Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sad story

I been doing a lot of reading that pulls at my heart strings but so far hadn't had any tears over the books that I have been reading.

Tonight, I was at work and we were watching unsolved Mysteries on lifetime and they showed a story about a women who had just had a baby and was looking through the window to the nursery and a lady asked her which baby was hers and she agrreed that the new Mom had the prettiest baby.

Well, when the woman walked out of the hospital with her sisters the woman held them at gunpoint and made them walk a few blocks with the baby. She stole the baby from her and sped off in a getaway car with help.

At the beginning of the story, they showed a cake with the name Marlana and said they celebrated her birthday but it was sad time for them. The, they showed the scene of how the baby was taken.

They went on to do an age progression to show how she would look like as a young adult. I held back the tears until the Mom said she just can't accept that she will die without ever seeing her baby. It makes me sad to think of this Mom never seeing her baby.

Her experience isn't the same as a birthmother who chooses adoption or one that even gets pushed, shoved or forced into adoption because this women never did give up her right to her daughter. I notice when she referred to the child she called her (her baby) Even though she is grown now if still living. I think until reunion that birthmother's have a hard time really understanding that time didn't stop and the baby isn't a baby but grew up.

I didn't catch the year of birth of the baby but I suspect it's been quite a while ago. They suspect that the baby was taken by some women who couldn't have kids and wasn't right in her mind. No offense to anyone who can't have children or am I suggesting that women who can't have children would all resort to this. They also suggested it could have been a black market kidnapping for an illegal adoption.

Whatever the reasons that brought that women to kidnap a 3 day of baby it's such a sad story. I hope the child is safe and someday learns the truth and can be reunited with her Mom and other family members.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The last couple of days

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A couple posts down, I blogged about the frustration of feeling like my oldest son was avoiding coming to our house. Even though, it was already agreed upon that he would get dropped off at 11:30 on Sunday and that he would stay a couple days. My son is telling me that he has plans with his friends through the church and really wants to go. I don't mind being flexible but we had plans and I wanted to spend the day with both sons and my husband and grand daughter. My son then asked if he could just go to the dinner at seven and I agreed but basically he could do that.

Sunday, we went on a trolley ride and had a pretty good time. We were able to take a ride downtown and enjoy learning some interesting facts about how the Park District got started and about some of the local business that used to be in the area. We were given a break off the trolley to look around at the hundreds of rose bushes and the three of us posed for a picture.

After, the trolley ride, I dropped my husband and granddaughter off at home and we went to the local pool. I love swimming. My only complaint is that Alex is very physical and wants or needs constant interaction. He can tend to be rough. It's quite different with Stephen we can be near each other without always talking on being physical. But there are times where he too gets really too close for comfort in the pool and that can result in being stepped, sat on or being bumped.

On Monday, I took both boys with me to MELD. Alex didn't really want to go but knew that I wanted him too. I bought some play duh to try to get the kids to sit and do something compared to running around and being rough. We had six kids in total. We had one baby that slept the whole time in bed. We had only one of the older children and a couple other small babies. One of them puked down my sister''s shirt. That was way too funny! There was this little girl that been there quite often before but hasn't been there too much lately. It seemed like every baby held their poop until they came seen us. The play doh really helped and I admit it even helped my youngest son behave better. My boys tend to add a little bit to the boy energy and that's not always a good thing. It was a nice experience to have both my kids with me. I think it's important that they see volunteering options and also like my husband said hopefully it will be good birth control for my 16 year old son.

Tuesday morning, Alex took me to see a movie with his own money from a little part time job he has. It was the first time that he took me out with money that he has earned. We watched Hungover 2 and it wasn't probably the most appropriate to watch with my son.

Tuesday, was my 4 year anniversary since we bought out house!!! It was a cause to celebrate! It was even more so because we did get behind and have recently had our home loan modified to lower the interest rate and to forgive all the late fees.

