Saturday, October 18, 2014

Weekend getaway

I am going away on a retreat for Mom's with special needs tonight!! I am so excited! I wish there was a retreat for birthmom's close by to me! I think that would be an awesome thing to do. I have heard of one but it would involve planes and more money I have to spend and I don't travel well.

This is my 3rd or 4th year year going. I have lost track. I look forward to it each year at the end of the summer.

This year I suggested we do a clothing exchange and I have a huge box of clothes to bring. I hope others bring stuff too. It should be fun! I agreed to take everything to the goodwill that doesn't find a new home. but I believe one of the Mom's has a yard sale every year thru her church to help raise funds for her son's care so I might just save the leftovers for that.

Here is a most recent picture of my son! He will be staying an extra weekend with his Dad!

I plan on taking a little bit of a diet and logging break of my calories while I am gone but hopefully not by too much. They do the cooking and mostly serve us so the option to pig out isn't really a big option. They do tend to have little candies laying around but also fruit too.

I plan on getting a workout in before I leave and hopefully a little walk while I am there and then I will be home in time on Sunday to get my workout in. I am so close to my weight loss goal but the scale keeps teasing me.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Follow up post

I thought I would do a follow up post from the last one. It wasn't the "I wish" that got me upset.. I felt that comment was right on for how she probably feels about the situation. It was the "you assume we don't have car payments" that I thought was harsh.. I know it's bad to assume so I get that I was never given all the details. I know she bought her car from the newspaper.. what I assumed is that she paid cash.. So I am guessing she got a loan.. I just thought how she handled my mistake was kind of rude.

Thanks everyone for all the comments. It did help me feel better. Sometimes, I need a reminder that I am not the only one who is dealing with loss and reunion struggles. She has never spoke up sadness over adoption or reunion but that doesn't mean hurt and anger isn't there.. Or it all maybe fine with her but maybe she is happy with the little contact we have.

I haven't gone into a lot of detail about my loss or how hard reunion at times is for me. She has no idea that I blog about adoption or reunion. I really don't know how she would feel about it.

I do feel that Izzy has something eating away at her but don't know if it's adoption related or not.. or maybe I am looking too much into a situation.. I am trying to compose a post about her weight in my private blog but so far it's coming along very slowly. So there. I said it. I am concerned about her weight and wonder what is eating at her for her to eat so much? Or is it just as simple as too big of portions and not enough daily activity? and I am way off on her having some emotional trouble driving her to eat to get to the size that she is? I have a lot of unknowns about it.

I wonder if she has anger towards me cause I am hitting my weight loss goals and she has failed at her attempts to lose weight and keep it off? It's just a thought.. I will try to keep working on my post in my private blog cause to go further in this topic probably should be private.

I wanted to also add that I love Izzy no matter what her size or the amount of contact we have.. That doesn't mean I don't get hurt, feel sad or anger towards her or the situation.

The relationship between a birthmom and her birthdaughter is a tough one. I normally don't use term birthdaughter but it fits for this post.

We don't know each other like Mom and daughter. We don't have 23 years of memories as a Mom and daughter typically would have as if I had rasied her. We have been in contact for 5 years now. It's been 4 since we met each other face to face. I believe she moved away from home after about two years of face to face contact. So we only had a short while where we both were easily available to the other person.

It's hard to know what to talk to her about. I used to share things with her about my sons when things were tough but I don't feel that is right for her to hear about that stuff. I wouldn't want her passing judgement on things I said based on our bad days.. Either on them or thinking to herself thank God I escaped that horrible Mother.

I don't like talking to her too much about money struggles with her. I would feel like she might feel again thank god I got away from that.. I have no problem telling a close friend our struggles cause I have known her a long time and we have spent many hours over a good ten year period knowing quite a lot of stuff from each other. I don't fear my good friend judges me not does she have the same kind of thing going on where she could have been raised in my environment.

Relationship issues are kind of weird too! Maybe that is the closest ones to normal that I can think of right now. I really don't want to discuss my marriage problems or my husband's and mine's sex life about too little or too much. haha.. With my best friend nothing is off limits. Not that we sit around for hours discussing sex or marriage troubles but it's not off the table. I say this is simliar to normal for a Mother and daughter cause the topics I mentioned wouldn't be talked about with my children that I raised either.

