Friday, November 30, 2012

teenager struggles

Things have been getting very heated at my house. I don't like the things my son has been doing or not doing but I just don't have it in me to kick him out or withhold food.

I can understand a lot about how my husband feels but at the same time some of his expectations and how he has handled my oldest son isn't the same way I believe he handled his own kids.

My children don't deserve any less than his did.

I know it's going to take a lot of comprises about what we are willing or not willing to do. My husband read some stuff about how to make a grown child move and that's by making things hard on them. Make them miserable. Make them set up to fail.

Tonight, while I was at work. My husband did talk to Alex quite a bit about how everyone is busy doing something and he is doing nothing.

The deal at the moment is that Alex is going to be cooking all our dinners thru our lessions to teach him how to cook. I do agree with this.

Alex's Dad has basically refused to talk to him due to my son not trying to hide that he smokes pot. That and the fact that almost everything Alex has ever been bought (electronics) has disappeared and Dad (bio) thinks it's due to drugs.

Truth be told.. We don't know if that's true or not. His stories are fishy. What we do know is that we are done buying him expensive electronics due to the disappearing act that they do.

It has come out that Alex is mad at Dad because he promised him a tattoo and Dad said he couldn't afford it but spent over 200 on himself.

It has also come out that Alex is mad that I only gave him a 20 dollar gift card. My husband said that they had a talk about how much the house payment is and all the rest of the bills.

I am hoping things calm down a bit. I just can't handle the stress/

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Confession time

I might be posting a series of posts about my son and life happenings around here and if you have any advice or feel we as me or my husband are being harsh please tell me but tell me what you would do instead.

My 18 year old doesn't have a job or go to school.

I asked him to help me with dinner and I admit I said it wrong by telling him he would have to cook. I then said that all I expected was help and so far he is flat refusing.

As we speak he is now giving in to helping. If my son had kept on refusing to help what do you think we as parents of a grown child should do?

Zumba live!!

I did zumba at 530 am to help promote a zumbathon for a good cause. They are raising money for tetnus for women in 3rd world countries. It just happened to be live to promote the zumbathon.
My husband watched it and said the camera was on me due to where I was standing. I won't be making an habit of zumba that early in the morning but it was kind of exciting.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Open Adoption, Open heart. Book tour.

I was ask to participate in a book tour of Open Adoption, Open Heart. I found the book to be a good read and it was hard to put it down. I am not going to give my personal opionion about the book in general when it comes to it being an adoption story.

Here is the author's guest post.

We feel like it is our job to load up our kids’ tool box- to do our best to make sure they have the tools they will need for the future. My wife and I went through a lot of crazy things, legal and emotional, while we were going through our adoptions. A lot of things we did for our own benefit and a lot of things were done for the benefit of the birth parents. Everything we did was for the benefit of our children. If we didn’t think it would benefit them, we wouldn’t have done it.
My children are still pretty young. Open Adoption, Open Heart is the story of our first adoption (the story of our second adoption will be out in a few months). It tells about our journey while developing the relationships of an open adoption, starting with our infertility struggles up through one year after our adoption took place. It was important for me to wait a year to write the book because the birth and placement of the child into our home is just a piece of the story- a piece in the middle, not the end.
Open adoption is a broad term that means there is still contact between the biological parents and the adoptive family. In some cases, like with ours, there is a lot of contact. We talk to our son’s birth mom a few times a week and share photos constantly. With our daughter’s birth mom, she has asked for a little more space than that, so we talk to her once every few weeks, and send pictures when she requests them. Contact with our daughter’s birth dad is about the same.
Right now is the time we’re paving the roads. One of our kids is 2 ½ and the other is just 17 months behind. They’re still too young to really comprehend what’s going on. When their birth parents come to visit, I can see that they know of the intense love shown to them- more than just our friends show them, but I don’t think they grasp the difference between that love and the love of, say,their aunts and uncles. We’re working on that, though. We have pictures of their birth parents on their bedroom walls. We take time to explain it to them. They don’t understand yet, but someday it will make sense.
We’re paving those roads, flattening out the bumps the best we can. Someday the time will come when we hand the keys over to the kids. Someday it will be for them to decide what that relationship will be. If they want less contact than what we’ve established, we will be ready to accept that. If they want more contact that what we’ve established, we’ll be ready for that too. The pathway between their biological family and their adopted family will be paved the best we can for when that time comes.
We love their biological families dearly. We love them for whom they are and they love us. Our children will no doubt see that love and our hope is that they’ll respond in kind. Their history is not one of abandonment, but is of love. They’ll have access firsthand to seeing that’s true. Hooray for birth parents. Hooray for open adoption.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

