Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Update on me

I am doing much better since Izzy went home. I am not sitting wondering if I am going to see her or not. I just know I am not going to see her cause she is far away.. So while it's sad to admit but her being here but not giving me much is really hard on me. I never did hear anything about the birthday card I sent but I didn't really expect too. It's the first year I didn't do a gift. I couldn't afford it and if I could manage a few bucks it would have been easier to hand it to her than mail it.. Plus I find more enjoyment in gift giving in that way.

That Sunday that she went home.. I had a birthday party to go to for my friend's daughter's 15th birthday. It's a big birthday in the Mexican culture so it was a big deal. They kept it simple for the most part because they had already had the big celebration in Mexico. I had a major diet slip up that day. I ate way too much cake that I care to admit.

What I didn't realize until after the fact is that the day of the party was the 23rd anniversery of the day the TPR's was signed. So I wonder if over eating had anything to do with that even though I wasn't aware of that date.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Special needs adults and babies

My heart has been breaking for my once neice who had a baby and it's possible it's my brothers baby but we won't know right away. A test has been ordered. DCFS got involved and said Mom can't be alone with the baby and Mom needed to get on her medication and take classes.. The baby put into protective care with his grandmother (k's mom) I believe during the mandotory counseling K ran her mouth twice that just made keeping this baby with family tough..

First, she said how her Mom's husband raped her. So they pulled the baby out of their care and then grandma starts staying with her Mother so the baby can stay with her.

K then talks more about some serious child abuse that most likely happened cause Mom sent her off with a truck driver.. I am sure K was sexually abused by this man when she was young. It was looked into and enough cause to say K couldn't go with him but no charges were brought.

So in light of this information being brought up the baby has been removed from the whole family. Don't know what's going to happen.

K does have a mental condition and really does need family support as she learns how to be a parent but her parents are bad and most likely the person who would be doing most of the child raising is the baby's great grandmother who is in her mid 60's.. This grandmother can't get custody cause she is too old and I also don't believe she is a good fit to "help" K become a good Mom.. She was just do everything for the baby and will create another Mom like her daughter.

K was raised by her grandmother. I know my brother wants the baby if it is his child.. but the thing is my brother has MS and relys on a walker to get around and also doesn't have the set up for a baby. One of dcfs requirements is wanting the baby to have it's own room.. Is that really an requirement for a brand new baby?

K's mother is pissed at her for running her mouth.. I honestly believed this information would have came to light even if she didn't bring it up.

My sister did a little research and it appears that handicapped people especially with mental conditions often times lose their children. So sad.

I feel K needs like a foster home herself where her and her baby can stay with someone who will offer advice and help but let K learn to be a Mom in a safe enviroment. If only something like that exsisted to prevent this baby being seperated from his Mom.. At least give her a chance.

Right now the baby is in foster care. Both K and my brother have been appointed lawyers since neither of them have money for one.

I realy hope that this isn't my brother's child. It's going to be an uphill battle to get this baby either with his Mother or Father.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Izzy's birthday and some rambling on about poor me!

I kept it low key for Izzy's birthday this year. She was in town for two weeks and I just seen her for the reception. It didn't occur to me to give her a birthday card or gift on the reception day so as of right now she hasn't gotten anything from me. This is the first of it's kind. I am struggling with some money issues so a big reasoning is that I am just broke! But I have to be honest is saying that part of my reason is cause I feel ignored and just didn't feel like shopping for her when she gives so little.. I know this maybe immature but it's how I feel. It also goes to the money issue again.. Had she answered me and we sat and talked over sodas, coffees or a cheap lunch.. I might have been able to shop for her and hand her a small gift. It's the thought that counts right? But here is the thing. She didn't reply to my messages to see her to confirm any days that might be possible or write me and say she didn't have time or I just don't want to see you. So.. no way in hell I am shipping presents to her when she is here in town. The gift would been most likely less than the shipping.

I did on her birthday send a card to her house. It had special meaning to me and I wrote a little bit of a sappy note on how much she means to me and how I don't tell her "i love you" enough.. I didn't put in the truth that I don't say it much cause I sort of feel like she doesn't love me so saying "i love you" can be awkward.

On her birthday, I wrote her a happy birthday message on my dry erase board and she did comment on that last night as they were packing up to go. They are on the way home now. It basically said Thanks!! She loved it! And she was sorry she didn't have time to reply because this trip was jam packed. It makes my heart happy to finally get something back from her but that makes me feel like a dog begging for table scraps. It more so makes my heart sad cause really?? Your here for two weeks? After the reception another week? So busy that you can't even reply to a message or comment that your busy and don't have time? I am sorry but I just don't buy it. If one has time for facebook postings then one has time to reply a one or two sentense reply saying we are just too busy. Maybe, she was busy but if I was important to her she would have made time to see me or even attempt to write me. So I guess I just don't stand very high on what is important to her.

