Monday, June 22, 2020
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
I am feeling nervous about the scrapbooking weekend cause my scrapbook is pretty personal to me. The weekend seems like it might be one of those sharing things where people get ideas off one another.. however, I don't know that to be true.
I can be there from Saturday 9 am to Sunday 3pm.. I am debating if that is too long. I don't know if I will cut it short on the beginning or the end.. or not at all.. one thing that I am going to love is that it has a hot tub and a pool.. so that is pretty exciting to me.
The reason my scrapbook is personal to me is that it's been made with the plan to give it to my daughter.. So it tells part of a story that I just don't share often.
I am excited to go and looking forward to getting working on the book again. I am just so stuck with it. Most of the work that has been done has been done before I met my daughter..So before I met her it was a book to be given to an idea of a daughter. It was my therapy.. now it's to be given to a real live daughter. I am protective of my scrapbook.. I even question if I can ever really give it away to her.
I haven't even documented our reunion or any of our visits. It's hard to find the right words and not really any good layouts or fancy stickers for reunion of a Mother and daughter.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
I pulled out my scrapbook today. See.. I have this great chance to go away for a weekend soon that is a scrapbooking weekend. I like retreats and such.. so this seems like a little bit of a retreat.. other women.. activities and meals that come with the package and I don't have to cook it or clean it..
Bad part is that I like to go but also don't like leaving home. I have to step out of my comfort zone and do new things.. It's a little fear of not going somewhere that others will know me.. don't want to be left out.
I didn't realize it's been about 4 years since I have really looked at the book or worked on it. I have been feeling blocked like writers block. I am hoping this weekend away will help give me the motivation to work on it again and someday give it to my daughter.
I sort of don't feel like I have a lot more to add.. it's not like in the beginning that I had lots of events to document ect.. but now it's caught up.. plus it doesn't help that I just haven't been as camera happy as I used to be.. then add that I tend to use my cell phone compared to my digital so it's a bit complicated for me to understand how to print pictures.
I sort of don't wanna go cause I don't wanna leave my dog. I just wanna soak her up.. I miss my dog Charlie a lot.. the only good thing to come out of having just Ann is that we really don't need to crate her.. however, often she goes in there on her own.
It's too late to back out of going to the weekend. Hopefully, I will have a good time and maybe even form new relationships..
I think I am having a lot of anxiety over the why I created my scrap book.. so maybe I will blog about that later.. give me another reason to write cause that is something I have slowed down on too.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
About 7 years ago, a little dog entered my life. I found him on craiglist and had to have him.. see the lady that was selling him and bought him one day before she placed the ad. I felt bad. How could someone get a dog and not even give him a day before you decide he wasn't for you.
So, I brought him home and named him Charlie.
This picture above his how Charlie looked like with long hair. I just loved this look. He was a really sweet dog.. Very lovable. He loved to curl up in your neck and give kisses..
Our bond got stronger after one nearly fatal Saturday when a pit bull came out from under his fence and attacked him.. some neigbors helped seperate the dogs and after two surgeries and a month of running back and forth to the vet he recovered from this brutal attack.
This is what Charlie looked liked when he was groomed.
Charlie wasn't the perfect dog.. no matter what I did he would pee on the floor so for the last year or so I had to begin crating Charlie. This wasn't fun but either was stepping in pee as you walked thru the house during the night. Charlie adjusted ok.. he never liked the crate and never slept in.. 645 am meant time to wake me up by barking to go outside.
Charlie loved cats.. Bella was cool with Charlie grooming her for the most part..
Bella above lost her battle with an virus that caused her to lose weight. She went from a 17 pound cat to about a 8 pound cat and wasn't well. We learned Charlie was ill the same week I was coming to term with Bella being too ill to go on..
The vet thought Charlie was going to die back in the early fall.. I thought I was going to lose two of my pals in one week.. I had to choose which animal to deal with first.. so I chose Bella.. She been sicker longer and I hadn't had time to really deal with the idea of losing Charlie.
Oh by the way, we have a cat that wasn't found of Charlie's love of cats.
But Charlie and my black lab got along really well.
They were the perfect pair.. was a few times that Ann got jealous and let him know who was boss but for the most part they did good together..
So like I mentioned the vet said Charlie was ill.. He most likely had a growth but without an xray we couldn't be certain.. an xray wouldn't change anything so I didn't get one.. the vet gave him an vitamin injection and it got rid of the fluid.. he continued to get the injection and then got pill forms of it.. he stumped the vet.. he was shocked he was still alive after the first injection..
Charlie took his medication really well. I would hide it in peanut butter.. he knew what time it was and would remind me it was time for it..
The good outcome of this medication was short lived.. on new years day, he slowed down and was laying around but I didn't pay it much attention. it's cold out.. we all our slower.. when he didn't eat and refused his medication I was worried.. I went from worried to scared for his life in a matter of a couple hours..
Poor Charlie was having a rough time.. He was up and down.. plopping down doing the dead dog look.. I was out of my mind scared.. called the emergency vet.. damn places cost way too much. I couldn't bring him unless I thought he was in serious pain. I was by myself cause my boyfriend was working..
He called my sister to come sit with me.. We stayed at Charlie's side trying to be there for him.. I got him to lay on the couch with me for a little while..
I didn't sleep all night.. As soon as the vet opened we were there waiting.. Charlie didn't enjoy the car ride. He wasn't his happy self.
Charlie's vet was able to see him and seemed sad to see his happy patient struggling.. There was nothing that could be done to save him or make him feel better. I had to make the choice to put him to sleep or bring him home to die.. I would have loved one more kiss.. one more snuggle.. one more happy dance as we fed him but Charlie was struggling and not having a good time.. the vet said the up and down was him struggling to breath.