adoption reunions

If your an reader on my private blog you might have also read about my visit I had with Izzy with her boyfriend and my two sons.

What I been putting off blogging about is that my first instict is to see Izzy on my own. I know that might sound bad.

Anyways, Alex, my now grown child asked me why was I the only one who got to see Izzy? Well, truth be told that not true. She came to his graduation party and I believe we have celebrated my birthday and Alex's birthday so they have seen her. He actually forgot she was there but then remembered the joke that went bad.

I didn't invite Izzy to any formal birthday plans this year because we kept things really low key for a few reasons. She did have lunch with us on his birthday but it wasn't really made a big deal it was his birthday.

I told Alex that it's not my responsibility to be the middle man in their relationship. It's up to him to try to have an relationship with her. Even though I know that things are not easy. I stand by what I say when it's not up to me to keep them connected using me.

I told him that I try very hard to keep communication opened even if most of our concersations are because I start them. I quickly told him about how the last visit when she was in town last wasn't very good at all. I think I might have said something to the matter of her being a brat. I said all this because I still have to work on my relationship with her. I can't do it for them.

When Izzy and I got together I mentioned to her how he got a little upset with me about not being invited with. She said, he never talks to me. Also, said that he could have come with. I said, yea, I know but shopping didn't seem like the thing to have him tag along with.

I know this adoption reunion thing probably isn't easy on him. I can only imagine how it feels when Izzy does something on facebook and tags her brother that she was raised with "brother" but she doesn't do the samething for him or my other son. If I feel the sting.. I imagine Alex does too. Stephen really isn't on FB much to feel much of anything.

Even though, I told my son it was up to him to make arrangements to see Izzy and gave him her number I still arranged the lunch and game thing for both of my kids. Alex grumbled at my choice of what we were doing but he never offered suggestions for anything else.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Holidays and reunion

In reunion are there any birthchildren and birthparents who celebrate holidays together? Or are they invited but never can come?

My daughter moved away last year but comes "home" several times a year it seems. She is here in town and while we talked about Thanksgiving plans and traditions there wasn't an invite on either of our parts. I haven't met any of her family so of course it's no way expected that she would invite us.

On the other hand, she has met quite a bit of my family. My sister, my sons', my husband, my Dad, my brother, my ex husband and his wife, my best friend, my second Mom (teacher I have blogged about) My best friend,

She has yet to meet my oldest sister, my step brother, my stepmother, my mother, non of my aunts and uncles that are still alive, non of my cousins. (for the record our family just isn't close so it's unlikely she will ever meet any aunts and uncles or cousins)

I didn't invite her for dinner but we didn't invite anyone for Thanksgiving. It was just the four people that live here. Notice, I didn't say family? Isn't that such a loaded word? If we say family while talking to an adoptee.. does that mean we are exlcludind them?

Anyways, I didn't invite her but it's not cause I wouldn't like to spend an holiday with her. I know she has her family and her boyfriend's family and I just wouldn't want to put her on the spot to have to decline the invite.

I do send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her. I really haven't included her boyfriend in gift giving except for I did make him a coffee cup back during the summer and gave them both one filled with candy.

