Thursday, April 30, 2009

lost and confused

Tonight, my husband and I went to our second session of marriage counseling. It's witha Pastor of a church, but I have to admit that I am not all that religious. Before anyone gets mad, because I said that let me explain. I don't go to church, but I believe in God. I can't say for sure that I believe we go to heaven after we die. I can't say I am convinced that we don't go to heaven. I would like to believe my animals are living on in heaven and there is something else. I really don't get into praying. I wasn't raised that way. However, if someone says they pray for me it makes me feel good. Not so much, because God will watch out for me, but that someone cares enough to pray for me. I for sure don't get into praying for myself. I am not about to sit and do nothing and pray that I get a A in my English class. I will either earn the A or B Or C. Please no D or F, but if I get a bad grade it's not God's fault. I don't credit God for the good or the bad in my life.
Pastor Kyle can't help but use his college education and the bible to counsel us. I admit this is a little strange, because I don't read the bible or don't talk about God too much. Why am I going to him, because I am desperate for help. I don't want a second divorce, but I want peace. I don't want to cry anymore. I am afraid that I have so much anger towards my husband that I just don't know how to let go. I can try to take baby steps, but inside I am screaming you fucking jerk! So my frustation is still there. The adoption talks have caused a lot of my pain. I hear suck it up, or the famous Birthparents cause trouble. How in the hell is asking for pictures of the girl that I brought life to really causing trouble. When he uses the words causes trouble it reminds me of the early days without Izzy. The days where the only reason I didn't just curl up and die was because, I didn't want Izzy to learn of me in that way. If those reasons aren't enough to hurt me. I have heard why are you crying.. you don't even know what color eyes she has. Or the famous she could have a baby of her own. Yep that makes me feel much better. A baby young and possibly in my shoes is my worst nightmare.Or there is the I gave my 14 year up like I did with Izzy. I was forced to give Izzy up and I am still my son's Mom. I am not my daughter's Mom. I can't just take her to dinner. I know right where my daughter is and I have to do nothing. Even though I know the two can't be compared, it hurts me so deeply that it reminds me of the days that I just didn't want to live because it hurt so much. I wonder how did I survive, but then again did I really survive? I still have my dark days where the pain is just too much. Crying doesn't help, because I get attacked. I should be more like my husbands ex wife who got proper counseling so adoption loss hasn't affected her. I don't know if he noticed, but I am not his ex wife. I am me!!!
So back to the counseling from the bible stand point. I am all for anyone trying to help me understand what he means with these next few statements.
He says men use logic... Women use emotion. Using the balance of both can make a strong marriage. My question is since my husband admits he has a drinking problem can he still use logic?
He says that men rule the household.. that women should honor their men. I will admit that I said hell I did what my first husband wanted and look where it got me. I really don't want to explain more here. However, he was waiting for me to challenge him and this is where I lost him. I think he said we all are servents of God and that if we both based on lives off the bible my husband thoughts wouldn't be too far off from mine.
He explained it like this.. if he wanted to have a extra martial affair... and since him and his wife both believe and live their lifes by the bible.. she can say that is agaisnt your beliefs and then he will know she is right. But my thing is that I have grown enough as a person to know sex outside of my marriage isn't right. I am committed that the only sex I will have will be with my husband. So I don't feel like I really have to have a strong belief in God to have a strong marriage or do I? I am lost. I am desperate. I complain about my husbands drinking and smoking and I will admit because of the costs, but health good reason to cut back or stop. I don't feel that it's right that he smokes and drinks and we can't pay all our bills. My husband has turned things around on me. Within the last year, I have gained some weight. More than I want to admit. So, now he is saying that I use food as he does drinking. Maybe I do maybe I don't. I know that I am not so much into eating that I shake if I go without or totally unable to do anything.I don't scream until he brings home this so called food that I eat too much of. I have been trying to work out, because he has made me feel bad. I been using my equipment some at home, but mostly going to the Y on top of working and going to school. It doesn't help that I work 72 hours a week. He doesn't understand why I have equipment and a membership. Well I like being around other people and the Y has the hot tub. My husband swears one minute, I am going for just the hot tub and the next that I belong at home. How can he tell me to lose weight and make me feel bad and want me home?
Back to God.. I just can't believe if there is God up in Heaven making decisions on who will die or get hurt or who will get better. I want to ask God.. why did you fly airplanes into the World Trade Center? And on Izzy's birthday of all days? Do you know how often I hear 9/11 which reminds me of the tragic events and my daughter? Is it God's plan to totally make me go crazy.
Also if God is so great then how come after a counseling session with a Pastor, I just wanted to Cry and I did Cry. First, I walked my Dog, because my husband made me feel bad. Then I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and cry, but my husband took it all personal. I think he heard too much that God says that man is in charge. Even though he said he isn't so sure he believes that, but he sure did try to pull rank.
The pastor did tell that there is two kinds of respect. He said my kids should respect him as head of the household and follow what he says, but there is the kind of respect that you have to earn. He said that the kids Dad can be totally horrible and it's still in my son's nature to honor his Father. He went on to say that Women use emotion to try and keep a relationship and men use logic and women expect the men to act grown and help deal with life. I am not sure where I am going with this post other than I am confused. I guess I want someone to tell me that if we don't totally get on the God wagon that we can still learn to have a happy life. My English teacher has mentioned he does marriage counseling for free and he does talk about religion so I am going to try and get the courage to just talk to him. See what advice he can offer me.Maybe if he is saying the same, I can figure this stuff out. I am just plain lost and confused. After all the fighting, I will admit that we had what some people might call make up sex, but I am not so sure we made up. I am still sad, confused and unable to sleep.
Lastly, I just want to say that even though it's hard, but so far I comfortable with the Pastor. It's hard though to open up in front of others. Also, I quoted him the best I could remember here. I can't say there are word for word. Well I got to try to sleep, I have to be up in about 4 hours for my son and then my clients.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I haven't invested as much time with reading blogs and blogging myself, because my computer is broke. It's going to get shipped off to be fixed. It's under warranty so no big deal. I am still reading, but not as many as I was for a while. It's not just the computer thing. Sometimes blogs make me sad and with my class finishing up I have to try and not think too much. I have spent the last year in college. This was my first college experience ever. I am not sure I can keep going. I can't be the bread winner, Mom, wife and deal with family problems all at the same as being a student. I do really like the classes and even though it doesn't show here, all my papers have been a high C or high B. I feel like I can't keep finding the time to pull the grades off. It is amazing how fast the time flies and I love the time spent in class.
After our first session with the Pastor, we were told to discuss it between ourselves and let him know if we want to see him again. So we agreed that same night that we should go back. We both felt comfortable with him. So, the next night, I called and didn't hear back. I waited a few more days and call again. Still nothing. By this time, I am wondering am I dialing the wrong number. So yesterday, I tried again and he answers and says he was sorry that he didn't call back, because he was in South America. He said, with me you got to deal with me running off to South America. He informed me that at the end of May that he will be there for two months. We are seeing him tonight, but I don't think our problems can be fixed before the end of may. I find it a little rude that he didn't say it will be a few days before you can reach me. What did he really expect that we wouldn't call him back?
I really don't know what to expect out of marriage counseling. Sometimes I forget why I love my husband, can our marriage really be saved? I think there has been so much hurt and disrespect between us that I wonder can we get the past back? I don't know what issues are more important. I don't know if I can open myself up so deeply in front of my husband so he knows where I am coming from in front of someone else.
I am still working on my scrap book for Izzy. I do about a page or two per week. I haven't been able to take any good pictures lately, because my husband broke the camera on the basement floor. It was a accident. He was trying to take pictures of the steps taken for us to get our new furnace.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Dear Ashley