My husband thinks I am reading into what is not there? I suppose that's not any different for him to try to make little of my discomfort. I don't think I am reading into anything. I see the facts in front of me. The fact is she couldn't even bother to write back. I get that her family comes first. I wouldn't expect to come first but two weeks and one can't spare an hour or two to catch up?

I don't know where to go with this.. I know it's their trip and their money. I am broke always.. I never have money for that kind of trip plus I don't travel well. So it's within their right to choose how to spend their vacation. I don't want to only see her cause she pity's me. I honestly feel like she could take or leave me.. So part of me wants to not make contact for visits anymore. If she is in town and asks me.. fine then.. but I just feel like there are plenty of people who love me and I don't have to beg to see them. I am worth more than this.

Friday, September 12, 2014


I promised I would write more about the reception.. the part I didn't really go into much detail was the people. I mentioned there wasn't really any introductions done by Izzy.. This includes her parents. Let's start with her father.. we actually never said a word to each other.. There were a few warm smiles exhanged between us but no hello ect or any words spoken. I did observe Izzy and him playing a yard game and they seem to get along but I thought he made slightly of a rude comment.. see Izzy was farther away and he made a comment like "why you so far away" and she said cause "I have more muscles" I can't remember what he said but something like "huh muscles really? " See.. Izzy is overweight and appears to have gained back what she had lost when I was in my first year of weight loss. When I seen Izzy's Dad there wasn't any knee reaction like remembering the past.. My memory bank didn't remember "this man" in front of me nor did I remember his voice.. So in a lot of ways.. he was a stranger to me and there was no love.. no hate.. no oh my God I love you for what you did for my daughter.. or oh my god.. I hate you for not answering my letters... nothing was really felt.

Izzy's Mom... Again no formal into done by Izzy or did we introduce ourselves to each other.. Again.. no love.. no hate.. nothing. Same with her.. My mind and or memory bank doesn't remember "this woman" There was no oh my god thanks for raising Izzy.. There was no why didn't you write me back? There wasn't really any personal stuff brought up. However, Izzy's Mom and I did speak. There were a couple people with babies and one was 8 months old and she was holding the baby and I can't resist babies so we were up close and personal going gaga over the baby together. She told me how the baby was born really early.. There was some mention of don't "I want another one" but I can't remember if that was Izzy or her Mom.. I believe it was Izzy.. She even told her Mom that. There were warm smiles exchanged between us. There was no mention of my name as in who I was to Izzy and it was never brought up by either one of us.

When I was leaving a part of me wanted to say something like "nice to see you again to her" but I chickened out and just yelled a good bye everyone after I had personally don't Izzy and her new husband bye.. I think Izzy's Mom said the strangest thing.. "nice to meet you" Huh? Nice to meet you? We met September 11th 1991 and then again when the TPR were done and ran into each other once when Izzy was a baby!! Nice to meet ya??

Izzy's grandmother.. like I said no formal introdctions. I found myself chit chatting with an older lady for a few minutes about the weather and getting cold easy.. turns out I believe that was Izzy's grandmother.

Izzy's and husband's friend.. There was this girl that seemed excited to see me and she said she had been looking for me but I didn't look like my facebook picture.. she spoke like she new us and I even asked my son if he knew her and he said no. She was friendly but a little drunk. She is the only one besides one other breif situation that said who I was.. She said I had "izzy hair" and was amazed at how much we look alike.. This friend drove with Izzy and Kyle so she must be a pretty good frined.. At one point she was placing my kids in their birth order,,, Izzy, Alex and Stephen... notice she put Alex as a middle child.. He made it clear that he considers himself "the oldest" not the middle.

There was this one lady Izzy was talking to and it happened to be her teacher and happened to be Alex's teacher too.. so Alex got in the conversation and I believe it might have been this conversation where Izzy introduced him as her "birthbrother"

One more situation where we were point blank asked who are these guys.. We were doing pictures and this couple comes to the park and Izzy didn't introuduce us and was asked but then got distracted by a gift that was Christmas related.. she has a Chrismtas thing.. she is crazy about Christmas.

So I said I was her birthmom and all he heard was "mom" So I had to say birthmom again and then the lady says she was adopted and he said, "that's okay" I got a laugh out of that.. like we needed his appoval.

This prety much sums up my interactions with Izzy's family. I am glad I was invited.. I am happy that the offical first meeting since all these years is done. Only time will tell if I will see them again or if anything will ever come out of it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Going to try to break the reception down into key points.. may just be a start to it.

Settings : This was just a really casual reception. The wedding was a week earlier and that was really small. They didn't even have their parents there. I wasn't upset about that but at the same time I was pretty down that day.. So this was really casual. It was held in a park. They had rented one of those shelters for the day. It was decorated a bit but nothing fancy. They didn't do a wedding cake but had a tower of cupcakes! They had chicken from walmart and other yummy food like potatoe salad, chips ect and hot dogs. It was more like a big family picnic that an traditional wedding reception. I really didn't take many pictures. I was just too busy taking everything in. The weather was perfect.

