Wednesday, May 30, 2012

is it normal to be jelous of have kids if ir a birthmom?

Someone found my blog by searching the topic that I posted and I wanted to blog about it. I am assuming they meant is it jealous to be jealous of women with kids if I am a birthmom?

My first answer is hell yes. The years between having my daughter which was placed for adoption and until 3 years later when I had my first son which I raised was crazy. I used to say a pregnant girl and feel sad. If I seen someone with a baby/toddler... I might have even given them dirty looks and there is a good chance I growled at them because I was jealous. I am just kidding about growling but it made me very sad.

My second answer is that it does get better if and when you have a child to raise. I don't mean to imply that the kept child will replace the child placed for adoption because it won't. Even if someone implies that the pain will go away. Don't listen. Baby #2 or #3 or 4 doesn't make things better.

It does make you feel less jealous because you get to experience Motherhood. You may still have a bit of jealousy over somethings especially if you lost a daughter and never grew yourself another one. I will never experience being a Mom to a daughter. Even though I am a reunited birthom and I have a step daughter.

I try really hard not to think of all the things I don't have. I am extremly lucky that I have a step daughter and step son and they accept me in their fathers life. I have Izzy in my life and I know not all birthmom's are this lucky.

I have a grand daughter born to my step daughter that I love with all my heart. She is the cutest little thing. I get to see her in the cute dresses and shoes. Once in a great while, when I can afford it, I get to buy cute girly clothes for her. I get to watch her grow listen to the cute things that come out of her mouth.

She has started to laugh when she burbs. So, she burbed and I said "excuse you" Now, she burbs and says "excuse you" When she is hungry she says cheese, yogurt and banana and has recently started saying snack.

Last week, she had already had enough snacks so papa said no and she looks at me and says nana "snack" It was so cute. I love her. Don't get me wrong. I was jealous and had a very hard time when she was born but I luckily came to love her and not see her girl things as in I am sad I didn't get to witness this. Now, I am happy because I get to see my grand daughter do this.

Being a birthmother isn't an easy road and it's good that you see that your jealous and I hope that you can work your way through that. The next time you feel jealous of a Mom and child.. think of me growling and enjoy watching the two.

I can't say where but I was helping someone look thru somethings and she came across pictures of her adopted son that died pretty young. My mind went to the birthmother who has lost two children to adoption and how one of them is dead. Wondering if she ever tried to search for her children? Wondering if she has ever thought that one of them could be dead? I am wondering if the birthmother is still alive? If the adoptive Mom is elderly and alive.. I guess there is a chance that she could still be living too. I just can't imagine not searching... I just can't imagine never knowing the outcome of my children's life... and I just can't imagine learning that my child is dead.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I made personalized coffee cups for Izzy and her boyfriend and filled them with candy. Yummy!! I meant to mail them to her because I love the surprise effect of sending a gift especially if it's not a birthday or holiday. Honestly, I just got too cheap and didn't feel like any of the recent weeks were right to spend the money on shipping and too lazy to stop and mail them. Then, there is the issue of chocolate so I just can't leave them sit in the car to do on the way home from work. I never want to leave early because I spend the morning with Stephen.

My daughter and her boyfriend will be visiting and most likely she will come to Alex's gradation party and we will probably go out to dinner. Do I just give the coffee cups to them while they are here? I have never given her bf anything and don't want to cause a weird face to face meeting besides the one we already had.

Since, I am thinking about that moment, I might as well blog about it. I believe it was only the second or third time I had seen Izzy and we met at Pizza hut and shared a pizza and it was just me Izzy and her boyfriend. While it was the three of us conversation went pretty smoothly but then Izzy went to go use the bathroom.

It was the longest few minutes of my life. The boyfriend and I just kept looking at each other and felt like we should say something but neither one of us had a clue on what to say and that was about all we could say was that we didn't know what to say. I think we each let a giggle escape cause it was so odd.

What would you do? Would you give them to them while they were here? Or wait to send it to get the surprise effect from getting a gift in the mail? Do you think the chocolate will be okay? I suppose I could take the chocolate out of them and freeze them or eat them. Yummy! and get more when I know I am ready to send them.

Monday, May 28, 2012


This Friday Alex officially gradates from high school. He will have a small gradation and then cake and punch at the school. We tried to have a small party for him on Sunday but his Dad wanted to have it at the church that they attend. While, I didn't have an issue with having a party with his Dad being there and helping plan it together... I just didn't want to be it a party where we bring our own meat. He said they would be having a cookout and we would just bring our own meat. I don't know if the cook out at the church was related to my son's gradation but I wanted to feel like my husband and I had a part in planning it.

I have decided to have a party at my house Monday evening and mostly plan on having everyone hang outside. I wanted to be able to invite people and not to say you have to bring your own meat. I haven't figured out all I am planning on doing. Right now, I am debating between cheap pizzas and soda or chicken from walmart or just have some cookies or cupcakes. My son's father was was suppose to have a cake made and it was an agreement that if we paid for the cap and gown that he would get the cake.

