Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I have been quiet. Haven't blogged in a whole week! Nothing new on the job front for my son. We been getting him up and making him leave the house. Yesterday, we made him leave with me as I went to volunteer and he had a couple places he could hit up and of course has bus passes ect to go else where. He was home within 37 minutes of me leaving with him. I swear sometimes the kid must be dumb! If your not going to "look for a job" at least stay out and "pretend to look for a job" I am not saying that I want him to hide and lie to us but come on can't he even be creative and pull a fast one over us like normal kids?? lol

We don't know to keep riding his ass or let him hang himself. He did walk up to a pizza joint that he has applied for and he knew one of the employees from school and he said that she told the manager he is a good kid. So maybe that will pan out. Two of his cousins on his Dad's side by marriage work there too so maybe something could come out of it who knows.

I am afraid my son is just waiting for the job to be handed to him without any effort and oh yea.. he needs to magically get there in 2 minutes or it's too much trouble.

another area where my son seems "dumb" is the neighbor (who my son does chores for) I won't mention what I believe he gives him for exchange. was throwing away a bunny cage and guess the neighbor asked Alex would you Mom want the cage. But what does Alex do. Throw away a bunny cage even though I have three bunnies!!

We seen it out there and asked Alex what it was and he said a bunny cage. Then he felt dumb for not thinking that we might want it for one of our bunnies. It's bigger than the one he was in. We are using it for the bunny that Izzy gave us.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Open Heart Open adoption

I read the book once because I was asked to participate in a book tour. I didn't give my thoughts on the book when the tour came around. I agreed that the author could do a guest post.

I was asked to give my thoughts on it a while back and wanted to read it again but I can't seem to make myself read the book again. I will just try to go what I remember where my thoughts from when I read it the first time and then parts of the second time around.

First, I think the title of the book sets one up to think they are going to be reading more about an open adoption story when in fact it's more of a story about a couple's journey to adoption but is one that is open. I have read plenty of books about the road prospective parents travel down to see somethings from their perspective.

I won't say there wasn't any loving moments in the book but I just felt like it was too much of a story of poor me and this is how we feel and this is how we want things to be done. I felt like the author focused his writing too much on his fears, anxiety and the emotions that go into the waiting game of being chose by a prospective birthmother and it wasn't really a lot focused on the open part of the adoption with the young lady that brought a baby into this world and into their arms.

I might miss a few points that I would have pointed out if the book grasped my attention a second time but will do my best.

I personally think moving the soon to be Mother away from her family and away from the adoption laws they didn't like is unethical. They did it to get away from the birthfather and so the adoption wouldn't be fought. The family only learned things from him from her side of the story and while maybe their is a chance that he didn't want his child adopted out and didn't want to be the father is a very bad thing. However, men sometimes take longer to come around to the idea of a pregnancy as being a real baby and weather is actions were right or wrong.. I find it shady to move her to another state to get the adoption done.

Not only was the soon to be Mother facing an pregnancy she didn't plan for but she was underage. They separated her from her family and she was surrounded by only the prospective parents and their friends and family. The young lady had a father who didn't want to see the child adopted and she was apart from him. She did later get his support of the adoption from a phone call.

I didn't like how it appeared that the birthmother had picked a name for the baby and it looked to me like they had agreed with the name or maybe they were just walking on egg shells trying to agree to anything she said but later got enough courage to ask for one of the two names to be changed. I believe it mentioned wanting to respect her wishes and kept one name. Later on, they decide they want to completely pick another name and asked her if she minded. I believe they go as far as saying how they weren't sure if she was really okay with the change but I just think they were not all that worried about what the soon to be birthmother thought of her feelings.

I think that having the soon to be Mother living with the soon to be adoptive parents is or could be another way to get control of the birthmother to be. It would be harder to have a change of heart after your living with them and get to know them better.

Well those are my main points about this book. I did find it a book that kept my attention but not enough for a second time.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Yesterday, we made Alex get up and get out of the house when my husband drove me to court. I used to fight the issue making him leave but at this point it's not so much an trust issue is that we spend a lot of time doing things for our family and he needs to get off his ass. He has the choice to come with us downtown and could have went a couple places like the unemployment office or hit up a couple places for jobs but he choose to tag along with us and fight with us.

It's a weekend without kids and I have time off from work and he was told in advanced that he isn't to stay home and needs to find somewhere to go. We suggested Dad's, Granda's or his buddies. He insisted he had no where to go and wasn't going to leave. I have to wonder if he does this shit just to get under our skin. The last time I took off and was looking forward to being without kids he came up and took away the weekend that we wanted.

He actually told us this. "you are going to pawn me off on someone else" We were shocked! He is 18 and an legal adult! He is pawning himself off on others. He goes places as he pleases and we have no say.. then we can't be pawning him off. If we dumped my 12 year old on someone else then that would be pawning him off. He went with his Dad who is also his parent so not pawning him off either.

My child's father was friendly as we went into court and looked like he had check stubs. However, he just had a paper showing random dollar amounts and the judge couldn't really figure it out. He asked him what he made and he seemed to skirt around the issue by talking about milage driven and talking about the 11 cents ect. Finally their Dad said he makes 200 to 300 a week and the judge asked what I thought about it. I said I really think that is such a low number for his profession. We have another court date at the end of the next month and he is ordered to bring in actual print out of his earnings.