I often wonder what kind of a person you are? Are you serious? Are you a good student? Can you look at yourself and know that you are a pretty girl? Do you love pets? What is your favorite holiday?
I am a pretty serious person, I get too worked up and easily sad. Although, I do have a bad/funny sense of humor. I laugh when others might not. When people fall down or for example today at a restaurant a waitress dropped a plate of food. I just can't help myself. I have noticed that Tyler laughs at stuff just like me. My family pretty much knows that is just how I am. I am not always so sure that I am a pretty girl. It varies from day to day. I don't get into getting nails done or my hair done or do I wear make up. I love pets. We are just plain crazy. My favorite animal is my dog Ann. I also just love my bunnies. I am not so sure what is my favorite holiday anymore. I admit that I miss the holidays when I had my whole family around. I am a caregiver for the elderly. I take care of a 98 year old couple on a live in basis. It's the best job, but sometimes makes me feel like I am a chicken with my head cut off. It's similar to taking care of two two year old's, but I have to fight for control. I have to let them do what they can and always be there to pick them up when they need it.
I like to collect dolls, but only had a few, because I wouldn't buy them for myself. However, when I found a doll shop... I decided that if I want something, I can't wait for others to buy them. So, I have bought a couple cute dolls and my husband buys them furniture. I even went to the goodwill to buy them some clothes. One of the dolls sits by the fish tank. I like to stand him up to scare my husband. I hope your doing well. I miss you.
Today, I picked up my older son from his Dad's for a few hours. It has been decided until we work things out that I won't bring him home. So, we went to lunch and then a walk and then played around at the Y. We had a good time. My son even admitted that he isn't innocent with all the conflict. We did have a great time. It was just me and my kids.
I dropped him off at his Dad's. Izzy's parents live close by. I know that maybe I should take a different route, but I don't. It's quicker and less pot holes. I seen Izzy's Dad in the drive. When I drove by at the speed limit of 45 mph, I looked over at him. He is looking old. As soon as I looked at him, he looked up at me. I don't know if he would know who I was or not. It makes me a little nervous, because I don't want them to get upset and move away. I just wish they could see that I am not a threat to them. Also if they would just talk to me they would know that I just don't go driving by there just to see them. I go by there for my son.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Wedesday, my husband and I went to our first session of marriage counseling. I was a little nervous, because it's a pastor. I didn't know if I would feel comfortable with him, but since part of our marriage promblems is money, we don't have money to pay. So, I was desperate and willing to give him a try. We bothed liked him and agreed to go back. I am excited that maybe we can get back that loving feeling. My husband had to step out for a few to smoke and I got a few minutes to talk on my own. Which helps, because my husband tends to talk way toooo much. I told him a very quick version of Izzy and how my husband compares allowing my older son to live with his Dad and Izzy. He said, "wow that's got to hurt" Then he said, "That men don't know how to handle things.. so he is trying to beat it out of me" Those were his words, but I have told my husband that before.
When he asked us what the defition of love was? We both were wrong. He told us that love means sacerficing for the other... that you go without for them to get.. I was almost ready to say what??? Then he said, it only works if both parties are sacerficing for the other.
It was more of just getting information, but I feel like this really may help us.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The puppy bunny