I don't know if my son's father will even show since we have went against his idea of the party being at the church. The very good news is that Izzy is going to be in town and most likely will stop over for the party.

We often try to do include my ex husband in the children's stuff but it almost always causes more stress that I personally think it's worth. I don't mean the worth of having their father but just the stress it causes all of us trying to come to an agreement.

I keep thinking about what to have and I just am not sure. I can't afford to spend too much money and it is summer so that is an issue with storing food if it's sitting out for too long.

blaming someone else

I have read a few different blogs lately that seem to be blaming some health problems on the birthmother and the pregnancy. It's just not blogs. I know someone that lost an adoptive child to a mental illness and says you never know what you get when adopt.

Really? Do we really know what we are going to get when we have kids by birth? Shit happens. It just does and we are not always in control of it.

Now, I know that there are things that can be done to grow a healthy baby and things that can be done if your doing unhealthy things. In my area, we have two woman wanted for killing their children. One was drug related and one was she didn't feed him. It's very sad that these babies didn't get a chance at life due to their mother's hands.

I have been pregnant three times and gone into labor three times. Two out of the three pregnancies I had prenatal care and the first one I didn't. My daughter was born full term and went "home" 24 hours after birth.

My second pregnancy with prenatal care was full term and he had to spend an extra day at the hospital because he choked and turned blue. Besides, the little mess up of choking he came home and did really well with drinking his formula and all that.

My third pregnancy was full term but was the worst labor and the one where I had the most intervention. Of course, I had prenatal care. He was born and didn't cry and I feared the worst. But was revived with medical attention. I don't meant to say that he was dead but don't remember what they did to make him cry. It was probably too much pain medication. I thought he was okay but about six hours after his birth I went to get my tubal ligation and when I came out he was in the NICU.

My youngest son had tons of reactions to his formula and we changed it many times before we ended up using the easiest formula to digest. It think it was Aliumentom. I spelled that wrong. He just had horrible collic and made up for not crying at birth.

My son is on the autism spectrum, add and had lots of sensory issues and he has over came quite a few of them thru therapy. As much as I have banged my head on the wall wondering if there was something I did or didn't do.

This post isn't geared toward any certain blogger. It's been on my mind for a while. I respect that bloggers are not always sharing the bigger picture with what they know about the birthmother's pregnanies or the unknown stuff making your mind wonder when the baby you adopted turns out to not be perfect but they are perfect because you love them right?

I often wonder if dreaming up that the birthmother is responsible is an way to kick her to the curb? Or is some of it resulting from jealousy that you didn't get to grow the baby and if there are problems then it must be someones fault right? It could be but chances are that it could be that life just throws us a couple lemons and it's up to us to make lemonade.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Whisper my secret by JB Rowley

Has anyone read this book? I stole my son's kindle and been getting free kindle books but this is the first one that I paid for. This is a true story. It's very sad but it's also a sweet love story. This story is written during the war days and for the record it is adoption related. I don't want to say too much so I won't spoil the story for those who want to read it. Just for the record.. I might try to blog about it further so if you see my post on it again and haven't read it then cover your eyes.

You can visit the authors blog here.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

am I nuts or him?

I learned that on my childrens two day visit with their Dad that they spent one night with the neighbor. She has expressed way too much interest in my son and calls him nephew which makes me sick. I don't know her but I just feel like its wrong for my sons to sleep over at her place. I just ticked off my ex because I tried to talk to him about it. I asked is she going to die trying to save them? Is she going to be aware if my son sleeps walks? My ex tells me I should invite her to lunch and talk to her about my concerns. Hello?? He only has them 4 days out a month. Is it asking too much that he keeps them? It's hot isn't a good enough excuse. I don't want to turn my ac on yet so I will just send my kids to the neighbor. I don't think so. If it's a serious enough problem then the children could just stay home but being hot isn't it.
I am the Mom and I should be the best judge on what my son should be doing and going. He has never done a sleepover. The closest he has came is sleepaway camp and tomorrow he has a lock in at school. Am I right in fact that these things are quite different than just staying with the neighbor. This is the same neighbor that my ex admitted that Alex would go hang out and fall asleep and not come home. What responsabile person is going to let the teen fall asleep and stay asleep and what responsible dad goes to sleep and not knowing that the kid is in safe??? Sorry for venting.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I heard about an 9/11 operator was sleeping on the job and a caller who called could hear him snoring. They were talking about how the operator snoring was bad and wrong it was and all and how it caused confusion even when another operator picked up and he/she could hear the snoring. She thought it was the victim. In the end, no one was hurt by this person sleeping.

However, it did mention that the snoring operator was on his 17 hour of working. They just said it but didn't say no more or less about the fact that he had been working for 17 hours. I don't care how good of an employee you are at your job or how hard you try to stay awake you can't work 17 hours and still do a good job. We need to sleep and I would think anything longer than a 12 hour shift for is too long.

