Friday, April 30, 2010


Every payday, I take money to put on the wii. I only have to take it bi weekly but I get paid weekly so I put my down on it every payday. I believe within two weeks I will have it.
I have slowly been cleaning up the basement to try to extend it to be part of the living again. I have made some great progress, but have more work to do. Somethings, it's just cleaning. Other things, it's furniture and stuff that I want for down there.
I put the basic system down. I didn't get any extras, because I didn't want the payments to be too high. For those who have have a wii is there anything that you would suggest is a must? Or any games that are cool?
I have been saving spare change and I believe I am going to use that for a used TV for the basement. I was thinking that we will probably rent games at first. I feel that way, I can keep the game playing to a limited, because I want them to concentrate on school and going outside. So, far, my ten year old still goes to play outside. Not having cable tv helps.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

my good stuff

I actually made it to the Ymca four times in one week. Bye bye hot tub.
I got a few extra hours even though I didn't want to work.
I have taken a couple walks with my dogs.
I picked some lilac flowers from a bush. sshhh don't tell.
I got a call from Pam. She was my math teacher from high school. I love her.
I get to watch my two male bunnies kiss.
My mp3 player continues to give me motivation to walk or do things around the house.
My husband's job is going good.
We have made up a routine on how to reward and punish behavior in my ten year old. It seems to be helping.
We bought some tomato plants and a cucumber plant.
I enjoyed the Meld dinner with my kids.
My husband mowed the lawn.
My basement is starting to come back to life.
I think I found the reason my son came home wanting to eat everything in sight and fixed it.
My son does his home work with less of a fight.
Alex has a girlfriend. Ok, that one is scary lol
Next month, marks one year since my husband quit drinking.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


The following paragraphs are from what I wrote on the blog that I share with family. I want to add more to it on here, but don't want to start over.

Tonight, Meld held a dinner for Volunteers to show their appreciation. I got to eat some pizza for free and got a few small things. I paid for Will and Tyler to eat, because I want to expose this to volunteering and it makes me feel good to make them a part of something that I enjoy. They seem to enjoy going.
After, the dinner, we went to the day care room to watch the children. At first, only one child was there. I was actually impressed. All the other Mom's attempted to hang out with their kids during the presentations. Then, one by one, they brought them in.
There is this one little girl. I will call her Ella on my blog. I think she might make an appearance again. She is a beautiful little girl. She likes to be held a lot. I took on that job. I just loved it. I almost felt guilty for not helping out enough with the other kids, but she was so sweet. I already got it in my mind to want to buy her clothes and toys when my money allows it. I probably will resist, because I don't want the Mom to feel like I am giving her a hand out. I know the babysitting is to help the Mom's and by taking care of their babies that is what I am doing, but I feel like I am the lucky one. They don't even know me and trust that Meld only allows people that they can trust to volunteer. It warms my heart just spending a little time holding her close to me. She get mumbling. mmnnn mmmnnn. It reminded me of cookie monster eating cookies. mmnnnnn
I probably will get into buying the children things, but can't really just choose Ella to get them. I will support Meld and let them decide how to pass the items out. I think that might be the best thing. I am so happy that I have found this program to help. I am done having children and don't really desire starting over. (not that I can if I want to) but it's nice to play then send them on home with their Mommies.

Today's print is in blue. I have been volunteering for Meld for five weeks now. I really love it. All the children are a different race than me and that took a little time to get used to. Another post for another day though.
Most the children that have been there every week, are walkers but little language skills yet. Then, you have a two year old, that can talk well, but is pretty quiet until get gets going. Then, their is a 4 year old that is a little harder to control. But that isn't the point of this post.
It makes me so happy to be helping this program. We got to hear some of the stories of the Mom's and how Meld helped them change their life around.
These Mom's are all getting the chance to be a Mom, because meld is giving them the assistance that they need. I know that not all young parents can be so lucky.

I got to thinking about how I wish I could be around Ella more. How I wish I could baby sit an hour here and there for her or another little girl. How I could buy her a dolly or dress, but it's not fair to choose one child and give gifts. Maybe my wishful thinking is because I want to experience some girl moments since I didn't get to raise a girl. Or maybe because I am not closes to my sister's four girls, because they live a 12 hour drive away. I had just learned how to drive and was starting to get closer to her and her kids when they moved away.

I wish I could tell the Meld people that I am free during the day and that if any of the Mom's is interested then they could talk to me and learn more about me and maybe they can rely on me once in a while, but honestly I am mostly interested in the little girls. So, you could say that I have selfish reasons.