I have lots of stuff on my mind. My husband and I are going to our first marriage counseling session on Wed. I am kind of nervous, because one he is a man and two he is a pastor. Enjoy my cute bunny for now.
I love animals and they are the only ones acting normal. Okay as long as you don't count that Puppy here growls if I get too close to his bud or his home and my kitten jumped in the sewer.
My kitten is always getting into trouble. Him and my younger bunny run around and play. Can anyone guess what his bud's name is? Want to see him? Only if you ask nicely.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Dear Izzy

I hope you are doing well. I am guessing that you are excited to be finishing up the 11Th grade and then you can call yourself a senior. I will be honest that I have a idea on what you look like, because I have seen your pictures in your school's yearbook. I carry those pictures around pretty much all the time. I had the pleasure of showing my older sister. She is the only one who I really can talk about you with. Everyone else just keeps quiet. So when she was here from out of state it was nice to show her. She didn't doubt for a second that you are my girl.
Last night, my husband and I went to dinner at the local restaurant that my Mom also goes there quite a bit too. We ran into his ex wife, I guess she goes there too. Well anyways the waitress asked me did I have a older sister that looks a lot like me. I told her no. I really don't think she looks like me. Then I figured my older sister must have come in there with our Mom. It makes me wonder if you came in there would they ask me if I have a daughter or if your Mom comes in here. I know I am not your Mom, but from the pictures I can see that we do look quite a bit alike.
Izzy, I have to finish getting ready for work now. I am working a double shift. That is 48 hours in my clients home, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I will work on your scrap book. I picked up some new stuff for it. I hope you don't mind it's a lot of my kids. I promise I will try to put other stuff in there too. Also, I will be working on my homework for my English class. I hope you have some plans for college. Do it before you get married and have kids. It's very hard to do it now.
I love you girl. I always think of you.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

