Monday, March 30, 2009

Is your glass half full or half empty?

For some reason lately my glass is half empty. I have had a great vacation away from work,but I admit that I have been a bitch, because my husband out of my ten days off from work only worked three days.
My glass is half empty for several reasons.
  • Someone hit our new van and ran. My husband avoided the head on crash and they hit the side. I should be all happy that it was just minor damaged instead I am angry that they ran and there is no reason to call insurance company, because of the deductible. Instead I am angry that we can't seem to have anything nice without it being destroyed by someone.
  • Today I go to the YMCA and walk on the track and so looking forward to soaking in the hot tub and I forgot my towel. I should be happy that I managed to pay the Y for another month instead I am upset that I didn't get my soak.
  • I thought during my vacation that I had lost 5 to 10 lbs, because my scale said so. I wasn't trying to lose, but I think I have been more active and eating better and the Y's scale said I gained 5 lbs. Let's see what my client's scale says tomorrow
  • I have hair that gets good comments, but it bugs me that it feels funny. The lady who got it last said it felt fake.
  • I am happy that adoptive parents have told me that my story of being a birthmother has been helpful to them, but I am stuck on being upset, because I seen a blog where they were referring to the soon to be BirthMother has a BM. No women is a birthmother until she signs Tpr, but I don't get all worked up. however, calling them a BM is just plain rude. What is wrong with spelling Birthmother or BirthMom out. I would even take BMom but BM sounds like your calling her a shit.
  • I was really bugged with the weather on my vacation. We had rain and snow and just not too many warm days. I did get to walk my dog some, but I focus on the bad.
  • My husband can be a great guy, but I am too focused on that fact that he is barely working and has not supported our household in any way finanical in over a month. I don't want to give any guy a free ride, but kicking him out isn't the answer, because I work 24 hour shifts. When I think calmly I can see how he is so good with my kids that if I made more money I would be happy with him only working a few days a week.
  • I am upset that I might still have to cancel my membership with the Y. I should be okay with it, because I have two some equipment in the basement and I saved 20 a month by taking my husband off the membership. He never went anyways.
I am not always like this. Most the the time I can find the humor in anything. We spent a lot of time with furnace problems and spent many nights this past winter kind of cold. I have said several times it was okay, because we had a low gas bill. Or my husband's butt got really firm by going up and down the stairs fooling with it. We did end up getting a brand new furnace all the same one time 55.00 fee that we pay when something that is covered on our warranty on our house fails.

What about you guys. Is your glass half full or half empty?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dear Izzy

Someone that reads my blog suggested that I use this blog as a way to write letters to you. I think it's a good idea. So, I will start with I know your name isn't Izzy, but to share my story and not give out your name this is what I decided on.
Izzy is the name of a teddy bear that I gave my first husband. I hope you don't mind it's the name that I would have liked to name my oldest son had he been a girl.
I have been on vacation from work. I have loved it. I have got to spend some extra time with my boys. Finally this week, I can tell you that not only does my older son know about you, but so does my younger son. I am going to call my older son Alex and my younger son Steve on this blog.
Alex has known about you for a couple years now. It's not something that we have really discussed much, except for within the last six months or so. I am happy that discussing you doesn't have to be treated like a dark secret, but it's hard. I asked Will to make a page for your scrap book. I found some artwork of Steve's and asked if I could use it for the book and he said yes. So today I got the book out to add the artwork and Alex asked to see the book. I will be honest I am not comfortable sharing the book with anyone, but I did it. He was the first person to ever really flip through the pages. I think my husband was a little shocked and I just wanted to rip the book back. I am not at a point where I feel I can totally expose all my thoughts and feelings to him. Some of the notes I feel are for your eyes and not his.
I also had a discussion with Steve about you. It only lasted about five minutes. I was told that he brought you up before. I am guessing someone told him about you or he overheard someone talking. Steve didn't have too much to say. I am not sure he understands that while you are a sister to him, but you haven't been raised around him. The last thing he said was that he wants a kid sister. I know that you can't be a kid sister, but I really hope someday you can be a big sister to him. Well actually to both my boys. I am missing you a little extra tonight. I hope your safe in your bed. I love you babygirl.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I have two blogs. I made it under different profiles, because I had a reason to believe my family had access to the adoption related one. So I shut it down and created this one. One of my reasons for shutting it down was so that I wouldn't be tempted to strike out in anger in what I say.
However, once in a great while I still do that. This past week I have said somethings that I would never really say on here. I would really reword my thoughts. I can't say for sure why once in a while I feel like being brutally mean to my Mom. I guess I just have some much anger in me that I want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt any of you. I try to only sign under this log on, but sometimes I screw up. So if anyone has seen my other blog and been upset. Then I am deeply sorry.
I openly talk on my other blog about the scrap book I am making for my daughter. In person I just say my scrap book. They all know I am making it. I guess what I am wishing is for them to make the second step and say hey I know your hurting. Can I see this book? Is there anything I can do to help make it? My little sister has helped some because she has gotten two different sets of pictures for me that would have been hard on my own. I guess I just want to hear I did it, because I know it's important to you.
So if you read the other blog and feel hurt. I am sorry. If you haven't read it maybe it's best if you don't. I do believe adoption needs to change it's ways some, but I am not totally against it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A couple weeks ago, I found some floppy discs in my basement. My computer doesn't have a floppy disc drive, but my sister's does. She was able to get pictures off the discs. Most of them that I found were lost to me. So, I have something that makes me happy. The pictures will be a really nice addition to Izzy's scrap book.
Today we were at the Ymca and the local clinic who is a non for profit is accepting baby donations to give to new Moms. I don't have a lot to donate, but my son and I will spend a few dollars and bring it by the deadline. Enjoy a few of the pictures. Kids grow too fast.