I am still in a bit of shock how Charlie went from a happy go lucky kiss giving peanut butter begging to at death's door.. but he did.. My Charlie died early Jan 2nd.I made the unselfish decision to put him to sleep. My heart is still hurting.. I still catch myself holding the door for him after Ann comes in from the outside.. i still at times think I hear him bark.. I still think about feeding the dogs.. now it's just Ann and Lucy that cat who doesn't like dogs.. oh yea Filbert the turtle.
I find myself thinking if I could just have one more kiss or one more hug or even one more playful fight that Charlie and I used to do that I would feel better.. but probably would still want one more. I believe Charlie was about 9 or 10 years of age. I sure do miss him.
I will forever be grateful for the years we had together after the attack by the pit bull and even for the few months that lead up to his death.. even though I knew Charlie was most likely ill.. those last few months were happy months for him.. with treatment he started eating again, running with jumping on the couch to snuggle and kiss.. He was enjoying life again. I will treasure those moments.. Rest in peace Charlie. Your were a good boy.. forever in my heart. Say hello to Bella for me.
This last picture was after a month after the first injection when the vet was stumped he was still alive.. Miss you lots little guy.. Ann does too.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
It's Christmas eve already! This year went by fast. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Hope all your wishes and dreams come true tomorrow and the days going forward.
I don't believe I have posted about Alex. He just recently turned 22 years of age. He doesn't get to see his baby much.. I need to get working on that with him with the courts. However, he seems to have found the right girl. They seem to be happy and she has a 7 year old daughter who I think is adorable.
Here comes the letting go part. I collected dolls and paid quite a bit of money to get them. I have just kind of out grew it and haven't been keeping them displayed or even cleaned up.. They just been stored in the closet. I decided I would pull all the dolls out and choose one to give as a Christmas gift to my son's girlfriend's daughter. It wasn't easy to commit to doing that. I almost backed out cause even though I haven't been displaying or paying them much attention they once had been an important part of my life. I have seem to outgrow the need for baby dolls.
I remember when I was collecting them I was in a very bad spot in my life when it came to adoption. I believe I used the dolls as a band aid to cover up my hurt. I bought the dolls on layaway and always looked forward to the day I would pay off a new doll and bring it home. I like to go shopping for clothes for the dolls.. change their clothes.. but litle but little I don't get the same excitement for them.
I choose to give her this doll.
She cleaned up really well. My regret is that I don't have the original dress anymore but this one will do. I think I choose this doll because I feel less attached to it.. All the rest of my dolls besides a bald baby and this red head doll have dark hair and I believe more baby like.. so the struggle to choose this doll was easier compared to the rest.
Someday, I may choose to pass on the rest of my dolls or maybe I might find a spot for them and keep them.. but for now I feel it's best that someone else enjoy this pretty doll.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Izzy received my Christmas gifts I sent her and thanked me on facebook and mentioned how I would be getting something from her.. I got it tonight.. We both sent each other smelly lotion and perfumes ect.. It doesn't surprise me that we do that kind of stuff.
Just think of the shipping costs we could save if we just both agree to "buy our own stuff" haha.. I would never suggest that.. It feels good to have this fun exchange of gifts between us.
I do wonder is the lack of gifts part of the reason she has been distant? I can't answer for her but I know the lack of the acknowledged gift had bothered me and made me less likely to give gifts and the lack of in person visits.. who wants to pay shipping if they are in town..
I really hope our relationship doesn't come down to lotions and stuff. I love her even if I don't get or give gifts.
I have yet to give Izzy her scrapbook.. I haven't worked on it in a long time. I just haven't been in the mood.. but I see there is a expo coming up soon for scrapbooking.. It's a weekend getaway. They have different packages to choose from.. I so badly want to go but going away always make me nervous plus I have to pay for it up front.. I wish I had more time to think about it and decide.
I would be doing the option that gives me one full day, over night and until the next afternoon.. It includes a few meals. I would love to get out there and meet new people and maybe get some motivation to finish the scrapbook and be ready to give it to her.
Has anyone done anything like this before? The deal is 160.00 which isn't bad for over night and a few meals.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
It's hard to believe it's almost Christmas time already. We had a mild start to winter and just now a few days ago got some snow and cold weather has finally set in. I wish I could set my house down somewhere warmer.
I have chose to make it important to send Izzy a Christmas gift. It's been a few years since I have done Christmas or birthday gifts.. It's partly due to me not getting a response from Christmas gift in the past and me not being able to see her on her birthday even though she is around.
I really don't know if lack of gifts is part of the reason she has been distant.. I am not sending a gift to buy her love and I know I am accepting a chance of being hurt but I just want her to know I am thinking of her. I am guilty of not saving her address so I will try to put it somewhere safe and hopefully start sending things more often.. not gifts or anything but just cards ect.. take her as she comes. I know that is easier said than done. I didn't get much. I got her a Avon set of body powder, perfume and lotion. The truth is I bought it before I knew if she would respond with her address so hell might as well buy something I would like.. so happy to report I am not keeping the gift. I doubt if I will send anything else but who knows.
I am in the market for a new car. My car is still running but the body is rusting out bad and it needs repairs and I have had two mechanics that suggest not fixing the car due to the body..
So.... I have my heart set on a jeep or a suv.. I love the Jeep Cherokee and I like the Ford Explorer or ford Escapes.. I kind of like the sportier SUVS but not sure if they will be too small.. I am being pretty picky.. I want it to be Blue and heated leather seats. I hope it's new enough I can put my phone in the dash thing.. I hope to get something after the new year.
Anyone have any SUV models to suggest?
Tomorrow, my work is having a Christmas open house. We have new owners so no big Christmas party.