After the last weekend with my older son home, we decided on some marriage counseling. Actually my husband thinks we need family counseling and even to involve my ex husband. He called one place and they are suppose to call us back, but going to them will add to our money problems.
I called a church that a co worker suggested for counseling. I will admit that I am not into religion. I honestly have never been to a church that I care to go to. I have tried and honestly just either feel alone or pressured or even just a outcast.
Out of pure desperation to save the relationship between my son and save my marriage I called the church even though I am not into religion. I am not saying I don't believe in God, but I just don't get into Church or 100% sure there is anything past our life here on earth. I don't really want to get into a heavy discussion about religion here. I talked to the Pastor and he agrees it sounds like we need help and help fast. He brought religion and praying into the conversation and I can't blame him. He is a pastor after all. I don't know if I can talk to a Pastor about all our issues and be totally honest. I also really don't want religion forced on me, but I can't exactly deny him the right to try and teach us. We are now waiting on another call from another pastor he is referring us to.

On the adoption side of my life it's been about six weeks since I wrote the second letter. I didn't hear anything back. I don't regret writing again. I can at least tell all my children that I tried twice to connect with them. I have accepted that they won't write and now the wait is on. She will be 18 in the fall, but I believe in my state her parents are in charge until she is 21 years of age. So wait is what I will do.

My sister was in from another state. I was able to show her the photocopied pictures of Izzy. She agrees that she looks a lot like me, but her looks from year to year change. I have always had some self esteem issues and have never thought of myself as cute, beautiful or pretty. However, my daughter is pretty. I can see me in her. Suddenly I don't see myself as ugly anymore. I am not the prettiest girl, but how can I be ugly. If I still say that I am ugly then my daughter is ugly too. I just won't go there.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I suspect that my daughter's parents had a child after being told they couldn't have a child. I don't know all the details, but I was told that Izzy's Mom was pregnant or had a baby. I believe had a baby, because I remember hearing the word boy.
In the last week or so, I have found two blogs where a couple adopted and then did have a baby. I have enjoyed reading both the blogs.
When I was much younger and found out about a brother for my daughter I was actually happy. I personally think if it would have happened during my child's first year it would have been harder to handle. However, if my memory is right, my daughter's brother is about 3-4 years younger then Izzy. I don't have any proof or knowledge of this. My aunt quit giving me information years ago.
Lately, I wonder how did they handle having one adopted child and one child from pregnancy. Have they raised them both to be proud of their background? I wonder if Izzy feels second best, because they finally got what they wanted? Does their son feel as if his place in the family should be first born? Does he tease her and tell her your not Mom and Dad's child?
So bloggers who have adopted and had baby's on your own what are you doing to ensure that your children don't feel different? How will you handle if the adopted child feels like they really not part of the family? Also when you see your adopted baby and birth baby for the first time would you describe the feelings as the same?
The two blogs that I have read interest me, because your in open adoptions and I am interested because of the fact that your story is close to my daughter's family (meaning having a child by birth after adoption)
After I took my older son back to his Dad's, I left the house to just get away from my husband. My son, Steve, and I went to the park. There was a little girl who told us she was 11 years old very interested in asking us questions. She asked me if I had a daughter? I hate that question. It's almost as bad as getting a shot. So, I did my usual no I don't. Steve said, "Mom you used to" The girl wanted to know more, but I ended it fast. She kept talking to us. I learned that she has never been to the liabary, the grocery store and had not ate and her Grandfather died that day. Does that all sound like a story? Well anyways it was the first time that I actually got to see if my son really understood what I told him a couple weeks ago.
Later in the evening, I explained to him that we don't tell everyone about Izzy. That it's hard to talk about. I said not everyone needs to know. He asked why didn't I keep her, and did I know where she lived. I explained that I do know. So then he asked can we go to her house? I told him that her parents didn't understand that there is enough love to go around so they are afraid. I told him when she is old enough she can decide to know us or not. He asked can we still call her your daughter? Even a 9 year old seems to get how important that is. He suggested that she could move in with us. I explained that she will be adult and probably would live on her own.
After the conversation ended I was playing the conversation over again in my head. Did I silence my son like my family silenced me? It bothers me, because there isn't a easy answer to that question. Do we need to tell everyone and anyone that asks if I have a daughter or asks how many kids you have or how many brother or sisters do you have? It hurts to tell and hurts not to tell.

