Tuesday, May 31, 2011

My husband was never fully for me when it came to be contacting my daughter. A lot of his issues I think came from his days of drinking and stem from the fact that he hadn't seen his Dad in about 25 years or so and had no contact. He just thought it was best to leave it alone. I used to get so upset because he took the time to wonder how Izzy's adoptive parents might feel but not how I might feel as a birthmom in the dark. He thought I should just get over it, on with it. Not forget her but find a way to live with things the way they were.

In, October, it's been a year since my face to face reunion with my daughter. My husband hasn't met her yet. There is a part of me that wants to introduce them and there is a part of me that is holding back. Plus, I know it's not a big concern of his to meet her. He has said, he should meet her but doesn't really want to at this point. I think it might be more that I really haven't asked him to yet.

It's kind of ironic that we both are in reunions with our family. My husband's children got connected with the grandfather that they never knew and the daughter pushed and pressured him into allowing contact.

When I asked my husband a few weeks ago, if he still would have left things the way they were, he said yes. So, I was shocked when he asked me how I would feel about him taking a couple days away to fly to meet his Dad and his Grandmother for the first time in many years. I was shocked but I told him it would be okay with me. We could manage with him gone for a couple days. I almost said, I wished I could go with you but then that would require flying on a airplane and I would rather not do that.

I hope he doesn't get upset that I blogged about this. It's just very interesting thing to be happening in both of our lives. I am very happy that he has opened up his heart enough to be more accepting and forgiving to his family. I imagine the trip won't be too far in the future because his Grandmother is over 90 years of age.

Well, that is my news for today.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

It's been voted in Illinois, where I live that civil unions between the same sexes are allowed now. It's the choice of the Catholic Charities to stop doing adoptions because they won't adopt to same sex couples.
I don't know a lot about the Catholics but I have never liked the few things that I do know. One, is that they are against birth control, I guess cause God says we are suppose to procreate, but God forgot to mention that we are suppose to procreate then give the child away to people who can't procreate. Not trying to offend anyone, but messages to me are just conflicting. But since people procreate and can't take care of them we will offer adoptions to people who can't have children. I really don't believe their isn't profit to be made from adoptions for them. It's just my thoughts.

Well, anyways, for what I do know, I am glad that they won't be doing adoptions anymore. They shouldn't use religion to discriminate against people.

I did talk about this with my husband and he did say that we should give them credit for sticking up for what they believe.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I kind of found this comment to cause me to explain myself more about my son and his habits of losing things.

I am worried about my son going to middle school too. I would keep on giving him things and then when he lost them I would make sure to remind him that he is far more important than any THING on earth.

Yes! My son is more important than anything on earth. However, people need things to learn,survive and amuse themselves and to grow as a person.

It's my job to teach my son the skills that he will need in the real world.

If I give him a few bucks for summer camp to get a hot dog or to get his lunch from BK on a trip, I don't want him going without because he loses the money.

I don't want my son deprived of reading a good book because his parents can't keep affording to pay the library back.

I don't want my son deprived of music because he loses his MP3 player or whatever device he has to listen to it with.

I could go on about what I don't want my son to lose out on because he lost his things.

I will say that this is the real world. If he loses items, I have to replace them if it's school or library related. If it's cash or a gift card, I have deal with my son's sad face and frustration of it.

My son is only 11 but he has to know that when you lose things it just doesn't magically reappear.

Son always loses everything

I know I have a few teachers that read my blog or I think I do. My son is 11 and has always had special needs and he has a IEP in place and will be moving on to the middle school next year. I am sad,scared and also excited for him. I cried today because I am afraid of the kids being mean to him because he doesn't have very good social skills.

One example, is at his new school, he ran into a lady and didn't say anything to her. It doesn't faze him as rude even though we tell him it is.

Right now, we are having a huge problem with him losing things. In the past six weeks he has lost the following.

  • A gym back with towel and swimming shorts.
  • Another towel from swimming
  • A hard plastic case from a book on digital form.
  • His teachers book.
There have been other items in the past six months that he has lost. Has anyone have any suggestions on a system to make him better at being able to not misplace things? Or anything comes to mind? I don't want to not ever give him anything for fear of him losing stuff.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

End of 5th ten week session

Monday night was the end of the 5th session of volunteering for MELD. My little sister started volunteering with me a few weeks ago and it's been nice having her there helping out. We also had another girl volunteering but she didn't show this last day.
The driver is no longer sticking around and for the most part it's okay. Although, we did have quite a few babies and it was hard to deal with the children that misbehave. It seems like we have a good week and then a bad week when it comes to how well they behave. I think the difference is in the 3rd person to help out.
We were totally out numbered when a Mom walked in with three children. So, I called the driver and he came back and helped out.
I suggested an idea that I have been thinking of but withheld it. I suggested that during each ten week session that the Mom's rotate being in the daycare to assist us with the children. I said it would help them to see what we do and what goes into taking care of so many children. I often wonder when Mom's come in and see their child fussing and the hands are just not available to tend to them if they wonder if we are choosing one child over another. It's not like that happens often because I have gotten pretty good at holding two children at once. I said it might help for them to understand daycare even if they're day to day lives when it comes to taking their child in.