Monday, May 21, 2012

I found a longtime friend on facebook or she found me. I don't remember who found who. Well, anyways, she wrote me to call her and we talked on the phone for about 40 minutes. She sounds so different and we actually both have a son with the same name and both likes to eat lots. :)

We both have five kids between us but I skirted around the fact that I have my daughter. When I last seen her I was about 16 years or 17 years old and I never told her about my daughter. It just feels weird to say by the way.. I have 3 kids and my oldest is 21. The math doesn't add up.

She might know about her because I have it written down on my facebook profile. She suggested we meet half way with our husband and spend the weekend together. I don't know if I can get my husband on that band wagon or if we can afford the trip. I think it would be kind of fun.

Don't ask don't tell policy

I am going to try to write about my opinion on don't ask don't tell policy on anything that comes to my mind and not just related to drugs.

I think a don't ask don't tell policy is sort of like giving the teen or even spouse a get out of jail card. Sort of like I can sleep around on my husband and it's okay as long as he doesn't ask me if I am sleeping around or I don't admit it. The real world don't work like that. If I sleep around it may or may not end in my marriage ending. Just because my husband doesn't know that I have a hot boyfriend on the side and I don't tell doesn't mean that my life or his life isn't going to suffer the side of effects of me having an fling. Not only could my life change due to my affair but my whole family could suffer these effects. Just for the record.. I don't sleep around.

Don't ask don't tell policy on drugs. If I ever came to my teen and told him I am not going to ask you about drugs and you don't tell me about drugs. I think that would be living in denial.. what I can't see or hear won't hurt me. Wrong. He maybe happily screwing around with drugs and it not hurt me cause I don't know about it. but... what if he were to get into heavier drugs and overdose? Or gets bad drugs and have a bad reaction? That's going to hurt me if my son is sick or dead from drugs. I think if my son knew I was using that policy that it would be like given a get our of jail free card as in Mom doesn't care what I do.. If I stand my ground and say I don't like drugs and you shouldn't do them and I better not find them in my house.. Then if he gets arrested.. I feel like I could stand my ground better and say you did it to yourself ect. However, with the policy.. I think I would feel more like it was my fault and therefor I should help him.

Speaking of the legal terms of drugs... I think having a don't ask don't tell policy when it comes to drugs or even other lives issues is setting them up for the opposite of the real world. If you get pulled over and the cops suspect drugs or drinking.. the cops are not going to use a don't ask don't tell policy. Unless, of course it's the end of their shift and they are too lazy to bring you in and do the paperwork. Or if the teen is so dumb they ask the cop if they want a hit or drink of their beer! Using a little bit of humor.

I can think of one huge error on the don't tell don't ask policy within myself and my teen years. No one asked if I was having sex and I didn't say gee Mom.. I am going to do this and how do you prevent an pregnancy? Not that we had an agreement don't ask don't tell but I wasn't telling and she wasn't asking. That didn't stop me from becoming pregnant and don't ask don't tell I am pregnant didn't stop a baby deciding she was ready to be born. Life still happens. Speaking of that.. I really think I need to buy protection for my son because he is 17 almost 18 and has a girlfriend but I don't allow anyone at my house and that includes her. My son's room is in the basement and all too easy. But I shouldn't fool myself in thinking if he wants to get laid and if she is willing that it won't happen. I don't need him coming home with a baby and I can't turn a baby away.

This reminds me of how before I stopped the girlfriend of coming over how she gave him an hickey and my ex saw it and says if he gets some girl knocked up hope he don't expect me to help. I didn't think about it but we were young still when we had our first son. We were both 18 and had jobs but not good ones and we needed help. Both our families helped us when he got me "knocked up" I guess we are all guilty of forgetting that we were young too and messed up.

Well those are my reasons on don't ask don't tell. I know that teens are not always going to tell the truth and are always going to try to offer up as little as information as possible so in the end will the parents questions and drilling make a difference. I am not sure but it's worth a try.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I did the craziest thing and spent 100 bucks on two pairs of shoes for myself. I got a pair of new balance for everyday use and a pair of Nikes that said good for Zumba!!

It was a lot of money but after a few weeks of zumba my cheap Kmart shoes were tore up. I have done Zumba three times this week and hope to go tomorrow to make it four. I am forming a new addiction. :) I took my sister with me today so it was the first time she went to Zumba. I have been trying to step outside my comfort zone and just live life. It's weird how I don't think nothing of shaking my butt in front of strangers but it's more personal with family. I could never do it with her if she just watched but she was shaking her butt too so it all worked out.

My husband has been occasionally brought up the situation with the pot smoking and even though he says he doesn't condone it but talks about a don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to try to blog in the next day or so why I don't think as a parent I am doing good if I use the policy don't ask don't tell.

