Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Time for a little adoption education from me

I just started reading this blog. You can check it out here.

It has inspired me to make a post about education that is needed for people who are trying to adopt a baby.

During the process when a pregnant women is considering adoption and talking to couples who wish to adopt. She isn't a birth Mom. She is her baby's Mom and will be until she signs the papers that removes her rights from the child. Also, she isn't your birthmom. If an adoption goes through then she is your child's birthmom.

Also, I know that when your talking to women who are considering adoption you are on pins and needles and excited and going through a roller coaster of emotions but remember and I tread lightly when I say it's nothing compared to the emotional pulls and struggles she is going through as she is searching for parents and either coming to terms with an adoption plan or decides to bring her baby home and parent.

So, be patient. If she said she will call and doesn't it might be cause she is busy or had a hard day. It doesn't have to mean the worse. Don't take an angry stance with you, because if you talk to her like the baby is already yours then you might really scare her off. Be gentle, remember again, if all goes well for you. You will bring home a new baby for your family and if you goes well for you. She loses a member of her family and lots of other people lose a member of her family. Adoption isn't a win win for everyone. It's about losses.


Life with Kaishon said...

I will go and read the blog. I feel so sad about your experience with adoption. It just pains me. To no end. I read your pain in every post. In every sentence.

Laurie said...

Oh friend, i just went to that blog you linked and it hurt. I cringed through so much of the language she chose and the tone of complaining about this woman who is making the most heartbreaking decision- to place a baby she has been parenting!!! Wow. You should really run far far away from reading that.

And I read the above commenters last comment on your blog. I am concerned when she says her child's birthmother is called "mother" and she doesn't know who she is. What? You are his Mom, of course. When you adopt a child you are their mother. They need a mother that is FULLY commited to the role and it does not take away from their first mother for you to refer to her as that. That is a new one for me to hear.

birthmothertalks said...

I choose to stop following the blog. She is going to move to private anyways and I don't need to read stuff like that.
As far as the comment, I am sometimes guilty of multitasking and didn't really think about what she might be implying about not knowing who she is. You are right, you can honor the first/birth mom without taking away the role as Mom to the child.

WP said...

Ouch, that was a tough blog to read. (the link) It's too bad she is going private, she could use some honest feedback. :( Nice post on your part. I know it can become very draining to continue swimming against the current.

Tracey... said...

I didn't see a way to email you back so I am writing you commented on my blog today....SAYING....

If a child has a learning disability do you believe in them using multiplication charts, calculators and number charts to do their math?
My son without all the help (helping devices) scores much lower than grade level in reading and math and they are sending him on into middle school? Do you believe he can catch up when his skills are that of a much younger student?
We do work with him and try very hard. He sits and does about 2 hours of homework every night.

Your child having a learning disability is a different story then the regular ed kids....I don't feel there is a problem with LD kids using multiplication charts, calculators and number charts...its a tool to help them...they need to learn what works so they can learn better...I think it's also crazy that they expect LD kids to perform the same as reg. ed kids. I don't know him or his LD problems so I wouldn't know if he'll be able to "catch up" .... if you don't want him passed on to middle school...tell the school that....sorry I couldn't be of more help.

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks Tracy,
My son has an IEP and they say that they can't keep drilling second and third grade work because he will just get further behind. Also, they say that they can't hold him back because if a child with an IEP has any improvement then they have to go forward. I am going to see a friend friday that taught for many years and I am going to see if she thinks we have any options.

Adoptee said...

blog owner went private before I could read anything, bummer.

Sammy said...

Hiya. Found your blog through Jessica's Anderson Happenings.
I agree totally with this post. (We are adoptive parents)
Rupi's birth mom was 14 when she chose not to abort and chose adoption. 14 years old. The mind boggles at her courage and conviction. In NZ the whole system is completely focused towards the birthparents pre adoption. They work through every scenario with the birth parents giving them to time and space to make the decision. And they have 12 days after birth in which to change their minds. Only then can they sign the adoption papers.
Adoption does involve loss. Immeasurable loss for Sweatpea. We see her lots and I love her dearly but WE are bringing Rupi up, not her. It does something in me when I see her kiss him. It brings tears to my eyes and I hope on some level being so open is helping her.
An open adoption is sometimes so hard (for us)But it's never been an option. To be honest we have thought less of what is good for Sweetpea and focused on what is good for Rupi. He needs to know and love Sweetpea. But in doing this for Rupi we have found we have built the most amazing relationship with Sweetpea.
Anyway, this comment is all over the place...! Just wanted to say I agree!

birthmothertalks said...

Hi Sammy,
Thanks for your comment. I was the same age as your child's birthmom was when I became pregnant with my daughter. Abortion was never an option for me. I didn't really choose adoption. It was pushed on me because I didn't have parents that would support me in raising my daughter. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that they didn't because they were not even being parents to their four kids.
I think all states should give more time for the birthparents to be 100% sure that adoption is their choice. I know that more time could mean that adoptive parents experience heartache because the Mom changed her mind, but in the end I feel that the Mom and the child come first. I hope that doesn't seem harsh. I have heard of adoptive parents wanting to adopt in certain states because it secured their role in being the parent faster. It sounds like you are a good Mom that respects and accepts that your child has family out there that loves him just as much as you. And what kid couldn't use more people loving them and pulling for them? I just recently came to me even though that some adoptees feel loss or could.. that in some ways they are special because they have double unconditional love from parents.