He really liked my idea and said he would pass it on. He didn't know if it would go or not because they mostly want the Mom's in group. Also, don't know if it could be reliable or not. However, I am not thinking it as in counting them as being the child care provider. There would still be the two of there no matter what.

The driver said they needed to know if we were coming back or not. I looked at my sister and said you want to come back and she said, "sure" So, I agreed to as well. Honestly, I couldn't keep coming with the way it's been without a second person and possible third person.

Right now, we will be on a little break and then we will start back up again. I will look forward to meeting possibly new babies, new mom's and of course I expect some of the mom's and babies will return.

I love how they just know me. How some of the babies will settle down if I hold them compared to another and how the kids just follow me in and saying toys. I love how one little boy poops his diaper every evening and when I say it's time to change your diaper he runs into the little house and it's just a fun game for him.

I am so thankful that my little sister is willing to volunteer and help with the kids. It brings back some of the happiness that I find volunteering for MELD has given me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

sense of normal

Last week, I sent my first gift to my daughter without asking permission or telling her that I was going to do it. One little thing that has been great about reunion is that I love buying my daughter presents. It was one of the many things that I wasn't allowed to do during her childhood.

I sent her a card with a gift card for dinner and a movie. It felt a little normal in the sense that I just sent it but I will admit that adoption creates insecurities in me. I had thoughts running through my head such as what if her Mom writes return to sender or let's the dog eat it? Of course I don't know what her Mom's thought process is and this is just my feelings of fear showing through.

The gift was sent as a pick me up from the hard first year in college and she said how it really made her week and she had a nice date with her boyfriend. It felt amazing to not only pick a card that I knew she would love but actually kind of knew what she needed.

Do you ever imagine arguments in your head with people? Well, this week, I imagined her Mom being upset and accusing me of buying my daughter's love. Buying her love isn't my goal in sending a gift to her. I want to send gifts because I love her. I don't have to be loved in return to remember my daughter at holidays, birthdays and even normal days. I am okay if I send gifts and cards and she doesn't remember me. It's not that it doesn't suck if my kids don't remember me but Mom's are suppose to put the kids before themselves.

I guess with my sense of normal, I also have to accept that I still have fears and I am unsure of my place in my daughter's life. I just have to take it one day at a time and for right now I am very happy that she enjoyed herself with a gift that I sent.

I added the blogs that I posted about a week or so about to the side of my blog to make them easier found if your not following them yet, but what are you waiting for?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My ex husband has remained single mostly since our divorce. I have known he had a girlfriend who quickly came the fiance for a couple of weeks. However, my son was quite shocked that she was around the whole weekend. I think they are living together. It's not my business and I been trying to keep an open mind but it's hard because his first girlfriend tried to give me parenting advice.

Well, my son called me upset because she wouldn't let him play. My ex told her he was special needs and suddenly he wasn't being allowed to do the things he once was used to. This is my 11 year old son who just visits every other weekend.

They pulled up and sure enough the parenting advice came out. I guess there is a school for autistic children who go all year around. He could take the special bus and go there.

I guess they don't know that I go to IEP meetings and they think for my son to be in a class with only special needs would be doing him wrong. Also, he has been taking the big boy bus since Kindergarten. Why would I want to put him in a special bus for special kids?

I don't want my son to go to school year round. He will go to four weeks of summer school and there is 8 weeks of a free to low cost camp where he has loved to go. My son maybe special needs but most don't believe he has autism. Did I mention that talked about this stuff in front of him? My son does have learning disabilities but am I wrong for wanting my kid to be a kid? I can't shelter him forever? He has to grow and make the best of what he can get from being a child out in the mean world with a disability.

This is going to be interesting to see how my children deal with her. I wish them the best but I know how the friction from children from another marriage can have a possibility for causing the relationship to suffer.

My ex said that his girlfriend has lit a fire under his ass to be a better parent. I only hope the wanting to be a better parent isn't only about having a girlfriend. My son has lived with his Dad not showing much interest but I wouldn't want him to get attention and lose it again.

My oldest son has told me that when Dad has a girlfriend he acts all fake and puts on a show for them.

