Wednesday, August 28, 2013

back to school

On Monday, Stephen went back to school. He officially is an 8th grader now. There is something about him starting the last final year of middle school that makes the four years of high school seem around the corner.

Going back to school can be hard on everyone on several different issues. I think for us change of routine is hard on not only Stephen but my husband and me. We have already just got done changing our routine with my husband entering the working work force outside of home. I always want to include outside of the home cause people even me (who me) under estimate the amount of work stay at home parents do. I still say my husband was getting lazy but that's another topic. Love him anyways.

We are used to having dinner around my workout routines and being flexible with bedtime. It's not that we allow him to stay up until all hours of the night. We just had a later bedtime so it gave us wiggle room with eating. I am still working on moving dinner earlier times. It's almost 7 pm and dinner is delayed cause I got busy making some zuchinni bread. Hope it tastes yummy.

Had to take a break from writing this post so the bread was yummy and about 200 calories. It's my sister's recipe. I love that she made me a cookbook.

It can be a little expensive going back to school. My son has to wear uniforms so that is an added expensive to back to school time. His Dad finally sent child support on his own and sent 210.00 which is almost a whole months worth so it couldn't have been better timing. My husband and I were pretty impressed that he followeed through with sending in a payment all on his own. I never picked a fight with him when I learned about the job but did wait a week and ask if he was sending payment and kept on him (nicely) when it didn't come in. So maybe being nice instead of a bitch paid off.

With each new season and new change I stress about when I will get my workouts in and will I be able to incluse Stephen in those visits to the Y or find time for our new passion bike riding or god forbid I make Stephen walk. I know this sounds bad but often times I want to be at the Y for about 2 hours or more. I have started this new workout routine where it wants me to do 20 mins of cardio at least and tells me what workouts to do.

I find myself wanting to do more than 20 minutes of cardio and pretty slow learning the workouts and how the machines work. However, at the same time, it's important to me that we eat together as a family and I don't rely on my husband for all the cooking. So it sure can be a juggling act to juggle work, school, homework, workouts, family time and cooking and cleaning.

I am sure we will settle into our new routine in no time. I am already settling into doing a little more of the housework. I try to pick things up as I go and been doing dishes and laundy. Which is stuff I might have taken for granted.

Edited: To post that my son's Dad is back at his normal job driving for the schools so we should be back to our normal routine of child support coming out on it's own and being sent to me.

Also, my husband is making a decent amount more money that he did in the past so I see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to struggling to pay for things. I am even considering paying someone to come clean my house to give it a good scrubbing. Not sure if I will make it a semi normal thing or just sort of reset it back to a nice condition. Not that we are horders or anything. Cluttered and not spotless. Yes. No hording here.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Izzy wrote me that guess who got a fitbit? So buying her a fitbit is for sure off the table for her birthday. I thought about copying a cookbook my sister made for myself and my little sister but it would be time consuming and expensive to print it all up. So maybe I will hold off on that.

So my only option is a simple birthday card with or without a small gift card if I can afford it. Or flowers from a florist in her area.

I am leaning more towards the flowers.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I realized that I probably jumped the gun worrying about if I would ask to see Izzy or not. She isn't even coming until almost the end of October so I have plenty of time to think about it.

What I don't have a lot of time to figure out what to do for her birthday. It may just be a birthday card because I don't have a lot of money to spare. Truth is that I have none but I have never not given her a gift. So I do wonder how that would go.

Right now I am waiting to see that she gets moved to their new house they plan on moving to soon. I am leaning towards calling a local floriest in her area and see if for 20 or 30 bucks they can arrange a nice bouquet of flowers for her. My other thing I have thought about but not sure I can afford it is to send him a fitbit. She had expressed some interest in wanting one. My husband didn't think it was a nice thing to give someone as in implying "they have a problem" I see his point but considering she is trying to workout and all I thought she might enjoy it. Who knows maybe the fitbit could be a christmas gift.

So I guess at this point I am leaning between just sending a birthday card or sending flowers. I have sent flowers to her for her birthday up until she moved away. Well, since reunion that is.