My ideal dream would be able to make a connection with one or two Mom's and sort of adopt them in as close friend or family. I can't quite explain it, but just be someone who could at times babysit their kids or take them out to the park. I know it's all wishful thinking and as of right now, I am just going to keep on going to babysit at the Monday classes.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

reunion blog from an adoptees side of things

I love to read blogs about adoption and reunion. I think it's been a very good support system in my life. It's the support that I crave from family, but this in a way, is easier, because I can speak more freely through my thoughts with blogging.
Here is a adoptee that has interests in the birth family. Adoption does not always sever the bonds of family or the need to want to learn more about birth family.
Here is her blog. Go check it.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I went to counseling the other day at the adoption agency. I have been going for quite some time and while it helps, I am not sure it's the cure for me. I here what she is saying, but it doesn't always seem like an easy task. Back in Dec, we started working on some goals and objectives to achieve in counseling. It was a six month plan and basically with a goal to be finished with counseling with them.
As of right now, I have till June with them and then I have to decide from there what my next move. Am I happy enough where I can just quit or deep down do I still need help working through my issues. I am not sure what I will do. The counseling has been free and I am grateful for the time they have given me. They could refer me to counseling else where. However, money might be the deciding factor. I don't know if we can afford it.
So much of what is on my mind lately is going to be posted more on my private blog. It's too personal for me to post here, because I don't want anyone that I know in real life to read my thoughts. So, I guess this is a reminder that I still blog on the private one.

Friday, April 23, 2010

America the land of the free?

Today, people are way too quick to sue other people and businesses. When do we has as a society start life without the goal of making quick buck. Sometimes, people are going to get hurt and that is just life and why do we need to profit from every little thing.
I have had several experiences with my kids that people have asked why don't you sue? Why should I? Twice, my son was bit by a dog. We had medical insurance and it wasn't anything major. Yes, it was scary, but did I really need to make someone pay?
Once, my son fell of a swing, at school and broke his arm. It wasn't a break that I could see and I thought my son was over reacting and was upset over taking him to the hospital, because it looked okay. Yea, it was fractured and it took part of our day away. We had insurance and my son got to wear a red cast. Did we need to make thousands of dollars of the school? No.
This year, same son, was hit in the head at gym. He suffered a bump on his head and again we had medical insurance and all is ok? Should I have sued the school?
I saved my biggest chance of a law suit for last. Stephen, my youngest son, is developmentally delayed and learning disabled. We are making huge gains this year, but that's not the point. At his last appointment, the Dr said that in a lot of cases like my sons it's from an injury in birth. I suspected something wasn't right with him from the beginning. But, I accept my son, as he is and didn't make a fast buck.

We also live in a society where if I put my hand in the neighbors fence and their dog bites me, I could sue them. If I didn't put my hand in the fence then, I wouldn't get bit so therefore, I don't think, I have a right to sue. If you allow your child to play outside and they fall on someone's driveway, the owners shouldn't be sued. I could go on and on about unfair lawsuits are taking away our rights to make our own call about our life and the risks we want to take.

You are probably wondering where I am going with this post. Well, let me tell you why it's on my mind.

I have a membership at the Ymca. We enjoy a lot that it has to offer including the pool. After, I work out, I love to soak to the hot tub. I would drive there just for that, but that seems a little silly When, I am sad, depressed, mad or just plain sore, I soak in the hot tub and life looks so much better. It's almost like you get a night without worries.

Maybe you all have heard of this already, but there is a new mandated law that will make all swimming pools to have a major repair on them to change the drains. I think I read somewhere that a child was sucked into the drain, but it confuses me, because why would the child been in the pool if it was draining. So, the Ymca, won't have the pools for five weeks while they make this repair work. Also, this affects the hot tub. It's just too much money for them to fix it so they are getting rid of it. But there is more to it. The hot tub is in the locker rooms and their isn't a life guard to watch over it. This is becoming an issue with the insurance companies and the Y has to listen to what the insurance company says. So, because we could drown in 2 1/2 feet of water and they don't want to pay someone to watch it, this would be after the repair on the drain, then they have to close it and close it is what they are doing.