This is really going to be kind of fun to see what happens with this relationship. I hope it works out because my oldest son could use another person riding him about school and stuff.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I like to throw this out there every once in a while that if there is anyone interested in being part of my reunion journey through blogging send me an email or leave your address here. I will send you an invite. I always love more people to share my story with especially if your life is touched by adoption and you can relate to me or offer things from a different perspective.

For privacy reasons, you must have a profile and I prefer you be a blogger because I want to have an idea of who you are before I send in invite.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I thought I would pass along a blog that is doing sort of like a Dear Abby for adoption reunions. I sent in an email and thought I would pass the blog along. I was a little nervous to do it because it's just feels like it's too much personal information to be given out about my reunion. I try to get it in my private blog. I wouldn't want my daughter to come across stuff that was so close to her story that she thought she was in it. However, I did it because I think it's helpful to share and learn from each other.
go here to check them out. I will probably delete this in a few days so if my daughter did have come across my blog it doesn't send her there. So, if you like the blog save the link because like I said I plan on deleting it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Kids say the funniest things

My son is 11 and still believes in the tooth Fairy. He lost a tooth on Sunday and the tooth fairy forgot to pay him a visit. I felt rotten in the morning and told him to try again.

I went to go volunteer at MELD and it's going great with three women running the show. I think we are getting a little more control. Well, off the subject of teeth.

My husband told me that Stephen asked him in the straightest face if he did anything to the tooth Fairy!! That is too funny!

The Tooth Fairy left him three bucks this time! She has to pay for getting herself too busy and not making it in time.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Two years

My husband has been sober for two years now! It's the marked anniversary of the seizure that sent him to the floor at his work and then the hospital. He slowed down on drinking mostly due to lack of funds to support his addiction. It wasn't because he wanted to quit or he was doing it for me. He was broke. We were broke. Well, that's my impression of it all.

He has came out of the ordeal without a desire to drink. He doesn't promise that the desire won't ever come back. He hasn't ever been two years sober probably since he was 30 years of age.

I made him a nice Fried Chicken dinner. I thought it was the least I can do. That and I plan on taking him two roses for his birthday. I call it a birthday because it's like a renewed chance at life. It's not just his life but his whole family has been given a second chance to see the person he could be if drinking wasn't on his mind 24/7. I remember how his goal for the day was to earn 18.00 dollars so he could smoke and drink. I felt like the whole household was on my shoulders because his caring stopped at his smokes and drinking. He would use whatever mean things he could say to support his addiction if he didn't make it.

I do not believe we would be married today if he was drinking. I do not believe that my family would be intact and as happy as we are if he was drinking. I do not think that I would still have my house if he was drinking. By the way, our house has been saved and is no longer in danger of foreclosure due to the government program put in place.

Tonight, I told my husband something that I have been holding in. He has this glass that he mostly drank his booze from. It's not a shot class but a see through cup like a coffee cup. I told him every time I see water in that cup that I get scared and taste it. Every time, it's just stale water and I feel foolish. I just can't stop thinking of Vodka when I see that cup.

My husband hunted that cup out of the cabinet and threw it away. I know he is a recovery alcoholic but I firmly believed he has stumbled on some miracle cure. I am so proud of him. I am amazed at the changes in him.

He know longer goes to work and thinks I just need to make X amount of dollars for my addictions. Of course, he never called them that even though he knew that it was what it is. Now, he works and sometimes it's still wanting to make X amount for a bill or this or that but it's never just about feeding his addiction.

My husband has changed in many other ways and mostly just good. For privacy reasons, I won't blog about the one thing that has changed.

I blogged about this because if others are living with addiction or a loved one there is hope that they can beat it. We are still working on the smoking but I am not holding my breath!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

For years, I have been working on Izzy's scrapbook. I never thought that after meeting her that I wouldn't hand it to her. It's just that I don't feel like it's finished. I haven't been all that motivated to do it either. Maybe, it's because I feel like I put so much into it that I really don't want to give it up. However, it was never intended for me to keep. Also, it's just not complete.

I need to get working on it. I picked up a nice journal that is about the same size of the scrapbook pages and I think I am going to try to start writing letters to her from my heart. So, my plan is to get back into working on it and hopefully someday I will feel like it's complete and ready to give it to her.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I read lots of blogs and the ones that I like the most are the ones that tell a story and express their feelings. I especially love the blogs from adoptees that do this. I know there are adoptees who devote their time to education and opening up the records and stuff. I am not complaining that they do that but I love it when I find the blogs that share their feelings with adoption and reunion.