We reunited via facebook shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday. It's hard to believe that she is going to be 22 years old soon.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Follow up from last post

I wonder how Izzy will feel if she comes into town and I don't ask to see her. Will she feel upset and rejected? Relieved? at one less person to see? Happy not to deal with drama, if any, from her adoptive family about finding time to see me? Will she be feeling angry? Will she take it upon herself to ask me? Or go home pouting that I didn't make the effort to see her?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Izzy is flying home soon due to her Mom what I believe is paying for the trip. Is it wrong of me that I am leaning towards not asking for a visit and see if she asks me to get together? It's not that I don't want to see her but I don't want to see her just out of pity she may have for me.

What is the saying if you love something set it free? It seems like we might have one good visit and then one rushed visit. I know I should be grateful for anything that she is willing to give me but I just feel that I end up having to pick myself off the ground after the visits that don't go so well.

I know the answer to this is AM I willing to accept that I might not see her if I go with not asking her and she doesn't ask me. I will probably in the next few days or so write more in my private blog about this subject.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I feel like I almost have nothing to say on this blog. I don't know if that means I have come full circle and am happy where my life is going right now. I know for the most part this blog has served as a place where I vent about the negative stuff. I hope I have done a good job at showing the happy things too.

We are settling into a new routine at our house. My husband is working about 3 days a week. It's suppose to be mostly on the weekends but so far it has included at least one week night. I am learning how to manage without my husband. I have had to learn how to work the tv and dvd player.

I have started doing a little zumba in the living room. I just don't think doing it in the basement. I know that sounds horrible since we made Alex live in the basement. Although, as a teen I would have loved it. The basement to me seems so far away from the rest of the family and maybe Alex didn't like that. Going back and thinking maybe I shouldn't have bought a 2 bedroom house but I know I just got too caught up with house shopping and thought it was the perfect house.

I have started doing dishes and laundry and little bit of sweeping here and there and feeding our dogs. I feel like I am more productive when my husband is gone and plus I have to change my whole thinking about how he is HOME all the time. He is still home more than me but hoping with me pitching in here and there that our hosue will look nicer.

I am making Stephen help here and there too. He is 13 and no reason why he can't be expected to do more. Today, I washed his bedsheets and blankets and when I bought him back up to him he asked me "if I was going to put them on?" I said, "if you need help then I will help you. " I think I said something to the point of who do you think I am? And with the most serious voice he said if I was a tv Mom "i would be the maid" LOL Yep. He is going to be doing more around here and no more tv.

I been missing having our grand daughter here but in some ways I am enjoying not having a 3 year old. I feel like with her always being here she is stealing Stephen's attention. She is such a doll and when here she is grabbing and demands all the attention. I don't regret standing by my voicing my opionion that if my husband was to get a job that I would not be the babysitter on my days off. If I only worked part time then that would be different. I hope to see her on somewhat of a regular basis. Maybe even offer to have her for a day once a month.

My husband is enjoying the increased pay from his new job. He did say that he doesn't get hugs at work though.

I am still working out but have changed things up a bit with my husband working and Stehen being home from school. I been enjoying more outdoor activties and know the Y will be there when I want it. On the days that I run I go into the Y for my shower so it's not all wasted.

Just for the record, my child's father did finally on his own send child support. He sent 210 which amounts to almost a whole months payment at once. It couldn't have come at a better time with school starting and all. I was pretty impressed that he did it but at the same time I wasn't going to get on my knees and thank him for something he should have done. Don't mean I didn't say thank you. Just wasn't going to go overboard with it. I was pretty impressed with the system that he dropped the payment off at the post office on Friday and by Tuesday I had the money.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

I have been quiet on this blog lately. Not a whole lot going on.

I did get my feelings a little stepped on when my Mom and brother took a trip to see my little sister less than a week of her moving out of our city. It bothered me she didn't even ask if I could go. I wouldn't have been able due to work. If there was any kind of notice and I could have afford time off it's possibile I could have been able to go.
Then they left to see my other sister who lives another few hours apart so my Mom makes effort to see all her children but me. I shouldn't say that. I have seen her more in six months or so than I normally do in two years.

My husband is enjoying his new job and the added bonus of making more money than he had babysitting. We do miss our grand daughter and at times I wish things were able to stay the same but to what extent does one put themselves in the hole for family?

Alex was given his first paycheck and says work is tiring cause of the 5 mile bike ride but other than that I haven't had a lot of contact with him. I have yet to make a trip on my own to see him. I have such anziety about traveling alone and even with a gps I can manage to get lost and be near tears as I call my husband and say "I am in trouble"

Stephen has had a busy summer. He did quite a few things like camp and the police academy. I think he had a great time. Stephen's Dad claims to have sent over 200 for child support out of his summer job. I have no reason to disbelieve him on it. I just hope the cash gets on my card fast so I can use it for back to school stuff. He goes back one week from tomorrow.

