Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It doesn't really surprise me that so many birth parents are speaking out online. Adoption has been treated as hush hush and birth parents have often felt like they were silenced. Starting off with their families. So, when your own family silences you then it's even harder to speak out in the world. I have always felt like I lived a double life.. like I wasn't true to myself. It's hard to explain. One day, a neighbor girl was being cute and really doing nothing wrong and the Mom said this is why you didn't have a girl. I wanted to come across the fence and touch her. It's those innocent statements that sometimes just really sting.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I added the link to my private blog. You will still need to log in to read it, but I thought this way you can find the link easier.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Today, I went to a memorial service for my live in client of two years. The family asked me to assist the wife (step mom) to the service and possibly to lunch. I was honored to be asked and I got to sit with the family. It was a beautiful service and he will be greatly missed. I felt really bad for the wife ( ex client) I know longer take care of her. During the summer, she was placed in a nursing home. I thought I would have been assisting them with lunch, but they decided not to take the wife to the lunch. I was still invited, but I didn't think they treated her fairly. I know it's not their real mother and real grandma (she has been gone for a long time) but come on.. don't they think she would have enjoyed the lunch and family or was the whole time they called her Grandma and told her that they loved her. Was it all a front? Now they can wash their hands of her since their Dad, Grandfather is gone.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I hope everyone had a really nice Christmas. Mine was pretty good. I really can't complain and even if I did no one would probably listen. Ha! I took a few pictures of the day. I think I take freaking horrible pictures, but oh well.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Am I the only person with bunnies trying to get the gifts from under the tree? This is normal right? hahaha.
I continue to be amazed by the support and the connections I have made through blogging. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the support from others in the adoption world. I started off blogging, because well, I was using it as therapy. I still get amazed at the connections I have made.
I have been able to talk on the phone with another birthmom. It's was great to talk to someone who gets me.
I got an amazing email from an adoptive mommy that about made me cry. It was so sweet. It's a amazing thing this technology has made possible.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your special day with whomever is special to you. Also, don't forget to kiss Santa! I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus!! :) I know I am gonna kiss my Santa.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Let's be grown up

Children of divorce parents really feel the effects for more than jut childhood. Tomorrow, I am going to my little sister's house for Christmas Eve dinner. It will be my Dad and his wife and my sister and her boyfriend and my brother. Also, myself and my husband and kids. I guess my Mom isn't coming because she doesn't want to be around my Dad's wife. My ex husband hasn't remarried, but I wouldn't let his wife keep me from enjoying some family time. I admit that my step Mom isn't fun to be around. I won't say more haha
I don't care for my ex husband much, but we can sometimes stand each other for the children. We were able to have a pizza party for our son with my new husband around. It's something that just feels right.
Also, I was able to enjoy my step daughter's baby shower, because her Mom and I can be civil and even friendly. We don't have to be friends, but we can show up at the same place without feeling odd. But I can only speak for myself. So yes, divorce does effect people, even into adulthood, but things don't have to be weird. Speaking of the baby shower, I got a Thank you card and it said how I was going to be a good grandma. It was really sweet of her. The way I look at it is that this baby and other babies can never have too many good people watching out for her. Don't forget the buying of dolls and stuff.
I have really had a crazy year. I can't believe all the changes that have happened. Most of them have been for the good. I am not so sure about my job changed being for the good though. I am still doing what I love though, but I am broke. My company charges huge fees and wants us to start bring in food for the elderly. Well, the people who use our company don't need food from me and besides I want to say I work for ---------- that means I am broke! If you really care about the elderly why don't use cut some of your profits and give them better rates, because I can assure you the ones who really need the food can't even afford our care. I am all for giving to the drives, but for the most part, I do my part, because I don't run to the food drives.
I really have had to really focus on my clients needs, because they have been sending me to some challenging clients and I just want to give up, but then I see that they really need the care and if I work with them hopefully I can make them improve their quality of the issues.
I have been working for Nick in a nursing home and the aides mis treat him. He should have two people who transfer him to bed, but they just move in by lifting him and it's not gentle. I have offered to help, but they won't let me. I can't lift him on my own, because I would be even worse. I am not as strong and besides it's againsnt my companies rules. I had to report them and give names.
Well, it's getting late and I am rambling on and on. I better get to bed. Tomorrow, we are making Christmas cookies and cupcakes. We might share!!! Sweet dreams.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Did you know that you could turn your blog into a book? Weird!
Christmas is around the corner, it's still a fun time of year, but I admit that I loved it more when my kids were little. I love to buy stuff for my sons. But as the older they get the harder it gets. I tend to be able to find more things for my 9 year old son. It's not that I don't like to get my 15 year old stuff, but I don't know what to get him. If I buy video games, they can's be played here, because we don't have a system and I am okay with it. I am debating on getting a wii someday, because I can't seem to win the battle againisnt the games and it seems to be the friendly system. Correct me if I am wrong please. What do you buy a 15 year old anyways? Cash seems rude like I don't know a thing about you alien kid. haha. If I buy a gift card, I can't know for sure his Dad won't take it from him. Don't get me started on him.
Someone help me. I only have about 50 more to spend and I don't want to buy to just buy. Any ideas?

The other sister by S.T. Underdahl

I just did a review on the book mentioned above. If anyone is interested in being added to the private blog just leave me a email address. I can only invite those with the profiles and blogs to protect my thoughts and feelings from those who know me.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The other sister was a very good book and the ending gave me chills but in a good way. I read it front to cover within a few hours. It gave me some insight that I really haven't taken the time to think about, but I won't go into details. but will on my private blog. If anyone is reading this and not that one, I can still add other people.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I just picked up the book called "The other sister" By S.T. Underdahl. I know I will fly right threw it. I will let ya all know what I think about it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

As a caregiver, I am under the same laws that teachers are. Mandatory reporting if I suspect abuse. Nick told me that the other people who live there hit, kick and spit on him. Plus when I asked the cna to assist me in getting him to bed.. she got all huffy and puffy and just basically took a whole of him and lifted him to bed. She said that I should know how to transfer him. Well, I have taken of many people, but no one so helpless as him. I may not have the experience and know how to transfer him from a wheelchair to his bed, but I know that tossing him like a doll on the bed isn't the way. He didn't seem disturbed. I am guessing this is how he is always treated. It make me sick. I almost threw up when he was telling me how he gets treated and then I did on the way home and after I was home. I don't feel well at all. So, I did my job and reported it. My company was aware of the other residents mistreating him and they are searching for a better place for him.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

my client

When I got to the nursing home, Nick (will call him that) was waiting for me. I knew it was based on how they described him. He was so excited to see me. His body is all badly changed from C.P. He has had it all his life. (that's what his book said) His speech is so hard to understand and it looked almost painful for him to talk, but he loves to talk. Mostly, if I watched his lips and pay close attention, I could understand him. A couple times, I just had to fake it.
It was hard to not cry for him. It's just so sad. But I know Nick didn't want my tears, but my company. We spent most of the time talking and looking at videos on his computer. He has this cool set up that allows him to roll the mouse with a stick and push the keys with it. He took longer than most, but he wanted to do it.
I helped undress him and washed up his face for bed. I am not experienced enough in cases like this to really be putting someone to bed. But I was sent so I didn't have much choice. I had to help him stand and basically lift him to bed. Why the aides are not doing this I don't know. Or I know they want them all in bed early.
When I left I cried a little. Life isn't fair. This man is about my Dad's age and has to live in a nursing home. The room that the two men shared was about the size of my living room. How sad. I go see Nick again tonight at 10 pm.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tonight, I am going to go to a nursing home and take care of a man who is only 58 years old. I haven't met him yet. I have to in there at 10 pm to midnight. I guess he is really lonely and the aides were making him go to bed early. So Sad! It actually makes me very mad. Just because his body isn't working right doesn't mean his mind is gone. He is a person with his thoughts and why does he have to get forced to go to bed and why does he have to pay my company so much money for me to come hang? I wish I could afford to do a little of this stuff for free, but stupid rules usually don't want people to come hang for free. I tried to volunteer once and I basically told we don't allow that. How rude!!! This man is the same age as my Dad. His parents are both gone now. Too Bad.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