just venting

I am on my second marriage. I love my new husband. Right now it's just the two of us and my nine year old son. My older son wanted to live with his Dad and after lots of him telling me it would be better and my ex telling me that it would be better that I let him go. I see my son every other weekend plus here and there. But that's not the point of this post.
I am just furious with my husband. When we first got together, I asked him not to work and I paid all the bills. I could afford this because I was renting a two bedroom apartment. They raised my rent, because after my ex moved they claimed I didn't make enough to have a lease. So, I got it in my head to buy a house.
I bought a house only with verifying my income. In June of 2006, we moved into a 2 bedroom ranch home. It's a house perfect for us. It's has total fencing and even a dog house built into the garage. I love it.
Shortly after we moved it became clear that I could no longer pay all the bills. I needed myy new husband to work. It's been a pure struggle since then. He will work for a little while and as soon as I think I can count on him for a little help they cut his hours. He is down to 3 days a week and pays nothing towards nothing. If he does give me any kind of money then he just swipes my debit card and takes it right back with spending. I fought and fought until I got the debit card of mine away from him yesterday. He has this habit of over drafting his own account. He pulls out money and the bank allows it. Then they charge him a fee. So basically for two checks in a row now he has nothing left. This is a cycle he is on.
I am not going to say I am innocent and don't sometimes spend. I maybe wrong, but I earn money. My major down falls is animals. I paid 300 over a year ago for a black lab. Then recently I used tax money to buy a 29 gallon tank. These two items are items that I had been wanting for a long time. I was holding off to I owned my own home.
Basically right now, I could not spend a extra dollar on anything and I am not going to make it much longer. I have been a major bitch to him. When I try to tell him to work more then he goes on about how he isn't going to take care of my son. He is great with my son. He is better than his own Dad when it comes to the attention and the teaching of every day stuff. I am basically hearing that I need to have a babysitter covered for anytime he might work. I work live in care for the elderly. There are four days a week that from 10 am until 8:30 am that I am home. I think I bring home pretty good paychecks, but it's not enough.
I am thinking of quitting my caregiver job and go work for a telephone company. My husband's daughter works there and she can probably help get me in. If I work the shift that she works it pays the most. That would 7 pm till 4 am. I would hate it. I don't know when I would sleep. However, I would be home for my son before school and after. We have had a hard time finding a babysitter, because they want him full time and we only need care twice a week. This is where I get upset. How hard is it to work around my hours. I am not asking for the world. If he would just contribute 100 a week that would probably make the difference between the boat sinking or floating. I know if I change jobs I am going to be upset. I have been taking care of the same couple full time for almost 2 years. I love them. My goal is to see them to the end. They are 98 years old. I find it sad that I can make more money working on the telephones. But I find it more sad that my husband isn't giving me much of a choice.
Am I wrong for wanting the best of both worlds for my kids? A place to call home and a great Dad? My biggest memory of before shit fell apart in my childhood is when my parents lost the house. I don't want my children to move from one house to another. I want better?
Right now I have 25.00 in my pocket and we have a bet that I can't support my son and myself on it. It's only two days till payday so I am not worried. I will not rip off a bank to have extra cash. My husband on the other hand has 70.00 in his pocket, because he ripped off the bank. I am not sure why we have this bet but that's what he wanted.
Maybe I am taking out some of my anger out on him, because Izzy's parents haven't wrote me back? Maybe I am just tired of being walked on? All I know is that I am pissed. We just bought a new car used car, because his broke down. He needs it for his job. Right now I am wishing I just kept him unemployed, because I have gained a extra 300 in payments, but I don't see hardly anything from his job.
There is a big part of me that wants my life on the right track for Izzy. Of course I want my boys to see that I am doing well. But when Izzy meets me I don't want her thinking.. good thing she gave me away.. They are living without gas or always broke. Or good thing because they live in a cheap motel room.
Last night, I was trying to relax and work on Izzy's scrapbook. It bugs me that I am low on supplies. Yes I can still work on it, but I don't have the protective sheets for the book anymore. I love making the book and being able to flip through the pages. It makes me angry I work very hard and I am having to watch my pennies.
To make matters even worse, I am on a unpaid vacation from work. I had planned a vacation in advance, because I really needed the time away from work. I feel that him not paying for hardly anything and expecting the world is showing so much disrespect that I am having a hard time really feeling the love.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a little talk with my son