So, I ask people, am I the only one willing to take my own life into my hands? If I drown in 2 1/2 feet of water, I wouldn't expect my family to sue and I would hope yours wouldn't either. It's an 21 and older locker room. When can we judge our own bodies and make safe decisions and not expect a pay out should something happen? When do we draw the line? People need to watch us shower, because we might fall? Or what about the saunas and steam room? They can be health risks too? What about the climbing things at the Y? I believe my son's have a greater chance of being injured from a fall then I would of drowning in the hot tub? We could fall down the stairs at the Y? Do I feel that they should pay for my injury, because I fell.

I talked to someone at the Ymca and she said it's because not everyone thinks like me. Too many people are trying to get money over accidents. They are the ones causing all the loss of our freedom to choose. I know there are some cases where people should pay. If my son's damage someone's property by throwing a ball on accident, I should cover the damage. Do I think they should get rich of it? No. I understand car accidents happen and the person at fault should pay damages and injuries, but that's what insurance is for? Do I believe people should walk away with millions? No.

This issue isn't going to just affect the Ymca or just my city. It's nation wide and I am fed up. Will our park district be able to get the pools up to code? They only charge a few dollars to get in. It's a low cost fun summer retreat for families to go to. Not very many people can afford a pool in their backyard or hot tubs. I told my husband to buy me a hot tub, but I know we don't have that kind of money. I understand that there are incomes at all different levels and we all can't have a pool, but can the people who still want to have fun and create summer memories have access to a pool.

I am not trying to make small of someone injury or death. It's sad if there was a freak accident. But when can we make choices for ourselves. We put on life on the line every time we get in a car. I have an higher chance of killing myself driving than I would in a pool or hot tub. I don't see anyone getting rid of cars. There are recalls and such, but no one can build the perfect car that will hold up in every accident.

We are losing so much because of lawsuits. It's just plain sad. It makes me so ticked off. Before, we know it the Government and the insurance companies will be controlling are every move. I don't know about you, but I thought America was the land of the free. I think it's time we take the country back and stop with the lawsuits. I am finished now. In three days, the hot tub will be closed. It was something that really has made a difference in my struggle and I will miss it. I wish I could say that I am going to go buy my own hot tub, but that's just not something that I can afford.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

my good stuff

I have had a really bad week. You could say that I had a set back. Some of it adoption related and some of it, I over react because of my experiences over the years. I am trying to come out more but it's hard, but going to try to do my good stuff post anyways.

I made it to the Ymca three times this week.
I attacked the flowers in the front yard and got it ready for some new ones that my husband is going to buy me.
I attacked the carpet on the stairs. ( pulled it up) and cleaned up more of the basement.
My balance on the wii is less than 100.00 now.
My Dad has stopped over twice this week.
My son who has weird ways of being obsessed about stuff is going on and on about math.
I have a really good friend Rachel, who has a Y membership too.
I had a really good weekend with my sons and was able to use a pass to get his friend in the Ymca.
I read a few different good books but the only one that I still have to name is Ithaka A Daughter's Memoir of being found.
I soaked in the hot tub at the Y (it's being shut down after this week) :(
I have a fellow birthmom who really gets me and has had many of the same experience.
I have a great adoption counselor who says that what I have been going through is very normal.
I have an awesome cell phone plan that even without a home phone, I don't feel restricted on how much that I can talk.
I have been seeing facial expressions in my son that remind me of my brother. Isn't biology just weird. We see my brother but not that much and I see my brother in my son.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

changing of patterns

I think blogging and reading other people's blogs help me in more ways than I know. I have a habit of pushing people away and I admit even more so with little girls who pop up in my neighborhood. I am afraid to get close, because sometimes I get sad around little girls. I start thinking about what should have been. It's not about the neighbor girl. So, people can relax birthmothers do not want your children. One, we would never risk the children we are raising to take yours from you. Two, I don't want your child. Three, I would never do something like that to someone. It's just the idea of a girl for me. So, again, you can breathe easy again. I did let a neighborhood girl into m heart and then she moved. I never knew how much I enjoyed her around until they moved.

So, last winter, a new family moves in the area and my son makes friends with them. It's a little girl about 4 years old and a boy who is older than her. I have been doing my normal stuff not trying to encourage them to be over. A few weeks ago, I had to hold tears back as she petted my dog.

So yesterday, I read a post from this post on this blog. Also, I read this post from another blog. I enjoyed reading what they had to say and I think I took a little from them. I was given a little insight.