We had to almost force Alex to go with his father this weekend. He doesn't want to go and I don't blame him but he has been told how to not have to go and that would be have a job to go to.

I talked with the kids Dad and he admitted that he was a bad husband and a bad father and wants to work forward and not being up how he was bad and I agree bashing him for the past isn't going to fix anything but we are dealing with issues because of his part in my son failing out of high school or my son being his own person too much.

My ex wants us to meet with the pastor of his church and not sure if it would fix anything. In November my son is going to be 18 so I don't know what if anything is going to change. I do know that my son is responsible for his actions and I can't be at his hip. Their Dad got on me cause I make ALex walk to look for jobs. I do offer rides and take him places but at times he should walk or take the bus too for his job search. Guess what? I have a job.

Besides.. I could take my son to these places and unless I hold him by the hand he could rob the places and not apply. Haha throwing in a little humor. In the end, it's my son's choice to look for work and take advice from those that have jobs. If he gets tossed down the road cause he isn't working.. he will know in his heart if he gave it his all or not.

Well, I have to get ready for work. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

Friday, May 18, 2012


My Mom moved out of her house that her husband owned but she continued to pay the mortgage after he went to prison and then released and died. She kept paying but came to the decision to move out and let the bank take the house. She wasn't/ isn't any legal obligation to pay it. I guess her name was never on the home loan.

I went by the house and noticed that there was a sign on it so I am guessing the bank took it. My Mom wouldn't been notified since she quit living in it. It kind of surprises me that I don't have any feelings for the house. I find it sad that the house looks lonely already. It looks unloved and all that goes along with an empty house. It's just me personally I don't feel anything for the house as in memories or a family house.

That's probably cause I only lived there for a year or maybe a year and half. I remember my Mom suddenly being home for us and cooking meals but the roles reversed. I had a part time job and I met my future husband (now ex) I remember how my stepdad gave me my own phone line and they set up a room in the upstairs of the house to be the children's living room so we had cable tv and so you didn't catch me sitting in the living room. I remember my Mom actually commenting on how I was never hanging out downstairs with her. I guess just too much time had passed and I didn't need to be around her.

With the house being taken by the bank and Mother's day passing it reminds me of how all contact from and to my Mom is gone. I don't know where my Mom lives. I don't have a number for her. I don't know if she has my number or not. I haven't seen her since Christmas. I just don't know what's ever going to happen between my Mom and myself.

Maybe, I am waiting for her to be sorry for taking my daughter from me and forcing me to raise my brother and sister. Maybe, I am waiting for her to be happy that I am in reunion with Izzy. I haven't actually talked with her about my reunion but my little sister has showed her pictures of the two of us together. I think there is a big part of me that fears my Mom could take my daughter away again. She did it once, right? My daughter or talk of her makes her uncomfortable so wouldn't it make sense to try to turn Izzy against me.

With my oldest son dipping his hands into pot... it reminds me of all the crazy things in my mind that my Mom did to get drugs. I don't care what anyone says but if you will take your children into an unsafe neighborhood to buy drugs or give drugs to your children to hide then you are choosing drugs over your children. Or if you will deal drugs in front of your children and grandchildren then your thinking is screwed.

Maybe, someday, I will have a relationship with my Mom. Honestly, I don't know if I have the patience for it though. I don't feel like I can risk the depression.

On a side note about houses. My childhood home that we lived in until I was in the middle of 4th grade has memories and I cared about it but they lost it for not paying taxes on a 10,000 dollar home or maybe it was 20,000. I put the dollar amount to humor you all and make ya think about wishing ya could buy a dream home for ten grand or so. It was actually a two family house and had a little house in the back that was haunted by a witch!! lol Yep, so I do have good memories growing up. The house was tore down to build a Walgeens but our childhood donut shop is still there. Yummy!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

May 15th

My husband had wrote on May 15th that it was T Day.. not using his name for privacy reasons... I thought it was just to humor us because of Mother's Day and my birthday being in May. I remember thinking to tease him cause it was T day but I went to work and forgot about it.

At dinner he reminded me what May 15th was and why it was T day. It's been three years since he quit drinking. Honestly, I still remember it was in May but had forgotten the actual day that I got the phone call that he was in the hospital from having a seizure.

I am really proud of him but his situation is different than it might be for some alcoholics because he doesn't have the cravings to drink. I am wondering if the seizure did something to alter his thinking.

So Happy birthday to my husband... better late than never.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

We had part two of an assessment done for Stephen. The results are that we all scored him high for ADD. We are going to probably end up seeing another doctor there that can prescribe medication if we choose to go this route. I don't want anymore medication but I can't deny that he has a problem. He said that with ADD it's harder to tell if the medication is working or not and I don't want to use medications if people can't tell the difference from night and day.