I am just wondering how others deal with holidays and reunion. We have opened our hearts as much as possible to Izzy. She has celebrated my son's 17th birthday and his 18th if you count on outing as his birthday celebration. It really wasn't set up as a birthday thing. More on that later. She has been here in our home for our son's graduation.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Shopping with my girl

My daughter came into town and I asked if we could get together. It's one of those things that I don't have the comfidence in knowing that she would always fit us in. When she answered via text that she would have time I almost felt like it was like duh I have time for you.

We had plans to shop and to get a little fast food that was in the same area. My 17 year old soon got a little upset with me and aksed how come you only get to see Izzy? More on that later.

Anyways, I let go of my expecations and tried to accept whatever it was she was willing to give me. I didn't reqest no boyfrind but shopping thing kind of exlcuded him without excluding him.

She showed up on her own and we went to Old Navy first. I had been planning on actually buying clothes but the prices were too good to pass up.

It just felt so natural talking as we shopped and comparing what we liked and didn't like. It was mostly summer clothes so some of it we joked about how her Dad wouldn't let her wear it. She is the one who brought him up. I find it cute she is 21 and he would still tell her if she was exposing too much skin. I notice that when she talks about her Dad that my jealosy radar doesn't kick in.

We both were very cheap in our chosing of clothes so we walked about with some really good bargains.

We went over to Koh;'s and did the same thing except for I only found one thing that I wanted and she bought abour the same amount of clothes from them. I don't know how anyone really buys clothes from both these stores at full price.

After shopping we walked to taco bell and ate lunch there. Our time felt good there too. It was fast food so I didn't set out expecting a whole lot more time with her at this point. We ate and talked about our diet and how we both are addicted to myfitnesspal. I told her what I beleive is my reason for my results and how I try not to refuse myself anything just eat smaller portions. I explained how I have yet to gain any weight back. I don't sweat it if I don't see a loss.

I think she is beautiful!! I hope she takes some of my diet stragies and uses themself herself. I know what I am doing might not work for everyone but I think the mind set is a lot of it.

We didn't talk about my kids too much. The last time I just felt like I was being judged. I don't think she was trying to come off that way but we have so little time together that I just don't want to talk about my children's faults with her.

We were together shortly over 2 hours!! That was huge!! No speed dating!! I didn't walk away sad and feeling unloved.

We did get asked if we were sisters! She piped up that I am her birthmom. I was glad she said that because I don't know how she would feel if I said she was my daughter wihtout futher explanation.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow blogger and reader friend's!! Hope your holiday is enjoyable with family and a great meal.

I am thankful for a lot of things this year.

Gonna list some but not in any order really.

My family. My children. My reunion with Izzy. Our visits with her went smooth this time around. Greatful to working for a company that treats us pretty well. My pets. My weight loss sucess. Being able to replace the majority of my clothes. The pleasure of actually finding clothes that fit at thrift shops. My long term clients. I still own my own home. Our nice weather so far. Hot chocolate in the winter. I kicked my McDonald's habit. I reduced my soda intake from about 6 liters a day to about 2. I have a good running car. My new friends that I gained from the retreat for special needs. My blogger friends who get adoption stuff. My readers. The child support is coming again. We got past my son's 18th birthday. My love of reading and writing. My special friend Pam who fills a little bit of a role of Mom who I miss out with my own. My friend Rachel who I have known for about ten years.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

my secret

I don't really have a secret to weight loss but here is what I have been doing to lose weight.
A blogger blogged about myfitnesspal. It's an ap that you can put on a smartphone and you can use it also online. That smart phone isn't a must but it's been easier having both options.

They gave me a calorie goal and at first it was 2050 calories a day. I told it how much I wanted to lose a week. I don't do well being hungry so I went with one pound a week. MFP gave me a calorie defcit of 500 calories a day to lose the one pound.

From goofing around on the website I have learned a few things. It takes 3500 calories over your TDEE (that is what your body burns a day) to gain weight. So, it takes minus the 3500 calories to lose the weight.

It's pretty simple when you think about it. It's all about the numbers of what is going in and how much you burn. MFP is set up to lose weight even if you don't work out. I haven't really tested that because in April I got into doing zumba and I do it an average of 2 to 4 times a week. I have slowed down on the zumba a bit and started walking to give myself more down time.