My boys have always been exposed to going to church and hearing the word of God. My first husband's mother is a member at a small church and I never felt welcome there. I don't know why, but it just wasn't me.
In the past six months or so, I have begin to have faith in God. That he will work everything out for me. I am less stressed and less angry than I used to be. I love the church I choose to go to. It really lifts my spirit and gives me a sense of peace and belonging. I am have come a long way in my healing, but I still have a long way to go. A lot of the stuff that is preached in the bible is fine and dandy, but it's not all very logical.
I always give to the offering. It's between a dollar to five dollars at each service, but sometimes I don't have anything and I don't give. This week, I gave my little son two dollars to put in the offering. He handed one dollar to his brother and his brother didn't take it. So he said just keep it. I didn't hear the conversation, but I seen my son put the dollar in his pocket. I noticed and was disappointed in him. I made him take it out and give both dollars in the offering. I lectured him off and on for quite a while. My older son mentioned that he said keep it and didn't mean to keep it to himself, but to just put it in there. So, my biggest message to my son is that the bible says if we give than God blesses us with so much more. That he will take care of our every need. I told my son this, but I am not sure if I really have that faith.
My family and I have really been struggling. We are still so behind in the house payment and other bills. I lost about half my income when my live in client quit using my company. My husband's hours flop all over the place. Right now they are strong, but it's because someone got arrested. I can't think that it was God's work. Christmas is coming and the only way I can really buy for my children is to just do it and be without money. That takes a lot of faith that nothing is going to happen. So, while I do believe in the power of God and have faith that things will work out, I still am really struggling giving him my all.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Since, private blogs don't show up on the reader, I thought I would let the ones who follow it know that I have written a few new posts. Also, does anyone have the link to Letters to Olivia? I deleted on accident from my blog roll.

Friday, December 4, 2009

advice from a caregiver

I have been taking care of the elderly in their homes for three years. Most of my experience has been live-in with a couple that was 96 years old and ended at 98 years old. They are still alive, but no longer with my company. The wife is in the nursing home and the husband I heard went with another company, because he was mad at the rate increase from live-in rate to hourly rate. But that isn't my point here. I have had plenty of other experiences being in the homes of the elderly.
I currently work for a couple and the husband is the one who needs us and the wife kind of uses us for her needs to which is okay, but she is the stronger one of the two. So my message is for the wifes, husbands, sons, daughters, or anyone else who finds themselves caring for the elderly has either a paid job or because you are their family. When you have a caregiver around all the time it's easy to expect the caregiver to take care of your family members every need.
My Advice is.
  • Don't talk about the elderly as if they weren't there.
  • Let them do as much as they can. Don't expect the caregiver to 100% dress them, because it's faster.
  • Let them make as many choices as they can.
  • Don't always just give everything they might want. Make them ask. (or they will forget)
  • If the person is able to do something such as housework with your help. let them.
  • Don't talk to them as children. Don't say that's a good boy.
  • Give them privacy in the bathroom (if possible) don't expect the caregiver to wipe them if they can do it.
  • Use humor. They love it if you can bring some laughter in.
  • Don't pick up the phone when they talk or don't assume that they wouldn't enjoy talking.
  • Do take them out of the house even if it's some work.
  • Don't try to overly control what they want to eat. Come on is a second piece of candy gonna hurt someone over 80 or 90
Over all remember they are people still with needs and let them keep some dignity. I have seen some major things where people are trying to control the others and it's just not right. Sometimes I feel that I have protect clients from their own spouses. But not in the sense of danger, but just let them be.
OH NO!!! Snacky is in a BLENDER! Tad, why are you doing this to the poor kitty? It looks like him. It has the same markings. It just has to be him. I just know it is. {{sniff sniff}}

My husband didn't get his last couple hours of sleep, but wasn't mad at me. But he is having a little fun with the Snacky situation. It's okay though. I love Snacky. He is so cute! He is full grown, but a smaller cat so he is kind of like kitten like still.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I decided to get some soda and on the way home, I seen a cat that looked like my cat Snacky,dead on the road, I just knew it was him and went home crying. I was so upset. Snacky is the first cat, I loved after my cat Tigger died. My husband went to look at the dead cat and came home and said it wasn't him, but I didn't believe him so we were going to go look again. So when, we were leaving Snacky walked up!! So Snacky lives, but my husband didn't get to sleep in.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day!!! I hope everyone has a great day!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I wish whoever decided to leave that last comment could have let me know what I said that was so hateful. I try my best to be supportive and give insight from my side of things. It's too bad that you can't show your face to explain in a nicer way how I said something on your blog that offended you.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Question to another birthmother

For me being a birthmother has meant that there are sometimes suprising new painful situations that come up according to the stage of life This is part of a comment from Kelly.
Kelly, I really agree with your statement. I hope you don't mind me using it here. There have been different stages in my life when my memories and grief hits me like a train. Except their are no sirens or bells. It just knocks me down. I just have to dust the dirt off me knees and keep going.
You said it was always a open adoption. Did that include visits and if so how often. I kind of wonder about visits that only happen once or twice a year. Is it really building relationships. I have four nieces that live far away. I only see them once or twice a year. I love them, but I really don't know them anymore. I know it's not the same.
I know you haven't walked in my shoes from a closed side of it, but do you think your kids handled it better or worse maybe compared to a closed adoption. Because when my kids ask questions I don't have the answers. Or do you find it more difficult because the loss of their sister is more in their face. I am not anti adoption or pro adoption. I fall in the middle. I do believe adoption should be in the extreme cases, but that's my thoughts. I am all for open adoption.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I used to wonder when was the right time to tell my children, especially, my first born, that he wasn't my first born. There is no perfect moment to say ya know there was another child before you, but she went to a different home. Opps sorry I let you claim the first born status. Since, my kids never asked did I really lie?
Well, yes I did. Because when my first son saw a picture of Izzy and asked who it was. I said it was me. It was a easy lie to pass off, because the picture could pass for me. But I felt bad and in the closet Izzy went. That's where I get the phrase that all my adoption pain gets shoved in the closet. I didn't deal with it. I just put it in there and let it sit.
After my split, from my first husband, when my son was about 12 years old. My ex husband told him it was her birthday. Opps! He thought he knew. I don't buy that for a minute. However, it did lead to being able to be more out in the open. It took at least a year, before my son had the courage to ask about her again. As more time passes, I feel a little more comfortable with allowing myself to enjoy the simple things. Izzy's toddler picture on the wall and the charm, with her name, that hangs from my van. Someday, I hope to wear a ring with all my children's birthstone.
I do wonder though is all these little things worth it to my boys. Wondering how much and when they can understand. And trying to find the right way to tell them, we don't know what kind of a relationship, if any, they will have with her.
Within, the last couple months my oldest son said two things that have stuck out. HE told me.. I just realized that I am not the first born. Also, he said he remembering me telling him that Izzy's picture was me.
I wonder when children learn of other children being placed for adoption if age changes their desire to want to know about the missing child? All I can go on his my experience. First son learned about her at around 12 years and second son learned about her at 9 years of age. They both ask questions but in different ways. If I had to say who is affected the most about missing out the sister, I would have to say my younger son. But I am not sure if it's her he feels the loss for her or a sister. Well, enough for now.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I am just amazed at the change in my marriage with my husband. We had some very dark days and things have just gotten so wonderful. I am crazy in love with him. I love him more today, than the day I married him. I am so happy that I have him in my life and that he is in my kids life. He means the world to me. I feel so blessed to be lucky enough to get a second chance at love. Today, is Veteran's day and my husband served four years for our U.S Navy. I can't take the credit for being a military wife, because he wasn't mind then, but I am still proud that he served our country. To honor my husband on this special day and more important to show the world how much I love him, I bought him some flowers. I know flowers for a guy, but sometimes the best love is when your willing to step out of the box and not go with the normal.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I have been trying to find the right words to put this post. A few people who wanted to follow me over on my new blog just had a profile and no blog or their blogs were private. I welcome anyone to keep reading here, but I just can't risk sharing my blog if I don't have a clue who is on the other side of the profile.
It was brought to my attention that a family member might be reading this and I don't want some stuff read by them. I feel safer knowing that if I can see someone's blog that it isn't my family pulling a fast one on me. I know that anyone can make up a blog and use fake name and stuff, but I don't think they will go to that extent to read.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