I was doing some yard work. I was pulling up the plants in the flower bed, because it was the previous owners taste and not mine. Then, the little girl from across the street comes over and tries to talk to me. I was also talking on the phone with my friend. She asked if she could come in and pull the plants too. My first reaction was to keep talking to my friend and send her home, but just because I didn't raise my daughter doesn't mean that I should push little girls away. So, she came in and we talked as we pulled the plants from the flower bed. It was kinda of nice.

I have been trying really hard to make a change in my life. To stop my patterns that I have lived for so long. It hasn't been easy. I can't be sure that I can always make the right step but I feel like things have really been getting better.

I really do enjoy blogging and it's been an experience that I wish I found sooner in life, but I have it now and that is all that matters.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Dear Izzy

It's hard to think that in the next month, you will graduate from high school. I don't feel as if it's been that long since I last held you, but I guess it has been. Attending, high school, wasn't an easy task for me. I didn't adjust very well in school, because of all the moving my family did. My last three years of school was spent at an alternative school. It was the best move for me. I no longer had to change schools based on where I lived in the city. All the teachers were great, but I am in contact with one today. I just love her.
It took me a long time to tell people that I didn't graduate at one of the local high schools. I think people think that I didn't have to work as hard. In a way, they are right. I only went to school, fie hours a day and didn't have to put up with PE and homework. I still had to earn credits to graduate though. My graduation celebration was nothing compared to the big schools. But it was still nice.
I think what I am wanting to get at is that I am so proud of you. You made it. Enjoy these last few days, getting ready for Senior Prom and graduation. Look forward to college. Go and achieve your dreams. Reach for the stars.
Second, I want you to accept you for you. Don't feel like being you isn't good enough or feel like that people will judge you if you express yourself. You have a bright future ahead of you. I love you so very much and I want the best for you.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

my good stuff

Stephen is beginning to learn dividing and I was able to help teach it.
My husband bought instant lottery tickets and he won 120 between two of them and split them with me.
My mp3 player started working after being broke from me dropping it in soda.
It's warm outside.
I seen my Dad this week.
I have three very good dogs.
My son has a tutoring club that he goes to and loves it.
Stephen is making some huge gains in his education.
I have a Y membership.
Sunday, I took my dog for a long walk on the bike path and she doesn't mind that I have her wear saddle bags to carry stuff for me.
My husband bought a grill and has been cooking on it.
I seen Tyler Perry's why did I get married too movie at the theater with a good friend of mine.
I have a good husband that doesn't try to control my time.
I can hear the birds singing.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Out of the mouth of a babe

My ten year son said, Why did you have to give up Izzy?

I said, My Mom pretty much made me, because she didn't want me to bring home a baby. Then, I said that I was too young to live on my own.

So, he said, So, she had to be adopted.

I said yes, but she has two parents that take care of her.

He said, did you get any money?

I said, what do you mean?

He said, did you get money for her?

I said, No. Do you think I should have?

He said, yea you should have gotten 50 or 25 dollars for her.

I had to hold in my laughter. It was too funny. So, folks, you will have to wait for my good stuff post for tomorrow, because I couldn't help but pass this along. The best part of it is that I could find the humor in it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

letter to Izzy's parents

Dear Izzy Parent's
Sometimes, I wonder how you would feel if you found my blog and thought you and your daughter were a part of this story. So, I thought I would write you a letter trying to explain to you why I blog.

After, I seen another Birthmother blogging, I thought what a wonderful way to express your thoughts. So, I gave it a try. At first, it was just me talking to myself, sharing my feelings. Then, it became this big circle of support from all sides of adoption. I have learned so much from people that it's just amazing.

Before blogging, I never took the time to wonder how it felt to not be able to get pregnant and have a baby. I didn't think about the emotions or the need for a baby to maybe over power your better judgement. I didn't fully understand that you could love Izzy as much as I do. Not more than me or less than me. I didn't understand the fears that you might have about me. I didn't understand that it wasn't about me, but more about the love that you have for Izzy. I didn't take the time to understand that you did what was the normal for back then.

So, if your reading this and you think that your part of the story. Then, I want you to understand that while you may not like what you read, but it's a place that I can express myself. So, I do respect you and keep the real names out of it. But I want you to know that while I might not always agree with how you handled things when I tried to reach out to you that I understand that it was within your right.

I want you to understand that I love Izzy and want the best for her. I don't want to come between you guys. I don't need to be her Mom. I can't change the past and go back. I think you have raised her to be a very special girl and Thank you for providing for her when I couldn't. You will always be her Mom and Dad. I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand that you do not need to fear me. Don't feel insecure when it comes to me. I don't think it's possible for Izzy to be loved by too many people. I promise you that I will always do my best to watch out for her best interest and support her in any way that I can. Thank You, again, for taking Izzy into your home and loving her as if she was born to you.