We had a cookout with hamburgers, hot dogs and some yummy fruit and potato salad. We kind threw it all together with last minute plans and had a pretty good turn out. My Dad, my sister, my brother, my step daughter and husband and baby. We even invited my husband's ex wife and my ex husband and his new girlfriend and they actually showed. My ex husband checked out the kids bedroom for the first time even though he has been offered. Just for the record, I invited my Mom because I felt how she might feel bad if she wasn't asked when others were. She had told me she had already ate.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I still don't like this new girlfriend. She talks too much. My little sister didn't like her either. However, I think it's good that he has someone because well that would be two paychecks instead of just one person supporting the household.

Today, my little son and I went back to the pool and we had a good time. I noticed that he actually is dancing to the music. It's so cute!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Anne of Green Gables

A couple weeks ago, I was at work and on PBS they were trying to raise donations by offering the books and dvd's of Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery. They would only show clips of the show and I was interested and my client said she had read the books and watched the movie. I had never heard of it before but I jumped at the chance to try to engage my client in a movie that I knew she would like.
I had my husband see if our local library had any of the collection. He brought me home a dvd and a book. When I was seeing the little clips I didn't quite understand how Anne came to be Ann of Green Gables. I could tell that most likely she wasn't Marilla's and Matthew's child by birth, but how she got there wasn't known to me until I got the movie and started reading the book.

Of course, I watched the movie with my client but I read the book on my own. It was interesting to see adoption played out way back when. When I read, they wanted a boy to help on the farm. I was shocked. They want to adopt to get an helping hand!! I actually said it aloud and my husband said that is what they did back then.

It was interesting to read that I didn't hear about Marilla and Matthew didn't jump through hoops to adopt. Or, was any money mentioned. It was almost as simple as ordering a child. I don't mean to suggest that this is the correct way to go about adopting an older child. Not that I think a child sitting in an orphanage or foster home for years is the correct way either. I like to read about adoption but I didn't seek this movie or book out because of adoption.

Like I mentioned Anne was brought to Green Gables and was suppose to be a boy but they decided to keep her. They had wanted a boy to help with the farm.

It was such a sweet story. Anne was a handful but she grew up and was really loved by her parents. I notice how she called Marilla and Matthew by their names. She learned some great lessons along the years she was with them as a child.

When Matthew was beginning to really be ill Anne says I wish I was a boy so you didn't have to work so hard. He said something to the point of not wanting anyone besides Anne.

I liked how Marilla would say doesn't Anne of Green Gables sound better than Anne from no where in particular?

It was a such a sweet story and I am very happy that it came across the tv screen to entice me to learn more about this story.

P. S. That is Ann with an E not just plain old Ann!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

It seems as of lately, I have to get on my knees and beg to see my oldest son. He lives with his Dad and we have joint custody. We don't do the traditional every other Friday to Sunday because I work second shift on Friday and Saturday.

What we have been doing is picking him up on Saturday morning about 11 am and I would drop him off on Monday morning for the school bus or take him directly to school.

I have told my son if there is something that he would like to do that falls on my weekend then he can talk to me. I am not sure if it's my ex husband or my son has taken this to mean that my son can decide to not come over. I have had to express myself a couple times now that it's his right to ask and my right to say yes or no if he does something with friends compared to coming over.

My ex husband signed him and my son up for a dart league on Saturday afternoons and only then did he ask me if I was okay with it. I didn't think I had much choice in it and since I work Saturdays I agreed. The last two times my son has asked to come over on Sunday because he wants to go to the church on Saturday and I been flexible.

Lately, I been feeling like my son doesn't contact me unless it's to ask can do something else.

Then, my ex is texting me and wanting me and him and the kids to meet to talk about somethings and I asked what. Supposedly, the kids have been complaining about some of our rules.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


On Monday night, I started my 6th teen week session volunteering for MELD. My little sister came back and so did this other girl that started about the same time as my sister.

For my new readers that don't know what MELD is it's an non for profit organization that provides support for young Mom's and Dad's and their children. It's mostly for the Mom's and the children though. They provide temporary shelter and help them reach their goals with education, work and support as in diapers and other baby items. They provide parenting classes and that is where I and many other volunteers come into the picture. We babysit the children while the Mom's are in class.