I have been having a lot of spare time on my hands. I have gotten my Sunday's back and no longer am working. It's my hubsand's extremly long day. So I drop him off at 8 am and then I run about 4 1/2 miles on the bike path, shower and get ready to go babysit at the church.

When I get home.. I have tried to balance it out between resting and doing things like the dishes, laundry, bedding and bathroom.. just trying to pitch in so the house looks somewhat nice when he comes home. I am not the best cleaner. I envy those that can afford to have an housekeeper come in.. I am sure that I would be cleaning before they came in though.

Hope everyone has had a nice summer. It's coming to an end.

Monday, August 12, 2013

birthday stuff

Today is my neices 22nd birthday! Which is the real kick off to remind me that Izzy's birthday is about a month away. Years ago, it would have sent me into a panic of sadness over just the thought of how sad I am going to be.

Now it gets me thinking about what I am going to get her for her birthday. There is a chance that it will only be a birthday card. I just don't have any spare money to really spend for her birthday. My other thoughts on a gift if I manage to pull it off is either flowers or send her a fitbit to track her walking.

I have one and she did mention wanting one but hadn't bought it at that time. I don't think she has but not really sure. You can learn more about fitbit here.

I really love mine and my sister bought one too and loves it.

I don't know if I have it in me to do nothing but a card. It would be the first birthday since reunion I didn't give her a gift.

Speaking of my neice. Her and Izzy were facebook friends but neither one of them made the effort that I am aware of to get to know one another and Izzy deleted her and also deleted other family of mine.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

part two of trip down memory lane

My sister has moved but before she did I had soda with my Mom, my Dad, My sister and my Brother. My parents are no longer married so this isn't something that happens too often.. well at least with all of us unless it's an holiday. My parents are still friends but all that is besides the point.

After, we left our parents my sister, brother and myself went back to the motel room where we stayed at for at least 4 months.

My brother confirmed room number 9 was the room we stayed.. I don't know if they are aware of the fact but that was the place we were living when I gave birth to my daughter and was robbed of parenting her by my Mother and a system that doesn't protect under aged girls.

There is a small part of me that is okay with Izzy not seeing the Room number 9 on her birth certificate. I guess one could say it was proof that I couldn't be a parent.. my mother was one step away from being homeless with us.

My sister tried to get our Mom to go back but she wouldn't. I suppose it wasn't her proudest parent moment living there. I could have left and went with my Dad but that would have left my Mom near homeless with two young children that were being cared for by the teenage Mother so that wouldn't have worked.

The motel story is something that I have left out of telling Izzy. At the moment, I just don't want to go there. I have posted pictures and if she was to ask I suppose I would tell the truth or the half truth that I lived there once with my family.

When we were exploring I saw this guy and thought it was this manager Bruno.. it looked so liked him. But when he asked he said no... then I asked if he was a brother and he said yea.. I said you must be the younger brother cause if you were really Bruno then time did you well.

I feel like in the past year so so.. I have revisited the areas that I was afraid of and faced my demons.. The one being the jr high school that I atteneded 9th grade during my pregnancy and the year following and now this motel room.

We posed pictures just for old time sake.

Just for the record.. the pictue we all started out trying to recreate was the one of my sister and brother on the wall. There isn't any known pictures of me from that time that I am aware of.

Monday, August 5, 2013

trip down memory lane

We moved many times over the years with our Mom during my 5th grade year and didn't really settle down in an house until I was about 17 years old. Coming from having our own home until our home that our parents owned was hard on me. We no longer had the secuity of knowing for sure where we would lay or head or where our next hot meal would come. This time frame is also the time frame where my Mom checked out of being a Mother and left a lot of the kid raising to my sister and myself.

One of our spots of living was an hotel room. It wasn't nothing fancy at all. It was myself, my Mom and my little brother and sister who lived in that one room. I remember it had a little stove so we did some cooking but we survived on lot of junk. I remember having to do dishes in the bathroom sink or shower and how disgusting it was to be doing that.

My Mom was gone a lot. At first, it seemed like an adventure living there. We had cable tv and a/c in the summer.. what kid wouldn't like that.. but then it just got old! I was with my sister and brother the majority of the time. My was working a lot and spent her spare time with bf.