We went on a school day again and I don't want to make a habit out of it. I noticed other children that we had seen two weeks ago there again. School days are for school. I told the doc how the one week when we had two appointments one with him and one with the lady that is going to be doing counseling with my son that it really just set our week off. My son tends to thinking that clinic = fast food and it was on his mind all week. It probably didn't help that we missed his lunch hour and stopped and got lunch. It helps that I now know that if he misses his lunch hour that they will still feed him.

The doctor suggests that we set up one day a week and not have going to fast food restaurants up in the air as we will go if we have time or go if we have money.. Ect. He says that maybe my son could even do something un school related to earn fast food.

The thing is that I see his point but I don't want to say that on every Monday we go get fast good. I really am trying hard not to eat it and it still amazes me the calorie count in that crap. I think his idea would take the stress off of the begging for it but not sure I want to feel like we have to get fast food cause it's Monday.

He said that he liked the way we handle his fits that he throws when he gets mad and wouldn't suggest we do anything different.

I really don't know if I want to continue going to this clinic or not. If the counselor continues to be able to work in in on non school hours then I am okay with that. However, if he is going to need to see doctors for medication and then to judge how the medication is going and missing school left and right I just can't accept that on a normal basis.

The doctor did suggest that we don't give in to the children's father wanting him every weekend. He said he thought it was too much and that we need to have Stephen home for times besides the daily grind of getting to waking up.. eat breakfast.. take medication.. brush teeth.. go to school.. come home do homework.. play or watch a little bit of tv... eat dinner... take medication... brush teeth.. go to bed and then do it all over again.

working out

My husband thinks I should take Alex to the Y if I take Stephen and I have caught Alex watching me do zumba and kind of teases me about it. I agree we need to take Alex places to keep him busy. I got an idea that I could hire Alex to take Stephen around to do some cardio and weight lifting. Stephen likes to do this stuff but needs someone to be around him. I would be expecting him to be working and hanging out with him for an hour or up to half. I am thinking once or twice a week. What would be a fair dollar amount to pay him to work out with his brother? I need it to be affordale to me and also I want them to really do it. The last time they hung out at the Y they had sodas and ice cream.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's Day all the Mom's out there. May your day been filled with joy and love and a little relaxation for you. I know for some that Mother's day is bitter sweet and that includes myself in a couple different ways. I have had a really nice day.

My husband drove my two sons and I out to the little zoo near our town. It was small and cute and I loved all the furry animals. I took lots of pictures and really had a nice time. I heard from my daughter on facebook and she sent me a text wishing me a happy Mother's day. I think on the text she called it mamma's day. She reminded me she is coming and we should get together.

I heard from my step daughter and she said she is going to stop over with a present. She is so sweet. I love that I have two daughters now. It's like I get a bonus daughter for missing mine for so long.

After the zoo, we went to a forest preserve and walked around a little bit. It was so peaceful except for we were thirsty and free water from the pumps seem to be a thing of the past.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I have always admitted that I feel jealousy and sometimes down right anger that my daughter has another Mom. It's something that I have to accept and when she talks about her Mom... I can't growl and change the subject. It's not that I talk to her too much and getting together for lunch or nails isn't happening cause she moved away. She is coming home soon so hopefully I will get to see her then.

I got really bitchy with my husband today and honestly I think I had a reason to be pissed. He didn't tell me that my oldest son went to go babysit so I went all night and into the next morning thinking he was home. My husband was off with his daughter and I am making french toast for Stephen and I send him down to see if his brother was awake and he knew that brother was gone but I didn't. For the record.. I was at work in the evening. I felt like I was either lied to or mislead to believe he was home and if it was all innocent upset that my husband could forget to tell me something so important. My son's bedroom is in the basement and what if we had an emergency such as a fire and I die trying to save a child that isn't even home.

Back to the adoption thing and the two Mom's. Being upset with my husband made me think of how I wouldn't put up with my husband having a second wife. I do have to put up with my daughter having two Mom's although I use the word "mom" lightly for me because it's not the same. I guess it's natural that holidays like birthmother's day and Mother's Day and some of the other holidays are going to send me off the edge for a while. This did give me some insight on how Izzy's Mom might feel about sharing her with me. I am sure she envisions pushing me off a cliff. I am still not over the fact that Izzy's Mom lied to our daughter about talking to me about an upcoming trip that was suppose to be a surprise. I would like to believe it was innocent but not sure it was.

It's something that I would have thought reunion would have cured and it sure beats the other option of not having contact but my heart still aches at times for more.