Last night, we had six children. Three were under one year of age. One of them was only two months old. The other two were crawlers but there is no way we could actually let them do that.

The 4 and 5 year old just run wild. The child that is 2 1/2 will play with legos or something on his own but only for a little while. Even with the three of us we just can't get control of the older ones. They throw toys and run around wild and that is why we can't put the babies down. We use time out and toward the end of the last session it was kind of improving. Last night, the oldest child got physical and really mouthy when he was put in time out.

I don't really understand what they are teaching these Mom's. How can the Mom's of the older children be in class with the new Mom's? It would seem like it's not doing one of them any good. The ages are so different and no way can they meet both needs. I do understand that it's non for profit and it might not be possible to run groups for the Mom's with different age ranges. Plus, they would need more volunteers.

The lady that runs the Mom's group can be a real hard ass and I mean that in a good way. However, it's hard to really be firm and raise voices when your holding a young baby. I am hoping that we can get back some of the control of the children and make it a pleasurable experience for all. I also want it to be a learning experience for the children. I know they are not there to be taught but life is a classroom and if we can teach through play then that makes what me and all the volunteers do worth even more.

I think the daycare environment for the older children just doesn't suit them. I think it becomes boring for them and to make it exciting they have to climb, throw toys and run wild through the room. I love it when they calm down and do puzzles,look at books or color. I try real hard to give all the kids attention even if I have a baby in my hands. I had my favorite little boy in my arms. He is a little black baby and last night a new baby about two months came in and she was the second white baby I have ever seen on my night. I wrote before on race and how all black children did kind of make me do a double take and has made me think more about being aware of how I treat black people in general. I admit, I am not blind. I did see the color difference but I didn't set my favorite baby down to get my hands on the new baby who happened to be white. Not that I wouldn't have wanted to cuddle with a new baby, but I know my favorite baby favors me over the other girls. Maybe, it's because I am the best. Just kidding. But I have been there longer and I am the only Mom and I think even babies can sense an experienced Mom compared to none that has only babysat for family or friends.

Oh, I mentioned about the new readers, introduce yourself so I can stalk your blog if you write one.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I stopped in where my little sister works to pick up some medication for my youngest son and she said she had something for me. It was a collage of my first face to face meeting with Izzy. My sons' first face to face meeting with Izzy. Also, some shots of us by ourselves from when we all got together that time. She put one picture of my kitties that I had since I was young that I no longer have due to old age.
It was really sweet of her and just made my day. I already have it in a frame and just trying to find the perfect spot for it. I like them to be somewhere in the open because it's another way for me to just say hey look at us. I am not hiding her anymore. It was a really good surprise and I will hang it proudly.

Dear Todd (birthfather)

It's Father's Day and somewhere out there I am hoping you have a child or two in your life to remember you on this special day for Dad's. I wonder do you think of the two children that you lost to adoption? Izzy knows about you but there isn't too much information for me to really give her. I can't say one way or another if she has thoughts of you on this day. So, far she just hasn't really expressed much to me about how she feels when she thinks of you.

I wanted to find you for her that way if she wanted to know you she at least had that option. I have hit a brick wall and I have ran out of ideas. I think the only way that your ever going to have a chance at meeting her is if you remember my last name and search for me. I should be pretty easy to find because I still live in the same town. Once, in a while, I end up in the area where you lived when I met and I think of you. I wonder what it would be like to walk around that same place where you were. Would I remember the good times? Or the bad times?

I hope that you wherever you are that you have found a wife and have some children to raise. In my heart, I don't think you were a bad person. Just young and scared and things didn't turn out right way for you.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I haven't been up to blogging.

I have been going through some hard times. My husband was fired and suddenly there is a lot of pressure on me to cover all our bills and household cost. Plus, it's summer which means more free time than normal and I was upset thinking we couldn't have our summer time fun.

I am shocked how fast what seems like an happy household can just go downhill at a fast pace. I been feeling like my husband's patience is getting too thin and haven't liked how harsh he has been to my youngest son. I get that my son is special needs and can get very difficult to get through. I am thinking it must be the stress of the losing his job because he normally was pretty good with him.