My breaks from my sister and brother was that my Mom would allow me to go to this diner and order a salad and soda. It was probably the healthies food I ate during the pregnany.

I believe we spent a lot of time outside while we lived there. We mingled with other people that for whatever reasons found themselves living in a motel room.

I mentioned that my sister, my son and myself were getting our worksouts in and we came to the point where I normally turn around.

My sister wanted to look around the motel.

She stepped on the stairs bare foot to feel again how those stairs hurt her feet. We remember hanging out with people that actually was paying enough to have a small apartment.

Their is only one picture of our time living in this motel that I am aware of. It's my little sister and brother sitting on the wall. My sister sat on the wall and I took her picture on it.

My feelings on this trip down memory lane.

It was very weird. The last time I had been in that parking lot was when I was 15 years old. I spent the last few months of my pregnancy there so in a sense it's where my life took a huge turn for the worse. I attempted to kill myself while I lived there before Izzy was born. I am not sure if I ever blogged about that. I tried to drink bleach. I was just so scared to death. I quickly learned that bleach isn't something that you can just drink and it goes down well.

I remember being scared and calling my Mom but don't recall if she came home or not. I didn't tell her or anyone what I did or the fact that I was very pregnant.

I am not sure my sister was aware of how much of a life changing momment I experienced while living there. I didn't bring it up. I feel like I have come such a long way. It used to be that just driving past this motel would take my breath away or going to dinner at this chinese place that was next door. I have gotten used to being somewhat near it.

However, I have never walked onto the lot and let the memories of that 1991 summer come to me. My sister and I remembered down to the room we stayed in. I remember how I broke my brothers tooth while living there.. My sister remembers something about a window. I really don't recall what she said but it looked like they got rid of the window. I remember we were accused of leaving something on the stove and there was a small fire. This didn't make the hotel people very happy with us. I remember how we had housekeeping but not sure if we used it or not since messing kids wouldn't want them to see how dirty we made it.

I remember it was where I got my first nintendo and we got our first Mario Brothers game. I think it was for my 15th birthday but I am not sure.. cause I feel like I have memories missing. If we were living there at the end of May that means I was still in school but I know I didn't take the bus to school or do I think I was getting rides.

I remember it was the first and only time I have ate rabbit. My Mom tricked us and told us it was chicken. I remember someone sharing raw shrimp with us but I know I wasn't eating it. Gross!!

I recalled having a problem being home schooled during the 8 weeks I was off of school due to having Izzy. It was an issue cause we didn't really have an home.

I posted the pictures above on FB and my brother showed them to our Mom and asked her if she knew where they were from. (i wasn't there) She didn't know where it was and if I understood it right she didn't remember living there.

It's weird how something like leaving in a motel room can keep lasting memories between my sister, my brother and myself and our Mom doesn't remember it. I suppose some of that could be that she just wasn't really around much.

My sister and I joked on fb about getting our bother there too so they can take the same picture on the wall together.. I am not sure if we will do that or not. My sister is moving away as of Saturday morning. I think it might be intresting to go there with our brother and see what his memories or thoughts of the place is.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

bits here and there

I haven't wrote in almost a week. I have been sort of busy. My sister is moving away next week so we have been spending a lot of time together. We took a walk that ended up taking a tour of the motel that we used to live in shortly before my daughter was born.. That was huge for me to be back! I will try to blog on that later.
My husband is starting his last weekend of training for the job that my sister's bf held for the past few years. We are hoping that this will work.

I am still working out but it's not quite as much. I am at 73 lbs down. I am eager to see 75lbs!!

As far as I know Alex is doing well with his job.

My ex has admitted to working and said he would try to send payment depending on the size of his check. So we will see if he actually sends payment on his own.

Stephen has stayed pretty busy this summer. My only regret is that we haven't pushed any reading. I know we should but that's the honest truth that we haven't gone it. We have focased more on getting outside and being active.

On Monday my sister, myself and my Mom are going on our road trip. Hope we have an nice time. I am looking forward to getting out without kids. Actually speaking of kids my husband is offically done babysitting our granddaughter now. I hope the new change works out for all involved. I will miss the daily chats and fun stuff we did together. But I am sure Nana will make time to see her.

Hope everyone is having a fun summer!! My other regret is that I don't get summers off like the kids!!