Saturday, April 30, 2011

A little reminder

I was off work for a few weeks because my client had some health problems our company wasn't taking care of her. Time off works two ways for me. One, I get to spend more time with my family and I love it. I get to cleaning more and cooking more for them. I spend more time at the Ymca and that is really good for me.

The bad side is that I spend too much time online and that's not always good. I sit online wishing for more contact between my daughter and myself. I sit without pay and things got tight. However, my husband did a pretty good job keeping up. I did end up getting an unemployment check but not until yesterday and now I am back to work.

Well, it took towards the end of my week to be cool with being back to work. My client is more needy right now and that works for me. I like that feeling. She always needs me but it's more now.

Mother's day is coming up and I been thinking about it. Who am I going to give flowers to or call or send a card too? Will my boys take it upon themselves to give me a present on their own? Alex makes money here and there and Stephen gets allowance now but spent all his money on himself... I know that presents isn't everything but it's nice to be remembered. Will my daughter remember me on Mother's day

Well, anyways, my client happens to have a friend who was the principal at the small school that I went to in high school. Small world right? So, she wanted to talk to me tonight when she called my client and we talked for a few and she asked me if I had seen or talked to Pam lately? I said, I had seen her in late January and I would most likely be calling her on Mother's Day because she is like a Mom to me and she fills the void that is missing from my lack of a relationship with my Mom and I explained how my Mom just ignores me.

She said, life just deals us a bad hand or something to that extent. She also said twice is that "You do know that it's not your fault" "It's nothing you have done or about you as a person. I told her that it took a long time for me to learn that. It's a good reminder as Mother's Day gets closer I have to remember it's not about me. I don't want to focus on what I don't have but what I do have. I don't know if I will make too much of a effort to surprise to many mother's with flowers. I just don't have the money and I am not going to stress it.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I called the school that I believed my daughter's birthfather had probably went to school at and they have all the yearbook but they won't let anyone look at them because it's an invasion of privacy. If it's such of an invasion of privacy then why are they even saving them? Why not just have a big bon fire or something? I am so mad. I think that the answers to what I am looking for is in that school.

How can the books be at the public library? Isn't that an invasion too?

My only other options is to look the the middle school year books that students who went to that high school were most likely to have come from. Will I actually even be able to pick him out from when he was a 7th or 8th grader?

I guess I will call the public library and see if they have those books. I was so close but now I am so far away.

Just for the record, when I been blogging about her birthfather and the details, I have used real names in case this is ever seen by the right people.

Edited.. I just emailed the principal and spilled my guts so lets see if they will reconsider my plea.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Tonight, MELD held an Volunteer Appreciation and Thank you dinner for the volunteers. I brought my son along with me because he comes with me and helps a little bit with the children. I also invited my little sister. When I first invited her it was because I like to have company and it's fun to show others the MELD organization. Just a couple days ago, I got the bright idea to ask her to volunteer on Monday nights with me. I been thinking about it for a while but she was planning a move out of the city but a job fell through and she couldn't go. I know she is disappointed about not moving to start school but I am happy to have help and be able to spend more time with my sister.

I borrowed one of the Mom's baby that I take care of on Monday nights to play with him. It was really nice to be able to do that. My sister held him a little too. At first, it was just myself, my sister and my son at the table. Then, a couple of the other Mom's showed up and sat at our table. It was nice to be able to enjoy sometime with them because I really don't get to see them too much. It's just drop off and pick them up sort of deal.

They gave all the volunteers a water bottle with some goodies in it and my son wanted the candy. He said something to the point that they didn't name him as a volunteer. I told him that he volunteers but he is my helper. He came up with the term that he is the volunteer's volunteer.

Off the subject of tonight. A neighbor has been bugging me to look at baby clothes because he sees me walk my grand daughter and wants to sell me clothes. I have been off work and money is tight but to get him off my back I agreed to look. Most of it was too small for babygirl and I told him that I couldn't afford to get much because I don't have much money. However, I said, I like to buy clothes to donate them to MELD and I might want to look again when I have more money. He said for a good cause he would give me two huge trash bags full of clothes. So, as long as he still has them when I get money again, I am going to buy the clothes and wash them up and pass on more clothes to MELD.

