Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My good stuff

I have been able to splurge on myself. I got some new summer clothes and a new swimming suit.
I was able to have lunch with Alex and bought him a few things for this summer.
My husband bought me a mp3 player.
I learned how to use the mp3 player.
The mp3 player (music) gives me some energy to do things that haven't been getting taken care of.
I started the clean up of the basement.
I did some more yard work. I got down my first tree. My husband helped with some yard work too.
My husband and I have been getting along really well.
Stephen is on Spring Vacation now.
I spent a little time with baby girl.
I enjoyed the excitement of playing with the Mom's meld group boys.
We have a new little girl hanging out in the neighborhood.
I made a few more dollars as a caregiver. We won't get into how this client wasn't fun to be around though.
I was able to buy some much needed tools for the yard work.
Ann, my dog, lets me put saddle bags on her and we been going for more walks.
The heat is off and the windows are open.
I got new followers on my blog.
I called about the free to low cost summer camp and it is open. (not effected by cuts)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Last night, was my first night volunteering for Meld. It was the first night of a ten week class. So, I am not sure if four kids is the normal. They were in different age groups. One was about five months or so and another one was I would say a little over a year. Then, there was a two year old and a four year old. These boys had the most difficult names to say. I hope no one gets upset that I will tell you that they were black and that I have never really spent time with any black kids. I noticed the skin difference but mostly, I was thinking where are the girls?
I didn't have time to dwell on where the girts were or adoption, because even with another person the little boys kept us busy. The meetings are held in an church so the daycare setting is a church daycare so plenty of toys, but the two older boys were running and climbing on stuff.
I got to work on a puzzle and read a couple books and played pretend games with all the kids. The baby was my favorite though.
I wish I would have known about this program when my daughter was born. I would have gladly moved into a shelter and the counseling and support could have made a difference. But I didn't and there isn't anything I can do about it.
Overall, I had a lot of fun playing with these children. It felt good to make a difference in a small way to the parents and children. I can't wait to go back next week and play some more.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Online news story

My husband sent me an online news story. It's another option to adoption. Go here to read the first part of the story.

Then, to see the second chapter, of this story, go hereI don't know if we missed the end of the story,but this is another way to keep Mom's and babies together. I don't know all the answers but it's worth reading. I just wished I knew what the end result was.

To learn more about this program that they are talking about go here

I have to give my husband credit for showing me this story.

Thank you April for giving me the link to the third part of this story. To read it. Go here.

It talks a lot of about poverty. I know there are different levels of poverty, but I don't see it meaning that people can't parent through it. My first husband and I didn't do well when we had our son's. We just didn't make enough money, but we made it. I still don't have a lot of money. We made do. Sometimes, we even dodge the disconnection notices. Thank you tax refund. We are clear of all bills. Even though, I don't have always have a lot of money. Their needs are taken care of and some of their wants. I take advantage of free or low cost programs for example. Free summer day camp. The truth is that not every one can sit pretty, but being broke doesn't always have to mean adoption. The best part of newborns is that they are not going to know if they didn't have designer clothes or if you got their crib at a second hand shop.

I just would hate to think that anyone places their child based on income alone. I am sure their are other factors people choose. Well, anyways, the story is worth reading. One day at a time and one family at a time.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

In two more days, I start with Meld watching young parent's children for an hour and half. It could be newborns to maybe four years of age. I am excited about helping this program out. But more so, helping young Mom's and Dad's be better parents. Also, I can't wait to hang out with some babies.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Something different

Someone told me that my blog is depressing. That might not be the exact words, but I can see why some people might think that. I blog about my adoption loss and grief and to me it's a form of therapy. I do have good things in my life, but it's kind of like my counseling. I could sit with her the whole time and talk about how great my life is and it does have it's good moments, but I will never get down to the issues. The adoption counselor right after I placed my daughter did that to me. We just chit chat, because we met at a fast food place instead of a office. She would ask how things were, but never pushed for the hard questions.

However, I want to start something new. On Wednesday's, I will blog about what has been good in my life.