How many of my readers have children in that magic age range when they still believe in Santa. Do you ever remember hearing your child tell Santa what he wants and you think damn now I got to go chasing down a police car with sirens and lights. So, you go from store to store to buy your child that special gift and call it from Santa? Why do we as parents do that? It it because, we love our kids so much that it hurts so badly not to give them what their hearts desire?

One thing, that I haven't blogged much is about how adoption has affected my boys. Izzy has been talked about but not in too much detail. She is someone who I want to talk about, but afraid to really get into their heads. I know they are interested in her, but to what degree. I just don't know. It's hard to really want to know the answer, because I can't promise that I can give them what their heart desires if they desire a relationship with her. I can't bring myself to tell them that they will never have a sister. That no matter what the sister/brother relationship that should have been will never happen. How do you break your kids heart. So it's just easier to avoid the subject. I would say that both kids bring her up equally. My older son got excited when he seen her name in my van. It's a necklace with all three kids names hanging from charms. My younger son gets those sad eyes and says he wishes he had a sister.  I don't know what the future holds them them and Izzy. I wish it was as easy has hunting down that cop car that had the cool sirens and lights. Or has easy it was to buy them a new bike and see their eyes light up. 

I think it's important to remember that adoption affects more people than we normally think about. It's such a sad world out there. I wish I had all the answers to this world's problems, but I don't. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I have loved the support that I have gotten from sharing my story. After, lots of thinking, I have to do something new. I made a new blog that I will do by invite only. I know it's a pain, but I feel that it's best for me. I will continue to blog here when I feel that it's something I can share with everyone. I hope most of my followers will be willing to join me as I continue to talk. Can you please leave your email address so I can send you a invite. If your more comfortable I can leave my email address yours isn't out in the open. Follow me on over.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wow!!! 3o followers! I would have never thought so many people would be interested in reading my story.  Thanks for all the support. 

Monday, October 26, 2009

I still can't share what's new in my life. Let's say it maybe something very good. I am excited and believe me when I am saying that it's driving me nuts not being able to share yet.  I went to church last night. It was a extra long service.  It was what I needed to keep my faith. 

I have to have Faith that this is going to work out right and to keep the negativity out of my mind. I have to have Faith that I will have the patience to sort through my issues. I have to have faith that I will make the right decisions on when and who I share my news with. Right now, it's been with Rb She was one of the first soon to be adoptive parents who showed interest and support as I have shared my story. I am so exited for her, because soon she will be a Mom to a little girl. I am grown as a person. I have healed some. I can find more joy for her than I used to be able when I first started following adoptive parents blog. That doesn't mean that I still don't take a moment and think of the hurt and sorrow that the birthmom will be going through. I like to think that my story affected the birthmom's life a little, because Rb knows adoption from a closed sitation by reading my story.  I have been able to share it with what's going with a couple people irl, but only if they have no connection to my family. I hope soon I can share more. 

Friday, October 23, 2009

I am a caregiver for the elderly. I do in home care and the business isn't good right now, but that's not the point. In my job, you don't always get to see other caregivers unless you get lucky enough to work for a client that has long days or 24 hour care.
When I was working the live in shift I worked with a couple other nice ladies. Since, the clients have taken a turn for the worse, we are all thrown out into new homes hoping to get enough hours.
When I was going through one of my darkest periods of my life, my coworker Pam suggested counseling at a local church. I never really got to tell her how things have turned around and how I feel that she played an important role in our life.
Yesterday, Pam was the co worker shift was ending and mine was beginning. It turns out this is her last shift and she is moving out of the state to be near one of her children. I was given the chance to tell her how her suggestion made a big difference in our life. How things have really turned around and how I go to church on a regular basis now. She was thrilled and as always talked about her faith in God. It was so nice to be able to say Thank you. I am not on the same page when it comes to faith in God. But I am in a much better place of mind then I used to be.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I maybe on to something really good. Wow!!! Is all I am going to say right now. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dear Izzy

Life can be so hard sometimes.  I really am missing you a lot these days.  Some people don't understand how I can love you. It's hard to explain myself. I don't know you at all. But I do love you. I love you just as much as I do my sons. 

The not knowing about how you are doing is just too much to bare. I wish I was able to know some of the little and big things about you. How well you do in school? Do you get along with your brother? Are you popular in school? Do you get good grades? Do things come to you easy or do you really have to work on it? Do you have a sense of direction? I wasn't born with one, but I was born with a bad sense of humor! Don't fall around me. I wish I was able to share the fun, silly things I did as a teenager with you.  Most of all, I wish I could tell you that I love you and I will always be there for you. There is nothing that you could say or do that would make me love you any less. 

Sunday, October 18, 2009

hard day

Yesterday, was a hard day. My husband and I have really been discussing adoption and it's not much better from the past. I feel that he feels too much for the adoptive parents then he does for my case. I might explain later.
He did remind me that my daughter is grown now and I don't have to deal with her parents. Why not contact her. I came so close to sending her a message on Facebook, but I didn't do it. I want to do it, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think it's out of fear of rejection and maybe mostly just plain scared on the effect that would have on my daughter. Also all of the sudden her Mom has a facebook account too and I am probably reading too much into it. I told two of my family members about facebook page so my mind is wondering did it get back to them? Is her making a page and connecting it to her daughter a way of saying back off? I got to do what is right by Izzy and I don't if sending a message that way is right.

I am trying to take joy in the fact that I am starting to have some communication with my step daughter. I didn't raise her so there isn't any bonds that have us connected like in some step famlies. So far, I have just been the woman who married her Dad.
She is carrying a little girl and I am trying to use this baby to bring us closer together. Today, while at church, she sent me a text message thanking me again for the cute baby clothes. I haven't even given them to her yet, but blogged about them on my other blog. I feel as strong battle coming on to either let this baby girl be a happy moment or a sad moment. She can bring joy and happieness to my life or I can let her be a reminder of all lost. I can deal with boy babies but girl babies tear me up. I want to enjoy the moment of buying baby girl clothes and dolls and not be sad over my loss.

