Monday, September 12, 2011

Scrapbook block

I have been on a creative block for my daughter's scrapbook and I think I finally realized what is keeping me from working on it.

When I started working on it a long time ago. It was an outlet for me to do something with my time while I was suffering from so much loss and the not known of how my daughter's life was going.

I never knew if I would have have a chance to give her the book so it was made with the realization that it may stay with me forever but the ideal plan was to give it to my daughter. However, my daughter wasn't a real person to me. It was almost as if she could have been an imaginary person cause she was in my life for such a short period of time.

Now, that I am in contact and slowly building a relationship with her she is very REAL. She isn't imaginary and she isn't a baby. She is a real person who may or may not treasure the book as much as I have done.

Now, if I can just get past this fear of the known fact that I am able to give the book to her and get working on it. It would be great. I think another fear is that handing off the scrapbook would be a final act and she be done with me. I guess that's the insecurity that adoption loss has carried.

I did survive her birthday but that's for another day.


Jenn said...

Does your daughter know you are working on it? If so, did she give you any clues? If not, could you casually mention it to her and see what she says? It might give you a better idea about how receptive she will be to the idea.

I for one would love to get a scrapbook like that, but all adoptees are so very different.

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

I think the scrapbook is important for you--and for your daughter, too. My son and I wrote letters and poems to one another for a long time before we met. I know that feeling of un-reality. Then I wrote a book. The book has not been published yet, but it will probably happen next year. Even if it's never published, it's very important to me, my son, and my other kids. Our stories deserve to be told.

birthmothertalks said...

My daughter does know about the book and said she would like to see it someday. That was way before we met.

I really need to get working on it again. I do have a couple small ideas.

Denise- Good luck with getting your book published. I couldn't agree with you more that are stories need to be told. It was such a relief to read books from other birthmothers and know that I am not alone.