Myfitnesspal has you logging your food and workouts (calorie burn) It gives the workout calorie burns back to you to eat. Everyone is different on to eat that or not.

I have tried to go at this as a lifestyle change and not a diet. I did give up most fast food but not all. My biggest problem area on fast food was McDonald's and I rarely eat there now. I do still weekly get Taco Bell after a 12 hour day. Once in a great while I get Subway. We get take out pizza here and there. I try to eat less of it but it's sort of hard. Pizza is so yummy.

I don't not allow myself to eat food from any group. I eat what I want and when I want it. I do measure food on a food scale. I believe everything in moderation.

In the beginning, I looked at my triggers and fixed them by finding another way to satisfy the craving. I had a bad habit at getting little debbie brownies or zingers and those are about 600 to 700 calories. I changed it up where if I get the chocolate craving I will have a candy bar or a couple york mint patties.

I eat a lot of fruit. It's the only way I can keep under my goal on average. I don't eat as many veggies as I should but I do try.

My calorie goal goes down as I lose more weight. I am currently at 1790 a day. It's a bit of a challenge but when I do zumba I burn about 800 calories so it gives me a little wiggle room.

I tend to look at the whole week and not just the day. I might have one or two days where I go over the calorie goal but had other days with say 600 to 800 calories left that I don't sweat it. I figure it all balances out. The point is to have more good days than bad days though.

So in therory you can cut calories and lose weight and not workout. Since I don't feel that will work for me I work out to burn the calories to held aid my loss. I also think it helps shape your body better compared to just using diet alone.

I try to eat healthy along with my treats that I like. I haven't given them up because I don't think I could stick with it if I didn't allow room for my cakes, cookies, brownies and candy bars. Oh and don't forget ice cream. I just don't eat them all in one day. Mostly when I am eating cakes, brownies and stuff it's things we make at home compared to picking up little debbies and zingers on my way to work. I had a bad habit of getting into a routine of always starting my work day with this treat or that treat. I am amazed at how filled my food diary can get if I am not eating loads of high calorie foods.

I have lost weight before and gained it back. I hope it's different this time. I think I have an better understanding of this whole process and the bad part is that when I lost 50 lbs before it was with a weight loss place and I paid them.

It has helped me that I don't sweat it if I don't lose one week. I don't have a home scale so I can only really get a true weight if I workout at the Y in the morning before 3 meals and snacks and water. I do step on the scale but if I am 3 pounds over I don't take it for real because I know I didn't eat 10 grand of calories over my goal.

I have never officially gained any of this weight back. I find that hopeful that I will be able to maintain the loss.

This is going to be a trying week. I overdid it today on calories cause we ate at the church for Thanksgiving. I was just invited to a birthday party tomorrow for my best friend and that is going to interupt my zumba time.

Also, I will be seeing my daughter tomorrow for lunch but it should't set me too far back because I suggested taco bell or Subway. Wedesday my son is turning 18 years of age. Then of course Thanksgiving dinner. I hope it doesn't set me back. I would hate to ruin my record of never gaining them back.

Last points. I haven't done any quick fix diets. It's all been calorie counting and working out. Also, I am not in a big hurry. I didn't gain the weight over night and I don't expect the loss of it overnight.

Hope this helps and maybe get ya started to losing that 40 lbs or anyone else who has been thinking about getting started with weight loss.

I made my 40 lb mark for weight loss. So, if I can scrape the 20 bucks for some new jeans I am going to get my size 14!! I gave away a lot of my clothes in the begging but for some reason I don't want to just give away all my jeans.

I still have some size 20's, 18's and 16's. Maybe it's a what if I gain it back or just don't want to be wasteful and give away good clothes.

I love how jealous my husband is getting. I think it's a healthy jealous because I really don't feel like he is serious.

I have never been able to wear clothes that show off my shape. They have always been lose and hanging. Now, I go for the shirts that either hug my skin or have a little breathing room.