In this blog, I call her Izzy or my daughter. I respect that she is your daughter too. Or we could say our daughter. But mostly, I say my daughter or Izzy, because I really don't expect that you are really reading this blog, but within my blog and my thoughts that's just how I like to address her here.

Lastly, I want to end this with that while sometimes I get hurt and sad over how things were handled in 91 and through the years, that I want you to know that if ever comes a time when you want to talk or speak to me my door will always be open to you. You are Izzy's parents and I do feel like that bond is always going to keep us tied together even though it ,maybe ,only in our minds.

My best regards to you,

Izzy's Birthmother
I live in America. I speak and write only in English. I respect that there are so many languages in this world that, I can't even begin to understand. I have never had any desires to learn another one. If I decided to learn one other language it would probably be American sign, because I know some signs from when my son was non verbal until the age of five. My best friend is Mexican and sometimes I find myself feeling odd as the only white person in the place and I can't understand them. I really don't think that I can learn another language. Sometimes, my pronunciation of some words just don't come out right.
Recently, I have had links to blogs in another language and comments in different ones too. I respect that those languages are the equal as mine if that's what they speak and write. But, if you are reading something in English then comment back to me in English. I can't read it in any other language. I know some people can speak in more than one and more power to them. It' a waste of your time to comment in another language to me or link a blog to me that is in another language.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

During my counseling sessions, we have been talking about taking control back of my emotions. How I can avoid the same patterns by changing how I react. We have discussed how I don't have control of anyone else actions or thoughts of me, but I can control how I react and change a pattern. That sometimes we just have to made a decision to not keep on the same pattern of things.

If only I could put that into practice. It's easier said than done. I know that I take things more personal, because of my experiences over my lifetime and sometimes I can see that, but not until I have been overly upset.

I have some fears that I might be exposing myself on this blog to family. I really don't want family to read my thoughts. I would rather them come to me and talk to me. I feel that this blog provides me with an outlet to express my thoughts about my loss of my daughter through adoption and also my journey through counseling trying to move to a better place in my life. I don't want to feel judged and I don't want to feel like I have to sugar coat things for other people. It's not that I am ashamed of what I write and sometimes other might not agree with me, but this is my space.

Until someone has walked in my shoes, I don't want to be judged by others. So, if any family of mine is reading this, I would have to say read at your own risk. Also, you can talk to me if you have questions.

Friday, April 9, 2010

advice from a caregiver

I worked Easter Sunday. I made double time but in three years it was my worst experience of trying to stop abuse from a family member. I won't go into details because there was mental illness involved on both sides. but even so, I can't watch someone abuse my client. Abuse is more than physical abuse.

From my experience of working with the elderly and quite a few had dementia. I know how hard it is to handle them. The worse of the dementia the harder they are to deal with.
If your loved one needs a caregiver and you have hired a caregiver, let her/him do her job. Don't always hover over them and give directions to the person too. It makes the client confused more and also it tends to make the caregiver more nervous if you are always watching. I have plenty of experience of the same stuff and the time the family isn't watching over. It goes better.

If you don't live there with the client then go home. I know that sounds harsh, but do you really need to stay hours and hours if you have paid help. I do understand how that might be different if they are on hospice care. But if it's someone who needs rock the clock care and is hard to deal with because of their mental status, then just go home. I don't mean not to visit, but don't sit there for days and hours and being frustrated.

Remember that the client (your family member) isn't behaving in that way just to get to you. They have a problem that causes them to lose their ability to think right. That is why their is a caregiver. I have had people tell me wow, you handled my Mother so well. How did you do it? I can do it, because she isn't my Mother. I haven't been here for days and I am not in the middle.
I haven't heard the same story for five hundred times. Her or his stories are new to me.