I had Easter dinner with my clients family. It was pretty nice. I really wished I was home with my family. I got to meet the little boy my clients grand daughter and husband adopted from China. When they went to get him.. the thought of them coming and just taking him really bothered me. He has been home with them for five weeks and he looks great. They look like they all are adjusting well.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A year ago, I let my son move in with his Dad. I didn't want to, but his Dad was pressuring him to live with him and my ex husband was convinced that the different school district would help his grades. It didn't work, but that is besides the point.
My husband is carrying a grudge over my son moving out. I believe my son has some issues with listening, but I think he has been doing very well.
I see my son every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and sometimes I pick him up at other times. When I see my son I don't treat him bad or yell at him for something he did 2,4,6 weeks ago. Every time I see him it's a new time. My husband on the other hand has just been plain rude. Two weeks ago, Alex wanted to watch a move with us and my husband said he isn't allowed to sit on the couch with us. He has to sit in the rocker to watch. It made my son feel bad. He then said he could sit as long as I sat in the middle. However, my son wasn't interested because he had already been hurt. I tried to explain to my husband where he did wrong and he seemed to agree. This weekend, we pick up Alex and it's almost right away my husband giving a problem. Alex wanted to watch a movie and my husband kept saying no couch.. he is a man too old to cuddle. My son wouldn't want to cuddle with my husband. So, my son is hurt again. My son and I watched the movie in our basement which made us cold and difficult to hear. My husband doesn't seem to understand why we would choose not to be able to hear and being cold. I explained to him again, you hurt my son so he don't want to be around you. Also, since you hurt my son I don't want to be around you either.
Later in the night, after lots of talking and trying to explain to him what he is doing wrong. He just won't shut up. It was after 2 am and I am asking for to just please end this for now. He decided it was a great time to remind me that Alex feels like I have given him up. So my husband is comparing me allowing my son to live with his Dad and an adoption. They can't be compared. I am my son's legal Mom. I can see and talk to him any time I want. My ex and I don't be petty and say it's not your weekend. I don't get how when my son is sleeping or trying to sleep in my house how that is the same as given him up for adoption.
It really hurts me. I really don't think my son feels that way. We did ask him one, because my husband brought this up before and my son said no I don't feel that way. However, in anger my son did yell I feel like I have been given up. I believe he did it, because he knew he could get to me. Even though he did say it once, I don't think he personally feels that way.
I know you guys are probably tired of me talking about my husband. He has agreed to family counseling, but I feel that marriage counseling has to happen first. We are waiting for a appointment to open up.

Friday, April 10, 2009

more talking

How do you decide which blogs to be interested in enough to follow? By follow, I mean either sign up to follow or just go back to it again? What I do normally is I try to read the blog from the beginning. This may take a couple days and sometimes I might skim over parts. If I enjoy, can get insight from or just plain like what they have to say I either follow it by going back or choose to follow it by the option the blog has.
What I don't understand why one day the amount of followers goes down? Did I say something to really offend someone? I don't know if I would ever choose to use the option to stop following them. It just seems a little mean. It seems like a 3rd grader thing.. I am not your friend anymore.