Who I brought: Myself, my two sons' and my oldest son asked if his new girlfriend could come. It was the first time I met her. I didn't realize that Alex hadn't seen Izzy for almost two years.

Introductions: There were not any formal introductions done. This includes Izzy's parents and other family members. There were quite a few people there and I mostly just kept to myself ( meaning not talking to people much that I didn't know) for a good portion of the time. Not to say that I didn't talk to people I didn't know but not tons of it. Will write more on the topic of the people. There were a couple introductions based on one person figuring out who I was and another one or two that just flat out asked.. will address that in another post.

The gift: Was a pretty basket that I made for Izzy and her new husband. It had some homemade bread, fruit, canister of nuts and chocolate, kisses and some body lotion and spray and even threw in a flower pot. Also, had a wedding card.

Alex carried it in and set it down. I don't recall her saying thanks or have I heard from her saying thanks for the gift. I feel a little hurt about that.

My time with Izzy: We were there for about 3 hours. We were not the first there. I had actually planned it out to be 15 minutes late so we wouldn't be the first person there. When we left a big part of the crowd had left but there were a few people coming in still at the moment. They were starting to clean up. I didn't attach myself to her hip. I would visit with her a bit but also just let her do her thing. During part of the time I even just observed her somewhat from a distance to watch her play a game with some family members.

When we were leaving I did suggest that we get together but its not looking like that is going to happen and it makes me sad. Tomorrow is her birthday and it's the first birthday in a while that is making me sad. I decided against buying her a gift.. mainly cause I am extremely broke part honestly part of it is that I am not happy with her and feel like I have better ways to spend my money. Hope this doesn't sound mean but I am sure as hell not going to pay to ship a gift when she can't even answer me to attempt to see each other before she goes home. I bought her a birthday card and will mail it to her house tomorrow morning unless I hear form her before that.. just not holding my breath on it.

Will finish writing at a later time about the people that were at the party.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I am having a hard time putting the reception and the meeting of Izzy's parents into words to blog about it.. I believe it's cause I am mixing up a couple events in my brain.. One is the Thursday is her birthday and it's looking like most likely I won't be getting another chance to visit with her before she goes home. My messages have gone unanswered.

Another issue is more private about her and not sure it's my place to write about it on a public blog so I probably won't but it has me very worried about her.

I been trying to deal with the whole event and soon to be event of her birthday by throwing myself into my workout routine and stay going strong on my weight loss goals. I can do my best not to over eat due to poor me.

I am also trying to tell myself that the event of me meeting her parents could be hard on her too.

P.S. I just bought her a birthday card. I splurged for one that sings "over the rainbow" and pops up.. maybe I will take a picture of it before I either give it to her or mail it. I will mail it on her birthday if I don't hear from her.

Shopping helped my mood a bit. I bought myself a couple sets of pj's that were on sale. Sometimes, shopping helps my sadness.. I needed them anyways.

Sunday, September 7, 2014


Is indifferent a word? If I had to use one word to describe how I felt when I seen Izzy's parents it would have to be indifferent or nothing. Will blog more on it soon.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Tomorrow is the big day! I came up with a quick idea for a gift that shouldn't set me back too much and seems like a better idea for now. I still might throw together the cookbook but only when I can do it in a way that I would be proud of it.

I am going to make them a gift basket of goodies... starting with some homemade bread.. probably bannna bread or zucinni bread and then pile a little fruit and snaacks for them. This is my best idea that I can do and afford. I hope they will like it.

I am pretty nervous about going to the recception. It's going to be so odd. I wonder what Izzy thinks about me being there? Inviting me and me showing up are two different things.. and I wonder what her parents are feeling about it? Do they know we are showing up? I wonder will they judge us or welcome us with open arms? Will they speak to me like they have to justify why Izzy was best with them or why they didn't keep the promises I believe were spoken or will they say they were sorry for how things happened?

Or will all the negative stuff be like a elephant in the room? Or will all the negative stuff float away as we celebrate the wedding of our daughter and her new husband?

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

3 days away

The reception is three days away. I just spent 700.00 on my car so truth is I probably won't bring a gift to the reception. It's a reception in a park so hoping that makes it less casual and not expected so much had they served a huge dinner. The reception is out of town a bit and if I didn't do these repairs I couldn't even drive there. I am not saying that my car could have not been fixed if I wasn't going but needing to travel made it even more so important.

This truely sucks. I could have done the cook book idea extremly cheap looking but I was holding out to do it in color and have it look as nice as mine does. Izzy and her new husband and a friend are traveling home now as we speak.

I have anziety about the whole thing so it's feeling even more real now that she is heading this way. I really hope to have nice conversation with her parents but fear bring grilled! I know my thought process is off.. I think it's the low self esteem popping up.. like I need to prove my worth. Ugh.