However, there are feelings of mine that sneak up and sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't love us enough because we are his second family. Or, he doesn't enjoy doing things with us because we are his second family. He is 51 and I am 35 years of age. For the first time, I am wondering does age really matter? He has almost zero interest in having sex and I know a big part of that is that he quit drinking. But come on it's been 2 years! How long will that go on? Also, the stories of amazement of difference in life. How long will it go on? My youngest son is old enough to forget that I married a drunk but if he keeps talking about it then he will always remember it. I suppose if he is talking about how good life is since he quit then it is better than if he was telling stories of partying.

When the going is going rough about things going on with my son about this or that and we keep not getting anywhere with our problem. He will say, " I give up, I don't care" One. if it's important enough to try to find an solution then it's never okay to give up. I can't afford to ever give up on my kids. Frustrated? Yes. Not sure what to try next? Yes. But to give up on my children. Never. I can't help but feel if they were his first children, first family that he wouldn't just give up. I understand that he is in a different boat this time around. He is their stepfather and that does make a difference because their Dad does have influence over them. But if he loves me like he says he does then how can he just give up?

I been feeling mad about how mad I get to feeling about the loss of income. I know it's not his fault but it still gets to me. I remember how patient my husband was with me when I didn't have any hours at his job. I wish I could be more patience in getting through these times. I wish I had more faith in that things will turn back around for us.

I did manage to find a way to feel better about summer. I applied for a discount for our park district and it got us a 75% discount on many programs. I paid and arranged him to go to one week of overnight summer camp at this local park we visit often. It's not until early August but it's perfect timing for school and the free summer camp playground park ends at that time.

We were able to buy a pack of tickets for him for 25.00. This gives him lots of swimming and other fun activities to stay busy this summer.

I feel a lot better knowing that we will still find things to do even though we might not always have extra money laying around. The best part about the local pools is that they let you bring in a cooler so no high priced meals or soda.

It's kind of a shocker to me how one minute everything seems fine and the next your husband is telling me that maybe we need a marriage counselor to talk things through. As of right now, I can a counselor help us? I really can't afford it and can I sleep with him? Just kidding. I am committed but talking about how I don't get it isn't going to help.

I been working on this blog post for a few days now and yesterday (Sunday) it was really hot and after my son went to bed, I took a shower and put on some short shorts and a skimpy shirt and slept that way. When I got up and was waiting for my grand daughter, I go into the bedroom and say, I am getting a different shirt. He said, your fine. You been doing it right. I don't have a clue on what he meant. Was he trying to tell me that I should be dressing skimpy?

There are times where I feel like my husband does accept me for the way I am. I told him how I thought of cooking meat loaf but I got too lazy and that's why I did KFC. He says, "that's my girl" Or when I run into stuff, he accepts it as part of me.

Well, I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this horrible time but maybe just venting about it.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I don't want to get into too many details but my daughter and I communicated through our normal way about the cookout and she didn't think it was be as weird as I made it out to be but said she would rather meet my Dad at one of our normal outings. She said, she hoped we wouldn't take it personal.

I really didn't take it personal. I am relieved that I don't have to face that day. It just would have been too hard on me.

Off the subject of my daughter and adoption.

I have been really stressed out lately. It seems like every since my ex husband girlfriend started to live with him that I can't help but find reasons not to like her.

I want to have an open mind but she keeps giving me reasons to dislike her. I want her to be a good thing in my son's life because who couldn't use another person watching out for them, right?

But why do I keep getting really ticked off?

She has gotten in the middle of my conversations with my ex husband and seems to think that if I tell my ex no to something that if she talks to me then I will say yes. I refused to let my 11 year old stay up all night at a church lock in. I think an 11 year needs to sleep and he hasn't gotten the habit of sleeping in yet. Also, if he was to sleep, who is going to watch over him like I do? My son sleep walks. She says, I was hoping to spend time with him.