I was able to splurge and go buy some new clothes, because my stuff was in bad shape. So, I couldn't find any jeans and ended up getting a few things for Spring and Summer. It's not easy to shop, because I have a hard time finding the right sizes. So, I was wearing something colorful and new. Twice, my husband told me that I looked really pretty. Also, said that I was looking at him different with my expressions.

The weather is starting to be a little warmer. During the afternoon, no need for a jacket.

I heard from Meld and start next week.

My husband and I stopped over at my step daughter's house and I got to feed her daughter. I will call her babygirl. (not going to use her name for privacy reasons) Baby girl is growing and Mom said that she laughed in her sleep. She is more alert.

I was able to take my older son for some ice cream. (stepped outside my comfortable zone)

I spent some time with my younger son at the Ymca and we played around a little. Then, I soaked in the hot tub.

I am still employed. My clients are really good.

My Dad came over to visit me.

My husband sent me a story in the newspaper that was a different choice besides adoption when the Mom isn't ready. We actually talked without either one of us getting mad.

Spring as brought out the children in the neighborhood again.

And flowers too. mmmmm colors again.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Yesterday, I got a call from the person in charge at Meld. Next Monday, I start volunteering for them. They will in a class for an hour and half and I will be providing child care, along with another person, I believe. I plan on attending the first one alone and then will try to bring my ten year old son. I think it will be a great thing for us to do together. He will have some much fun playing that he won't even know that he is working. At first, it was only going to be for an hour, but the changed the dinner to just a snack during the meeting. I said, "So, I get more of a baby fix?" I am excited.

I only signed up for ten weeks. I am going to give myself time to see how I handle it. It might be hard, because I will be seeing young parents making parenthood work with help and it will be a reminder of the support that I never got, but I am hoping that I can turn it around and feel good about being part of something so special.

Off the subject, on adoption and babies. Where are my readers located? I am in IL.

Monday, March 22, 2010

just rambling on

My 15 year old son lives with his Dad. I don't blog about it much. But he had a real hard time when I remarried and it didn't help that my second husband was on a constant drinking binge. Ten months sober!!! Yea!!! But I have a lot of guilt about my son being there.
So, my ex husband has the teen to deal with on a day to day basis and we have my ten year old to deal with on a day to day basis. Maybe deal with isn't the correct term. After all, both children need to be raised and loved. We switch weekends. So, one weekend, we don't have kids and the other weekend he don't have kids. The timing works for the most part, but the timing isn't the issue.
Here is my guilt or should I say where we have some major issues. I think adoption loss plays into my issues. Stephen (ten) has learning disabilities and does best with a routine of things. He doesn't get kidding and joking around. Alex (15) is your average teen for the most part.
Stephen struggles when Alex is around, because he is always picking at him and wants to sleep with the radio on or Alex be watching TV while Stephen is trying to sleep. Alex has a way, of asking for things and thinks he doesn't have to follow rules we make his brother follow. This makes Stephen disobey our rules. So, it causes a lot of crying and fits being thrown by Stephen. Alex is getting better at not throwing a fit. But for the most part, he doesn't think he has to do anything that has to do with the house, because he doesn't live here. He always wants attention. I know it's not a bad thing, but I wished he would make the neighborhood feel more like home and be a teen. It doesn't mean that I don't want to spend time with him, but not my every waking minute. If I clean or cook then he is off to his own thing. If I push he will help cook.
I think I went off topic on what I was thinking of blogging about.

I feel like I have stopped doing fun things with my kids, because I don't have both of them. For example, I might be able to afford a movie for two, but not three or four. So, I don't take Stephen, because I can't take Alex. But my ex husband doesn't have a problem with this. He will take Alex to see a movie or another fun event, but doesn't always take Stephen. I think he has more money to play with, because he choose a less expensive place to live. I own my own home, so the bill have to come first. Just for info. Neither of us pays child support. It was decided by the judge because my ex and I make about the same amount of money. Or we did then. Who knows now.
Alex asked me to take him to his favorite place to eat. I can't afford to take everyone so I ended up telling him that I can't do it. Partially, because of money and time. We want Stephen in bed early. I feel torn. It doesn't feel right to do something with one child and not the other.

