Monday, August 31, 2009

The book that I mentioned in my previous post was The Adoption Reader It's Birth Mothers, Adoptive mothers and adopted Daughters tell their stories. It's edited by Susan Wadia-ells. I really think this was a good book to read.

Today, I heard back from Pastor K's wife. She said, she was deeply sorry for not returning my call. She said that Pastor K doesn't always check his voicemail on the cell phone daily. She gave me her cell phone number and the house phone. The truth is that I have had their house phone, because the church gave it to me and she once called me from it. I didnt trust enough that it was proper to call their house. I will most likely go see them on Wed. They have to get back to me. I am dreading Izzy's birthday so badly. I so badly want a nice celebration with the baloons, but not sure I can really rely on my husband to help me with that. I have tried to tell him of my wishes and he thinks it's crazy.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

no one gets it

Since I lost my live in client to the nursing home, I have had to adjust to new clients and hours at work. I was tired of the live-in's but boy was I spoiled. I am not talking about money. I was given love!! It was awesome. The love was returned and it was amazing. I am missing them so much.
So anyways, for the past three weeks, I have spent time with a lady with Alzheimer's. Her husband has been there too. This lady is a lot of work and spent most the three weeks wanting me to leave. It's very hard on the husband to see if wife go down hill. She doesn't always know who he is.
Today, between tending to her for a 14 hour shift, I was reading a book about Birthmothers. adoptive mothers, and adoptee daughters. After I read the book, I was asking myself.. Why do I subject myself to material that I can't help but think of my daughter and the adoption.
Then, the husband says, that no one understands what he is going through. I told him that he is right that no one gets it unless they have walked in your shoes. I said a lot of people have something that no one gets, because they can't possibly understand until they are in your shoes.
That was the answer to my question. I am interested in blogs and books, because I want to be around people who get me. Sometimes I want to talk to someone, but then say the hell with it, they won't understand me. Why even bother talking at all? So, I really do crave talking with other birthmom's but I am settling for the internet and books.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I don't quite know if I can get my thoughts out here right. But here it goes.
I have been going to church, because the counseling was from a Pastor at a church. I chose him,because he was free. I liked the idea of someone who didn't gain any money from providing me with services. Not that I don't think people shouldn't earn a living, but I felt like they could really put your interest ahead of money. So they counsel from their heart and not just to make a buck.
It made me feel good that if I needed someone to talk to that I could call.
Last week, I was so depressed and wanted to talk to his Pastor K's wife and my call wasn't returned. What makes it worse is that I said that I was having a bad week and just needed to talk. When I went to church tonight, I was hoping to see him or her. I almost feel like they have just decided that their work is done with me. They have made me feel so much better, but I admit a lot of their answers has been to pray or that God has the right plan for me. I admit that I feel a peace when I am with them and the church.

The church was involved in the news and it didn't look good. It had something to do with a business problem.It involved kids which made it worse. Nothing sick, but pretty much about money. I kind of thought why don't they solve their problems through prayers to God. Isn't that what I am being told is the answer to my stuff. I couldn't get the same vibe from Pastor B tonight. He was on the news over money. I noticed that so much about the service goes back to money. Why does money have to brought up so much. Which makes me want to know if the church would still preach the love of God if no one gave to the collection. Just for clarification. Pastor K isn't the one in the news.

So, tonight I couldn't find the peace. It just wasn't there. Then someone how the pastor who did most of the speaking tonight. (who was boring me for a while) (not the one in the news) said something that just made tears come to my eyes. He was talking about Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tears came to my eyes.. that was the same bible verse that Pastor K and his wife suggested that I keep and read over and over. So, maybe for someone reason they haven't contacted me, but they are still making a impact on me.

This verse is somewhat similar to a song that I heard and I wrote it down and been reading it over and over.
There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans he has made for me. I have to wait and see. He is not finished with me yet.