Izzy and I had a lot in common when we both were trying to lose weight and being sucessful with it! We could really get a good conversation going about our good choices, calorie ccounting and workouts. I don't think it's quite a comfortable conversation for her anymore because she isn't losing weight and it's possible she has gained it.

Izzy is into extreme couponing but I haven't heard much about it online lately. I tried to talk to her about that to get tips but I just couldn't get into it nor could I understand how she got some amazing steals.

Izzy is really into crafts right now!! I am not sure where she got such a creative mind from. It's not that I am not interested in creating stuff but seems like I have moved past that stage in my life. She is actually trying to sell her items on a website. I checked out the website and it's pretty neat looking stuff.

Izzy is really into old items and going to flea markets and stuff like that! I am not sure if her parents on the same. My Mother is like this to a certain extent but my Mom also does this kind of hunting for old items to turn around and sell them. Izzy is also really creative with fixing up old stuff and making it look nice. I have done this sort of stuff once with an old dresser. I think sometimes money problems keeps my creative side down. When it comes to having kids to feed and cloth.. Mom doesn't get a lot of extra money to spend on herself. I wonder if Izzy parents are simliar and that is where she got it from. I believe her Mom rents a store that sells used odd's and ends. My aunt who knew Izzy's parents is simliar to my Mom so it's possible she got this collecting thing from her parents.

Thanks again for all the comments! It does help to remember she may have her own stuggles too.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Ouch! That hurt!

I admit that a lot of my communication these days with Izzy is just on facebook! I don't know her as much as I would like to. A big part of that is cause she lives far away and another part is I feel she doesn't give me enough time to visit when she does come home and I just don't have the income to travel and I hate traveling with a passion and don't know how to travel.

Well, anyways, today, I felt like she was rude to me and wonder if it is a hint of some anger issues with me.

Back story is that I remember that I believe both of the cars they drive were bought used off of people in the newspapers and even though we never discussed if they have payments or not I assumed she paid cash for her car.. Now his car.. I don't recall if it's the same car or not but again I never got the impression they had car payments..

You know what Assume stands for...


So basically she had posted on facebook about one or both cars always having a recall or a breakdown.. and again thinking that the cars were paid for I said something to the extent of being happy they are not paying car payments and fixing cars.. I only said that cause I know how that feels and again I thought they had bought the cars out right..

So she says "you assume we don't have car payments?"

I said, "I was sorry that I thought they had paid cash out right for the cars before they moved"

She replaied that "i wish"

AM I being extra senstive or what that rude of her to put it that way?

I might be sensative because while I love her I still just feel like she doesn't really care to know me.

Thinking of laying low and leaving her be for a while.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Private blog

I posted a couple pictures over on my private blog so for those that are following that you can go check them out. I know I haven't been blogging much on there at all. I hope to write soon about a topic that is close to my heart about Izzy. I just hope I don't come off as judgemental or not fully accepting her or loving her.. Cause all that would be very far from the truth. The address can be found here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

job change maybe?

I picked up a job application for my local YMCA today!! I been with my current job for 8 years.. I have two clients. One is 85 years of age and can he pretty high needs and it's almost a daily (evening) struggle. I work second shift for her. I have been with her for 4 years. It's her shift that mostly causes some issues for child care for my son. Even though he is 14 years of age we don't leave him alone. We have more bad days together than good.. Meaning I am not always sucessful with getting her to shower, stay productive and stay awake and most recently refusing medication because "I am out to make her go to sleep" We get pressured not to let her feed her dog cause he is fat. I get over half my hours from her. 20 hours per week.

My other client is 92 years of age and is in pretty good shape. I have been with her for over 2 years. We have mostly good days but there are times where it's stressful. We have more good days than bad and laugh quite a bit. I work during the day so during the school year this shift doesn't effect me being there for my son. I get less than half of hours from her.. (about 16 hours per week)

I babysit for a church on Sunday mornings and I love it. It's only about 2 hours and I get paid once a month for 100 bucks and I really enjoy going. It's on my day off so there have been times I been burned out from going but mostly when I go and there are not any kids showing up.

This gets me to the point of my post.. I know it's not adoption related but might help me to write about it.

I have a fitness buddy that works in the daycare where members can drop off thier children so they can workout. She says they are hiring and would put in a good word for me.

I was all set on applying and still plan on to fill out an application tomorrow but the idea makes me nervous.