I can't forget how lucky I am that I know my daughter and have her in my life. I know there are other birthmom's out there that are not so lucky and have been rejected by their children not wanting to know them at this moment. I hope when the time is right that more adoptees can open up their hearts to be more accepting of the family that loved them first. For those that are still searching.. don't give up hope. Keep searching and I hope the future holds the chance for a reunion.

birthmother's day

Today, is birthmother's Day. It's something I never heard of until I came onto the land of blogging. Personally, I don't celebrate it but I am shocked that Hallmark hasn't snatched this one up to make money. Then again, how weird would it be picking out a sad sorry you don't have your kid card? It shouldn't surprise me that it's not known by many people cause it's just another example how birthmother's are swept under the rug. After all... what is there really to celebrate when it comes to adoption loss? I am sure we can celebrate the children are alive cause the Mother's didn't abort the children. But is that worth celebrating? I don't mean that badly but if abortion was never on the table then it's not really an issue with adoption. I know some may say that the birthmother walked away and let the child have a good life but I just don't feel like walking away is a cause for celebrating.

I celebrate Mother's Day but sometimes it's not really a happy day. My family will never be complete. There is always a daughter missing from my day. I am not my daughter's Mom and that title belongs to someone else. It's something that I just have to deal with. I am in a much better place since I am in reunion with my daughter but she is so far away now.

I tried to write this post and not have it so sad and boring but it's the best that I can come up with and for that I am sorry.

Friday, May 11, 2012

New blog to check out.

Remember my retreat for Mom's with special needs children? I met a lot of nice ladies who know the challenges of children with disabilities. It gave me the feeling that I am not alone and also that there are Mom's with children with illnesses that require wheelchairs, feeding tubes and some Mom's raising children that have a life expectancy for their children based on their disability.

I connected with a few Mom's on facebook and one of the Mom's with a daughter on the autism spectrum started to blog and I thought I would share her blog with you all. You can check her blog out here.

Her daughters are pretty young and her struggles remind me of some of the struggles I went through when my son was much younger. My son is 12 years old and we have our own set of problems but her story and struggles are reminding me how far we have come and how hard my son and myself have worked.

Well, anyways, check out her blog if your up to something new to read.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

little of this and that

It seems like the stress level around my sons just kind of goes in waves. I know that a lot of times... I just need to be more patient. Last night, Stephen filled his humidifier and asked my help on putting the water part on the base. I turned it upside and water poured out on his dvd player and some of his papers. I yelled at him and after he went to bed I kind of felt bad. He can't help it that he is silly and doesn't do things perfect. As much stress that Stephen gives us through being a silly kid who is living in a fast paced world even though he moves in turtle speed... I got to remember that it's not easy for him either.

I been noticing things in him that I have to say are little examples of him growing and thinking of others. Sometimes, he says things that might come off mean but I know it's not normally his intention. The other day, I heard him tell my husband when a commerical was on for men to get rid of the gray. He says to his stepdad maybe you should get some of that but not trying to be mean.

He has been a little more accepting that we all like green peppers and onions and hasn't been complaining about it. He even ate them in the chicken fajitas just asked me not to put the real big ones on it.

Today, he was asking me to borrow him money cause it's Mother's Day coming up and he would pay it back. Then, he turns around and asks his stepdad to talk to him alone. I missed out on him asking cause I was goofing with my phone but I did hear him say in your bedroom. So darn cute. He talks very loudly and I got parts of the conversation but it's okay.

Things seem to be a little less stressed over Alex too. In a matter of a week, he broke our railing to the stairs and the handle on our door moving furniture and it ticked me off really bad. But we told him he has to pay for the parts for it to be fixed. I joked around that he had to pay 135 for the labor. That's what Sears would have charged us to fix our stove an hour if we didn't have our home warranty. I think my being ticked over the stuff broke was more of it all being the tip of it all.

He lost in his IPOD. The Xbox he said he repaired but it looks different. He broke his Kindle by trying to be cool and make it something it wasn't. We learned this when I took it away from him cause of him coming in at 2 am last week. My husband spent 3 days restoring it back to a kindle and I am really liking having a kindle.

I think with Alex I have to quit comparing my childhood to his childhood because they are very different. Yet, I do struggle with trying to come with an equal balance of it all. I don't want to be the kind of parent that does nothing but at the same time I don't want to do too much for him.

I have been very lucky that my husband tried hard with my children. He isn't working but he does his fair share between the kids and the house. He has been really supportive of making the YMCA fit into our life. I go anywhere between twice a week and at the most five. I would say it averages out to be 3. I have been trying harder to include Stephen and my husband things if Stephen goes Alex should go. I have been going to Zumba so we are not really hanging out. I really don't mind bringing them with me as long as I still get to on once in a while on my own. My husband and I are sort of different in our personality types. I am not a home body. I enjoy my work but also want and need to do things outside of work. I get out with friends and never felt like he tries to keep me in.

I am sorry that this post was kind of all over the place. All is pretty well right now. Alex has his official graduation next month and I am excited but also not trying to think too much about it. I gradated at the same school and the gradation isn't all exciting like it would have been if he stayed in a normal school. I know in the end the gradation is such a small thing. I didn't feel like this school and it's the same one that I went to did really justice in motivating the children and how they delt with the students. I think it takes a special person to teach at a place like that.