There is also a community baby shower going on in my city for women of low income. So, if that is still going on when I get the clothing I might donate some stuff to that too. I really love washing and folding baby clothes. It reminds me of happy times when I was expecting my sons.

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I been thinking of you again. It just doesn't sit right with me that I can't give Izzy her birthfather's whole name. As of right now, she doesn't seem too interested. She hasn't pressed me for information about you. I know she is young and that could change over the time.
I feel shameful that I knew so little about you or that I forgot so much about you. I think I have located the high school that you most likely went to and that might lead me to finding a picture of you. I am hoping if your picture and name is right in my face that I will know it's you when I see it.

I might have blocked so much out because you walked away and weren't there and then we moved away. I used to be scared of you because my husband didn't know the whole truth but my current husband knows everything. I am no longer afraid because the truth can't hurt me anymore.

I wonder do you ever think of her? She is really pretty girl and appears to be very happy. She has had a stable boyfriend for three years and has graduated from high school. She is almost ready to finish her first year of college. You would be so proud of her. I try to look at her and see if I can catch something in her that reminds me of you. I am sorry that I just can't see you. How does one truly know what trait comes from what side of the family? Would you see your own traits in her? Or are most of your families traits lost in the land of adoption secrecy. I knew you were adopted and sadly I never thought much about it. I just took it as a fact and never considered how it impacted your life. I find it really sad that you lost two children to adoption and I am really sorry that I am a part of that.

You told me about a girl that stole your heart and said you would always love her. I remember her name because I was jealous. I found a girl with that first name and it's seem to not be a popular name from that time. Well, according to that yearbook. I also found your friend who you lived with who was an adoptee too who we have learned probably died in prison. I didn't know it to a few years later that your best friend was an adoptee too. That is when I learned that I was the second girl to place your child for adoption. I wonder was it the Johanna girl?

I plan on calling the high school and seeing if they have the missing yearbooks that the library didn't have. I don't know what I will do with the information if I find it? Would you want to know about Izzy? Would you accept how sorry I am that I wasn't able to fight my Mom when it came to giving her up for adoption? Would you see that if you ran because you were afraid that I get that but I couldn't run? You were afraid at what 19 or 20? I was afraid at 14 and left to handle things on my own.

Until I find you, stay safe. I hope you found happiness and didn't suffer the same fate as your friend.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I invited my sister to this Monday's volunteer appreciation dinner that Meld is doing to thank the volunteers. Little did she know that she would become a volunteer for Meld. I asked her if she would be willing but more like said you should volunteer with me. :) My son Alex says "you should" and it drives me crazy. It's like he is telling me what to do. I don't know if he got it from me or I got him from him. Oh well. My sister said she would volunteer with me on Monday nights.

So, now all we have to do is run it by Meld and get it approved. I think it will be wonderful to have help but more so that it's my little sister. I love it. It should make things easier and better for the children. It should provide more time for actually playing with them and holding and loving on them.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I found a few cousins on my Dad's side on Facebook. We haven't been in contact but I am "friends" with a few of them now. I have only one aunt and my grandfather in my scrapbook. For those adoptees out there I am wondering how many generations would you care to see?

Would you want to see pictures of aunts and uncles? and their children? and their children?

Would you find it weird if I included the pictures hijacked from Facebook but really didn't know the people?

Would you be more interested in seeing the younger pictures of aunts and uncles and cousins or okay with the today version of old?

I have lost my creativity with the scrapbook. I haven't picked it up in months. Maybe, it's because I have met my daughter.