I have 9 and half more pounds to lose before my final goal. If I lose one pound a week I will be done before I know it.

Saturday, November 17, 2012


My son Stephen has gone about a month without a major meltdown. This is huge. His father was suppose to be home from driving truck to surprise him but ended up getting another load. Good thing it was a "surprise" He doesn't know anything different.
I am going to be really curious of Stephen throws a huge fit after this weekend.

He is getting dropped at the Church Sunday early due to the one I babysit for having Thanksgiving lunch. So, hopefully, things will go smoother as he will have a little bit of downtime before we ask him to do his homework and become the mean ones again.

However, we had to let Alex know about the surprise cause no way would he be willing to go with his stepmother for the weekend if Dad wasn't home. So we told Alex about the surpise and had to undo the damage.

My ex told me thanks for understanding. I think he is telling the wrong person. It doesn't matter how I feel. It matters how his children feels.

It's unlikely he will be home for Alex's 18th birthday. I don't know if this new job is worth the money. I have yet to go back to court for back support or to raise the child support. He is still in training mode so I thought I would wait it out.

I am not sure how long I can afford to wait it out though because we are pretty sure my current husband's unemployment has just ran out. Well, I am sure. He is in denial.

Alex is hanging around home more now that he hasn't gotten a job. He has a girlfriend and she has been spending most evenings here. She has been eating meals with us or snacking on food. My husband informed me that she ate 2 bananas and an apple today.

I really like her and not sure what to make of me feeding another person. We wonder if someone else is feeding my son on the days he isn't home. However. without a job that's not too far off anymore. Except he isn't always home for dinner. I know a lot of people disagree with my opionion that sooner or later if he continues to waste his dinner that I would learn how to cook for 3 again on some nights.

My husband has talked to my son about birth control ect. I don't know if they are having sex but I can't live in denial that they might be. My husband seemed to think it hit home with my son when he told him that your Mom and Dad were expecting you at this age now.

Thinking about my son getting a girl pregnant and having a baby is a scary thought. I wonder if this is those ah ha moments that Mom's start seeing things thru our parents eyes. I wonder what I would do if my son and her had a baby and didn't have the means to support it?

Would I have the means to support it? If I am wondering if I can afford to feed the girl an apple and two bananas a day.. will I be able to take care of her baby?

Scary thoughts. Not saying I agree with my Mom but it is scary. I think I would do everthing in my power to help but not sure if it could be enough.

In six days, my son is going to be a legal adult. All my parents children except one left before or right at the age of 18. If he doesn't move out and I don't see it happening this is going to be new for me.

I don't mind my son staying on but he needs a job so he can take care of himself and feed his own girl her fruit. She is really polite and cute and I do like her. She eats like a little mouse so it's not too bad. I don't have the heart to tell a child.she can't eat.

My job has been stressful this week. My clients memories are getting worse and the repective questions are more and more. They also say and do funny things and drive me batty. Holidays make things worse for them.

Good news is that I am getting a review on Tuedays so I will probably get a little raise. I hope the .17 cents go a long way. haha

Speaking of work. I am going to actually get some time off on Thanksgiving so that's cool.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I have volunteered for Kids Crisis Center five times now. I probably won't be blogging about specific children much because for the most part I have seen different children. They do have regular customers that need help but I am there once a week for three hours so I don't always catch the same kids.

This place is the same as the adoption agency that gave me free counseling. I have came out of the closet on why my heart is in volunteering with children and I tried to tell them the name of the counslors but I drew a blank and couldn't remember either of the two women that I had seen.

Of course later I remembered both of their names. So in a way, my volunteering is paying back for all the free counseling.

While I am there I am doing quite more than I ever did with MELD. It's such a different kind of place. It's a home so I have played, cooked and cleaned. I have even filed paperwork for them.

I love how I can choose my hours and days and it feels less demanding than the other volunteering I did. Besides the fall out with ME%LD. This nursery just fits in with my hectic life better. Also maybe it's cause I am still new to it but I don't feel like they have lost the point of what they are doing.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


For the last two Fridays I have caught this show on lifetime that is about teens leading down a wrong path of drugs, drinking and stealing ect.