Both of those verses gives me some comfort, but I have to throw in the but. I just can't help it. Where was God all those years ago, when I didn't have parents watching out for me. Where was the plans for the teenage girl? If God can make plans for me why can't he heal my heart.

I guess I just have to trust Pastor K and his wife and maybe more importantly trust God. I have to trust that my husband's and my relationship will keep improving. Trust is easier said than done for a girl who has trust issues.

The pastor (there are several of them at this church) at the end of the service was talking about if you expect miracles then God will provide miracles in your life. Isn't this setting me up for more of a loss. So tonight if I believe that Izzy is going to call me then she will. Now, Izzy could call. I did give them the number, but the likely hood of that is really slim. So if I believe then she will call. Don't get me wrong. I would be beyond words just to hear her voice. To just hear her say. I am okay. I am being treated well. Don't worry so much about me. I am getting all teared up just thinking of such a conversation. Now if I take his suggestion and believe that this will happen and it doesn't then aren't I setting myself up for more of a heartbreak. I really don't need anymore heartbreaks in my life. I have has my fare share of them.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One of my issues that I addressed with the counselor at the adoption agency is how my family never speaks of my daughter or her adoption. It's been very hard. I don't need for her to be spoke of often, but it bugs me that she is never talked about.
She asked why don't I just speak up. I didn't have a answer for that. After some thinking I think I can answer.
1. When I blog about my daughter and adoption no one really takes my hints to talk to me.
2. It's been bred into me to stay quiet so it's just what I do.
3. Lastly, I have major trust issues. I don't trust that I won't make the mistake of spilling too much and revealing Izzy's full name to them. I just don't trust them. I don't want to share her with them.

Tonight, I have made one last attempt on my normal blog to see if I can get anyone to speak of my daughter. I have asked for anyone who is interested to make a scrap book page for her book for her 18th birthday. If no one does it, then I will need to accept the fact that I can't change others.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I thought I would do a recap of my daughter and her adoption.

I was 14 years old and almost sure that I was pregnant. My sister 1 1/2 years older than me told our Mom that she was pregnant. My tried to force an abortion. When that didn't work, she kicked my sister out.
That left me doing most of the childcare for my younger brother and sister. I was afraid to say that I too was pregnant. I didn't want an abortion.
So I just hid the pregnancy. It wasn't too hard, because my Mom was never home.
During the early morning of Sept 11 1991, I was feeling contractions. So, I had to tell her. I told her that I was pregnant and lied about how the baby was conceived. We had never talked about sex. I told her I was raped. Big mistake. My Mom suggested/forced an adoption on me.
I met an couple that my aunt knew that "couldn't" have kids. I wasn't educated on adoption at all. They seemed like the lesser of two evils, because I was told she would be kind of still in the family. i was told that I would get pictures and if my daughter ever wanted to meet me she could.

When the adoption was final they moved out of the state. I have only received two pictures. One before they moved and one that wasn't really for me. She must have been about three. When I asked my aunt to ask for pictures. they said no. I always felt like I was the evil one for asking.

Fast forward. About two years ago, I found their names in the phone book. Oct of last year, I wrote a letter and they ignored it. The end of march of this year, I wrote again asking for a reply and they ignored it too. I was able to find pictures of my daughter in the yearbooks at the liabary and have no question in my mind that the people I wrote are my daughter's parents. Seeing my daughter's face has helped me accept that she isn't a baby anymore and I just love seeing how cute she is. But it also makes me so sad, because how much distrust and disrespect of not even giving me so something as a picture.

My daughter lives about 1/2 mile away from my ex husband where my oldest son stays with his Dad. My son thought the grass was greener on the other side. My son has met the brother of my daughter. The brother was telling how he was a mistake or a accident and how his parents adopted his sister. It's the same girl. I am thrilled to death that she wasn't raised as a only child, but hurt that even with them going through a pregnancy and new baby that they didn't understand me a little more.

Izzy's birthday has been harder these last few years. The horrible events that happened on 9/11 our a constant reminder of my daughter and her birthday.