Also with Easter around the corner, remember those cute bunnies at the pet store will grow up. Don't buy them on impulse. Know what your getting into before you buy. Over the past 7 years, I have had 7 bunnies. 3 are dead and the other four I still have. Out of 7 bunnies,only one was bought at a pet store. The rest were animals that people for one reason another got tired of or couldn't keep. In the fall, my elderly rabbit died, and my husband brought me home a baby rabbit. We seen a young rabbit in the pet store, but in the adoption area. We adopted him. About a week and half later, we got a call about two males that needed a home. I just fell in love with them. They are five years old and live together. A lot of bunnies end up in the shelters so if anyone wants a bunny or knows anyone that wants a bunny read up on them. Even bunnies need a good home. I guess that makes me a adopted parent too!!! One of my older male bunnies growls at me if I get too close to his home or his bud. Do any of your children growl at you?? hahaha Well that's the end of my 2 cents for today.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


My husband and I have been doing a lot of fighting. Sometimes I think he is pulling stuff out of his hat to just pick a fight.
A little information to start with. My husband's son is gay and has been in a relationship for five years. I have known my husband's son for all of these five years and I accept him and his boyfriend. Here is where he argued with me.
He told me that I don't accept his son. I haven't supported him being gay. My husband doesn't have any issues with his son being gay and I don't either. It's their life and not mine.
I haven't actually told my step son that I support him being gay or his boyfriend. I have had his son and his boyfriend over and I am friendly. We have been to their place. In order to support his son do I need to say that I am ok that your gay? Or does including the boyfriend enough? I have been following quite a few blogs from gay men adopting so I don't think I have issues.
Also I want to add that I haven't told his daughter that I accept her being streight or her boyfriend. I have never went to anyone and told them that I accept their boy/girlfriends or don't. I figure they have to live with them not me. So, we all like men. I am okay with that? I figure I like men and he likes men. Am I wrong?
A few months ago, I called a aunt on my Dad's side. My Dad took us to visit her many times and we seen her when she came to our town. I asked her for some pictures of my aunts and uncles, because I am making a scrap book. Yesterday, I called her again and left a message and I hear from her today. I asked her again, except this time I told her why I was making the book. She knew that I had a child, but didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. It felt good to speak the truth. She said she would make sure my Dad knew that I had called. She said that he would be thrilled that I contacted her.

I will admit that I did a really mean post about adoption on my other blog. Sometimes I just want to yell to my family that adoption has affected me. I am tired of being silent. Let's see if anyone says anything.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

scrap book

I told my husband that I would like to get a few pictures of us together for my scrap book. He said, his daughter could help. He later at night, tells me that he doesn't want any of his pictures in the scrap book. He doesn't know what Izzy would do with them. Maybe she would scan them and put them online. He tells me that I should have my son's permission, before I put his pictures in there. When I told him that I asked for my sister's permission to put her child in there, he said they are my pictures and I don't need permission. I personally think if it's someone of age and they allowed me to take a picture then I can put them in the book. Any kids besides mine then I thought to ask permission.
So, he waits to late at night to pick a fight about not putting his picture in there. Even though, we have our problems, he is my husband and I wanted to include it in the book that talking about me.
He asked me did I have a picture of me standing alone with her Birthfather gone? Actually I have thought about that. Do I address my time with him in the book? That is a part of my life? Even though, adoption hurts I don't regret my time with him. However, I think somethings are better left to be discussed in person. If anyone has any advice on should I include my life with him not?
He also asked that I delete any picture of him that I have on "my normal blog" I did but I am thinking what a asshole. He helped me post most the pictures from when I first started the blog. I haven't posted any of him for a while. What really bothers me is that his daughter has posted pictures of us on his blog, and he sees nothing wrong with this. He finally agreed that I could use our wedding picture that was taken in the court house, but I don't want to now.