I have a crazy idea in my head. I want to buy another cute doll at the doll shop and give it to a little girl at church. I don't have any girl in mind. I want it to be someone who doesn't have much, but not so much that it's all they get for Christmas. I want to see them open it and enjoy the moment. I guess I say it's crazy, because I am broke. I am not working that much due to who knows what at my job. I can't always pay my bills on time, but I want to buy a doll for a stranger. Maybe I just want to experience something that was taken away from me. I want it back. I remember the first Christmas asking my aunt, if the adoptive parents would allow me to buy Izzy a teddy bear or a doll for Christmas and I was told no.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I often wonder about how much counsel do the women who walked into adoption agencies really get. Do they honestly tell them of their options and encourage them to speak to other people. I don't understand how someone who gains from them if they place can 100% give unbiased counsel. I think a lot of failed matches would be prevented if they made the women follow a few steps before they begin to contact people to adopt their child.
I think they should be encouraged to talk to other young, single moms if that's who they are. Also, they should talk to Birth parents who can share their experience. Granted not all are the same. I think they should seek out counsel from a church or some other counsel that won't gain or lose anything. Maybe even talk to a couple adoptive parents and see adoption from their side. I won't pretend to have all the answers on where or how to get people willing to extend their time for these women. But I believe if I was asked I would give up my time to share my story. But I don't think adoption agencies want them to know that 18 years later I still hurt.

I think the most important people they should talk to about considering adoption is their family. I regret not speaking up about my pregnancy and maybe things would have been different. But again, I go back to I believe my Mom would have forced an abortion on me so I did what I had to do to save the life of the baby. I would suggest be very clear to your family about adoption. I am not saying begging them for help, but if you tell them that you have been through all your options and you can't raise the baby for whatever reason. Then that gives them a chance to say ya know we could help. Maybe that's where matches get failed, because the family didn't really think they would go through with it and then when they find a couple it makes it so real.

Maybe some of these failed matches wouldn't have been matches in the first place. They would be women who considered adoption and decided to raise their child. Then, couples wouldn't have to go through all the hurt, anger, sadness over the loss of what they thought would be become their child.

I want to admit that I didn't use an agency. The adoption was done through an lawyer of the adoptive parents. So, I don't have personal experience, but my gut feelings on the process. Anyone who went through an agency maybe they can share more on what's really going on.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I forgot to look

I had my older son over for a while. On the way, back to his house. We were so busy in conversation that I actually forgot to look over at my daughter's house. ( she lives 1/2 mile or less from my son) I always look. I am not sure what I am hoping to see. There isn't much that you can see when you are going 45 mph down the road. I was pretty proud of myself. Sometimes, my mind is too much on what I don't have and not enough of what I do have.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Thanks Rb for nomination of this award.

Here are the rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

7 things you may not know about me..
1. We have lots of animals. 3 cats, 2 dogs, (black lab and a one eyed shitzu) 4 bunnies and fish
2 I am a caregiver for the elderly. Been doing that for almost three years now.
3. I didn't learn to drive until I was about 26 years of age.
4. I have two boys. Ages 14 and 9 I don't talk too much about them on here. My youngest son was once thought to have autism and had lots of intervention in the under three program. No one believes autism is his problem, but we still struggle with some stuff.
5. I like to watch creepy crime shows.
6.I have a doll collection and actually buy them clothes and change them. Sometimes I like to hold and admire them as if they were real. I am not crazy. It's all in fun.
7. I am afraid of the dark. (outdoors) Creepy bad creatures lurk in the night.

7 Kreativ bloggers I would like to nominate are:

1. Jen
2 Letters to Oliva
3 Love is not a fight.
4. Andrew's Daddies
5. Our adoption journey
6 From another Mother
7 Rebekah

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I wanted to write more about the counseling. I know that I have said that Pastor K has said that Jesus died for our sins. I have never got the impression that he thought that having Izzy and placing her for adoption was a sin. I think since overall, in general, since he knew that I haven't had much education on the bible and church that it's just part of his thing.
If anything Pastor K reminds me that I did nothing wrong. I struggle with guilt, because I feel like I gave my child to strangers and with not really knowing much. He wants me to let go of the guilt. That it's not my fault. I was at the hands of my parents and adoption is what was pretty much forced one me. Sometimes I may mistake the issue of being told to pray over what worries me as the same as don't call me just pray. I know they aren't really meaning that, but sometimes I judge relationships and that's just who I am.

The adoption agency counsler is helping me see that some of my reactions to my daughter's family is just human. For example, I was angry that her face was on facebook for the world to see and not me. She pointed out aren't I doing the same thing with this blog? I put it out for the world to see, but really don't want those closest to me reading it.

She is always trying to help me steer me away from always blaming the parents. There is a lot of unknowns in my situation. She is trying to get me to understand that it might be Izzy who in uninterested at this point. It's just human nature to blame them I guess. She said that I just give off this impression that I will know my daughter some day. I do admit that I feel that I will know her. But I do understand that an reunion and a relationship is a two way street.

She asked me how ofte do I think her adoptive parents think of adoption? I don't have a clue. I would think probably less than me, because they are on the good side of adoption. I won't say that adoptive parents don't feel loss and have pain, but in the end, if you adopt, you have the prize. Birth parents just are left empty handed. So my question to adoptive parents or couples trying to adopt. How often do you think of adoption? Can you hear a story about adoption and not let your mind wonder to your own situation? I can't. But that doesn't mean that I get depressed. I just can't seperate the two.

Did I mention that my step daughter is having a baby? They think it's probably a girl. At first, when she announced she was pregnant, I got pretty depressed. Some old stuff came up. But now I am totally excited. I been buying her some gently used baby girl clothes. Soon to be Grandpa, said new Mom's don't like used clothes. What to you all think about used clothes?

Monday, October 12, 2009

I decided to join in the fun from Mcmama's not me Monday.

I didn't forget to send in my hours for the week. Nope not me. I didn't rest on the couch, after my client was sleeping, not me.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

It's been about a month since Izzy's birthday and the sending of the card.
It's now been a year since I made the first attempt to send her parents a letter.
When I decided to send the card, I told myself not to expect anything. I can actually say that even though, I would have loved some contact that I am not upset. I can check the mail box without the hoping and dreaming. It's different this time. I didn't convince myself that they would write. So, I can say that I didn't hear back and I am okay with it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Tomorrow, I am meeting with the adoption agency counselor again. I haven't me with her since the day before my daughter's birthday. I have a lot of issues floating around in my head and things that I want to talk about. I have been getting counseling from the agency, for free, for a year now. Which is awesome, because I didn't even place through them. Most of the time, I think adoption agencies are all about the money, but I do have to see that they are not gaining a thing from me.

I started marriage counseling with a pastor of a church and then it became counseling just for me. I was able to speak more easily about my experience and learn more about God. After, a few sessions with them both, I have been kind of pushed just on his wife. Part of me doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that really thinks that they make a good team. Plus when I meet with him. I did that once. Or them both, we get to use a room in the church. There is something about the peaceful feeling from the church and also it's hard to really talk knowing that I might be airing my issues for all near us to hear.

The pastor and his wife both encouraged me to profess my need of God in my life. He said what I needed most was salvation. For almost any and every issue I bring up he could/would quote the bible to answer me. Also, I felt he was the man who really got what I was trying to say. He was so confident that life would get better if I follow God's word. Very quickly L (Wife) got all sweet and emotional with me. I get hugs when she sees me.

Stay with me. I really liked going to these guys, because I felt they really cared. They were interested in my needs and willing to help. I liked the fact that they weren't making money off of me.

When my daughter's birthday. Which was a topic that I talked about came and went without even a phone call from them. I began to second guess them. When not one single person called me on her birthday, it kind of circled back around to the shame and secretcy of it all. I was pretty hurt by the fact that they didn't call. I did run into them, in church, the Sunday after her birthday. They seemed thrilled that I had both of my kids. We sat near them and only spoke for a minute after the service.