A while back, I heard that my younger son told my husband that he had a sister and he didn't mean his step sister who is much older than him. He calls her his sister even though there is very little relationship. He does talk to her once in a while and loves to see her. That's as far as it goes. It bugs me that he refers to her as his sister, because it's not the relationship I had with my sisters. But I don't discourage him from calling her his sister.
So a little while ago, I took down Izzy's picture from when she was young and asked
Me: Do you know who this is?
Son: you
Me: no her name is Izzy
Son: huh?
Me: She is my baby. I had her when I was young and wasn't able to take care of her. She lives with another family. She is my daughter and kind of like your sister.
Son: You got pregnant when you were young? If I was a girl.. I could be pregnant now?
Me: No.. that's way too young.. I was 14 years old.
Son: So if brother was a girl he could be pregnant
Me: Yes but it takes a girl and a boy to have a baby.
Son: confused look on his face
Me: You haven't heard about Izzy before?
Son: No
Me: StepDad told me that you mentioned that you have a sister and you weren't talking about Penny. Didn't you say that?
Son: No
Me: So you never knew about Izzy? Brother or your Dad didn't tell you?
Son: No
Son: How old is she?
Me: 17 years old.. She will be 18 on her next birthday.
Son: When is her birthday?
Me: Sept 11
Son: Do you know where she lives?
Me: Yes in our state
Son: Can we go see her?
Me: No. The family is scared of me for some reason. We have to wait until Izzy is old enough to decide on her own
Son: I want a kid sister
Me: I am sorry but I can't have any more kids. I am going to put the picture away now ok?
Son. Okay.. goes back to watching cartoons

I don't know what to think about him saying that he didn't know. My husband made it sound like he already knew of Izzy, but tried to discourage him from talking about it. Did this conversation really happen? Was it a lie that my husband told me just to have one more thing to be mad at my first husband? Or did the discouraging him from talking about her make him forget. I told my older son I wasn't happy that my younger son found out. He said he didn't say anything. I didn't ask my first husband if he told. My fist husband is the one who told my older son, because I believe he wanted to hurt me.
Well I am happy that I finally got this out in the open. I don't want him to think that I kept secrets or Izzy to be upset, because they weren't told.
Yesterday we threw a birthday party for my son. He turned 9 years old last week. We planned a party at home and hoped the children could play outside, but it was raining. So, my husband arranged for a pizza party where he works. We took the juice, cake and ice cream with us. We let my 14 year old know that he would have to drink juice too. Being that I am a adult I will order soda. My 14 year let us know before we left that he didn't think that was right. We told him that he is a kid and we can't let him order soda and the rest get juice.
The waitress who knows my pattern of drinking lots of soda brings me a pitcher along with a glass. I thought my son was doing very well. He wasn't showing a attitude or anything. So, I took one of the little glasses we brought and poured him some soda. That was all he got. He didn't ask for it. I just gave it to him. It's my way of explaining that your more likely to get stuff if you don't act up. When my husband seen that he had a glass of soda he was mad. He didn't think it was right.
Was I wrong in giving my son the soda?
The day kind of started off on a bad start. We wanted him to stay Sunday night with us and he already had plans to stay at his Grandma's and then when I called to warn him that I wasn't going to rush him home he went on about how he had plans with his friends and was expecting to be home by 6 pm. My son thought since I was picking him up at 2 pm that the party started at 2 pm. I explained to him that it's rude to show up for a party or dinner especially at your families to just eat and run. My son's overall behaved pretty good.
Just for the record my older son lives with his Dad, because he thought the grass is greener on the other side. I basically think he thought Dad would be more fun, because he let him get away with a lot of stuff on the every other weekend visit.
One more question for you guys. Do you think it's right that I ask my son if he wants to come for a extra visit? I think as a 14 year he should sometimes be able to say no. I typically see my son more than the every other weekend, but still think the child should have some say in if he wants to come over or not. Divorce is never easy.
On the adoption front. When I drove past Izzy's house as I always do when I drop my son off at his Dad's nothing looks changed. Don't worry I don't hang out in the area. I go by at about 45 mph. It just that I look for a For Sale sign or signs that they are moving. I see none. I do see 2 and sometimes 3 different vehicles there. I wonder is Izzy driving now? She is old enough. I wonder did they just give her a car? Or did they make her work for it?
I gave my son a scrap book page to make something of his own to include in my book. I will be excited to see what he comes up with. Well as bugs bunny from my time would say. That's all folks!
P.S. I forgot to say that party was great!! It was perfect. We had a total of seven kids and three adults and we had a great time. We let the kids pig out on pizza, cake and ice cream. The total cost for the pizzas were only 12.00 because of my husbands discount.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