Tonight, I call my oldest son. He calls me back and as I talk to him. I can hear her talking in the background to me. Example, I ask my son what he is doing? He says, I am playing the Xbox and talking to (blank)... then I hear her say (her son) is playing on the Ipod. Well, I didn't ask what her son was doing. I could hear her off and on throughout the conversation as if she was part of our conversation. If I wanted to talk to her, I would have called her.

Is it me? I don't know if it's a jealousy thing because someone else is around my kids or if she is just getting on my nerves.
I don't normally share too much about my reunion on this public blog for privacy reasons but I just feel like the need to blog about this subject out in the open.

After, sending my Dad a picture of my daughter and my two sons in a picture with me. He asks when can he meet her? I said, I would ask but no stepmom.

Before, I even got an answer if she would be willing to meet my Dad. He calls me to tell me she is invited to his cookout in a couple weeks. I have been given some good advice ranging from not inviting her to inviting her and letting her decide.

My heart tells me to say nothing and don't invite her. But there is this lingering feeling that it's her choice not mine to make.

I feel like a rotten birthmom. I don't want my daughter there. Mostly, it's because I just can't imagine anything good happening from her meeting about a dozen people in that way. She would be meeting my Dad, his wife, my husband, my brother, my step brother and his wife and their kids for the first time. I just think that's too much for her.

I also think it's too much for me. The whole idea of a bunch of people looking at me with my daughter in a family setting makes me feel ill. I guess it could be the questions. Or, maybe it's because for years no one gave a damn about my daughter and now suddenly they want to be a part of it. Maybe, it's cause if we all pretend she belongs to our family that it will all seem fake. Maybe, it's cause she should be my daughter and none of this weird stuff would have mattered if family didn't disappoint me years ago.

I just think it's too soon. I haven't even had my daughter to my place. I haven't even met her one on one yet. I don't want to risk making her feel weird and she doesn't contact me for months or worse.

It's such a hard situation to be in. Forever, it made me sad that no one else cared. Now, I want to tell all these people to back off. I want to be proud that I have a daughter and yet not share it. It's not shame or anything. It's just that she is mine. I can't be her only Mom and I just don't feel like sharing very much.

The main reason I have agreed to ask about my Dad meeting her is because his health isn't the best and while I don't expect that he will die anytime soon. I don't want to have the regrets of not allowing him the chance to meet her.

This adoption stuff is hard.

Reunion is hard too. I wish it was easier. I wish there wasn't so much at stake that at any moment I could crumble to the ground with a crushing pain that could ruin me.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

open records

My husband sent me an email about our state moving to have adoptees have the right to get the OBC. However, birthparents can choose to have their privacy protected. I imagine some birthparents will want that to remained sealed but I think the most will be happy that the truth of birth can be told and given to the children now adults that wish to seek this information.
Read the news story here. I think this has been a long time coming and I am happy to see that the rights of many have been given back to those who seek the information of where and who they came from. I hope other states follow. Link

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I have some concerns about this neighbor of my son and ex husband. I believe she lives next door and I think she had too much interest in kids. I know somethings because of facebook and I don't know if facebook is making it easier for them to be closer than most neighbors are.

She has taken both my sons places. One example, was to go color Easter eggs and one was she took my youngest son to the beach. She has given things to my oldest son like an air conditioner and when he is posting how he is thirsty she is coming to the rescue with come over and get a pop.

I believe my ex husband has sent my son to beg for rides and had him run to say Walmart to get stuff and when their electric was shut off for a day or two, I learned from FB that my son stayed with her. I know she has kids but I don't remember if it's one or two. When I tried to take her daughter to a dinner because it was my son's birthday she never called me when asked to.

My current husband thinks it's fishy too. Are we being judgmental because we don't trust my ex husband's parenting skills? Does this person just really like kids and is generous and doesn't mind giving things away?