After her birthday, I wanted to call them, but I also wanted to test them. I was asking do they really care? Are they only interested in me as long as I make all the contact. I decided to make the appointment with the adoption agency lady, because I didn't want to call her. I was testing them. I jave issues with one sided relationships/friendships.
A week ago today, I was at church and she called out to me. She asked when could we meet again. I told her that I would have to wait to see what I worked the next week. I told her that I could call on Saturday and give her my best times. I did that and got her voice mail. I left her a message with my best days. I didn't hear anything back.
Tonight, at church, I seen her, but basically didn't go up to her. Then, she came to me and asked why didn't I call. I said that I did and I left a message. She said that she didn't check the messages. What I don't get is that if your going to offer your services to people shouldn't you be more up on returning calls. I want to continue to learn about God and have her in my corner, but I don't want to beg. I have to again, see what I work and set something up with her.

I am not sure which counseling is more assistance to me. I feel the adoption agency counselor is more willing to really talk through the issues and help me process things and gives me encouragement for the future. She also is realistic in the fact that she doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't want to lead me on that I will have a happy ever after story about adoption reunion.

Pastor K and his wife L do a lot of quoting the bible. Some of it helps, but some of it doesn't. They want me to help get rid of all my guilt and remind me that my sins have been forgiven and someday I will reunite with my daughter. He says that if she is a Christian that I will get to be with her in Heaven. The If part is scary. They both have told me the best thing I can do for Izzy is to pray for her. Pray that God will place good people in her life. How can I have peace with that? God didn't magically come to my rescue. Or maybe we can say that he did, because I knew once I went into labor I couldn't deny her any longer. But, I was alone. No once came to my aid to save my daughter from separating from me. Last time, I met with L she said that this life on earth will feel so short once we are in heaven. That doesn't help me in knowing that my daughter is safe. If she is hurting for anytime, it's too much. Pastor K does seem to understand me. He says thinks like it's no wonder you live in fear and don't trust, because someone took the most precious thing from you. He wants me to break free of the fear and be more open and healing will come. I am not so sure of that.
I guess I will continue seeing both counselors as I feel I need to. I wish I felt more comfortable with L. It's not that I feel stressed with her. I just feel best with the both of them. But it's a lot to ask for when he is a marriage counselor and they have a family too.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I found a cool blog that is kind of funny. I enjoyed checking it out. I hope you do too. I came across this post and I am going to allow myself to dream that just maybe my daughter sent that it. I can dream right?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dear Izzy

Lately, as I print these letters for your scrap book, I wonder what would be on your mind when you learn that I have been blogging my experience as your Birthmother for the whole world to see? Also, that I write letters for the whole world to see. Would you feel honored that other people are praying and hoping for a reunion. Or would you feel betrayal that letters to you was share for the whole world to see. Would you ask why I blog? If I said, to have somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings would you wonder why I didn't just write in a journal on paper.
To answer the questions that you may or may not ever ask is that at first I blogged as a place where I could express myself. In my experience, I haven't really been able to speak of you or adoption very well. I always felt like I wasn't understood and most people felt odd talking to me. It just made me feel ashamed and I just learned to not deal with my issues. Now, why not just write in an journal on paper? I like the fact that I can connect with other Birth Moms. It helps me feel not so alone. Also, I feel that if I convince one adoptive parent that closed adoptions should be a thing of the past and that they don't need to feel fear when it comes to their child's birth parents then this blog has served it's purpose. I can't think of any person more trust worthy of an adoptive child than the birth parents. Sometimes, not every often, but I do hear from children who have been adopted. I like to hear their insight.

I have been getting counseling for a year now and slowly I am starting to be more comfortable in my role as a birthmother. I am trying to live in the past. I am trying to let go of the what if's. That what if''s are not going to get me anywhere. I might wish that I had the support to raise you. I can't go and redo things and nor do I assume that you would want to redo things.

I hope when/if you ever read this blog that you will be proud of me. I hope that I do get me feelings across about the adoption without being too harsh on anyone. I try to focus more on the pain and not so much the blame. I don't agree with closed adoptions and I wish things had been different between your parents and myself. I think to see you grow, even if only through pictures, would have given me a sense of peace. It would allow me to feel that you were safe and well and also gave me more of a reason not to live in secret over you.That is something that I still struggle with to this day. I need to know that you are ok. I never want you to feel that you weren't loved or wanted. I do respect your parents and hope that you have had a great relationship and that they will continue to love you with all their hearts. Please know that I love you just as much. Not more not less. Your a beatiful girl! May someday, I can look into your eyes and see your inner beauty along with your outside beauty. Iwill always love you.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Today, I learned that the girl on face book is Izzy. I am 100% sure. I don't want to say what confirmed this for me, but trust me when I say that it was all honest.
Also, today, just now, I seen a cousin who told me an aunt died a few days ago. This is the same aunt who I spent quite a bit of time with when I was growing up. I admit that I haven't seen her in the recent years. My Mom didn't even bother to call and tell me, but that's just how she is. Not even a death will cause her to call me. Oh well, what can I do.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

mushy stuff

Yesterday, I had a nice day with my husband. I tried to tell him how much it means to be that our marriage is getting stronger. Men just don't seem to want to talk mushy stuff. Before, we contacted a church for marriage counseling I wanted out. I was so unhappy. We both were being jerks. Our family life was crazy. The thing that made me ask for help was when my little son said not fight tonight. I am sure we kept him up at times. We were too into who was wrong and trying to prove our points to think of anyone else.
I can count many times that I left in the night, because the fighting was just too much. I am sure I put myself at risk being out at all hours of the night. I was ready to leave my own house, because what is a home if you didn't feel the love in it. Now, I feel the love all around!
I can honestly say that we have had a complete turn around. I am going to give credit to lots of people. Myself, my husband and the coworker that said call for help, the pastor K and his wife and I maybe everyone is right that a life with God in it will be better. I am just amazed at the difference in our relationship.
It doesn't mean things are perfect and we might not ever need outside help again. Pastor K said that if I professed my love to God that I would be happier and feel different. Sometimes, I agree that I am happier and life has changed. However, when it comes to my daughter, I still feel that hopeless feeling that I am fighting a major depression at times. I feel that this might even be too big for God to handle. Some of their advice, I wonder if they can handle their own advice if they were in my shoes. But they are not. I do plan on getting back to them, but only when I can let a little more time pass that I feel that I can choose the right words. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all their help. Well, I have to get ready for work.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Dreams are weird, but sometimes nice. My experience as a birth mom, I really can't say that I dream about my daughter. How can you dream about someone you don't know. Last night, I had a dream, I talked to Izzy on the phone and then I met her. She was married to some famous rock star and had 5 kids. I really hope that at 18 she doesn't have kids. However, even with her 5 kids, I loved her just the same. I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams, I had my daughter. In reality, I don't. I do have two awesome boys and a husband who is loves me and my marriage is getting stronger. So I guess I need to take others advice and look at what I do have and not just what I don't have. I do wonder though would these same people tell someone mourning the death of a loved one the same thing? But with death, there is some closure. It's over with and done. My daugher is creating memories without me. I feel that part of my family is living else where.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

For years, I have struggled with the not knowing what Izzy looked like. I had an idea from the picture when she was about 2 or so that she might strongly resemble me. I will admit that it gave me joy in the fact. I thought maybe the parents wouldn't be able to help but think of me.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!

I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.

It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.

Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.