A few months ago, my new husband told me that my second son mentioned that he had a sister and he wasn't talking about his step sister. I have to say Thank you to my older son or ex husband for telling him. I haven't had it in me to discuss the issue myself. I told myself that I would send the second letter and see if they wrote back. I feel like if I am going to talk to my son this is the time to do it, because I am on vacation. However, I am not quite sure I want to actually do it. It's not because I am ashamed of Izzy, but the fact that I don't have a lot to offer. I don't know how to explain adoption to a 9 year old. My best example is how we adopt bunnies, because they need homes. Or, a long time ago, I had to give away a dog, because it was either the dog or the place to live. Even with that situation the people who took the dog gave us their number so we could visit. We visited once to see how she was doing and didn't call back. We just basically wanted to make sure she was okay. So, I don't know how to explain to a nine year how the child goes away and then you never hear from them again.
I had Izzy's picture down a while back and he wanted to take a picture of the both of us. I let him do it, but then later I really got to thinking. Does he think that there is a baby sister out there?
Maybe I will just start with asking him does he know who the girl is and go from there. Well maybe after tomorrow. We are throwing him a late pizza party for his birthday. Well enough for now.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hey all!! I am vacation from work. I do live in care for two very old people. I am so excited having this time to be away from my second home. I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my blog and for the comments. Sometimes, all I need is to not feel so darn alone with this adoption stuff. I have taken some time to really think about what everyone said and really do appreciate the honesty.
More on my story. It may seem like all my anger is towards the adoptive parents of my girl, but it's not. I am upset with my self. I am the one who seen a cute guy and fell for him and had sex. I am the one who chose not to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I thought I was saving her from abortion my Mom would have pushed. Why I didn't say anything after the abortion time was gone? I don't know. I don't know as a 14 year old I knew what the time line was. I was afraid. That's my only excuse. So I am mad at me! I am also upset with my Mom. I believe she couldn't risk me moving away raising my daughter, because she wouldn't have had a babysitter then. My Mom knows how I feel, because I posted true honest feelings on my everyday blog. My husband called her up asking questions a while back and she admits no wrong. She makes it sound as if it's okay, because she went to a good home.Boy did that piss me off. I want to know how she knows she went to a good home? My relationship with my Mom consist of only seeing her when we run into each other. She has never called me or asks for anything more. I used to try, but I don't anymore. I guess I could express my feelings to her more, but that's not going to change the past.
When the adoption took place there was never any words spoken of a closed adoption or a open adoption. I didn't learn those terms until I joined a birthmothers group about 6 months after Izzy was born. I wasn't able to get past my grief to join in on discussing how other women get pictures, letters and visits. I just couldn't go to those groups.
I don't believe the adoptive parents could really think that I had the right counseling to deal with adoption. They learned of a baby was coming that wasn't planned for and they had her in their arms in less than 48 hours. I believe all they wanted was a baby and they didn't care how they did it. I remember that pictures was promised to me. I received one before the adoption was final. Then the last one came on the sly. The picture was meant for my aunt and not me. The sad part about adoption is that you can promise something and not do it and yes it is legal. They didn't break any laws. However, is it moral. I am CPR certified, but if I see someone I don't like passed out. All I have to do is dial 911. but is it moral? I have the skills that maybe I can make the difference between life and death.
The biggest answer I have gotten on this post and others is the adoptive parents fear. I am not a adoptive parent therefore, I can't relate to you. I can only imagine how it might feel to have someone out there that loves your child just as much as you do. Here is my answer to the fears.
For the adoptive parents when you face that fear. Keep fighting don't let that fear win. I understand your fears are real. Just remember that your child birthparents have fear too. Can you imagine their fear when they handed you their child to raise. Adoption doesn't change the pact that it's their child. Legally not their child, but it's still their child. We have fears too. So adoptive parents need to dig deep and get through that fear, because without the birthparents swallowing their fear the child wouldn't be yours. I am probably preaching to the wrong people. Most that are reading understand what I am saying.
Mail come today and nothing. It's been two weeks since I sent it. So it's not looking good. I don't care what anyone says there is no excuse for not writing nothing back. Two simple words would be better than nothing. Go away.
To end this on a positive note. I don't just have anger towards Izzy's parents. I asked them to leave Izzy's name as I choose it. I was told they didn't rename her and I was able to confirm that when I found her in the yearbook. So it makes me very happy that they honored my request. For the record, Izzy isn't my daughter's name. It's the name of a teddy bear I gave my first husband. It's probably the name I would have given my baby if any of my other kids would have been girls. Izzy is short for Isabella