I know that I have to stop thinking like this. It's not fair to either child. My ex husband and I basically have an open door to the children. It doesn't have to stick to a every other week end thing. But I haven't been taking advantage of it. Alex and Stephen together just drive me crazy. I feel pressured to spend time with Alex in a short amount of time. I work second shift Thursday through Saturday. I get him on Saturday mornings and take him to school on Monday. Sunday is the only day that we get a full day together. I feel like there isn't enough hours, but if I try to keep him longer he wants to go home.

We used to have his bedroom in the basement, but when he moved out. We changed things around. It's basically a unused space, because it smells like a basement and needs to be cleaned up. I want to try to clean it up and give Alex a place to hang out, because Stephen really needs his sleep. Stephen was up most of Saturday night, because of these arguments over sleep.

My current husband and I are very different than my ex husband. We are not into playing video games and sitting around watching lots of movies. I like movies, but maybe only watch a few in a month. We also don't have cable tv. We just got the converter box for our TV. So, Alex struggles with oh my what do I do? I was raised to go play outside. Stephen is being raised to play outside. It's not that we don't spend time together, but we want them to go be a child.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My son had a pretty good birthday. I explained to him the morning of that we were not going to have a party this weekend. I explained that he is getting too old and that I would like birthdays to be more about the family, or maybe one friend. I want to keep it small.
So, he went to school and I picked up his cupcake cake that he wanted to take to his tutoring club. We might have skipped tutoring on his birthday, but bringing something was his idea. When, he got home, my husband was wanting to give him his gifts, because he don't believe in celebrating the birthday, any other day than the birthday. I think our disagreements kind of make things worse. Because we didn't do it the way, I think is best. But he gets his gifts and seems happy, but then says to his step dad so are you coming to my birthday party? I reminded him how we said that were were not going to do a party and he threw a fit. He went on to say how he was mad, because he didn't have his brother there and no party. He wasn't happy. I explained again, how on spring break, we can go to where he wanted to go, but it's not gonna be a party.
We had a parent teacher conference to go to and my friend Rachel, offered to take him to get an ice cream cone. She came to get him and we went to the conference. Then, she dropped him off. She had quite a few people with her and that wasn't part of the plan. My son was given a choice. She could take him and her daughter to get an ice cream cone, but first would have to drop the other kids off or they all could go to her place and have cake and ice cream that was left over from a party that they had a day ago. My son choose the option where everyone got ice cream. I was proud of him.
This weekend, when my older son is home. I am going to allow Tyler to choose what to cook for dinner and we are going to have cake and ice cream. Then, that will be our new tradition. Except, I will stick to my desire to have the dinner on the weekend when everyone can be there. I think kids have to learn that sometimes we can't always take time off from work. It sucks but that is just how it is.
My husband bought him a fishing pole set and I got him a remote control cop car and a movie. He loves his gifts. I am so happy that it is spring and we all can start getting fresh air.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Today, is my youngest son's tenth birthday. He is growing up so fast. I honestly don't like birthday's anymore. It's hard to explain. It's not that I don't want to celebrate it. It's just that I am not into spending a weeks worth of a paycheck over it. If money wasn't an issue then I don't see a problem with it.
Today, we are taking a cupcake cake to his tutoring club. He will get a gift from us, but no party. I don't think he likes it, but agreed that we can go to Nickel World on a different day, but it's not a party. I hope we can have a good day. We have a school conference, but while we are at the school, my friend Rachel is taking him to have some ice cream. So, he should be spoiled. Ice cream and then cake and then presents. We can have a good time without the fuss of a party right?