I don't want to call it quits but not sure what more to include in it. I am going to put pictures from our first face to face meeting but I want to express how much that day meant to me but I can't find the words.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

child care 101

I had a child come into the daycare setting with a very wet diaper and I didn't have my helper for the first ten minutes or so. I always make sure I check all the babies diapers during the hour and half they are with me. Normally, I start half way time and work my way through all the children in diapers.

I think a child should come in freshly changed and not need a diaper within the first few minutes unless they poop then that couldn't be helped. I want to see meld address this issue with the girls without pointing anyone out.

I am not the best with words when it comes to MELD because I don't want to complain. But if you were to write a 101 on having your child in a daycare what would your key points be? This would basically make the work of the child care provider be easier and therefore providing better care to the children.

I would want them to work the lesson is as it's just something we are teaching you because you need to know if you ever have your child in daycare vs. the volunteer is complaining.

I never want the Meld Mom's to think that I am judging them. I think they are awesome. I wish I could do more for them and their children. I thought of buying them all a flower for Mother's Day but I am out of work for right now. Why do I feel the desire to give so much when I am without a job. I guess it's just my nature. I love to give to others and I wonder how many of their men in their lives think to honor them on Mother's Day.

So, if your child goes to daycare or if your in the mood comment on what would be a good 101 on preparing your child for daycare please.

Off the subject of this.. Does anyone want to try Netflix for free? I have an email that says if I forward it along my friends get a free month. I am not sure if anyone can use it because I thought everyone got a free month when they start it. Well, just wanted to throw that out there. If your interested let me know.
Lately, I have been trying to be more patient with my husband. There are times I want to scream don't you see the garbage can and why can't you throw your empty cookie package in it? Also, why do you take the paper to leave it sit around to collect dust? And why do you want to collect empty coffee cans? He finally removed the twenty cans from the kitchen and our kitchen grew.

I have had to take a step back and look at myself. I tend to leave the empty soda bottles on the counter and I am horrible with finding a good spot for the bills or other paperwork that I need to save.

Sometimes, it's easy to look at the other person little crazy habits and not think of what you do that they may overlook. I guess the point of my post isn't to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the good times.

Monday, April 18, 2011


I decided that I want to take a 7 hour drive to look through photos that belonged to my aunt because she told me that she had pictures of my grandmother that I never have seen before and I would like to see them for myself and also include them in my daughter's scrap book. I don't know when I will do this. It's just something that I want to do.

I had asked my aunt for a couple years and I was always greeted with I am too tired or too sick and I will do it later. Well, she died about a month ago and I still want those pictures. So, I want to talk to this cousin that would have them and try to take the trip to get copies of the pictures.

I feel a little guilty asking her for us to come take a trip because I haven't been in contact with the cousin for many years. My family just isn't a close family.

I decided to use facebook to try to find some of them and it was a challenge because I don't know everyone last names anymore. Basically, I am searching for what is now strangers and I did find some. All I had to do was find one and a bunch fell in my lap.

It got my husband and I talking about adoptees deep need to connect with their biological families and to see people that look like them. My husband asked me who do I think I look like besides the sisters and brother. It was hard for me to answer. I don't think I am a match for any certain person and I have never craved this desire to know. I always thought I looked some like this aunt on my Mom's side and didn't like it because I thought she was ugly. I have been told that I look a little like this aunt on my Dad's side of the family. There is talk of the "Smith" chin and I remember how my family used to say "yep, that's a Smith" I don't know if their really is a trait that the older generation see that I haven't noticed yet or if they just say it to say it.

Another thing my family has always said is that "smith's" know how to have babies. In a small way, it makes me wonder how much infertility troubles lies in the genes? I can't say one way or another if anyone has had trouble since I am not in contact with most family. Maybe, they said that because they came from a family of seven or eight kids. But then again, way back when, who didn't have tons of kids?

I wonder do adoptees crave something us non adopted people take advantage of? I just don't get the strong connection to see cousins that I haven't grown up with. I can't even name them all. There is too many of them.