Scrap book ideas

I haven't really worked on my daughter's book in a while. I don't feel the strong need to do it or I will go nuts. I want to continue working on it, but I am pretty much fresh out of ideas. I have a couple more up my sleeve, but haven't taken the time to really focus on the book.
The book is mostly about me, but of course others are in my life so some family is in there too. I don't have too much extended family in there for a couple reasons. I tried to get pictures of my aunts and uncles from one aunt who most likely kept the best photos, but every time I asked, I get I will work on it. She is kind of elderly so I know it can't be her top concern.
A lot of it is my boys. I don't want to overdue it with them, but it's hard not to share. I don't know what will be too much. I have been trying to get more pictures taking of me. I normally am the one with the camera. I guess I feel that at this point if I focus on pictures of me then it's going to get boring.
I have done a few of my pets. I have been creative and have drawn. My few ideas in my head are adding the birthday pictures, my doll collection and maybe even throw in the famous cabbage patch era of the time I was growing up. I have got the perfect picture. My two cabbage patch dolls around my son's cabbage plant. I am planning on to continue to add the letters that I write on here in the book. Any one have any more ideas on what I can add to the book? I feel like it's starting to take a boring turn. I don't want to create the book to just create. I want it to have a meaning.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Enough time has passed that I can assume that Izzy's birthday card didn't get returned to sender. I didn't expect an answer from anyone so I can honestly say that I am not upset. I do wonder did they pass the card along or did they stash it or throw it away. I also wonder about the pictures from the past two letters I sent did they pass them along or trash them. I could have sent the card directly to her, but since she is still in high school, I thought I would show them the respect of giving them the option. The card was an really pretty pink card and it said I thought it was perfect for adoption, but not really for adoption.

On your birthday
You are all the memories,
People, and places
that have made you
who you are....

You are
a million precious things,
and a hundred different reasons
to smile and wish and dream about...

All the people you know and love
are thinking about you.

I thought this card and these words honored everyone in her life past and presence. It honored myself and her birthfather and the family traits passed down from generations. It honored her upbringing with her adoptive parents. It honored her schooling and her friends, just every person who has touched her life. Most of all, it told her that ALL THE PEOPLE, who know and love her are thinking about her.

Did she get this card? I wonder? I hope so. All I know is that I did what I thought was right. I let a young lady know that I have not forgot about her or have I stopped thinking and loving her.

I still can't quit find the right words to express how the picture on facebook is affecting me. My client was playing a Christian radio station yesterday, so I got to listen to comforting music for about 12 hours and after she went to bed, I just thought about the situation and how it makes me feel and I know my thoughts get twisted and I should just enjoy, but I can't. So I shed a few more tears to fill that ocean.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I just wanna play duckies

Today, I just had to find out if the girl on facebook is my daughter. So, I went to the library where I can see her in color. I have photocopied pictures but the color doesn't show through. I brought along my dog, because I knew either way I needed to get some fresh air.
I compared the picture that I printed to two of the pictures in the yearbooks. It's amazing how much my daughter's looks seem to change from year to year. I guess it's something that parents just don't notice, because they see them everyday. That's why I still don't feel confidant in knowing if I would know my daughter if I seen her face to face. It's a miserable feeling.
The girl is my daughter. I am 99.9% sure that it's Izzy!!!! I have no plans to contact her through face book, but that don't mean I would never. As of right now, I just don't think I want to do that. Honestly, I want to do that, but not sure that would be best for Izzy.
I took my dog, Ann, for a long walk on the bike path. It was pretty nice. I did a lot of thinking and probably a lot of what I think don't make sense. One thing, is that I feel like all the sneaking around that I had to do to see what Izzy looks like, just feeds more into my feeling like my daughter is a dirty secret. Like I can't be trusted. It don't help that my husband thinks that finding her pictures on my own is close to stalking. I feel another counseling session coming on.
I have been sitting on a couple things before I shared with my blog friends.

I sent Izzy a birthday card addressed to her, but in care of her parents. I wrote a quick letter to her parents telling them that I wasn't asking for anything or expecting anything in return. That I just wanted her to know that I am thinking of her on her special day, and that I would be open to contact if she wanted it.
I wrote my daughter a short but sweet letter to on her card. The card was beautiful and fit adoption just right. I will share the words later. I haven't heard anything back yet and haven't got the card back. I am trying to hold to my word and not expect anything. I just hope that they felt safe to pass the card on.

Second, new thing going on is that I think I found Izzy on facebook. The page isn't open to everyone unless your her friend, but I can see one picture. I was able to drag the picture to my flash drive and print it. It's not the best quality picture, but it's what I got. Here is the hard to live with part. I can't be sure it's her. I think it's her and I have good enough reason to say that it's probably her. However, I can't know for sure. I feel that a Mother should be able to see her own kid. I am/was a little afraid to post this, because I don't want this to get back to her adoptive parents. I don't want Izzy's life to be affected by their fear. I am not going to contact her this way. I want to proudly hang the picture up, but how can I when I don't know for sure. I wish I could share the picture compared to one of me, but that just wouldn't be right.
I made a page on facebook and kept it open. Does anyone know anything about facebook? Will my dauhter see that I am looking.
I am not even going to go into how her face is on the web for the world, but can't be on my wall from her parents trusting me. Not getting into that today.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The hard stuff!

The evening of Izzy's birthday was the hardest. I decided to drown my sadness in drinking. I know not good. I drank down quite a bit for someone who doesn't drink but maybe a few times a year. Then, I decided to dress my dolls. I collect dolls that I like to change their clothes and stuff. I am not crazy, but I just like to have fun with it. I still had the doll around me when the buzz and the tears came on. I hope no one thinks I am nuts for admitting this, but anyways, I started to cry and rock the baby. My husband tried to ask me what was wrong and I pretty much ignored him and just kept crying and rocking the baby.
I can't explain it but it went very deep. For a short period of time I had my baby girl back. I felt everything I felt the day she was born. My husband kept trying to get me to lye down and I kept rocking the baby.
Then, it got even stranger. I stripped the doll of her clothes. I was like a mad person desperate to get her clothes off. After, she was naked, I felt her face and her hands and feet trying to remember my baby forever. My husband claimed the next day that a couple times I would go to the bathroom and he would dress the doll. I would undress her again. Finally, he just gave up and let the baby go without clothes. I slept with the doll as if it was my baby girl. Something I don't normally do.
It took me a few days to really understand why I was stripping the baby doll of her clothes. My last memories of my daughter is me dressing her and leaving the hospital. I remember my Mom rushing me to dress her. I wanted to make that moment last forever. So, I think by refusing to dress the doll was my way of reliving of my pleas to keep my baby with me.
My husband said, that I cried for about an hour or so. This is about 6 hours less than last year. I owe my husband lots of credit. He was so different this year. He tried to help. I remember him reaching out to touch me or try to get me to lay down. He didn't yell or call me crazy or once tell me that I didn't have the right to cry.
The next day, we picked up the newest doll that I just had to have and we went on a road trip. We drove with no where in mind. This birthday was hard, but I felt the support of my husband really made the difference.
The picture is my new doll.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dear Izzy

Your 18Th birthday just passed by. It's hard to imagine you as a grown person. In my mind, I think more of a young child. I pause at little girl dresses and I imagine what it would have been like to dress you in a pretty dress. Now, I have really begin to wonder what you might look like in a prom dress or maybe even a wedding dress. Yikes! I look in the mirror and I don't look like I could have a grown daughter.
This weekend brought some beautiful weather. I hope you had a great birthday. I really hope life has treated you well. All I want for you is the best and for you to be loved. Your birthday's have always been really hard on me. I grieve for the years past and the future. I don't know what the future will hold. Will I be so lucky to meet you someday?
To honor you birthday, I had my own celebration. I inflated 18 balloons at home and drove them to the Ymca. In my van, I pulled out a card that I had picked out and wrote you a quick letter telling you how much I love you and miss you. I attached the card to a couple of the balloons.
I said a quick prayer asking God to watch over you and keep you safe and I released the balloons with the card and let them soar over the river. I snapped a couple pictures as they floated away.
I walked on the bike path just taking a little time to myself before I returned home. I thought about what could have been and what should have been,but that's not how life happened. I feel strongly someday we will meet again. I know I can't be your Mom, but I can be a friend or a big sister. All I know is that you will always be able to count on me. If you need me, I will be there. I love you baby girl.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I am ok