Monday, March 15, 2010

In response to a comment


Your comment was a little harsh, but I put myself out there so that's what I get. First off, we don't know how your birthmother feels about the loss of placing you for adoption. Maybe, she is able to only think of you once in a while and maybe she is sad, because she doesn't know if your happy or what came of your life. It's your personal choice not to try to search her out to see what became of her.
There are somethings going on in my life that I don't blog about here, but in a private blog. I did invite people a few months ago and every once in a while, if I think I feel close enough to someone or that I trust them, I let them in. I try to find the right balance between blogging for the world to see and keeping things a little bit more private. Sometimes, on here, you may see my emotions, but don't actually see what event or train of thoughts has me in a state of depression. There are somethings that I just want to keep out of the hands that people in real life just don't need to know about. It's easier to put it all out there for strangers. Because at the end of the day, I don't have to look you (stranger) in the eyes.
I won't pretend to be a perfect Mom. I am not. I won't pretend that my depression doesn't ever get in my way of parenting. Sometimes, it does. But for the most part, I am pretty good at hiding it when I need to. I am raising a special needs child. Just last night, I made a late night run to get something to ease his cold and I started to cry, because of my son's struggles. My son was thought to have autism, but no one thinks that is the case. but no one can tell me why my son didn't talk till he was five and still needs speech therapy. Also, has learning disabilities. All anyone wants to claim is that he has add, but I know it's more than that. Oh yea, and the Dr who said that he is low intelligence.

Read at your own especially if you know me. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Now on marriage, my husband and I have known each other for six years and married only two. We have fought a lot about my grief over depression over the loss of my daughter. He does things and says things that are just plain mean. Our marriage, had a rocky start. My husband is/was addicted to drinking. He has been sober for ten months now. I am proud of him. But I haven't totally forgave him for all the trouble we went through. I suffered emotional abuse. For a period of a month, I was told to use meth to lose weight, because he knew someone who got really skinny when she used it. He respond to my teenage son who was having trouble with the new marriage as a adult. He behaved on the level of a 12 year old. It came down to my son moving to his Dad's.Now, the only one that lives here full time is my young son. Things were growing so far out of control that three out of the four of us got physical with each other. Someone can fuck with my kid so long before I just snapped. I am not making excuses. Physical abuse is never right. We are still strained with money, because I was supporting his habit and he would threaten to walk if I didn't pay for it. We could still lose our house. It's about a 50/50 chance right now.

So, on top of adoption loss, we have been through a lot. I am amazed how my husband is sober and doesn't have a desire to drink. Even, though, it doesn't look like it, our lives have changed for the good. The stopping drinking, has only had one down fall. My husband has zero desire to have sex. It works. But he just doesn't want sex or care if he doesn't have it. If I push, he will give in, but I don't want to force myself on anyone. It's not just sex. I really miss the fun days were we kissed and hugged and just couldn't get enough of each other. For first husband, couldn't get enough. Also, would go to the point of forcing some acts if I didn't agree or if I said no. So, now, I have someone who treats me with respect, in that area of our live, but as just lost interest. It's so frustrating. Sometimes, I just want to be kissed. Sometimes, I want to feel that kiss in my toes. You know the kind. It doesn't mean that I have to have sex. But with him. It's all or nothing. Cheating isn't an option. I love him too much, but I don't like the idea of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.

I feel like my husband is fighting me with everything I do. Like he judges or questions me. Yesterday, I drove my dog to the bike path and walked quite a way. It helped with my depression. When I told him where we been. He said. "Why do that. What is wrong with your neighborhood" My answer is why not? Who wouldn't want to walk along the river. Why is my way of doing something always wrong? If it helped me feel better then why is it wrong?

Lastly, I want to say that I probably make my husband look bad, but he isn't all bad. I, like a lot of people, tend to bitch about the bad stuff and not say how they did good.
So, my husband has been doing better. Sober for ten months and doesn't want to drink. He is working and now pays some bills here and there and helps support our household. He has been more responsible. Making better choices with money. He has been better with my older son. He has tried to make efforts in understand me more even though he usually screws it up.. It's like telling someone your pretty but your nose is really ugly. I might not hear how I am pretty. I just heard that my nose is ugly. Just an example, not something he has said to me. He supports my doll collection. Actually comes home with clothes and stuff for them. He seems pretty secure in our relationship that I can tell him if I think his co worker is cute and actually tells the co worker.
Then, when I come for pizza, at his job, tells me to sit with the cutie and we actually talked a little It felt good to hear some of his problems, because I guess we all have them. Then, my husband tells us both that he knows that I think he is cute. He could have opened the door for a naffair. Half the work has been done. But he trusts me that cute is as far as it goes. He has been supportive of my need of animals!! But he loves them too. So, we do have our troubles and I probably make them seem worse, because I don't blog about the good stuff.