Am I being a nut and thinking too much? I like children and I give things away too. Am I weird too? I know I am not weird. Maybe, I feel it's different because I feel like she is singling out my kid compared to when I volunteer I am giving my services to many children and not running to anyone's aid for this and that.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

retreat offer

I recently reconnected with an organization that is there to assist famlies that are raising special needs children. I received mail from them about a retreat for Mothers/Grandmothers of the special needs children.
The offer is to show up on Friday at 6pm and stay until Sunday at noon. The idea behind it is to do some of the things that are not always possible being the mother of a child with special needs. Some of the things they offer are.

Massages, Hiking, Beautiful setting, door prizes, new friends, old friends, movies, meditation, Bonfire, Manicures,Indoor and Outdoor activities. I would get my own private room and all meals provided for 75.00

I like the idea of going and enjoying these things but then got worried about going alone and not fitting in. So, I called my sister and asked her if she would go if they allowed it. She said, yea.

I called the people who sent out the information and talked about it and she said that I could bring my sister. Then, I searched for more information and got the websites for the places that we would be staying at.

Go here to check out the place that I would stay at. I thought it would be like a hotel but now I see that it would be less scary because it's not a huge hotel. I get lost really easy and have never been anyway without someone being in charge and directing the way.

Next door, is Hope Reigns Ranch. Go here for them. It seems really religious and even though I do believe in God and have found comfort in the church. I really don't want to be preached to and I believe God loving people can't be true friends to a person unless you are a God loving person or pretend to be one. As soon as a person, shys away from church for a while, they forget all about you.

But back to the retreat. I am pretty sure that I do want to go. I think this is a chance to unwind and just have some me time. I may even make new friends. I wonder if I jumped the gun asking my sister to come with me. If I have my sister with me, I am less likely to focus all on me and also might have a hard time making the effort to connect with other Mom's that are raising special needs children. If I have my sister to talk to then I won't feel the need to break out of my shell and possibly find support in others. But I am scared if I go alone and don't connect with others or feel comfortable that I will be lonely and sad.

One very good part of this place is that it is in my town. I could actually come home if I don't feel comfortable or safe.

I feel a little guilty about spending the money because my husband was fired from his job last week and money isn't coming in like it used to. It's not until late September but I have to commit before then. I would hate to lose out on this chance because I am buying time waiting to be able to afford it and then they get filled up.

There is a big part of me that doesn't want to dream of this date getting here because then that means Summer is ending! It just got here. I don't want it to go away.

If this offer came up for you what would you do? Go on your own and risk being uncomfortable or just jump in head first, alone, and hope for the best?

If I decide to go on my own.. how do I undo my offer to my sister?
My last post, I mentioned that my husband, my son and myself were on the online version of the newspaper. Today, we were on the front page of the newspaper! It's kind of shocking. I keep looking at it and wondering how come out of a whole school they captured my moment of weakness and printed it. It's such a sweet moment in time though. It wasn't planned out. I hugged my husband because I needed someone to cry on and then my son came up and hugged the both of us.

The reporter asked my husband's name and if my son was his son. He said, yes and gave our last name which is a little different because we both carry my sons last name and also my second husband's last name. They put down the wrong last name for my son and called my husband and I his parents. My ex husband who was celebration went nuts! He was pissed about the name screw up and the parent remark. I think he was really jealous because another man is raising his child while he stays in the background most of the time. He can't accept responsbility for his actions and it's all everyone elses fault.

Oh well, it was our moment in time to shine.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

My youngest son school put on a fifth grade celebration. Basically, a graduation and also a farewell to the school because cuts were made and it's being closed down after this final year. The newspaper was there and snapped a picture as I was hugging my husband and my son.

Go to and see if you can find the story.

I wasn't crying so much because it's closing but crying and terribly sad and tears were flowing because my son is growing up. I want to go back time and not have this time in grade school be over with. A very intimate moment was caught on film.

The really interesting part is that I haven't allowed myself to cry around my husband. I don't know if I let my guard down and trust him more or I just couldn't help crying.

Lately, when I tell my husband something about Izzy he has the most sweetest response. If the situation is good or bad mostly like he says something like You mean just like her Mom. He always calls me her Mom. I know that she will probably never call me Mom but to have him use it as showing that we are connected as Mother and daughter it's just amazing and heart warming.