Well, I rambled on long enough.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I was writing in my private blog for Izzy and I was writing about my pregnancy with her. I wrote about not recalling having any cravings while pregnant with her but I did with my sons.

Not to say that cravings are not real because I remember working at McDonald's pregnant with my first son and smelling Taco Bell!!! I just wonder if your pregnant and alone and especially hiding a pregnancy if any cravings that I would have gotten was just not fed into. As in I couldn't tell my daughter's father that I am craving this or that and send him on a run to get it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Child support

I noticed someone blogged how many days until child support is on card?

I don't know if your still sticking around to read but it takes about a week after the non custodial parent gets paid. Maybe, ten days. Every since, mine has got going it's been coming bi weekly.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

part time job

My part time job is babysitting at a church that put up a sign at the YMCA for help. I have been going in on Sunday's at 10 am. That is 30 minutes before church starts and church lasts an hour. They have a rule that children need to have two people with them. I am a paid worker and the other person is a volunteer.

At the end of the summer, it's been almost two years. I really like it and the money helped me afford payments on a sectional that I couldn't have afford. Now, that it's paid off.. I think of the payment paying on my phone bill.

I have always felt like I have to hunt down paper towels and tissues. I don't believe it's my place to provide these items. Once, after a big celebration for when the pastor retired, I came in to the nursery smelling and had to empty the trash and ask for a trash bag.

Typically, I was only have 1 to 3 children but honestly averaging only one. If it was two it was cause on some weeks I bought my grand daughter. Every since the pastor retired his daughter hasn't been back yet and she was the only one that brought her child in consistently. There is one or two children that could be in the daycare but to their parents credit they stay with their parents for the service.

I only get children 3 and under or it might be 4 and under. I don't recall what is the age is that they go up to bible classes. I know in the summer I had more kids because they didn't do the classes during the summer.

The daughter of the pastor came up with the idea that they would come up with a lesson plan and I would teach about God. I am not super religious but I tried my best. They provide some crafts but a lot of the lesson plans call for items that we all may have around the house or may not. Personally, I didn't have much luck getting the attention of a 2 year old so sit for more than 30 seconds to do the lesson plan.

Lately, there haven't been any children since the pastor retired. I mostly sit in the nursery and clean up or I have a few times sat in on the service. To the credit of the church they faithfully pay me.

Last week, I water the plants and hundreds of ants came off the plant and it grossed me out. I filled the sink with water and was smashing bugs. I am killing God's creation in a church. :) Well, anyways, I told the person that I have been told to tell maintenance things and he said he would take care of it.

I get there this morning and the plant and ants are still in the sink filled with water. There is ants on the counter. I am beyond pissed. I took the plant threw it in my trash can and the plant that didn't have bugs and threw it away too. Then, I closed it up and threw the whole bag in the trash in the fireside room. (where ppl hang out before and after church)

My volunteer walks in to tell me she had a part in the service but would try to pop in and out. She was my son's OT therapist last year so I guess I know her enough to speak my mind. I said, "your the first volunteer in 3 weeks that bothered to even check in with me" I told her the story about the ants last week and how I am tired of chasing supplies down. I said what would happen if a new family came to look at the church and found a sink full of ants?

Later, a lady came in and said she part of a something about Christian teaching and had asked me if I had gotten any recent lesson plans. I told her no and she showed me where they are and I tried to explain to her that many of these lessons requires supplies that I don't have. Also, I think this age just doesn't have the attention span. I tried to explain to her that we have lots of bible stories and music and a few other Christian related things we have done without it being a lesson plan. My big thing is that I DON"T HAVE ANY CHILDREN! Why are they worried about me reading over lesson plans when I don't have children? and it's like they are clueless. I am not going to hunt down tons of items for children who are not showing up. I just don't have anymore time to give this church for what they pay me. It's really not even about the money. I don't have the free time or do want to give up the little time I do have to hunt items down.

However, I don't mind reading the bible studies or books about God's teachings. I don't mind listening to Christian music or modifying a couple of the Christian games that like memory and go fish that are in the room that are Christian. I just think that they are asking too much out of me and the children. I think money could be better spent than someone hunting around all these supplies that we might use if I get any children in.

I wonder how long they will pay me if I don't have any children. The 100 a month won't break me but it sure comes in handy. I think they need to focus their efforts on making the daycare looks nice. Throw out the beat up kids tents and maybe replace it with another one. Buy a few new toys and make the room look presentable as possible. Number one rule. No ants!!!

They haven't hired a pastor yet. They have a lady pastor until they decide on someone. I hope the new one brings some new families. Without MELD, I don't have my little kid fix. I especially miss the babies. I have my grand daughter and I wouldn't trade her for ten newborns but it would be nice to get the baby fix taking care of.