Lastly, if your Mom or Dad or someone else has some dementia or other problem that makes them hard to be around. Take advantage of those good moments. Treasure them. And don't feel bad for allowing the caregiver to do her/his job. I can't speak for all caregivers but I like to say that most really like their jobs. We love what we do. We don't do it for the money. Yes, we need jobs, but it's not a high paying job. So, if your using a agency and your paying a high amount per hour. They are probably only getting a little more than a third of it. I only say that last part, because I have had people mad that I talk to the clients, because they are paying so much.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My good stuff

I was able to buy my son some summer clothes.
The weekend with both of my son's home went pretty well.
I was asked to work on Easter and made double pay.
Sunday, I met my sister for some ice tea.
Monday, my sons and I met my Dad and my sister for some tea, coffee, soda.
My sister joined myself and my kids for a cook out at the park. We had a good time.
Babysitting at meld was fun.
Ann, my big dog, is so loyal and clingy. Always at my side. I love it.
My husband chipped in some money and Stephen and I went to see The diary of a wimpy kid. It was the first movie that I have been to in over a year.
Stephen put up less of a fight to do some school work yesterday. ( I am trying to home school during the break as a trial run for home schooling instead of summer school)
We have had rain. It will be good for the trees and flowers.
Our apple tree has new growth even though it's on it's side. It was blew down but not totally apart and my husband wanted to see what would happen.
I have new followers on my blog.
Both our jobs have been doing pretty well.
I have been able to put money on a wii that I put on layaway for our family. shhhh it's a secret.
I read a good book. It was called beautiful boy by David Sheff. It was a father's journey through his son's drug addiction.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Someone told me nice photo. I am guessing he means the one right on the front of my blog. That picture was taken on Izzy's 18Th birthday. I went to the bike path that is on the river front with 18 balloons with a card tied to the ribbons.
I released the balloons into the air as a way to celebrate her birthday. When I thought of putting a picture on my blog it had to be this one. It just seemed perfect. It was a beautiful moment. My only regret is those darn balloons floated away so fast. I couldn't think of a more beautiful sky and river to look at as I thought of Izzy on her birthday. By the way, this is my 300TH post on my blog.

The power of influence

Last night, was my second night with Meld. There were two of the same boys and two were not there. But there was two different faces. Plus, I brought my sons. Last week, I didn't blog about it but two of the kids were kind of wild and talking kind of dirty. It was the two oldest boys. The other volunteer said that the younger one copies the older one.
So, the older one wasn't there and he played with my oldest son. He was a different boy. It's a amazing and how scary children will copy what others are doing. The power of influence could be a very good or bad thing. It's the bad stuff that scares me.
I did have another really good night. I enjoyed it. My youngest son didn't quite know what to do, because the babies don't really sit for any length of time and play games.

However, though, before he got there he asked me this. "Do you get paid a little or do it for free" I said, " I do it for free" He said, " Like Terry who tutors me does it for free" I said, "yes, so in a way, I am paying back and if we all help where we can help the world will be a better place to live in" It may sound cheesy, but I really mean it.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I have had a desire to blog about something but I can't seem to find the right words. I am going to give it another shot. I struggle with trying to be good enough for Izzy. I fear that she would look at me and my son's and say Thank God that I wasn't raised with her. I fear that we won't good enough for her. I fear that she will look down on us. I don't know why I fear this.

Still on some topic that has been hard to blog about. An adoptee said that if her Birthmom had been overly sad about her that it would make her mad. Her comment went deep. It made me really think. Losing my daughter to adoption was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't be telling you all the truth if I said it didn't possibly cause some of my life choices.

I fell for the first guy who showed real interest in me. He wasn't a bad guy, but I used him as a ticket to freedom out of my parents house. I knew he had bad thoughts of of what our married life should like before we were married and I accepted it. Honestly, though, I thought hey we all have fantasy's and we don't act on them right? Hell, boy was I wrong. I won't go into anymore detail though.

I have a fear of really letting people close to me, because people who were close to me and were suppose to love me, walked all over me. I have some trust issues. I can't blame everything on adoption. I didn't have the self confidence to stand up to those around me. Life is full of learning and growing. We will never stop learning and growing as a person until we are dead. The fight isn't over yet.

So, if Izzy was reading this and feeling mad or sad that I have been sad about her or she thinks that my life has been shaped by my adoption loss. I would tell her that she can feel how she wants to but don't pity me.

It's true that my first marriage failed, but we had our good times. We got so caught up in his fantasy that we lost each other. We lost each other's love and respect and then it was just a shell of a marriage. So, divorce had to happen. but don't be sad for me. I don't regret my first husband and he is part of my history. I can never forget him. I have two great son's with him. And girl, while I am at it. I don't regret meeting and falling for Todd. (her birthfather) He is part of my history too. I can't explain why he ran. Fear I guess. Oddly, I am not mad at him. I guess maybe because he isn't around me to look at. I don't know. That wraps up what's been on my mind for a while.