Enough for now. Gonna watch a movie now.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I am a caregiver for the elderly, I had the pleasure of forming a close relationship with a couple that was 96 years of age and then 98 when we could no longer provide the level of care that they needed.
For the past five or six months, I been taking care of a man about the age of 80 years of age. I won't get into why he needs care. He is married so, in a small way, I help the wife too. However she is pretty much able to do things on her own.
I was pushing him in the wheelchair and I have been told that I am the best driver and I smacked him into the dresser. I said, sorry and kind of was like opps didn't mean to crash. He said he will be okay as soon as his arm stops bleeding. Then, we both laughed. He said that he really likes me because I have a good sense of humor. I laugh a lot and take things in stride. We joke around with each other and have a good time.

I don't have that in my home life. I am sad. I am pissed. Sometimes, I hate my husband. Just his opening his mouth pisses me off. He doesn't like me to talk about Izzy too much or I am obsessing. But he can talk about all the drama at work. So, I think a even trade is that I am suppose to limit what I talk about then zip it with the work drama. I have been a royal bitch to him. I can't stand him. I am not full of giggles at home. I don't want to be this way, but I don't see my life has good. I don't fit in anywhere. We are two people who married and then divorced and maybe we are not good at this marriage stuff. Second marriages seems harder than the first. I try to say that divorce isn't an option but more and more I just wish he would leave. It seems like to have a relationship with anyone that I have to force myself on them. I am done trying.
I wish I could be the same person when I was at work. Full of giggles. My nature as a person is to laugh and I mean laugh a lot. I even laugh when I shouldn't. I think that has rubbed off on my boys, because on my good days, we laugh a lot. I feel so alone in the fucking world.
I was thinking about a comment I made in regard to the person who has a sister who is a birthmom and I might have made my sisters look bad. It wasn't my attention to imply that they personally ever told me to shut up. However, they choose not to bring it up. In fact, my brother and little sister knew for years and I didn't know that my secret was out. The shut up comment is just a general feeling, I get because of how I was treated when I was younger. The only person, in real life, that I try to talk to about adoption and he is the one that thinks that I should just shut up. I tend to just not talk to anyone in my family about adoption or my daughter.
My husband isn't all bad, but right now the bad stuff is above the good stuff. I am guilty about tending to blog about what makes me mad and hurt than the good points in our lives.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sometimes, I feel like a third wheel. That I don't belong in my husband's life. Tonight, while I was at work, he did something that made me feel even more like a third wheel. I am tired of men and their double standards. What he did tonight, would never be accepted if I did it.


My followers have really grown. It's really cool. Back in Feb. I wanted to hit 50 and now over 70. It's very cool that so many people like what they see to follow my blog.
I know that I have a lot of adoptive parents and I believe a lot of parents waiting to adopt and birthom's and adoptees who read my blog.
However, my question is to those that are not part of the adoption triangle. Why do you choose to read a blog about adoption? More important so, why do you choose to read a birthmom's blog who may not always be writing about how great life is. I think sometimes, people tend to enjoy reading the happy stories and don't tend to want to know the bad stuff. But here you all are and I am just wondering the why of reading my blog?
Don't get me wrong though. I love that your all reading and I love the comments. When I started blogging, I did it because I needed to write and I still write, because that I need to. But it's nice that I have people that read along.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Faith and Counseling

As I mentioned, I really enjoy church. It gives me hope and dreams and allows me to be in a really upbeat environment. The church radiates something that I can't explain. This is still pretty new for me, because I used to hate church. It sucked! But this is different. Sometimes, I admit, I think they are crazy. I see them using praying and demanding that something is sealed as in jobs or illness and I don't believe that God is that involved in our lives. I can't believe that God would help someone's business turn better profits and allow airplanes to crash into buildings. And allow young children to die before they even get a start on life. I could go on and on but that's why I am not sure on the praying stuff. The other day, I lost my cell phone. Man, I was really hoping to find it and I did at the gas station, but I don't think God has time to listen to my prayer about a cell phone lol I know that God is more than I can understand and that is ok.