I don't ever remember having to do the dreadful family tree that adoptees have blogged about. Could it be that I did it and it was an eventful moment in my life for me to remember? I would think the fact that I didn't have grandmothers alive when I was born would been something to remember when I would have had to ask their names. Which I still don't really remember. I believe my Dad's Mom is where the Indian heritage comes from. Over the years, I have felt the loss of grandmothers in my life and the reality that I only had one Grandfather because the other one was in a nursing home and didn't know who he was or anyone else. I really didn't feel that loss until I started taking care of the elderly and watching all the wonderful relationships between grandparents and their grandchildren.

I have read about adoptees being hurt because they weren't invited to a family reunion and I understand that they hurt and I am sorry about that. However, if my family was to have a family reunion I don't know if I would try to ask my daughter or not. Mostly, I really don't think there will be any reunions for us. The grand parents of the "Smith" family are all dead and people have moved on. That doesn't mean that maybe they don't have reunions within their own new family... it's just the "smith" family has grown and people have married and the "smith" blood line is running thinner and thinner and being replaced with other blood lines.

If my family did do a huge reunion I don't know if I could take my daughter around and point out the "smith's" the blood relations because that's all that most of them are to me. We just don't include each other in each others life. I know that I have cousins that live in my area and yet we don't make the effort. It's not that when we see each other at a funeral or run into each other at a store that we don't talk to each other and we may even hug each other. However, we are remembering the past and the past is dead.

If we had a reunion, on my Dad's side, I would go mostly out of feeling like I had to do it for my Dad. However, two aunts and one uncle has died in the past two years. Also, I have twin aunt/uncle (aunt is dead) and both the twins lost their only child early in life. The aunt's daughter did live longer than the uncles child so she had two sons who were left without a Mom and then a Grandma. I found those boys facebook but I don't have any connections or family memories of them.

Your probably wondering why I am searching for the family if I really don't feel much for them. Even though, my daughter hasn't expressed the deep need to see family pictures and people who may look like her.. I am waiting to get the pictures so if she does get the need they are in her book.

Mostly, I am just wanting to do this with my Dad's family. I do have a couple aunts on my Mom's side and children that I grew up with that I might think about but this is such a hard challenge to do so I will stick with the "smith family" before I think of my Mom's side.

I know me blogging about the lack of reasons to see family that I have grown apart from may sound weird coming from a birthmother but it's my truth. I think their is a big difference between the bond and love a Mother feels for her child than random family members.

I don't mean to offend any adoptees who do seek these connections to biological family members. I know everyone is different. I am just talking about my feelings on how I think it would be weird if my daughter was wishing for connections with people on my family that I lost years ago.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Thank you

I received two donations this week for a total of 30.00 for MELD. It makes me feel great that others did that on their own without me asking for donations. I plan on getting the children that I see on Monday nights a little something for Easter. Thanks again for the donations for the little kids. I am sure they will enjoy getting a treat and I will enjoy spoiling them.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I never was really educated too much on adoption and never read any books on it until a few years ago. My first book was The girls who went away by Ann Fessler about the generations of women who were forced into hiding and adoption. There stories made mine look like a cake walk, but it doesn't mean that mine wasn't painful.

Well, anyways, several years ago, while I was doing live in care this co worker of mine confessed that she had a child at 15 and her parents adopted her daughter. She always called the child her "sisterdaughter" I thought it was amazing that her parents raised the child as their own rather then send her off to strangers. I don't know for sure but I am guessing that it made the loss of adoption an easier thing than not knowing anything. What I didn't understand because I hadn't done any reading is how rare this situation probably was. The co worker was old herself. I would guess about 65 or so. So, it would have fell in the time line of where most unmarried and pregnant girls "went to go stay with a sick aunt" and lost their child forever.

I ran into her a few days ago at the YMCA and she said she met a new guy. Her husband had died several years before I met her. She looked good and actually looked in better shape than she did when I met her.

