when we know it might be not the whole picture.
Lastly, I think the first year as a parent is rough. For a first time parent, it's a new whole life style. It takes time to get into a routine with your husband. It changes the role you have with your husband for a while. And the sleepless nights. I am willing to admit that if someone took take with both of my new born sons you could see not not so pretty moments.
I haven't really seen the show since the reunion show that ended the first season. I have read a lot of comments from it though. We don't pay for tv anymore. i know I can watch it on the internet but it loads slowly.