family stuff

Both of my parents attended my sister's graduation along with my brother and my sister's boyfriend. We all couldn't sit together due to my brother and Dad not being able to climb the stairs due to their health conditions.

That left my Mom and my sister's boyfriend and me sitting in one row to watch my sister graduate.

For the record.. I have seen my Mom more this month than I have probably in a full year.

Remember.. I mentioned my little sister is moving away for college and wondering how that will change family dynamics. My little sister tends to be the one that does a lot for our dad, my brother and see's my Mom more than me. Not a whole lot more but I believe they are/were in communication more than me.

I helped my stepmother get a job cause I can't take her place and give my Dad money so hoping the need won't be there.

Well, anyways, my Mom surprised me by asking did I want to go to six Flags with my sister and her before my sister moves away and that she would pay for it. I was shocked to say the least. My Mom never includes me in the things she does and if I am included it's cause someone else invited me.

I said that I would go but I don't really do the scary rides. I said, " I know Stephen will love the rides" I hope she knows an offer to Six Flags to me is an offer to my son too. I could never go without him. I never knew how much Six Flags costed and now I know about sixty bucks so hope she doesn't mind paying for him too.

I don't know what all this means.. maybe we will get some sort of a relationship back or after my sister is gone.. it will fizzle back down to holidays only. I think I can live with it going either way and while it would be nice to have a relationship and feel wanted by my Mom.

I know I am loved by many and I know I will be okay without the relationship. I know it's not all me. I won't say not me. I know that I carry my own baggage to the relationship. No matter what I will be okay.

On the reunion front of things with Izzy. She will be in town soon. I hope to see her if it's only once while she is here. Her brother is graduating from high school and she is going to be shopping for a place for her wedding.

Class of 2013

My little sister graduated from our two year local college tonight!! I was lucky enough to watch her graduate and spend the evening out to dinner with her and her boyfriend and my brother.

Today marks the 4 year mark where my husband tried to cut back his drinking and had a seizure at work! Question: Who and the hell goes to work when they are having withdrawals from drinking?? It's probably a good thing that he went to work that day. I never really thought of what might have had happened if he had a seizure while at home and I was at work. Honestly, I don't remember if I was at work but I know I was there the next day while he was in the hospital still.

I wonder what if he would have been fixed had he not went to the hospital. I don't know what they did but four years later and still not drinking and without the desire. He has no need for AA meetings or anything else like it. Not knocking those that needs those programs.

My husband just asked me the other day which man do I like best? The one that was drinking and had a job? Or the one that doesn't have a job and does nothing?

Umm.. not a hard answer.. Take the sober husband any day. The drunk one was an asshole!!

My friend Pam called me today and we have a really nice conversation. I love how openly she expresses her love for me. I find it ironic that I can talk to her for 30 minutes and the conversation just flows so easily and we get along so well. But when it comes to speaking to my own Mom.. that I just find it hard. I have anxiety about being alone with her or having a conversation on the phone. I feel bad that I didn't remember Mother's day. She never remembers my birthday so guess it's the same right?

She loved the card and was amazed at how well the card fit our friendship. It makes me want to go buy the same card and save it in my scrapbook.

Pam and I have a lot in common and one is the anxiety about traveling and driving on the highways. She said it might be possible that your really are my biological child. haha. We talked about 30 minutes and mentioned trying to get together soon and even bring Stephen out to swim in her pool.

After we hung up, my phone rang and it was her again. She said she totally forgot to mention how amazing my pictures looked.

I hope we really do get together soon cause I would love to see her.

A litany for Mothers by Amy L. Sullivan

To those who gave birth this year to their first child-- we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year-- we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains-- we appreciate you.

To those who have experiences loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions , or running away-- we mourn with you.

To those who have walked the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment-- we walk with you.

Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster Moms, mentor moms, and spiritual Moms-- we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children-- we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children. -- we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year-- we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother-- we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests,medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood-- we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year-- we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who step-parent-- we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on your grandchildren-- yet that dream is not meant to be, we grieve with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption-- we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising-- we anticipate with you.

This Mother's Dad, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst/
We remember you.

Mother's day

Mother's Day leaves me a little sad. I feel like I have lost so much in the area of motherhood. I don't have very much of a relationship with my Mom and the only thing that holds us together as in ever seeing each other is my sisters and brother.

I have lost a daughter to adoption. I know I am reunited and that is a gift that one can never take for granted but still it's the nagging feeling of wishing she would remember me. I think I get a little jealous seeing my clients get fancy flowers and I never get anything like that. I know I shouldn't get jealous but that's how I feel. Even though.. I know in my heart my own family as in husband and kids can't afford to spend crazy amounts on flowers.

A few years ago, in attempt to find a way to celebrate Mother's Day I started honoring a very special person in my life. How I remember her can vary from a drop in drop off flowers and card and run. Or a phone call on Mother's day or even a Mother's Day card sent in the mail. This year, I went with the card.

I included a little update on how my family is doing and how I am doing with my weight loss. I enclosed a few pictures of me and a book mark that I had picked up when I was on my retreat.

I am the type that takes time to find the right card and I found a perfect one for my friend Pam. I hope she loved it. I am sure she will call me all happy and tell me how much it meant to her.









I am not sure if you will be able to read what the card says.. but it states how even though we didn't grow up together that she came along at the right time.

Just wanted to add that Pam called me this morning and I couldn't get to the phone. She referred to herself as on of My mothers as of sort. She said my card almost made her cry. I wish I could have gotten to her call but I am sure we will talk soon.

My sister and her 3 girls were in town visiting this week. It occurred to me to get Alex home to see them. My little sister picked him up. It's in another state but not even 30 miles. To me it might as well be the moon because traveling scares me. I don't have a sense of direction. Going high speeds scare me. Being in a strange land far from my home scares me.

My Mom and Dad and step Mom was here too. So was my brother and of course both of my sisters. Alex's gf was here too.

I really miss my sister quite a bit. I wish she didn't live so far away. It's hard to be a aunt to children who you only see once a year. I am horrible with birthday cards and stuff. I do okay if I send one person a card for a special occasion but with three or four of them it's harder to remember and once you forget one... you don't want to send the next one a card out.

All three sisters were crying as we left. My Mother left before everyone else did and she looked like she was fighting tears. I wonder how come she cries for my sister who lives far away but not for her daughter that lives close by?

To make matters worse.. come the end of summer. my little sister is moving six hours away. It doesn't make me a happy camper.

I had to drive Alex back home tonight. Alex asked if he was staying the night and I am sure he would have loved too so he could have visited with his gf more but I know my husband wouldn't have liked it if Alex stayed and I was gone all day for work.

Everyone was confusing me trying to tell me the best way there. Finally my Dad rode down with me and Alex and we dropped Alex off. I just got home about 45 minutes ago and not sure if I could drive again if I had to do it. I hate that such a little distance can hold the power to keep me from seeing Alex but it's so scary.

This was the first time I seen him since he moved. I think I seen tears in his eyes again. I am thinking he misses his gf.