I tried counseling with the church and I found the same peace from Pastor K and his wife as a team but not the same results from just her. I even could get that same peace just from Pastor K, but that only happened once because of the man and women thing together lol

The peace was only within me while I was with them. I never carried it much past the door. But I admit that I felt like Pastor K really got me so that I did leave feeling that finally someone actually admits that what happened to my daughter and me sucked! He was the first guy ever to admit that.
L his wife, had her nose to far in the bible to really help me. She was nice and offered her version of a friendship, but it wasn't what I was looking for. She would say things with good intentions like God gave his only son for our sins. But I want to ask anyone who uses this is that would you give up your child for your faith? Once, she told me that it was okay if I never know Izzy in this life, because I will know her for eternity, but only if she is a Christian. I know she meant well, but to me, I heard it's ok that your hurting.
Or we could go on the forgives part of it all. God forgave us of our sins and that I should forgive my Mom for her mistakes. Never. I would like to say that I have a desire to forgive her, but I don't. Somethings are just not forgivable.
However, like I said, church as been a good thing for me. So, even though the counseling didn't really help, but I got something good out of it. I can't hold nothing against Pastor K and his wife. They gave it a shot, but it just wasn't for me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Am I the only person who is married to a man who starts off trying to be nice and just when your thinking Wow, he is being understanding. Then, he sticks his big foot in his mouth by saying something rude before you can even say thanks for being supportive. I think I will just go to bed. I can't get nothing thru his thick skull.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Want to help?

In most states, adoptees can't get their original birth certificate. Or can they get their hands on the medical history if they don't know who their biological parents are. I am trying to help because this blog has brought this issue to my attention. So, I thought I would pass it along.
Go to and vote. It needs more than 300 votes to make it to the top ten.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How many of you watched Little house on the prairie or your kids did? I loved that show. I was so jealous of Laura's relationship with Pa. It was the life that seemed better than mine. But that's not my point.
I like to read a lot of adoption related books, because it helps me see things from everyone in the adoption triangle. Some books I can read without getting all emotional from it and others really hit home.
Well, anyways, I was searching for a book to read at the Library and came across Prairie Tale, written by Melissa Gilbert. Other wise known as half pint. When I picked it up, I didn't know it was going to be about adoption. The book wasn't all adoption, but she was adopted at birth and had some issues with the loss of her birthparents. She had the feeling of being not loved.
She pointed out that she was always searching out for love. Doing things just to say hey love me love me. She said if your own mother doesn't love you enough to keep you then who does? It hurt, because I can see her point. But I wanted to hold the little girl in her and say that birthparents love their child very much. I don't think placing a child for adoption is ever about not wanting them.
It did give me a question to ask other adoptees though. Does the age of your birthparents make the fact that they placed you for adoption any easier or harder? I mean if they are young or older? I think for me the older they are the more it might be harder to not take it as something you did.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Counseling and Faith

I have been going to counseling a little more often. It's hard to explain, but instead of just venting about my losses, I am getting homework to do. I have been keeping track of a daily mood log. Also, I printed my posts on adoption so we can talk about it. I hope it's a step in the right direction.
I tried counseling through the church, but it quickly turned into let's talk over coffee and that didn't work for me. She was nice to me, but I couldn't always feel like what she said was helpful.