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I believe it's been a year since I got my mind stuck on my daughter. That was when I noticed their names in the phone book. After I seen their names, I had my husband ask my aunt if they would give us a picture. The answer of course came back no. That is what made me decide to write the letter and then the second letter.
My son's 9th birthday reminds me of the very last time that I personally asked my aunt to ask for pictures. If my memory is right, I had just had my son. So, we are talking about 2000 or 2001, so I asked and the answer that I was was this. "they said, we were thinking of moving back to the state, but if she is going to intervere then we won't" That was the last time that I personally asked.
So, I fast forward to the present. I know that Izzy started 7th grade in a school in the next city over. It's a hop and a jump from me. She has spent 7th through 10th at this same district, I was able to confirm that. I can tell my the year book pictures. I am assuming she is a 11th grader now and soon will finish the 11th grade. Next year, she will be a senior in high school. So, I know that out of my son's 9 years on this planet that they have been here for five years.
I wonder at what point did they move back? They moved away, because they didn't want accidental meetings. What I think they were really afraid of is that I would try and steal Izzy back. Now, I am not crazy about jail. (never been there) but more seriously I wouldn't do that to Izzy. So this is my question to them or adoptive parents if you want to give me your thoughts.
How do you go from so scared you run to another state to coming back and putting your names in the same phone book that your child's birth parent will get. Why would they put both their first and last names. This was Kathy White or Jeff White, This was Jeff and Kathy White. Of course, these are fake names. I mean if you are so scared wouldn't you just list one of your names. I would be so less sure of a Jeff White if the Mother's name wasn't there too. Or, do you think that a young girl is too stupid to remember your names?
Shouldn't they still be afraid that I will hunt Izzy down? If I was some nut I could watch outside their house and try to follow her, or I could visit all the local business in her area and try to find her that way. I have done none of that? I could spend every spare mintue I have trying to come face to face with her by hanging out on that side of town looking. However, I choose to spend my spare time with my family, friends and hanging out at home. I go to school. So why no answer to the second letter yet? Are they so stupid that by not answering they thinking they are still hiding from me. I did write them but guess what they are hiding for no reason, because I am not seeking them out. Or, at not in that way.
I guess you can tell that a lot of hurt and anger has surfaced. I just don't get them.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I am starting to get to the point that I am accepting that Izzy's parents are not going to write me. I know the three weeks are not up yet, but that's just where I am. I am numb. I am not feeling excitement at the mail box and not yet feeling more angry with them. I guess they have to live with their decisions and maybe someday Izzy will question her parents and ask "why couldn't you even send a letter telling her no" "Why did you just leave her hanging" Maybe Izzy will think they did no wrong. I don't know.

I am having all kinds of trouble at home. My husband who has grown children (works part time) But thinks his money just goes for what he needs or wants. He doesn't think he has to help pay the house payment or the household bills. Sometimes he buys the food for the night or the cat food, but I pay so much more. I do make more so I don't expect half and half, because he takes care of my son. However, I don't think it's right he expects me to pay everything. The bills are more than I make. He keeps saying that he raised his kids and that if I was single I would have to do it all my own. I understand his thinking. If I was single yes I would have to do it all on my own. But I am not single. I also don't understand on how if he was single he wouldn't have things to pay. Even if he only lived in a crappy little hotel room, he would still have to pay rent, probably still have a cell phone and would have to eat. He knew I had children and I didn't force him to marry me.