Basically it's an intervention where this guy comes in and tries to work with the family.

First week, it was an adopted 16 year old girl with drug addiction. It so happens that the man that is doing the show was left at a hospital and grew up in foster case and was abused.

The show last night was a 17 year old boy that was adopted from another country at the age of five. He was smoking pot and stealing. Basically made the whole family not want him around.

The family was counting down the days until they could kick him out at 18 years of age. The Dad even admitted to showing dog poop in the boy's face and said he would do it again if needed.
The father had never told his child that he loves him in all the years that they had him.
They even went as far as to tell him that they wished they didn't adopt him.

Both children form these shows had abandonment and rejection issues. The first story the guy felt so strongly that he found her birthmom and they reunited. She learned that she had addiction problems on her side and the side of her biological father's side.

Both children seemed to come to some kind of wanting to change mode and both went off to somewhere to get treatment and to work thur their issues.

The past that struck me as shocking is that they said that 50% of all adoptive children end up homeless. 50% really? I would like to know where they get their numbers from. Also, do the math, 50% of all children raised with their orginal parents are homeless!!

Is this a tragic story of adoption or are today's youth just jacked up?? At what point if a child ends up homeless as an adult is it no longer the fault of the parents or the upbringing?

My son Alex is driving me nuts and so far not job searching that we can tell. Do I really have the guts to throw him out after he turns 18? At what point if he continues to "party" and try to come in at all hours of the night is his homeless state no longer my fault?

I am not implying that I have plans to kick my son out but I feel like when he is acting all big shot "like a grown up" he should be able to take care of himself "like a grownup"

How far do I let my family go down the tubes emotionally and financially for someone who isn't pulling their weight with help of money or even chores.

Done venting!!

I wonder if this show is going to show an adopted child with each episode. In a way, I think it's cool. It shows that adoption isn't always rainbows and sunshine. Also, that adoptive parents are not always gold.

However, to be fair, I think they should show families having issues that were born into the family.

Has anyone else seen the show I am talking about? If so. What did you think about it?

Friday, November 9, 2012

I have yet to buy brand new clothes for myself. I deceided that if tomorrow the scale shows a 2 lb loss making my total loss on my ticker to 39 lbs I am going to buy at least one pair of those size 14 jeans. Wish me luck.

Update: My side thing on weight loss says 39 lbs lost but I am really at 38.5 lbs so I didn't make the goal.

As much as I want the jeans I am still excited to see the loss. I only aim for 1 lb a week but have been trying to eat cleaner and workout more often. I have slowed down on zumba at the YMCA and added walking on most days that I don't do zumba.

I am glad that I am not stalled or going backwards. We have had a while without the meltdowns and it came to me that me slowing down at the Y is another thing that has changed with our family.

The others are that Stepeh didn't go to his Dad's to see the stepmom.
He has had candy everyday but not much and honestly the candy he was given was crappy.
His counslor is away on vacation cause she got married.

I don't know if one of these is the cause of the meltdowns going away or nothing related to it. I will take it though.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Growing up

In two weeks, I will be the Mom to grown up. This is new to me even though I do have an adult child. I am having a hard time wrapping my finger and heart around the idea that at the 18th birthday I lose all legal rights to my son.

Not only do I lose legal rights to him I no longer will be financially responsible for him. I don't have to house him, clothe him or feed him. This doesn't mean that my son will be asked to move out or start feeding himself after his birthday.

He lost his job and he has been told that we can't afford to support him and he must find a new job. One example my husband gave him was on the theory if we gave him 5 dollars a week to eat and how much that is monthly. Kind of late here but I believe that is 140 dollars a month and of course I can't feed a 6 foot 4 inches 200 lb man on five dollars a day.

Another thing we did is that my husband took him to the dollar store and they bought him personal care items and it's been told that he needs to start buying these things.