He did show the paper he showed the judge and I believe he is only showing the amount he got paid on to his bank card that they issue the drivers. So any fee's deducted, taxes or cash advances wouldn't show.

We left court and no one seemed mad. We talked to their Dad about the issue with the weekend and Alex and to his credit he told Alex that even as an adult who isn't paying rent that he doesn't have any say and must stay away. He did offer him up his place for the weekend and Alex kept trying to say how he wants to see his gf on Saturday and also on Friday and Dad seemed willing to work with him on that.

Before we got to court, Alex told us that we never want him around. We bitch when he is home to eat and we bitch when he isn't home to eat. We bitch we want him to get out of the house and we bitch when he leaves. We try to get him out during the day and then he will leave as dinner is being prepared and that's where we get frustrated.

We do get on him sometimes about using too much on one food. I know it may sound petty but when I buy shredded cheese I like it to last for more than one meal and he will put tons on or tons of ketchup. I know it may sound petty but there is only so much of a budget to get food and once it's gone it's gone.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

guessing game

I have court tomorrow. I think I have a little bit of a nervous tummy. Who wants to play a guessing game with me? Guess how much support my ex will have to pay for the one child? At his old job it was 53 so 107 bi weekly cause he got paid bi weekly. He went from a minumin wage job to riving a semi with a team driver. I am guessing his new payment will be 150 weekly? What's your guess? No prizes for winning just something to fun to help my nervous tummy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


I was downstairs getting ready to do zumba and my son's gf walks into his room. (he wasn't home) She embraced me in a hug and started crying really bad. I hugged her back and my heart just melted. I have never held a young girl as she cried. The poor girl was sobbing. She said he was talking about other girls and she broke up with him. I don't know what to do with my kid.

It's just getting worse and worse around here. I have a son who is moving on with his life and not spending time with his family. He ditches most dinner time with us and rarely spends time with us but is dependent on us for a place to stay. If he is going to distance himself. I am so ready for him to move on with his life either living with us and making his own money or living else where.

I see how he is keeping his bedroom. It's trashed! I didn't have the cleanest house when I lived with his Dad and I still don't. It's much better compared to my earlier days. My ex was a slob. I see son is a slob. I think he is suffering from living with his Dad for those few years.

We are suffering because we don't have control in this household like we used to have. I fear my son will steal from us. I have no reason to suspect this. He hasn't stolen from us that we are aware of. Nothing of mine has come up missing. Okay. I lose crap and think someone took it and then find it. My husband thinks it's funny. I guess the reason I feel this way cause people without money might resort to things they otherwise wouldn't.

We keep saying that we are going to give him times to insist he is out looking for a job but yet to do it. I know it's our fault. In my head I want to say you will do this....... and if not then you move out now. It's an struggle that I know will tear my heart into a million pieces if I have to kick him out. I know it's for the best for him.

We want to say if you skip out on dinner and especially five minutes before it's done. (he has done this several times) that the kitchen is closed and don't come looking for food. We know we can't babysit the kitchen and don't want to resort to locking food up so it would be all empty threats. We go to sleep before him on most nights.

I don't think it would be right to lock him in the basement so he can't help himself to food to fill his belly. The part that really gets us is that he doesn't come looking for his dinner but snacks like the fruit and other items I suspect he might be eating. However, if it's something like pizza or one of his favorite dishes then he eats it. It makes us feel like a fair weather friend.

I have personally made it a goal of mine to be a better caregiver to my elderly. It's not that I am not good at what I do. But I need to grow with my clients as their dementia changes and find new ways to handle them and give quality care. It was a challenge but considering that both of my clients got a real shower this week on my shift I think my week was a success at improving. I don't know if it was anything different that I did this week that worked but I had goals in mind to work on improving the quality of life and I kept those extra tasks in mind and did it.

I want to grow as a Mom and make my son grow up to be a person that can take care of his own self. I want him to feel like he a part of this family but at the same time start be a 3rd person that his able to help keep our house afloat.

We are almost two months away from his kick out date. I wish I could get inside my son's head and figure out what makes him tick.

I wonder if at times.. he feels like he was given second best when I bought my house and gave him a room in the basement. If I could do it again.. I would have chosen a 3 bedroom house but can't go back. He made up the storage room and put tile down and he had the option of having 3/4 of the basement for his living quarters but chose to move everything into the bedroom he created.

I am just feeling really sad. I have never held a young girl in my arms as she sobbed. I am not sure Izzy even embraced me that strongly. She cried that she would miss us. I told her she could still come see us. Young love is hard.

Saturday, February 9, 2013


One area reunion has did a makeover on me is my self esteem. I admit I felt like I was ugly. At the best I saw myself as a plain Jane. Reunion has opened my eyes to see myself in a different light. My daughter looks very much like me. We have been asked if we are sister's. I am 15 years older than her so it makes me feel young that someone could think we are sisters. I have let her answer that and she always says that I am her birthmom.