I found two new blogs lately and it's ironic that both of them are reunited with their birthfathers and both of them had a falling out with their birthmom's. I don't know all the details but just thought how I would share how they seem to be experiencing some of the same things.

The first blog I found is here

The second blog that I found and I read the whole blog to catch up and I admit that I don't do that very often is here

Check them out and one thing that I love is that both women seem friendly and welcome comments and write back. It's a blogging pet peeve of mine if someone actually asks a question and they ignore the question all together.

Monday, May 9, 2011

More flower pictures

The pink flowers in the vase our from my oldest son. They are so pretty. I think this is the first that he has given me that he earned with his own money.

All the flowers lined up together. I let the older kids pick the plants for their Mom.
It wouldn't let me load anymore.

Mother's Day 2011

I didn't hear from my daughter on Mother's Day. It made me very sad. However, I was prepared that it was possible that I would not hear from her and understood that I needed to fill my mind with happy thoughts because I want Mother's Day to be a happy day.

All my sadness, isn't around my daughter. It's also about how I have just never have had a relationship with my Mom and it's just kind of sad. I read something how someone who lost their Mom to death feels sad when people complain about their Mom's. However, I am sad because I don't have very many happy memories of my Mom and I don't know what it feels like to be a daughter.

Like I said though, I wanted to make my day a good one.

I called Pam, she was my math teacher from 10th grade to 12 grade and we reconnected when she had a party for retirement. Last year, I took her flowers and a card on Mother's Day and in addition to my Mom. I never heard from my Mom but of course Pam called me the next day. I just dropped in and was caught by her husband dropping them off. It was a little comical.

This year, I just called Pam to wish her a happy Mother's day. We talked for about 15 minutes or so. I told her how I was sad because I didn't think I would hear from Izzy. I told her how she fills the void that I feel from a loss of my Mom. She said, if her only thing in life that she has done is to do that for me then she is happy. I told her how I tend to over analyze things and she said "you are my daughter" It was so sweet. Pam doesn't call me a whole lot. I have caught myself wondering am I being unfair to my Mom? No. I don't think I am. Pam does call me sometimes. Also, you can literally imagine Pam jumping up and down when she hears my voice. She says, Cristyyy!!!! We plan on getting together sometime in the summer. Our relationship is unique. She is double my age. I feel that I am so blessed to have her in my life. I may have been given a crappy hand and was given a bad Mom but this great lady has welcomed me with open arms. Our friendship has opened my eyes that people can really love those that are not related to.

Then, I went to my babysitting job at the church and both kids came with me. Normally, Alex is still sleeping but was up early and he came along too. At first, we only had one child and we took a nature walk in the woods with him. There was five people at least 16 and older watching one child. Then, another child came and we went back to the nursery.

My husband, both sons and granddaughter went to a cookout for a simple cookout. It was such a beautiful day and we enjoyed the sounds of nature and had some pretty good food. Oh yea and Alex gave me some pretty flowers. Stephen didn't get me anything because he spent his allowance on himself. This is the first year, that I didn't give money to someone to take him shopping. I figure they have to learn these things.

After, Alex went home to his place where he lives with his Dad. I went out and bought some plants for the MELD Mom's. For my new readers, MELD is an non for profit organization that houses and provides supports, education and job training for young Mom's. They have parenting groups for Mom's and Dad's and I volunteer while they are in class once a week. I made up nine plants just to be on the safe side. I needed to do something good to cancel out my sadness that my daughter didn't take the time to reach out to me. I am not angry at my daughter, but just sad. I know that I don't get a lot of the credit for her great life but I did hold out hope to hear from her. I held out quite a while but it never came.

When my husband offered to buy blizzards from DQ if I ran to get them, I jumped on the chance. I figure a little chocolate would help make me feel good. I know it's not good to use food like that but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

Back to the flowers, my sister joined me again for babysitting for MELD. It's her second night. We also had another volunteer. It went from just me and the driver to three women watching out after the children. Now, the driver can do what he needs to do or wants to do and doesn't have to do the childcare.

I had my sister take some pictures of the flowers. I let the older children choose the plant to give to their Mom. I also gave the daughter to the women who runs the Mom group a plant to give her Mom too. They're dog just died today and the daughter was sad about it. I hope it made things a little better.

Enjoy the pictures of the flowers and thanks to the two people who recently donated to MELD. I hope you know how much it means to me that you support my work for MELD.
All the blogs that I follow are gone. They are not coming up in my reader. Anyone else using blogger have this problem? How will I ever survive without knowing what's going on with the blogs that I love to read.