Monday, April 6, 2009

just talking

I spend a lot of time reading blogs. I enjoy reading blogs from all sides of adoption. I love to read adoptive parents blogs, but prefer that they are in a open adoption. I don't really want to waste my time reading from someone who thinks adoptions stops after the TPR are signed. I love to read how they honor the open agreements. I really love reading about the visits. I understand that somethings are left private though.
I do sometimes wonder if my reading of blogs keeps me more depressed. I can feel happiness for some couples when they adopt, but my heart aches. I can't help, but feel the pain of the birth mother. When I tell someone that I am happy that they brought their baby home I feel like a trader. However, I do understand that adoption sometimes has to happened and I am happy that more people are starting to understand that open adoptions are best for everyone involved.
Many years ago, I joined a group for Birthmothers and I only went a couple times. There were women who were getting pictures of their children that they placed. I had never heard the term open adoption and I was very pissed! I had never heard of a adoption agency and I could have picked a couple who was willing. It was too much for me.
I spent about two years, giving pregnant women the evil eye. I hated them. They had their babies and I didn't. I didn't want to be around babies either. I don't think I was at peace with pregnant women and babies until I had my first son.
I have grown a lot. Pregnant women and babies don't bother me. It doesn't bother me to hear how a birthmother gets pictures or visits anymore. I am jealous, but jealous in a good way. I am so happy for them. I used to really regret that Izzy was adopted by her parents. That if adoption had to be the way, I wished that I could have went through a adoption agency. However, I now am happy that things went down the way that they did.(that is if she had to be adopted) I named my daughter and asked if they would leave her name be. As far as I can tell. they honored my request. I know my daughter's name. I won't ever have to search the adoption regristies looking for a match. I am still angry with Izzy's parents, but I understand that they just didn't recieve the education and went with what was the normal for the 90's. Well that's my 2 cents for today.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I am still depressed, but that's probably won't change for a while.
Meet my baby girl. Isn't she pretty? She loves to carry her water bowl around outside. Does anyone have any advice to keep her from spilling?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My husband asked me for advice on how to deal with a co worker. It's her daughter's 40th birthday. She has been dead for 5 years. My first answer was that I didn't know. Then he pushed me for a answer. I told him Don't tell her you understand her pain. Don't tell her it's not okay to talk? Just be there for her. I tell him maybe just offer a hug. I tell him that I don't have any experience, but I wonder if death is easier to deal with. He thinks I am being rude, because I turn it into death or adoption what's harder. Am I selfish in thinking adoption might be harder? It's not that I want my daughter dead. It's just that death is final. You wouldn't know that they are out there. If won't wonder if they are ok?
I expressed that I have lived a life of lies, because not many people know that I have placed a child for adoption. I have told him that the few that I have told over the years say stupid things and don't really want you to talk about it.
From my husband I here everything others have said. He doesn't agree that my children should have been told. He doesn't want me to talk about it. Maybe I am really wrong here, but when I had a really hard day he made it worse for me. Why should he be nice to the coworker. Just slam the door in her face... like he did me. He just doesn't get it. I cried for hours. The pain doesn't go away. Not once did my husband follow my advice when I had my breakdown of tears last night.
Can you imagine living a life and basically there is something pretty big and your family never brings it up? It's has if my daughter never was born. Oh and by the way, I was informed she isn't my daughter. She is another family's daughter and if for some reason his kids aren't really his he don't want anyone like me coming around. I cried a river of tears. I think it's better if he just keeps his mouth shut to his co worker.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Today marks the three weeks of my daughter's parents sitting on the letter. This is the week that I said that if I thought if they would write then they most likely would do it by then. So, I am guessing that even with asking for a reply one way or another and really expressing my wishes on my boys being allowed to see a picture wasn't enough. I am angry and hurt. They could have sent me a letter saying bug off and I would have taken it better. I don't see any point in writing them again. If what I said this time didn't work then nothing will. So I will just have to wait it out. I am done asking. I really don't care what kind of excuses or fears they have nothing can make up for this. I think a very big part of me would love for them to acknowledge me and just maybe I can not feel this anger towards them. I can't believe Izzy is probably almost finished with the 11th grade. Wow! Kids grow so fast. I have a few huge fears. I fear that she could get pregnant and suffer my same fate. My biggest fear is reading her death notice in the newspaper. I mean if for horrible reason she died of illness or from a accident why would they tell me. If they don't want to share her in life why would they have death.