I really wanted to take a minute and Thank everyone who reads and comments on my blog. The support that I get has been wonderful. It doesn't take the place of having people in my world who get me, but it's something that I really enjoy having.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


When I go to counseling with Pastor K and his wife I feel peace, acceptance and just feeling of comfort. When I am at church during praise and worship for God I feel it again. Something just makes me feel so uplifted. Then I come home and I don't continue to feel the peace. It's nothing my husband or sons are doing or aren't doing. Sometimes, I feel as if there is this black cloud over me trying to keep me down.
I miss my past clients so bad. I have worked, but not as much as I am used to. My heart just isn't in it. I want to feel the awesomeness of my job, but it's not there.
I am overly sad again over Izzy. I want so bad to see a updated picture of her that I could put on the wall. I won't ask them again. However, the hurt and anger of not getting what I want is too much to bare. The lack of trust is just too much. I have to remind myself that it's not personal. I tried to draw her picture. Who was I kidding? I can't do it. I tried.
I am still upset over my brother's comment about how our Mom didn't have anything to do with the adoption. but I am more upset that all these people can't come to me if they have questions. It all seems to go back to the feeling that everyone wants me to live in silence and if Izzy was never born.
I am going to try and see if I can buy a copy of the yearbook was school starts. I guess that's the best I am going to get.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My brother tends to come over quite a bit uninvited. Its okay. We also ask him to babysit, because he doesn't have a job and could use the few bucks we give him to do it. I love my brother, but he really said something to my husband that upset me. It's been depressing me every since I heard it. One, my brother has never spoke of adoption or Izzy to me. My husband can't tell me how the discussion started. He did say that he spoke up for me. Basically what was said that our Mom didn't have anything to do with the adoption of my daughter. She was innocent in it all. I don't expect him to fully get it. What I do expect of him is to remember that he was what only about 7 or 8 years old when she was born.

Yesterday, I went to counseling at the adoption agency and she really played the devil's advocate in the picture. She was trying to remind me that people are going to talk and that there isn't much that I can do. She asked what did I want to come out of seeing her? I said I want come to a point in my life when I have peace.

With what happened with my brother, I went into a protection mode. I told my husband that I want a lock on the closet door to protect the scrapbook. The counselor at the agency thinks that my grief is causing me to twist things around. She agrees that I am better compared to march, but really is concerned that my thoughts are on Izzy to much. From listening to me, she thinks that instead of looking at the good that I always look towards the bad. I agree with her. I am not quite sure how to fix it.

There is also a very small chance that my brother, because he uses our computer has been able to read this blog. I am not sure if he has or not or if it's just another way of my weird thinking. I really don't have anything to hide from him or my family, but I am not spilling my guts to them.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dear Izzy

Sometimes, life seems so unfair. It's been so long since I held you in my arms. I miss you so terribly that it really hurts. I can't say that if given a chance again that I would do the same. I think if given the chance, I would fight harder to raise you. However, that doesn't mean that I think you have had a rough life. You might have had the best upbringing. It's just that living without you as been very hard on me. There hasn't been a day in all these years that I don't think of you. I wonder if your safe and happy. I wonder if you have a good relationship with your family. I imagine that you are a Daddy's girl. I hope your parents have been the best. I hope they have always let you know how important you are. Also, how beautiful you are inside and out. How special you are to them.

I really wish that I was given the chance to see you through the years in pictures. The best that I have been able to do is find your pictures in the yearbooks at the library. I hope you don't find that strange. I am thrilled to look at the picture and see how beautiful you are. I have decided that I am going to try to draw you. I know I am not an artist, but I am going to give it a try.

Izzy, I have been going for counseling at a local adoption agency and also getting support from a Pastor and his wife in counseling at the church. It has done wonders for me. It's a starting point for me to have some peace in my life. I admit that I am afraid of letting go. All I know is to have sadness around my thoughts about you. I am afraid if I don't have my sadness around you then I don't have you at all.