He has been having his girlfriend over quite a bit and tonight she ate with us. I didn't have enough to feed her so I left in a hurry after only eating half what I would have ate and acted like I was running late to get my friend for aqua zumba. Truth was that I didn't have it in me to serve her half as everyone else was getting.

Speaking of money. I got my first week of child support since my husband changed jobs. For some reason they only took half and sent me 50 dollars. He gets paid weekly now. 50 dollars really shows how little he pays. It's like he pays 25 a week for each kid. I blogged about not being able to feed my kid on five a day.

Child support for Alex will stop when he is 18 but not sure if that requires a court date or not.

Sorry for jumping all over but the whole girlfriend thing.. do I just deal with feeding her since when I was dating their Dad.. his Mom fed me too?

Basically he would give me half of his dinner but he was eating two servings of pork ect. Whatever it was that they ate. I don't overly feed my son don't think cutting his portion in half will work. Is this like payback?

Monday, November 5, 2012

follow up post

I wanted to touch base a little more on this post here.

I call Izzy my daughter and no one can take that away or change my mind. I will refer to Izzy as my sons' sister not birthsister or half. If people can adopt children and their children be whole sisters/brothers then half doesn't belong in the description.

What I want to touch base with is that even though I call Izzy my daughter I respect tht I am not her Mom and she has a Mom that was there for her and will continue to be Mom.

I don't expect the Mother's day card addressed to Mom or birthday cards addressed to Mom. I would love it and would feel honored if Izzy choose to call me Mom or one of her Mother's.

I do have to accept my place in her life and that is her birthmom.

Izzy is my daughter but I am not her Mother.

I know my husband feels a little different and I understand why he feels the way he does. At times he gets upset with me cause I don't like to talk about it. It often ends up feeling like a debate and I am not up for a debate about my right or non right to call Izzy my daughter.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I started trying to lose weight in February. A blogger had wrote about myfitnesspal and since I just recently gotten a new phone I checked out the ap.

When I first started logging my food I thought it was kind of fun. Now, I find it a bit of a chore but keeps me in check with my food intake.

Every time the scale moves I am impressed that I pulled it off. I am 13 lbs away from a 50 lb weight loss goal.

It was with diet and exercise. I know some people blame not having time for an excuse to workout but if I can find time with working full time and being a Mom then I think a majority of the people who say they don't have time actually do if they tried to make it. I do believe that some people say that and it's just the truth. They don't have any time.

Today, I had to return something to Walmart and since my size 16's are loose I decided to try the next size down.

I picked out two size 14's and they fit!! I was amazed and shocked!! Me in a size 14? I don't recall ever owning a size 14. I wish I could have bought the jeans but my husband forgot to give me my debit card back from a soda run and I really can't afford to buy them.

I did the best thing and took a shot of me wearing one of the jeans.

I almost started to cry on the way home. I am not sure if it's the fact that I fit in them or that I had to leave them there.

One little neat thing about this weight loss journey is that Izzy is doing the same thing. We are both 37 pounds down and she said that my picture inspired her.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

daughter vs. birthdaughter or sister

My husband and I don't see eye to eye on most adoption related things.

When it comes to Izzy being a sister to my son's. I know my son's will have a much different reltionship than Izzy will have with them. They have different parents and did't grow up together. However, they are sister and brothers.

I just feel like that they all have lost so much that don't take that away from them. Don't make it as if they want to talk about Izzy that they shoudl refer to her as a birthsister. When you think about it isn't everyone a birthsister to their brother or sister?

To Izzy's credit, she has never once told me not to refer to her as "my daughter" We briefly spoke about it in writing and she told me she would feel the same way if she was in my shoes.

I know I didn't raise Izzy. I am not the Mom that was there every day. However, I thought about her daily. I wondered what she was like. Was she safe? Was she happy? I cried many tears of sadness due to just being in the dark. I would wonder if I ran into my own child would I know it's her? The truth is she looks so much like me I would think I would wonder if it's possible. However, I have seen other girls that reminded me of Izzy. Especially before we actually met in person.