It gave me an opening that my life has changed too. I said, I am reunited with my daughter. She looked surprised and happy. Then, later, it came to me that I never told her that I had a daughter. It's so strange that even when a birthmom was dropped in my lap that I didn't open up and say hey I am a member of that club. I think counseling helped me to be a little more comfortable and also reunion makes it easier to admit that I am a birthmom but I know my daughter.

Maybe, if I run into her again, I will have the nerve to talk more with her about adoption, but don't hold your breath.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Last night, I was doing my Monday night routine of volunteering for MELD. There was only four children and it was so much easier. I was able to get on the kids level and play with them. I kind of just put myself down there and basically made the driver tend to the baby that wanted to be held. I tried to play with all four but the baby kept wanting to kiss "bite" the other kids and she cried when I wouldn't let her.
I spend some one on one time playing with legos with one child. These kids don't want to share the attention. The little boy of about two years old kept calling me Mommy and it was sweet so I told we have to work on saying my name.
Then, I played with another boy with a Dora the Explorer house and had fun. The other child wanted to play and I had to be stern and not let the first child push him away. It was so nice to just play and interact with the kids. 2 out of the 4 kids have been with me for a year now. I really do like them and when I am frustrated I tend to forget that and forget to do the little things.

When it was about time to go, I had them help clean up. Normally, I do it on my own but with a smaller group it's easier to get control and get them moving.

I hope for more nights of play like this.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


My husband and I got married in another county. He showed me this fancy restaurant with a theater. It's pretty expensive. He said he had been there but not in a long time. I kind of forgot about it. A couple weeks ago, there was a contest for two tickets for dinner and to see the play Annie. I told him to enter the contest and we actually won!!

So, in a few weeks, we will be getting a babysitter for my youngest son and getting sort of dressed up. I say sort of because my husband isn't much for fancy dressing and I probably should make due with what I have because I am out of work because my client had to have surgery.

I am so excited because when your married and taking care of kids and holding down jobs sometimes life just is BORING! Same crap different day. We don't go out much and especially on a fancy date.

I love the movie and play Annie because for years I could relate to Annie missing her parents and singing the music from the play.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I been thinking about my frustrations with MELD and why I continue to do it. I have to admit at times I want to quit because of some of the reasons that I have mentioned.

I can't quit because I stand behind MELD. I love what they are doing. I have heard some of the happy stories of young Mom's getting their education and getting jobs. I think maybe they need to rethink some of the ways they handle things and maybe at times they need to put their foot down.

The other main reason I can't quit is because of the children. I have been with MELD for a year now and two of the children been coming for the whole year. I love watching them grow. I have been called teacher, friend and the little guy who doesn't talk much sees me and says toy toy and follows me into the nursery. I have a few other children that are on their 2nd, 3rd or 4th ten week session. So, look forward to seeing them.

I want to do something for the kids for Easter. Nothing expensive because I don't have a lot of playing money. Maybe, some chocolate bunnies or bubbles for the children. I do care about them all. I admit my favorite age is the babies. They are so sweet. They don't run and they never slip up and say something that they shouldn't have.

clean slate babies

My husband was telling me a story how women are coming over from China to have babies in the USA so they can have citizenship here and in China. Some how he got on the subject that babies when first born are a clean slate. That just reminds me of how people think that adopted children could never feel loss because when they are born they are brand new and can be formed into anything.
We talked about the different races adopting children and how some children being raised with a different race do feel different and out of place. I am getting this by reading some of the blogs that are adoptees from other countries. He used the example that if a baby is born and raised in the united states even though they are citizens that they are Americans and not Chinese or whatever. He says the problems wouldn't come from within the child but from racism.

If anyone would like to tackle this one to better explain why babies born are not done with a clean slate. I am not good with this kind of stuff.

All I could think of is when you adopt a new puppy how he/she cries for his or her Mommy and brothers and sisters and if puppies can remember and cry about it then why is it so hard to think that babies can be a clean slate at birth?