I will have to do a lot of work on myself. I have to learn to accept the things in my life that I can't change. I have to learn to be stronger and learn to experience more of the good in my life. I love you deeply baby girl. Sweet dreams.

Friday, August 14, 2009


I was in the neighborhood of the liabary that gets the year books from Izzy's school. So, I decided to stop to see if they have the newest yearbook. I wasn't really expecting it to be in yet, because last time they didn't have it until about Oct.
I was shocked to see that they did have the new book. So I was able to see a new picture of Izzy. Well if you call almost a year old new, but ya'll know what I mean. It was her 11th grade picture. She is so cute!!! I just love to stare at her blue eyes. I never really noticed the color before for some reason. Her appearance changes from year to year. I suppose my son's appearances change from year to year, but I see them so I don't notice the changes. I just got to say that with each picture she grows cuter. I was able to photocopy the picture, but like always it just doesn't come out very good.
Which makes me ask the question.Why is it really such a big deal for Izzy's parents to send a picture my way? I am 100% sure that if I spoted Izzy I would know it's her.Will I go and watch for her at school or home or work? Nope!!! I wouldn't cross that line.Would I like to? Yep, but I know what's right and wrong. If I seen Izzy say at Walmart would I have a hard time turning my head?I admit yes? However, if I see her am I going to take her back? No way!! Is it possible to steal a almost grown kid anyways? Well I suppose if all I wanted was the pleasure of seeing her once and then going to jail maybe. I am no longer angry at them for their actions of ignoring me, but still sad that I couldn't be trusted.
Overall, I am just happy that I can see what she looks like. I wish I could own the yearbooks so I can look at Izzy in color and see her beautiful eyes anytime I wanted to.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


When I went to the church last weekend with the Pastor K and his wife the message from the Pastor giving the service was Forgiveness. To not live in anger and bitterness and that it does no one any good. I had counseling with Pastor K and his wife and we mostly talked about Forgiveness. I have a hard time letting go. I was questioning how do you forgive someone if they haven't asked for it. They said that forgiving isn't so much about them coming to you and asking for forgiveness. It's more about letting it all go and not living in my prison.
I kind of shocked Pastor K for me trying/wanting to deal with the issues with my Mom. He believes a lot of people and done me wrong and forgiving is going to be very hard. I have found so much peace in going and speaking to them and being around the church and all the other people.
I am going to really try and tackle forgiveness for my Mom. If I can do that then I can do anything. I explained to them that I had thought I had forgiven her, but I later found out that I haven't. I did talk some about how my Mom treats me. How she never calls or makes any kind of effort to see me anymore. How when I see her she gives me the brush off. I explained how I made the decision to not make any effort to see or talk to my Mom, but I haven't really stuck totally to it. I tried to call her on Christmas, Mother's Day and when I see her I try to be friendly, but I feel nothing coming back from her but coldness. They said it's okay to put me first. I don't have to include her in my life if I can't do it.
It has really helped to get the support of others in my life right now. It makes me feel good to know that I have someone who will help me and also someone telling me that everything is going to be okay. I have to trust in God and Pastor K and his wife that everything will be okay. I will know my daughter someday!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

one more month

Izzy's birthday is only one month away. I think I have decided against inviting my family to come watch the balloons float away in the air. I don't think I would be able to keep it cool around my Mom if she dared to show. So, I might instead post for anyone who is interested to make a scrapbook page for me to add to her book. It might be easier than trying to force everyone to celebrate with me.
Overall, I am doing better. I still get really upset inside when my husband says things that hurt. I still want to hear his support in a reunion someday. I don't want to worry that he might hide a letter or a phone call.