I made it through Izzy's birthday. It was hard, but not as hard as last year. I have so many points that I want to write about but don't quite know where to start. Also, I feel like I could write a book. So I will probably have to post several times to process my thoughts.
I am going to focus today on how I was hoping that by me slowly trying to come out the birthmom's closet with friends and family and I mean slowly coming out that the outcome would be different. I was hoping maybe just one person would remember that I have said that her birthday is hard on me. No one called. Not any of the coworkers that I told. My sisters didn't call. My mom didn't call. The pastor and his wife didn't call me. I think that probably hurt the most. I went to them for assistance with my grief and the shame around my daughter and her birth and they didn't even bother to check in on me.
I really shouldn't say that nobody called, because that's not true. My older son called the night before remembering that tomorrow was her 18th birthday. My husband was also more supported this year.
I have to learn to not have expectations of other people. It's a big day to me but not to them. Them meaning all the other people that I mentioned.
Today, I was able to take both my boys to the Sunday morning service and there was Pastor K and his wife to greet us. They got to meet the boys for the first time. Even though, they didn't call, I am happy to have them in my corner.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.

This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.

Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.

Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

2 more days

Only two more days until Izzy's birthday. I was able to meet with L for breakfast yesterday and I really feel safe talking to her. We had a nice time together. I am not sure I really agree with everything she has to say about God or if she could live with her own advice if the shoe was on her foot. I don't hold nothing against her though, because how can she really know. All she can do is her best.
I didn't sleep well last night. I am pretty nervous about Izzy's birthday. I want to handle it better this year. I don't want to cry all night. I have a couple long days at work and then I am off for three days. So, I am hoping we can do some fun things to help keep my mind from thinking too much.
I am still thinking about the releasing 18 balloons into the sky, but don't know to include my sons or not. My youngest son will be home that day so it's either do it or don't do it. I will most likely do it.
If anyone this weekend wants to help me celebrate by releasing one balloon into the sky for Izzy and take a picture I will include the picture in her scrapbook. No pressure.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Today, was my first Sunday morning that I haven't had to work. So, I decided to go to the services at the church that I have been getting counseling from. I go almost every Wednesday, but sometimes the counseling is during the service.
I seen L (pastor's wife) come in with her grandson. She was happy to see me. She invited me to sit next to her and Pastor K. I almost feel like a third wheel, but it's nice to sit with them.
During the service the pastor that was preaching was talking about faith in God that he will bring the hurting healing. Also, talking about how God brings people together
I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I held my head low and cried. I was crying, because I want to have faith that I will get past these days. I want to have hope that all will be okay. I want it more than anything.
I also cried, because I don't know if it was God or not that brought me to Pastor K and his wife. They have been awesome. I just am amazed at how much they have been willing to help me. They don't seem to mind that I am tending to get stuck on the same subject. They have really been there. I feel like I am riding on their faith that everything will be okay. I do want to have the faith in God to heal me and watch over Izzy. But right now it's just not there. I have too many dark days.
My husband and I are still getting along pretty well. We haven't been going to marriage counseling anymore, but it's not that he isn't willing. It's not that he isn't invited by the Pastor. It's because I have been working on my issues before I can fully address our problems. However, we have been doing really good. Everyday, I love my husband more. He has been sober for about three months. I am so proud of him.
When I first started blogging, I shared my blog with my family. It was just normal everyday stuff and pictures. Then, I created the blog called Empty Arms and broken heart. I didn't know enough about blogging then. I noticed that there was a chance that they could read the adoption related blog, because it was under the same profile.
I started writing the adoption related blog when I seen another Birthmother doing it. I thought writing would be helpful. It gave me a place where I could say what was on my mind without hurting or offending anyone in my real life. When, I noticed that anyone who had my normal blog. could read the adoption related one, I started to be tempted to just strike out in anger against my Mom. It was too easy to just strike and not think about if I was hurting her.

So, I created this blog and erased the other one. This blog has given me the freedom to express my greif, my sorrows, my disappointments, and even my moments of happiness. I didn't have to worry if I stepped on any family members toes. Also, I wasn't temted to strike out in anger with my goal to hurt somoene. Sometimes, I feel like she hurt me and I am going to hurt her. Well, my thinking like that isn't going to solve anything.
On top of just writing, I have found a group of people who I have connected with that I probably wouldn't have had the chance in real life. I have learned a lot from adoption from all sides. I feel that I carry less anger towards my daughter's adoptive parents, because of them. It's been a wonderful support system. It doesn't replace the face to face support system that I need, but hey at least it's something.

I won't say who said what and who might be reading, but I have heard that one of my family members has tracked this blog down by watching the people I follow on my other blog. I am not sure if they are confused and had been reading the one I got rid of or not.
The thought that they took the time to search it out makes me sick. Why not come to me if somoene has questions. Why read my most personal thoughts if you can't come to me and say "Hey I know your hurting, is there anything I can do" Or say, "I can't imagine what's it's been like for you, can you explain more about what happened"

The pastor wife says that I shouldn't blame sisters or brothers for not speaking of the adoption or my daughter, and I suppose she is right. But I can hold them for reading my most personal thoughts.

Just in case family is still reading. I do write about my issues. My parents were not there for me when I needed them the most. I followed my older sister around men who were much older than me and I fell for one of them. I had sex and I am not innocent. I don't regret my daughter and the only think I regret when it comes to her is that I can't remember Todd's last name. I feel like that's a part of history that I should be able to give Izzy if she wants it.
I spent the first half of my childhood hanging out with my big sister and the next half helping babysit the younger sister and brother. I am pissed that I had to help raise my little brother and sister, but couldn't be a Mom to my own child. But the person besides, myself that I blame the most is my Mom. Will I ever forgive her? I don't know. She hasn't been in my life very much at all. She ignores me. Everyone says it's her guilt.

Again, I am going to say that it makes me sick if anyone in my family has been invading my space. I know it's online and a lot of people can read it. However, it was never meant to be in the hands of parents, sisters, brothers, or Izz's parents. This was for me. If your family and reading this I ask two things. Fess up to me. Tell me that you have been here and then don't come back. if you want to know more just ask me. I would love to talk about Izzy. Sometimes it's hard, because I have been living in silence.
All, I have left to say is that I hope that this can continue to be a safe spot for me to write and get support from others who get adoption.

Friday, September 4, 2009

I have reasons to believe that there is a good chance that some family members have tracked down this blog from looking at the adoption related blogs that I follow even on my normal blog. It just makes me sick to my stomach that some of them have been reading this. After, I feel that I can address this a litttle better I will. Just too shocked to do it now.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I had a couple really bad weeks. I have a hard time asking for help so I don't tend to make my needs known that I want to see them again. When I was really down I called Pastor K wanting to talk to his wife. A week went by without them calling me back. A lot of thoughts went through my head. I wondered did they get tired of me? Were they too busy? Are they tired of hearing about pain about my daughter? Did Pastor K get called off on some mission and it's nothing personal. I tried to stay positive and not take it as a personal thing against me. I went back and forth with it. I had to keep telling myself that the lack of contact is nothing against me.
I was able to meet with Pastor k last night. His wife couldn't make it so it was just the two of us. He was deeply sorry for not returning my call, but I told him how during the service last week how I was still really sad and then the verse that they told me to read was mentioned. I told him how that reassured me that L (his wife) was still with me. She didn't leave me. He says that God has his ways of taking care of our needs. By their lack of contact, I was able to see for myself that they didn't just wash their hands of me.
Pastor K thinks that a lot of my healing is going to of course come from praying. Also, he is strongly encouraging me to face my family. Not facing them as in anger, but letting them know that I am hurting. That sometimes I want to talk about my daughter. He knows that I have been running my life by fear and can understand why, but now I have to work on having trust.