To make matters worse, it's my son's birthday. He is nine years old today. He lost his whole check to a overdraft option the bank gives him. So, I had to pay the van payment, the insurance for both cars, the electric bill, the cable bill all in one week. I barely was able to do anything for my son. I did manage to take cupcakes and juice to his school. I can't give him a party or a gift, because I am just flat broke.
On top of all this, he gives me a hard time on what my son's Dad didn't do for his birthday. His Dad took him to dinner three days early and give him a kid bible and a movie, but according to my husband he didn't do nothing for him.

My son doesn't quite understand us celebrating his birthday a week late. I am so frustrated with my husband. My son is such a sweet boy. He had a choice to pick one friend and go to Chucky Cheese for Pizza, soda and games and that would have been only about 30.00 for the night. Or, he could have a pizza party with all his friends in the neighborhood and he chose all his friends. I am so proud of him, but that costs more money. So we are throwing a pizza party next week. He had the cupcakes at school and I am making him a cake now so it's not as if I have done nothing. I just don't feel that it's enough. I feel like my ex husband did just as well as I did if not better. I am not competing with him. It just really bugs me, because it doesn't matter what his Dad does for him. He will never say it's enough. I could do the exact same thing for my older son and my new guy doesn't comment on how I am a bad parent, but let my ex do the exact thing and he yells that he is a bad parent.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

still waiting

I have not received any mail from my daughter's parents yet. At this point, I can say at least they didn't mark return to sender. They have probably only had the letter for a week now. So, I am going to give it a couple more weeks and see what happens. I think if I don't get a response this time, I am just going to have to accept my losses. I have kind of thought of after a month or so of no letter from them that maybe I would write them again offering up my time to meet with them. When I seen my counseler, she wasn't trying to defend them, but get me to see where they are coming from. She said really you are a stranger to them. They don't know you so they are scared. Yes, besides the three meetings, which one was a accident, I am a stranger. But HELLO they are raising my girl that I took care of for 9 months. I didn't abort her or chose to throw her in the trash as some crazy people have done. In no way did I ever consider to do these things. I guess my point is that if I made the right choices then and I haven't crossed any lines since I wrote the first letter why can't they just trust me. So that is where I thought of one more letter offering up my time to meet with them. So they can see I am a real person and not some crazy person. I trusted them. I used my home address instead of my p.o. box. I hope they don't come and steal my sons. How crazy does that sound. I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IZZY BY THE WRIST AND SAY YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. HERE IS THIS COMPUTER CHIP. I AM YOUR MOTHER NOW, FORGET YOUR PAST. HOW CRAZY DOES THAT SOUND? I AM NOT CRAZY.
However, I don't think I will contact them again. I know I said that once, but I don't know whats going through their minds. I am scared. I have mentioned before that the aparents live very close to my ex husband. At least a couple times a month, I go past their house to drop off kids. I get so scared. What if there is a For Sale sign, what if things look different, like they are preparing for a move or are getting the house ready to sell.
Sure I could go a different way, but the last time my new husband decided to drive he drove us right past two major spots that send me into a panic. The school that I spent many months just trying to survive after my daughter and the hotel I spent many months living with my Mom. I think driving by those places do more harm than driving by my daughter's parents house.
At this point, I wonder would stamp on my own letter saying return to sender be actully better than no response at all. Then, I would no they received the letter and not even open to reading that I had to say. I am trying so hard not to have tons of anger for Izzy's parents, but it's not working.
To top it off, my husband is a total jerk sometimes. He is great with the kids, but he barely contributes nothing to the household when it comes to paying the bills. He only works part time, because he takes care of my son, but I can't keep the boat from sinking too much longer without help.

Friday, March 13, 2009

scrap book 101

If you are looking for a new hobby. Scrap booking is so much fun. Especially if you have kids. You can buy a kit that will help you get started. Although, before you buy the kit, really decide on how big you want the papers to be. My kit came with 8 inches by 11 inches papers. I have used them all up and need to buy more paper to keep working on my scrap book. Here is my down fall. You can buy packs of paper in the 12by12 or the 8by8 and it's probably cheaper this way. However, at the store I go to they only carry my size by paying them in single pages. There isn't as much variety compared to the other sizes. I am too far into the book to change now, but had I known I would have gone with the 12by12 book. I just thought I would pass on some friendly advice. Anyone have any tips on scrap booking.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I can't believe how fast the time is flying. It seems that Izzy's birthday just passed. However, it's only 6 months away. She is six months from being 18 years of age. In six months, she can decide for herself on who she wants to marry or what job to take or what school to attend. But according to the adoption laws it's her parents choice if she knows how to contact me or not.