Besides, the church, today was one of those days that Stephen went crazy. He actually locked himself in his room by beating on the door but freaked even more when he couldn't get it open. He thought we were holding it shut and we had a hard time getting in. Without making this even longer he used the word "rush" which is making me think that his daily school life is "Rush Rush Rush" I will save that post for another day.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

8 weeks ago, I took Alex to get a few clothing items and finally decided to get a newer tv. I put a 32 inch flat screen with dvd player on lawaway and Alex suggested we keep it a secret. I didn't know if I could pull it off cause it would be 1/3 of my check every other week for 8 weeks. I get paid weekly. It wasn't easy and I couldn't get my nails or splurge too much anywhere else but I made the payments.
Yesterday, Alex was with me and we picked up the tv and I asked my husband to come out and look at something in the car. It was the tv!! See, at one time, we were renting a tv and it was expensive and we had to let it go. Now, it's our tv and we don't have to feel like we can't afford it anymore. I love layaways. It makes things a little more affordable.
My husband loves his (our) I let him just say his tv very much. We put our dinosoar tv in the garage for summer time veiwing.
I can't wait to watch a movie on it. Anyone rent any good movies lately? We don't pay for tv besides netflix.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

We have been dealing with issues with Alex still. We let things get out of hand with him asking to stay the night at friends house and he was gone more than home. Sometimes, it felt like he just came in for a meal. The good news is that he was getting a lot of exercise walking back and forth.

It got out of hand and my husband told Alex that he could only stay the night at a friends house once a week. Any other time, he was to come in either at ten or eleven at night. If he came in at 11 pm he was to go right to his room. There was some disagreement between my husband and myself if Alex should have food saved for him for dinner if he wasn't home. Personally, I think if we cook for 3 or 4 (depending if I am at work or not) that he should be able to eat. I think he should come in sooner than 11 to eat. I can see it becoming a problem if Alex wasn't home and for the most part the food was being wasted.

Anyways, my son has the cell phone and on Tuesday night he went to his friends. There was an issue that he hasn't had his Xbox and it just seemed weird. He said it was at his friend's house but didn't seem in a hurry to get it. He left to "get it" and ten pm comes and goes and then 11 pm comes and goes. Now, it's the time, I want to go to bed but he doesn't have a key and I can't sleep until I know he is in.

I get on the computer and try to creep on his FB wall and realize that he has deleted me as a friend. I log into Stephen's account and message him on fb (private) that he better have a good reason for not being home. It's about midnight and he writes me back.

He said he was waiting for a ride and was going to go to Grandma's. I said no that he was to come home. He made it appear as if he had talked to Grandma but I learned that wasn't true. I couldn't call Alex cause his phone battery was dead. I was getting more and more ticked and was willing to just come get him so I knew he would be home. He refused and quit answering my messages.

After, talking to him on Stephen's account, I went on the browser Alex uses and it logged me onto his Fb account. I admit that this maybe wrong but I was beyong being nice. I looked at his wall. He had all kinds of stuff about "lighting it up"

Also, I read some of his private conversations thru fb and there was talk about pot and money and other stuff that has lead me to believe that he is still smoking it and was using the overnights to party.

I am still reading love and logic. I admit it's been a slow read and I keep losing my place.

Anyways, right or not, I yelled at him the next day. Right now, he is not allowed to go anywhere but Grandma's and isn't allowed friends or girlfriends at home. I have taken his Kindle Fire away and also wanted the IPOD but that he says is lost. We got the XBox from someone else and he says it's broke. He has been spending more time with us because he was nothing to really do to keep his busy.

I made him come with me to the Y tonight and he hung out with his little brother.

I don't know how long we will keep him on house arrest. My husband doesn't want to be tied down with being the entertainment and has some issues of concern to make him too bored. I understand where he is coming from but if we are afraid to punish him because he might attach himself to our hip then we are giving him the power to walk all over us.

I know we can't watch him 100% of the time. I don't even watch my 12 year old son 100% of the time. We never leave him alone without the supervision of an organized event.

I don't know what our next step will be. I don't pretend to have all the answers or do I know if anything I have done or did will make a difference but what we were doing wasn't working.

I got to crack the whip and read that book. I plan on highlighting the parts I want to practice on and discuss with my husband. I hope to have it read it a week.

Off the subject of my kids, I have gotten into liking Zumba. It's kind of hard to follow all the steps but it's fun. I hope I can work it in at least twice a week. I seem to be recruiting my family and friends to join the fitness craze. Also, I have had to job offers for private caregiving. The latest is my stepmom's Mother. Where are chances like this when I didn't have any hours? Although, private caregiving with higer needs clients scare me some because of the liability risks. Also, I am happy with the amount of hours that I am working. Anymore, would cut into my already busy day.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My son had his first official counseling appointment. The different routine is throwing him off some. More of a grouch and demanding Bk. She shared with me some initial thoughts what the doc from yesterday is thinking about. I am too tired to go get the name and really get into it right now. In some ways, a light bulb goes off in my head and other ways I want to say that's not my son. We haven't made it to the Y so it is kind of counter productive but it's not every week.