It's been just wonderful talking to him and his wife. Sometimes, I still wonder are they going to get tired of me? Also, I wonder how do they find a equal balance of helping me and others without letting that cut into too much family time.

I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am doing so much better. A year ago, I would be all over the 18Th birthday as a reason to contact Izzy. Now I know that it's probably not best for her at this moment. Not that admitting that doesn't hurt. I just want to do what I think is best. I think I need to heal more before I think of adding Izzy to the mix. Not that I would turn her way if she contacted me. Just as of right now, I have no plans in trying to contact her.

We did learn from the IL registry that to the best of their knowledge after she is 18 years old it's not breaking any laws to contact her. I wish I could know for sure one way or another. It makes me feel like I have more options down the road.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Izzy

Your birthday is fast approaching. It's so hard for me to accept that you are going to be 18 years of age. It's weird to think how I am 33 years old and you are soon to be 18 years. That's a big difference in ages, but then again it's not really that big. My husband is 16 years older than me. I am sure to you that 33 seems old, but when your my age you probably will think different.
It's been 18 years since I last held you in my arms. It seems like a lifetime ago, but if I close my eyes, I can see that day. You were a beautiful baby girl. I remember dressing you for the trip home to your new home. I believe it was a yellow or green sleeper that once belong to one of my cousins. Oh, how I wish life could have been different. But, I have to accept life for what it is.
You are my daughter, but I don't know you. You have grown up not knowing who I am. I wonder did you grow up knowing that I was loving you from afar. Do you believe it in your heart that I am loving and missing you.
Your birthday's in general are hard on me. I wish I could say that it's a day of happiness, but I would be lying. Every birthday without you has been a year lost. Lots of parenting and loving that I didn't get to enjoy. Please don't get me wrong. I have never had doubts about bringing you into this world. I don't regret you at all. You were wanted and loved by me. I really haven't written to you about why you were placed for adoption. I think that's better if it's done in person.
The attacks on your 10Th birthday has made your birthday even worse for me. It's a almost daily reminder of you and my missing you. I hate that your birthday is associated with a terrible event. Although, I have gained a greater appreciate for police officers, firemen and rescure workers. I have always thought men in uniform are so cute!
Izzy, if I could only give you one bit of advice this would be it. Stay young! Don't be in a hurry to fall for Mr Right. Don't be in a hurry to make lots of money at a job. Don't become a Mom at a young age. So stay young. You should sneak a little more time in for just being a kid. There is plenty of time for the fun (boring) grown up stuff.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The book that I mentioned in my previous post was The Adoption Reader It's Birth Mothers, Adoptive mothers and adopted Daughters tell their stories. It's edited by Susan Wadia-ells. I really think this was a good book to read.

Today, I heard back from Pastor K's wife. She said, she was deeply sorry for not returning my call. She said that Pastor K doesn't always check his voicemail on the cell phone daily. She gave me her cell phone number and the house phone. The truth is that I have had their house phone, because the church gave it to me and she once called me from it. I didnt trust enough that it was proper to call their house. I will most likely go see them on Wed. They have to get back to me. I am dreading Izzy's birthday so badly. I so badly want a nice celebration with the baloons, but not sure I can really rely on my husband to help me with that. I have tried to tell him of my wishes and he thinks it's crazy.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

no one gets it

Since I lost my live in client to the nursing home, I have had to adjust to new clients and hours at work. I was tired of the live-in's but boy was I spoiled. I am not talking about money. I was given love!! It was awesome. The love was returned and it was amazing. I am missing them so much.
So anyways, for the past three weeks, I have spent time with a lady with Alzheimer's. Her husband has been there too. This lady is a lot of work and spent most the three weeks wanting me to leave. It's very hard on the husband to see if wife go down hill. She doesn't always know who he is.
Today, between tending to her for a 14 hour shift, I was reading a book about Birthmothers. adoptive mothers, and adoptee daughters. After I read the book, I was asking myself.. Why do I subject myself to material that I can't help but think of my daughter and the adoption.
Then, the husband says, that no one understands what he is going through. I told him that he is right that no one gets it unless they have walked in your shoes. I said a lot of people have something that no one gets, because they can't possibly understand until they are in your shoes.
That was the answer to my question. I am interested in blogs and books, because I want to be around people who get me. Sometimes I want to talk to someone, but then say the hell with it, they won't understand me. Why even bother talking at all? So, I really do crave talking with other birthmom's but I am settling for the internet and books.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I don't quite know if I can get my thoughts out here right. But here it goes.
I have been going to church, because the counseling was from a Pastor at a church. I chose him,because he was free. I liked the idea of someone who didn't gain any money from providing me with services. Not that I don't think people shouldn't earn a living, but I felt like they could really put your interest ahead of money. So they counsel from their heart and not just to make a buck.
It made me feel good that if I needed someone to talk to that I could call.
Last week, I was so depressed and wanted to talk to his Pastor K's wife and my call wasn't returned. What makes it worse is that I said that I was having a bad week and just needed to talk. When I went to church tonight, I was hoping to see him or her. I almost feel like they have just decided that their work is done with me. They have made me feel so much better, but I admit a lot of their answers has been to pray or that God has the right plan for me. I admit that I feel a peace when I am with them and the church.

The church was involved in the news and it didn't look good. It had something to do with a business problem.It involved kids which made it worse. Nothing sick, but pretty much about money. I kind of thought why don't they solve their problems through prayers to God. Isn't that what I am being told is the answer to my stuff. I couldn't get the same vibe from Pastor B tonight. He was on the news over money. I noticed that so much about the service goes back to money. Why does money have to brought up so much. Which makes me want to know if the church would still preach the love of God if no one gave to the collection. Just for clarification. Pastor K isn't the one in the news.

So, tonight I couldn't find the peace. It just wasn't there. Then someone how the pastor who did most of the speaking tonight. (who was boring me for a while) (not the one in the news) said something that just made tears come to my eyes. He was talking about Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tears came to my eyes.. that was the same bible verse that Pastor K and his wife suggested that I keep and read over and over. So, maybe for someone reason they haven't contacted me, but they are still making a impact on me.

This verse is somewhat similar to a song that I heard and I wrote it down and been reading it over and over.
There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans he has made for me. I have to wait and see. He is not finished with me yet.

Both of those verses gives me some comfort, but I have to throw in the but. I just can't help it. Where was God all those years ago, when I didn't have parents watching out for me. Where was the plans for the teenage girl? If God can make plans for me why can't he heal my heart.

I guess I just have to trust Pastor K and his wife and maybe more importantly trust God. I have to trust that my husband's and my relationship will keep improving. Trust is easier said than done for a girl who has trust issues.

The pastor (there are several of them at this church) at the end of the service was talking about if you expect miracles then God will provide miracles in your life. Isn't this setting me up for more of a loss. So tonight if I believe that Izzy is going to call me then she will. Now, Izzy could call. I did give them the number, but the likely hood of that is really slim. So if I believe then she will call. Don't get me wrong. I would be beyond words just to hear her voice. To just hear her say. I am okay. I am being treated well. Don't worry so much about me. I am getting all teared up just thinking of such a conversation. Now if I take his suggestion and believe that this will happen and it doesn't then aren't I setting myself up for more of a heartbreak. I really don't need anymore heartbreaks in my life. I have has my fare share of them.