I have spent a lot of time wondering about what will come of me sending the adoptive parents the letter. Since I work live in care for the elderly, I am not able to run to the mail box every day. When I came home this morning, I checked the mail and nothing. Nothing at this point is actually good. I decided to walk my dog, even though it's cold. Also to just lye around on the couch watching lifetime instead of watching the mailbox. I figure if my letter isn't in there today, then for sure they didn't write return to sender.

I am so nervous and scared. I want some kind of contact so bad. I want to be able to see what Izzy looks like, without feeling like I had to sneak around to do it. By that I mean the yearbook pictures. Sure, it's not a crime to photocopy pictures from a yearbook, but thats not how I want to say here look at how pretty she is. I want to know that she is safe and happy. Another part of me just wants them to say hello... we remember where our daughter came from. I want some trust. I trusted them to raise my daughter. I want them to trust that I won't come to the door and grab her by the hand and bring her home. I want them to trust that I am not going to seek her out with the picture and follow her. If I thought of me and only me.. I would get a lawn chair and sit on the sidewalk to I can see what she looks like. Since I think of Izzy and my family I won't be doing that.

The mail just came as I was writing this post. I ran to check and nothing, but junk mail. Besides the For Sale sign, my biggest fear is that they will do nothing again. I really really hope they surprise me. It will be Friday before I can check the mail again. It's a good thing my husband doesn't check it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

scrap book

My husband came up with the idea of covering my scrap book to personalize it for Izzy. I thought it was a great idea, but my question to myself is how do you personalize something for someone that you don't know. The idea of my book is to tell Izzy about my life and what is important to me. So when I was telling my counselor how I loved his idea, but I didn't know how to personalize what Izzy wants. So, she said, that if I try to make it what Izzy would like, then I am am not sticking to what I am saying the book is about. I finally got it. I can decorate the book to my liking, because the book is a story about me.
I love making the book. Right now it's has 15 sheets of protective film that each holds two papers. So it's 30 pages of pictures and stuff for Izzy to see. The binder is wide enough to probably do another 60 pages. I wished I would have had this idea much sooner, but better late than never.
The book has been fun. However, sometimes I become really sad. I found some pictures o of my niece holding my older son. She is one month older than Izzy. They should have grown up together. I should have shots of two little girls hanging out together. But I don't that isn't the road I took. My sister chose to run away and keep her daughter and I chose to be told what to do. Oh well what can I do now. Time for work.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It's only been a few days since I mailed the letter. The waiting is very hard. I know the mail system enough to say that they received it Saturday or today. I wonder what they are thinking? Are they shocked that I wrote again? Do they feel like selling the house and running away? Are they scared? If they could read this, I would tell them that I don't plan on taking Izzy by the hand and bringing her to my home. You are her parents, but please remember how Izzy came to be your daughter. I am not asking for the world,but only a small part of your world. I know the official wait time really starts now. What time frame should I operate my mind on? I am thinking if they stamp return to sender, I will get the letter back in a few days. If it doesn't come back. I can figure they brought it in to read it or throw it away. So if it doesn't come back to me what time frame would most people say to give up.. they didn't write back. It took me a week and half to decide, write, rewrite and include pictures and mail it. So if I double that time. I am guessing that if I don't get anything within three weeks then they won't write. Do they really have that in them to ignore me, even after I said please respond back? If they can do that then what kind of people are they? I even said, I would accept a rejection letter much better than no answer at all.
I went to a new counselor today, because the other one was laid off. I was suppose to go last week, but had my days mixed up. I thought it would be weird starting over, but she had enough notes and made me feel welcome.
We talked for about two hours. She was real supportive of me sending the letter and understands how I need the answer so I know where I stand.
We talked a lot of about my son and his requests for wanting to see what Izzy looks like. She said I should trust my gut that it's not a good idea for him to walk around with a image of Izzy. That we don't know what Izzy knows or how she feels. That we need to protect Izzy's identity and her feelings. She says that I can validate my son's feeling and tell him that I am happy that he cares but at this point, it's better he not know for sure what she looks like. She said that teenagers aren't mature enough to always see the connection. She thinks if he sees someone that looks like me that if he is given the information first that he is more likely to come to see for advice before he acts.
We also talked a lot about my husband, my mom, my aunt and the rest of the family. She can see how a lot of people broke my trust and then forced me to live a life of lies. Now she can see that I am still living the life of lies by habit. I don't know anything else.
Well this is getting long and not sure if I make any sense. It's a good thing I am on Spring break from college and also pretty soon I am taking a vacation from work.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Yesterday at work, (My clients home) I put the letter with the pictures in their mail box. It sat there for about 30 minutes, before the mailman came for the mail. I admit that part of me felt like taking it back. Sending off that letter gave me a real uneasy feeling. If I know the mail system the letter will get to them tomorrow. I am real nervous. Will they be jerks and ignore the letter even after I ask for a reply letter? I didn't plan it this way, but will Izzy bring the letter in on Saturday morning. Will she be able to give her 2 cents on what to do. It's going to be a long week or two.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