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day! Mine was pretty good. More on that later.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


Has anyone that is a birthmother or adoptee in reunion suggested that the other person read any books to get a better idea of the things that the other person can relate to? If you have suggested that your birthmother or child (adoptee) read something how do you suggest such a thing without making it sound as if your complaining or unhappy with the relationship? I thought about this tonight and thought maybe if my daughter read some about birthmothers she would understand me more. Then, I got to thinking that my issues are my issues and don't need to be dumped on her.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I decided that at on Monday for MELD Mom's I am going to take them all a plant. Anyone want to donate to to help me with this last minute idea of mine. I been thinking about it and it's something that I can look forward to and will help me deal with some of my Mother's Day sadness that I feel during this time of the year.
I have an average of 7 Mom's that come in now. I think it would be nice to surprise them with a plant because even though they are young Mom's they still need to feel loved. If you can help that would be awesome and if you can't that's okay too.

I hope everyone has a great Mother's Day! I know it's not always a happy day for those that have suffered a loss of motherhood in some way or another. My sadness around Mother's Day is new. This is my second year with it. Maybe, it's because I don't have a relationship with my Mom or maybe because my loss of Motherhood to Izzy is more real now that we are in reunion.

I am going to try to make the best of it though. I actually am really lucky. I have my two sons. I have two step children and of course I know Izzy is alive and well. I also have a granddaughter who I love. Everyday she steals more of my heart. She is such a cute girl.

I am hoping for a cookout at a park and have a nice time with my family. What ever your plans are I hope the happiness can outweigh the sadness of the day.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I had a dream. I was around other people who were effected by adoption. A couple women, said that birthmom admitted to not calling her child on his birthday. I remember in my dream telling her this.
Birthmom's feel like they are not wanted and also feel like they are a pest in their child's life. They want to be in their lives but they feel like they don't deserve to be. Isn't that really sad?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I was showing off pictures of my daughter's dog all dressed up and my husband said, "how old is she" I said, "19" He says, "of course she dresses up her dogs, her Mom dresses up and plays with dolls"
It was a nice moment being remembered as her Mom.Especially by him because of all the fights we used to have about how the past was better left in the past. He was too quick to think of how her parents might feel. I love how my husband continues to change and has made huge improvements in his ways of thinking. By the way, about the middle of May marks the two years since he quit drinking and landed himself in the hospital with the seizure. It was the scary event but he walked out of that hospital with the desire to drink gone.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I been thinking more about birthmother's day and well I haven't changed my mind. I just don't like it for myself. I could think of a number of reasons that maybe play a part in how I feel.

  • I am not proud of being a birthmom.
  • It's not like I was in an open adoption where I could have seen first hand how my child was doing well.
  • It's not like my daughter's parents treated me like a friend and expressed how happy they were to be my daughter's Mom and Dad.
  • I didn't choose adoption. It was chosen for me.
  • Too much guilt in shame is wrapped in adoption for me to celebrate the day.
  • I don't think most people would even know birthmother's day exists to even remember birthmoms if they could bring themselves to bring it up.
  • I don't need a special day to think of my child lost for adoption because I think of her everyday.

Monday, May 2, 2011

birthmother's day

I thought I would write on the subject since it's coming up. I personally don't choose to celebrate it or give it much thought. I never knew about it until I started to blog a few years ago. I mentioned it to my husband and he looked it and thought it was kind of silly. Some of the suggestions on how to celebrate the day he thought seemed like another way to make a holiday and make a few bucks. Some of the suggestions seemed sad. Buy yourself a present.. How depressing no one to celebrate with you and buy a present. It's not that I am against buying myself something from time to time. I love to shop when I have a few bucks to blow on myself. I just don't need a holiday to do it.

I do like to celebrate Mother's day! It's the day of the year that can be about me and I enjoy it. It has changed over the years. I admit that with my second husband I have to kind of hint to my wishes about the day. Last year, we went out to dinner and this year, I think I want to have a cookout a park. I don't mind kind of expressing my wishes rather than not doing anything and my husband wouldn't know why I was upset.

I know my plans for Mother's day seems like I have to do my own day and I guess that would be the same as if I celebrated birthmother's day. I guess it helps that on Mother's Day I do have my family with me. If I choose to celebrate birthmother's day my daughter would be missing from the day. Also, how can I celebrate my loss to her from adoption. I just can't imagine getting all fancied up and saying we are celebrating my loss. Ugh! I am not proud of my failure to be a Mother to my first child.

Mother's Day does have another meaning now that I have contact with my daughter. It's mixed feelings about it though. My loss to my daughter seems more real now? She doesn't think of me as Mom. I am happy for what I do have with my daughter and that gives me some comfort.

I don't mean any negative feelings for those who do celebrate birthmother's day.