Work has been crazy. The couple I take care of has been going through some changes. She spent a week in the hospital and no in the rehab department of a the nursing home. I just learned today that it would be my last day with them. He is moving into the rehab department to be with her and will most likely stay in the nursing home. This is mostly about money. I just feel so bad. I know they will not get the same amount of love and attention as they did with 24 hour care at home. I had to tell them goodbye. I am a rule breaker. I will see them again even though I am not suppose to.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dear Izzy

My very first job was at McDonald's. It was all fun and games until I had my first son. I remember the reason that I wanted to work before I finished high school was, because I was tired of babysitting my brother and sister. I was very good at saving money. I loved seeing my bank account grow. I didn't spend much, but when I moved out, I soon learned how fast my bank account went away.
My current job is a caregiver. I have been working as one for almost three years. I provide in-home care for the elderly. I made the best income providing live- in care for a very old couple. They were 96 years when I first met them and now they are 98 years old. We are no longer allowed to provide live-in care, because of their high needs. It's no longer safe for us to sleep while they sleep. Sandy just spent a week in the hospital over a infection and some blood pressure issues. Then, she was moved to a rehab center to get stronger. It doesn't look like my clients will be staying in their own home. My hours are down now and I have to start figuring what my next step is going to be. I am not sure if I can make it on the income I can bring in now. I am not sure I can be happy with myself if I don't have a rewarding job. I know life isn't all about money so I don't know to either trust my company or go running for another job.
I wonder do you work part time? I think working gives teenagers a better understanding how to work for money and then how fast it goes away.
I hope your safe and sound in your bed dreaming sweet dreams. I love you very much!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

My husband was going through the pictures in the camera and came across the picture of the page of Izzy. He had two things to say about it.
1. The book is about me and not about her. So he don't think she should be in the book. Hello!! Isn't my daughter part of me. Does he not realize that even though the book is about me it's a book for her.
2. He thinks that Izzy might find it odd that I have the pictures of her even though I don't know her. Like she might be freaked out. I found the pictures in the yearbook. I didn't camp outside her house and school and snap pictures. Now maybe that would be creepy. So my question is if you all were in Izzy's place would you find the fact that I have pictures of her weird?

I met the Pastor and his wife and sat with some of their family members at a different church and was with them during the service. It was a very moving time for me. I felt like the Pastor was talking to me about bitterness and anger and stuff. I agree with him that being biter don't help anyone, but how do you let go of the hurt and anger of losing a child? Right now, my Mom actually makes me feel ill. I am not sure if it's because she made me place my daughter for adoption or that she just plain ignores me. I will probably meet up with him and his wife for counseling again. Part of me feels selfish, because I am putting my needs before the marriage counseling. However, my husband and I are still getting along much better than before.

Friday, August 7, 2009

scrap book pictures

I have taken some pictures of the scrap book pages. It's not the best camera, but it will do. Making the scrap book has been just wonderful. Sometimes the reason, I am making it makes me sad, but mostly I get a deep satisfaction from creating it. I can imagine the day I give it to Izzy. I almost am not going to want to give it up, but for her I will. The pictures of the girl is Izzy. Out of the five girl shot she is the tallest one in the back.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

There isn't much going on in my head in the adoption land. I still think of my daughter, but things have been looking up. I am taking a break from counseling. I met the whole family of the Pastor and I feel like I am taking away from them. So, this evening,my family we are going to have a cookout at a park.
My work has been kind of crazy. My clients of two years still are not sure if they are going to move or just deal with my company's prices long term. I just wish he would make up his mind. I am loving my new hours. I am still working a really long day, but I come home every night. It's been different, but I love it. I am am working 40 hours in three days and making a little less, but it's worth it.
The wife of the couple I take care of has been in the hospital since Sunday. She just came home today. We stayed with her in the hospital which was very stressful.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I am in the process of printing The Dear Izzy letters to add them to the scrapbook. I am including the number of comments for each letter.
Also, right now I am trying to work more with art than just snapping pictures. I am not a artist and haven't drawn since I was a kid, but I get a deep satisfaction if I can pull something off for Izzy. I still plan on sharing some pictures of the pages, but just haven't found the time yet.