This week it has been six months since I sent Izzy's parents the first letter with one photo of me. Today I am sending another letter, but it's much shorter and I am trying to appeal to them concerning my boys. I am hoping that with the pictures they can see that they are real people and not have the heart to deny them. I am including about 5 or 6 pictures that share what the three of us look like.
I feel guilty that I do not plan to tell my husband. I will probably tell him after the fact if it's a good response. If I am ignored again then I will just keep quiet.
I have been nervous, because I am opening myself up for more hurt. I have to accept the fact that when the letter goes in the mail today that I might be hurt again. On the other hand, if I don't send it, I will always wonder. If they can get a letter asking for a reply no matter what they have to say, and still ignore me. I will be worried about Izzy. I will wonder what kind of people are raising her. If they have any heart at all.. they have to write back something. My biggest fear this time isn't going to be rejection, because they already did that. It's going to be a For Sale sign in front of their house. The is the last thing I want. Izzy should be finishing 11th grade in June. So all she has left is her Senior year. May they not be so scared and insecure of me that they up root her for her last year in school. From the year book pictures, she has spent her junior years in one school and her high school years in another. Izzy had that much better than me. I moved around a lot. So lets up they think of her and only her before the For Sale sign goes up. Some people might as why am I not happy with the year book pictures. Well for one I am glad that I have them, but it's not something I am proud of to show off. Well time to get ready for work.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

egg baby

I had a memory surface to the core this morning. I was a ninth grader. I returned to school trying to get through that first year without Izzy. I was in heatlh class. I can't remember first or second semester. I remember it being hot, but that could be the beginning of the school year or the end. We all got the sex education. We had to pair up with students of the oppisite sex and pretend we had a child. Our children were eggs that had the stuff blown out of them. We had to decorate them. I had to carry around a egg for a week and my pretend husband had to carry it the next week. I don't know why this surfaced up in my dreams, but it did. I don't remember if it caused me stress pretending this egg was my baby or not. I think I was more stressed that I had to pretend to be married. I guess my overall point of this story was that it was a little too late to be teaching me sex ed. I learned the hard way! I really don't think carrying around eggs is a good tool to prevent people from having babies. Maybe make a young girl babysit about four kids at once might work better.
Well that's my two cents for the day.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Where I am with the letter writing

I have written the letter. It's only about a page and half long compared to the first letter, which was four pages long. I believe my English classes helped me get my thoughts out, but kept it shorter.
I have a few pictures picked out that I plan on sending. I just have to print them. The first picture is of my and my younger son. It's a pretty good picture of us and it shows off my little son's bank that was painted by his Dad. It shows that we are into being creative. The second picture, is my oldest son posing with two of our cats. This tells them we are into cats. Another picture is of my little son, holding one of our bunnies in front of the tree. It shows that we are into pet rabbits. Not many people are. There is one picture of the boys in front of a small airplane and another one of them in front of hanger of a airport. It shows that they are into airplanes. The last one is of my oldest son in front of the Christmas tree. I am hoping the pictures show Izzy's parents that you can share general bits of information without being specific. None of the pictures our telling them where the kids go to school, or where I work, or where we hang out. It's just a example of how I can share a little bit information without getting too specific. So I am hoping that they can see that I am not asking for much. I don't want to know the spots that I could find her. I would rather not be tempted.
My plan is to print the pictures Wednesday and get it sent out on Thursday. I am not telling my husband and I know that is wrong. Although, I just have to do what I feel is right. I can't let him control me, and I don't want to listen to his speech for the next week or so. Also, if I don't hear anything from them. I won't hear I told you so.
Wednesday, I am meeting with a new counselor at the adoption agency. The other one, I was seeing was laid off. So I suppose I will see what she thinks about sending the letter, but I don't think it will change my mind. Well enough for now.