One of the big change in my life has been going to Church. I started going when we briefly tried marriage counseling. I can't put my finger on it yet, but going to the services really make me feel better. I wasn't raised in Church or speaking of God so this was a big change for me. It's been a good one. I believe in God. I really do. But I have a hard time believing everything. It's something I still can't quite understand. I get some peace from listening to the band sing Christian music and listening to the message of the day. It lifts my spirit. It makes my dark days a little lighter.
Sometimes, it gives me hope for a brighter future. Sometimes, I hope I can find the Faith that God is really watching out for me and has better plans for me. That he isn't finished with me yet. But I have my doubts still. Because what did I do wrong to make my life the way it is now?
Last night, they were preaching on having Faith and giving God praise for what you have and for what your heart desires on what God will do for you. He said it's not a overnight process where you just suddenly have this faith and not live your life in fear, but where is the book to teach me this process. I have tried to read the bible and don't hate me for saying it, but I don't get anything out of it. However, in church, I hear the message and I get more out of it.
I have a hard time that if I accept God's words as true then I have to accept the devil is real. I have never really thought of the devil and hell as real. Sometimes, I feel like the church is trying to say that as Christians the devil is after us. That we are under attack. Well, if having God on my side, makes the devil my new friend, I am not sure that I want either one.
I guess my biggest concern for thanking God for what he hasn't done yet is going to scare me away. The pastor makes it sound so easy. So, if I thank him for what my heart desires and I don't get it then I will feel like I was fed a line of bull.
Please don't judge me for having my doubts.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

We bought our house three years ago this summer. I wanted to give my son's a sense of belonging to a neighborhood. I didn't want them to grow up and say I remember when I lived here and there and over there. I wanted them to have a place that really felt like home. That is something that I lost after the 4Th grade.
My husband quickly met a neighbor who moved in with Grandma who had to small girls. The oldest girl was the same age as my youngest son. He offered for us to make sure she got on the bus. Also, this little girl, would come over to play and my son would play at their house. It was sweet. My son is a little slower and I liked to believe that she watched out for him and would remind him to grab his book bag.
It wasn't easy having this little girl around, because I don't always handle them well. You could say that I am scared of them. I am scared of getting close.
This school year, it's been primary me the one that has been dealing with her. I have gotten used to her and really like her. Yesterday, her family moved away. I am a little sad. I am sad for my son and for myself. I got to enjoy her being around and now she is gone. She will still be in the same class and I hope we can continue to have a relationship with this little girl.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

One of the people who commented a couple days ago said something to the extent of that she loves her birthmom (even though as of yet she can't find her) just as equally that she loves her adoptive mom and dad. I don't doubt that adoptees do love all parents but for me it has never really been an issue of love.
It's my shame and guilt that I carry. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have the right to brag about my daughter. So, maybe that's why I do talk about her at home to the point where my husband doesn't want to hear it. Because the real world wasn't nice to this 15 year old and even though I am grown now. I feel that I am judged. I feel guilt and shame. I feel that my daughter was unwanted and unloved by my family and that's a hard pill to take. When she was born, Mom and Dad were not trying to see this baby and neither was anybody else. She was just the problem baby that we had to give away. Then, once she was gone. It was problem solved and no one has ever really spoke of her again.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Birthmom's talking to students questions

Recently, I have came across quite a few birthmom's who are new to this journey of life compared to where I am. I am a birthmom from the 90's and a victim to the 90's. I hate to say that these birthmom's are luckier than I was because I don't want to diminish someone's loss of parenting their child. So, I won't say luckier or that they don't feel pain, because that would be doing them an injustice. But I will say that, as of right now, most of them are on a much different path that I was on. Again, victim of the 90's here.
With all that being said, I will get to my point of this post. I see that quite a few of these birthmom's are speaking in the middle and high school's to students. So, I want to learn more about this experience. So here are a few questions for today's birthmom's.

How did you decide to speak to middle and high school students?
Is there a certain group of kids in the schools that you are speaking to or aim to reach?
Besides, sharing your story, what is your main point in your story?
Are you talking about saving yourself until marriage? Birth control?
How do you balance sharing your story about open adoption without making it as something teens should do, because adoption is a blessing?
What do you hope to gain by talking to the students?
Do you find speaking to the students as a form of therapy?

I really enjoy reading the birthmom's blogs of today. I am happy to see a lot of open adoptions so thanks for blogging.