My plan or wish is that I can pick up a shift or two once per week and drop one or two shifts from my clients.. I would rather it be the second shift client but I feel guilt over making this decision to follow thru.. this client still lives at home and my client's family really loves me.. what if me not being there three times a week seal the deal to put her in a home? I feel guilt because honestly I care more about the evening client due to the 4 years but she has changed so much that it's a challenge and I am stressed easily.

My pros for making this change are the following:

Discount with the YMCA.
I can bring my son with me to the YMCA.
I could work out before or after a shift.
The YMCA is closer.
I like babies and children and feel it would be less stressful to me.
Hoping that I can replace the evening shifts for day shifts.. less of a struggle for my son and rides for my husband for his job.

Cons maybe:

Might make less money per hour or don't get enough hours to replace the hours I give up.
Might regret not being there for my clients.
Unknown if I would enjoy being with children all day compared to a short 2 hour thing.
Afraid I might have to work more days per week to get my full time hours between all 3 jobs.
AFraid I may lose my weekend! Meaning two days off together.
Did I mention money? Big concern of losing money. I don't make a lot of money but can't afford to take a pay cut.
AFraid that this could actually cut into my workout time.. as in I been here all day.. I just want to go home!
Afraid my son might not like hanging at the ymca while I work if needed.

The YMCA has a policy for anyone to be hired they first have an open door group interview and they have a date next week. So my plan is to fill out the application and make sure I turn it in before the date and go to the group interview and go from there.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Update on me

I am doing much better since Izzy went home. I am not sitting wondering if I am going to see her or not. I just know I am not going to see her cause she is far away.. So while it's sad to admit but her being here but not giving me much is really hard on me. I never did hear anything about the birthday card I sent but I didn't really expect too. It's the first year I didn't do a gift. I couldn't afford it and if I could manage a few bucks it would have been easier to hand it to her than mail it.. Plus I find more enjoyment in gift giving in that way.

That Sunday that she went home.. I had a birthday party to go to for my friend's daughter's 15th birthday. It's a big birthday in the Mexican culture so it was a big deal. They kept it simple for the most part because they had already had the big celebration in Mexico. I had a major diet slip up that day. I ate way too much cake that I care to admit.

What I didn't realize until after the fact is that the day of the party was the 23rd anniversery of the day the TPR's was signed. So I wonder if over eating had anything to do with that even though I wasn't aware of that date.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Special needs adults and babies

My heart has been breaking for my once neice who had a baby and it's possible it's my brothers baby but we won't know right away. A test has been ordered. DCFS got involved and said Mom can't be alone with the baby and Mom needed to get on her medication and take classes.. The baby put into protective care with his grandmother (k's mom) I believe during the mandotory counseling K ran her mouth twice that just made keeping this baby with family tough..

First, she said how her Mom's husband raped her. So they pulled the baby out of their care and then grandma starts staying with her Mother so the baby can stay with her.

K then talks more about some serious child abuse that most likely happened cause Mom sent her off with a truck driver.. I am sure K was sexually abused by this man when she was young. It was looked into and enough cause to say K couldn't go with him but no charges were brought.

So in light of this information being brought up the baby has been removed from the whole family. Don't know what's going to happen.

K does have a mental condition and really does need family support as she learns how to be a parent but her parents are bad and most likely the person who would be doing most of the child raising is the baby's great grandmother who is in her mid 60's.. This grandmother can't get custody cause she is too old and I also don't believe she is a good fit to "help" K become a good Mom.. She was just do everything for the baby and will create another Mom like her daughter.

K was raised by her grandmother. I know my brother wants the baby if it is his child.. but the thing is my brother has MS and relys on a walker to get around and also doesn't have the set up for a baby. One of dcfs requirements is wanting the baby to have it's own room.. Is that really an requirement for a brand new baby?

K's mother is pissed at her for running her mouth.. I honestly believed this information would have came to light even if she didn't bring it up.

My sister did a little research and it appears that handicapped people especially with mental conditions often times lose their children. So sad.

I feel K needs like a foster home herself where her and her baby can stay with someone who will offer advice and help but let K learn to be a Mom in a safe enviroment. If only something like that exsisted to prevent this baby being seperated from his Mom.. At least give her a chance.

Right now the baby is in foster care. Both K and my brother have been appointed lawyers since neither of them have money for one.

I realy hope that this isn't my brother's child. It's going to be an uphill battle to get this baby either with his Mother or Father.