One time at my son's school, I seen this girl that really made me wonder was I face to face with my daughter and we don't know each other? I listened in to hear her name cause I just didn't know.

Izzy hadn't agreed to meet me yet and I didn't want to have an accidental meeting for her sake.

Then there is this zumba instructor that reminds me of Izzy and me. I don't know if it's just me but the girl looks like she could fit in our family. I wonder if this the sort of thing that drives adoptees crazy? Staring at someone's face and wondering is it possible they are my mother? my father? My sister? My brother? Or some other distant relative?

Back to the daughter compared to birthdaughter question thing. It's the same thing. I lost so much don't take my right to call her "my daughter" away from me. I see no reason to say "birthdaughter" I don't mean any offence for birthparents that choose to call thier child in that way. Maybe, if I had raised another daughter I might say it to make the difference between placed child and raised child. But I really don't think so.

When it's Izzy's birthday.. I proudly search out the cards that are addressed to my daughter. They don't really make cards that say birthdaughter. I choose them carefully so the card is talking as if I did the hard work.

I suppose the whole child growing up and not knowing they had a sister could make things hard and it might be easier for a child to call her his birthsister or not admit to having a sister.

Alex will tell others he has a sister but Stephen doesn't really do that. Maybe, it has something to do with me telling him to shhhh we don't everyone Mommy gave away your sister. That was before we ever had contact.

Friday, November 2, 2012

I have decided to slow down on the zumba by a little bit. I don't have any clear set plans on if I will go back to my typical average of 3 to 4 times a week.

As of right now, I have decided not to do zumba on Saturday and Sunday both. My plan is to do it on Saturday morning but leave Sunday for more relaxing time. I hope to walk my dog more. I have already been doing that.

I hope to add more swimming to my routine. I am excited to try Aqua Zumba at this place called The Rock. The good part is that they have an hot tub and if you pay the five to get in then you get the use of the whole place. I can't wait to give it a try. I would switch gyms but I like all the YMCA has to offer for families.

I actually met a lady that lives a few streets over because she stopped me cause she seen me walking. She asked if I walked daily and I said no but I do zumba and she got all excited and we exhanged information and she said she would like to try it.

I was a little nervous about the can I ride with you question. LOL Hope she isn't a serial killer. However, I am such a zumba freak and love to share the craze I will risk fighting off a murderer. HAHA

Today, I sent her a text to see if she wanted to walk. We walked about 30 minutes and unless she is packing weapons I think I can take her. She appears to be much older. I am not sure if she understands what she is going herself into. Zumba Fitness Rush - Xbox 360 Kinect - Kinect Games & Accessories (Google Affiliate Ad)

Thursday, November 1, 2012

And the truth will set you free...

I love the movie Liar Liar and just had to steal that line. I haven't wanted to write about the job issue with Alex because I am just not sure what to do with Alex.

A couple days before we suspected something was up with his job he fell and broke a tooth on the carts. He explained people were getting fired around the 90 day mark and then came up with that he was sent home due to him not reporting his fall.

When my husband pushed for them to tell him where to go get the tooth fixed since it was work related he came clean that he was fired for being late.

Only in this case the truth isn't going to set him free. It puts him in the hot seat.

He didn't take the job serious. He never bought himself another pair of pants to help assure he had a clean uniform. He didn't make sure he got a decent nights sleep if he worked a morning shift. On a few occasions, we woke him up when we noticed he should have already left. My son acted like this just wasn't a big deal.

My son didn't pay his phone bill and today he should have gotten his last check.

We really don't have any plans. The only plan is to shut him off the internet if his phone isn't on tomorrow. We expect for him to get another job but at what point do you kick your child out? In 20 days, he will be grown. It's not that I am out to charge him an crazy amount for rent. However, I do feel as a newly grown up that he as long with everyone else has a responsbility in our house.

He is rarely home for meals. So much that when the other day he popped in and out and we were wondering what to do because we didn't cook enough chicken wings for a 4th person.

I refuse to support his partying days.

Speaking of support. My ex's new job received my paperwork and already took half of one payment from his weekly check.