It's hard to keep the bad self esteem because if I look in the mirror and think that I am ugly or plain jane then so is my daughter. I just think she is cute! Pretty beautiful if you ask me. She has the most stunning eyes that I have ever seen.

Last weekend, I hit my 50 lb loss and got into the pants that I bought when I went shopping with Izzy!!

I am sure reunion hasn't just helped my self image of what I look like but I like to think it's done some fixing up for my self worthy to know my daughter. Reunion isn't easy but it sure beats not knowing her.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

freezing tips

We bought a deep freezer. It's not the largest size but not the smartest size. Does anyone have any good tips on freezing food or websites. I am wanting to make batches of soup and save some for lunches or dinners away from work. I hope it can be saved in bowls for conveniences. I might also consider saving leftovers maybe on one of my cool dinner plates with a lid. I don't see myself having tons and tons of meals served so I am not talking about really long term storing in the freezer.

Monday, February 4, 2013

My granddaughter

This is my granddaughter's mad face. She will make a mad or sad face on demand and also when she is demanding of attention or a snack! She is a doll.

I love having her around so much. She is talking more and goes potty in her potty chair. She always says "nana watch me" I love having the moments of doing girl things with her. There was a time where I would have to choke back tears if I was around a little girl. I have been known to push little girls away for fear of the hurt.

Mostly the girls I pushed away was neighbors and not sure if it's different cause my grand daughter is family. I had a very hard time when she was first born due to flashbacks that occur when I am visiting a new Mom with a baby. It's an horrible feeling. One wants to be happy for Mom and baby but one only feels the huge loss as it was yesterday.

We didn't start watching her until she was about 9 or 10 months old and that probably was best for me. It gave me time to recoup and not be overly sad by her presence. I do fear the moment when her Mom might decide not to work or even when she goes to school when she grows up. Due to the fact that she is a step grand child didn't help me any. If I were to lose my husband in any way I know I could lose my grand daughter just based on human nature.

She loves to help me get ready for work. She goes into our bedroom when I get dressed and she jumps. She follows me into the bathroom and we do our hair and makeup. She has to have detangler spray like Nana. She wants make up on like me too. Good thing she doesn't know that Nana stinks at being a woman and doesn't know how to do make up very well.

Our newest thing is that she wants to go downstairs when I go to do zumba in the basement. She will shake her butt and walk circles around me and have fun. Her Mom says she talks about zumba a lot.

My granddaughter can't replace my missing memories with Izzy. However, she can help give me some insight into the life with a young girl.

Friday, February 1, 2013

emotional changes for weight loss

I am so close to my 50 lb lost that I can feel it. It's no longer a dream out there to lose it. It is a reality that it will happen. I will be weighing in today at the Y so check back later to see if my ticker changed closer to the 50 lb lost. It doesn't do halfs so right now I am at 47.5 so it shows 48 lbs.

I have been thinking about my past attempt to lose 50 lbs and I did do it but I don't think I kept it off long or did I have as good as an understanding of what it takes to lose weight. The sad part is that I used a place to lose weight and paid them. If I remember right they did the diary but didn't count calories. They did counting carbs, fruit, veggies ect.

Every week, I had to show them the diary and weigh in. I don't thiink it worked for me due to having a person in person going over my food and weighing me.

However, I think it's more than that. I am at a state in my life where I am no longer in an emotional war within myself trying to be happy without knowing my daughter or having an relationship with her.

I do think the emotional stuff does play a role in gaining weight or losing weight. Eating sweets and fast food was a quick fix to helping my hurting heart.

I think my marriage is at a much better place to than it was years ago. when I lost weight years ago, I tried to lose it so my first husband would love me. I know that sounds horrible. But I never felt like I was good enough for him. I won't go into details why I felt this way.

Not to say my marriage is perfect and we don't have our bumps in the road and I don't still have moments where I hate all men and would like to push him down the stairs. LOL just kidding about the stairs part. I just remember how angry I could get dealing with the drama from his drinking 24/7. He has been sober coming up on 4 years I believe. He can still be an ass sometimes. LOL

This time around I am losing the weight for me. It's not for my husband. Even though I did get pretty insecure about it due to his picking on me for gaining weight since I harped on him for drinking.

It's one of those things that will never go away. It will always be in the back of my head but still I am not doing it for him. It's for me. If he likes the changes then that's cool too. He has been very supportive of all the changes I have made in my life.

I measure my food. I pay for a gym membership and use it. I had to buy workout clothes, zumba shoes and spend more on groceries at time to keep me eating healthier. I have slowly bought myself new clothes to fit my new body. A lot of them have come from the second hand shops but when I realize I fit into a new jean size I have just had to have at least one pair of the new size new. I bought my own zumba dvd's and toning sticks and now I am wanting to look into running shoes because I am intrested in running. I am not sure if I am intrested enough in it to get another pair of shoes. This weight loss can be expensive. I can no longer wear my wedding rings and when I complain that my clothes are falling off with a smile on my face my husband tells me to eat a cookie. LOL

I am sure having Izzy back in my life and an supportive husband is the main reason why I am having such an easier time with this weight loss. Check back later to see if my ticker changed.