It bothers me because it implies that the mother that the child is born to isn't important. Let's just get her baby and throw her away because the baby has a clean slate. It sounds like adopting and raising them as your own without any thought that the child had other parents before you.

So, if you could write my husband an email about this what would you tell him?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


My husband and I were talking about how I feel a little drained when it comes to watching the MELD kids. It feels as if they take me for granted now. I don't have an helper. I have a driver that sits there and will step in if need but mostly doesn't help me.

I want to play. I only had five children last week and one was sleeping and one kept screaming so her Momma came and got her. So, I only had three kids. A 3 year old, a 2 year old and a baby about six months old. It was pretty nice. I was able to tend to the baby and play with the little kids here and there. I even got them to play with the baby. Tickle tickle the baby I would say. Then, they would gently tickle the baby. I ended up with the daughter of the lady who runs the Mom's group. She had mentioned about having babysitting problems and I said bring her here. I had a feeling she didn't want to bring her daughter into the daycare. The daughter was a second grader so she was pretty good.

Well, anyways, my husband said that they don't appreciate you enough. They should have a soda waiting for the volunteer or a snack of some sort to show that they appreciate us. He said maybe he would email them and I said noooo don't get in the middle.

I do agree that they could do more to say Thank you. I don't think snacks would be a good idea because of the kids but a bottle of soda would do the trick. I think they should do more to keep the volunteers and talk to us more because after all we are doing free work. There is only a small amount of people willing to work for free. I do have to give them credit for the dinner they are having next month for volunteers. Also, they include us in the Christmas dinner. I think it would be nice to have the little reminders of thank you.

I blogged on my private blog about another concern of mine. So, if your a reader and your interested in it going read it.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I have an confession. I really don't like the "half" sister or brother and I told my kids that I don't like it. I said, I would never say your half my son. He said, well no because I am your kid. I said, yea, but I didn't have you all on my own and how silly does "half son" sound? Both of my sons kind of laughed and Alex said he won't use the term half.

I also don't like the term "stepdaughter" But I don't feel right calling my step daughter "daughter" because I don't feel like it's right.

On a really good subject but off this subject, my husband won two fancy dinners and a play at a theater. It's called the Fireside. I am not sure if they are nation wide or not. I am so excited.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The forgotten child

I had coffee with my Dad the other day and my son was with me. My Dad introduced him to the guy sitting near us that he was his grandson. They go on to count the grandchildren. My Dad counted two from me and four from my sister and two from my step brother. Again, my daughter doesn't make the count of one of his grandchildren. It hurts but I suppose that is what adoption does to families. It makes the adopted child especially from an closed adoption to be the forgotten child. She isn't counted as a grandchild and her name isn't remembered.

I suppose I should be used to this by now but I would have thought reunion would have changed things. However, my Dad hasn't met her yet and has only seen pictures so I am guessing she is still not a real thought. She is just the baby and not the grandchild.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I was at work yesterday and my phone rang. It was the guy from MELD who is in charge of the groups and the volunteers. It's the first time in the year that I was called on a day that I don't volunteer. I guess neither of the volunteers showed up. For some reason they are having a hard time keeping volunteers.
I think volunteering is so important. It really lifts your spirits if your unemployed or underemployed and you have a lot of free time. It makes you feel like your doing something other than job searching. I think it will also make going back to work so much easier if you find something you can do with your time that is work like.

I have made a decision that I like babysitting children more than I do the elderly. I babysit for a church and for my grand daughter. Also, volunteer for MELD. I work three nights a week taking care of the elderly. I have applied for a job in the child care department at the local YMCA. My goal is to work less hours for the elderly and more with children. A big part of this choice is that my income depends on someone being well or not. If my client takes a turn for the worse and goes in a nursing home I lose. If they die. I lose. I have had situations where if the client gets well. I lose. One example.. was when we were working with a blind lady to assist her with learning how to do as much as possible on her own. So, in reality, if we do a good job we work ourselves out of hours. I feel shallow. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Well, I went way off my topic but oh well.