Friday, August 31, 2012


I had a very bad dream last night. It sort of threw me thru a loop. In my dream, I gave birth to three babies and I don't have a clue if these were single births or triplets. I have dreamed of having babies before but never dreamed of having 3 in one night.

All the babies were boys. I have never had a dream of giving birth to a girl. It's as if my mind is protecting my heart from going there but there is still the damn factor another boy.

The most disturbing part of the dream is that two of the babies were placed for adoption and one was kept. It was heartbreaking and adoption wasn't something I wanted to do.

I suppose the dream happened cause Izzy's 21st birthday is less than two weeks away.

I remember being dispointed that I was having a boy with my first son. (real life) I wanted a daughter so bad.

I remember being crushed when I found out my son child to be raised by me was going to be a son too. I remember the guilt I felt for crying about not getting a daughter when I should have been happy that my baby was looking healthy. Then, sad cause how come I can't have a girl. Everyone else gets them. Everyone else tells me how you want a girl and you should be happy you don't have daughters.

How many of you dream about giving birth? Is it something only women that have done it and dream about? I wonder how many birthmothers dream about giving children up for adoption in their dreams. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last time.

My poor husband got kneed or kicked in the back by me. I had forgotten about it until he mentioned it. Then, I remembered how I softly rubbed his back where I had nailed him. He joked about it as in I rubbed his back so he would think being kicked was a dream.

The part I don't understand is in my dreams am I giving the babies away because they are boys? Am I having child after child trying to get a girl? But out of the three I kept one baby boy so that just doesn't make sense.

I don't know if I can ever be at 100% peace at not giving birth to a second daughter. I do feel that I have been blessed with a step daughter and a grand daughter even though she is a stinker. LOL I am very lucky to be in reunion with Izzy. I may not have the relationship that my heart craves but I do know her and have contact.

Lastly, I want to add that I have never once regretted having boys. I have regretted not having another child for a shot at raising a daughter.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Back to school

Stephen started 7th grade on Monday. It's his second year of middle school and the first was pretty bad. We didn't feel like we got the help we needed for our son and it was just a battle that I am afraid that my son lost out on last year.

I am hoping for a much better school year and my goal is to call an IEP meeting pretty soon and get things lined up to help me son stay organized and on task. Sending home homework that my son hasn't even attempted to do isn't going to fly. It's their job to tap him on the shoulder or give him the evil eye that says do you need me to call your parents?

We did start him on add medication a week before school started and honestly I really fought with myself over it all summer long. My husband and I were tossing it around and he was more agaisnt it than I was.

In the end, if my husband isn't driving Stephen to the doctors and counselors then I had the final say.

It's pretty early to tell but I do believe that my son has had less meltdowns since starting the medication. I don't know if that's something it helps with or not.

We have changed things up a bit around here. My son is taking a shower and getting dressed and then eating and getting out the door. We have always done showers at night and my husband thought if he was eager to eat that he wouldn't yell about it and it has really been working so far.

My son comes home at 4pm and goes to bed at 9pm. This gives us a total of five hours that involve homework, chores, and eating dinner and as of right now some down time. I hope to have time to get him to the YMCA once or twice a week since once again he doesn't have gym at school.

We are starting a reward chart with stickers and not sure what the prize is going to be. Right now the most he can earn a day is 3 and it's filled up at 25. I need it to be something not too pricey and something we can fullfill pretty quickly for it to work. Any suggestions?

Saturday, August 25, 2012

It's been about a week and half since my husband met his father since they last seen each other over 20 years ago. My biggest concern over him coming into my husband's life was wondering if he did it for the wrong reasons.

I feel like he was slightly pushed and encouraged by his children and by myself too. To me it didn't matter that he wasn't there for his kids.. I thought he should get the chance to know what had come of his son and his children.

I didn't want my husband to have any regrets for not ever seeing his father face to face so that was another reason of mine.

As far as I know my husband hasn't heard from his Dad since he returned home. I am not sure if that is something my husband desires or not. Only he can really answer to that.

I hope his father takes his second chance and runs with it. I don't mean run and not come back but see what sort of relationship he can have going forward. Or maybe, it was just his desire to see his children and their children for his own piece of mind and doesn't know where or how to fit in.

I really can relate to that. How does one just step into a family unit and make up for lost time. It's called walking on egg shells and putting two feet forward and one foot back. It's looking up to the sky and dreaming on a shooting star. It's called falling down and brushing the dirt off of your knees and get back up and try try again.

Decisions about upcoming changes

I am due our normal child support on this coming Monday and I just knew we wouldn't get it. I saved a little bit of the last check to use for supplies knowing that after paying for uniforms off of layaway that I wouldn't want the supplies coming out of my checking account.

I believe we have the majority of the things but probably need to double check. My son's father bought him a new pair of shoes and sent somethings home but there is the issue of being the wrong type of paper and pencils but it's the thought that counts.

My children's father has been going thru some hard times. There electric and gas was shut off and still is off at the moment. They claim it will be back on within the week or so and I didn't ask how they are managing it. They have been staying with his Mom due to his power being off.

This is the first weekend in a month that Stephen is spending the whole weekend with them. I was concerned about sleeping arrangements but decided not to push the issue of not sending him due to it really messing with Stephen's routine when things don't go as planned.

My ex husband told me he is going back to work within a few days cause school is starting up again. However, that first check won't cover the support payment.

He told me how in three weeks he is going to truck driving school and should be able to pay support once checks get rolling in again.

He told me he will be gone about 3 weeks at a time and home for about four days. This is going to mess with his visitations with my kids. They are offering for Stephen to still spend every other weekend at his place with his wife.

We are kind of unsure about this idea. Visition is for my children to see their father and it's really not about her even though she is there and is legally his stepmother.

I don't know to give my son the choice or not. I personally miss him while he is gone but the break is nice too. I know my husband misses him too but probably enjoys the 2 day break every other week more than me because he isn't working outside of the home.

My ex husband was really cool about the situation. He admitted to not paying child support and said that he will pay back support and he mentioned how when Alex is 18 he will drop off of it and I agreed but admitted to not knowing if it did it on it's own. He said he would give me the info to get the payments taken out from his new job and we would even go back to court to get the amount changed. I believe he was hinting that he would be earning more money compared to his school bus job.

More money would be good cause lately I have been seeming to need quite a bit days off. Some has been for fun but others have been for something that I needed to do.

Next month, I am going to workshop on behaviors in autistic children and hope to take home some ideas from it.

October, I go on my retreat for Mom's with special needs. I am looking forward to it.

My ex husband has been really cool and friendly. Hope this isn't the calm before the storm. haha. He was even nice to my current husband tonight. Scary!

I wonder if getting his electric and gas shut off was sort of like hitting rock bottom. I don't blame him for taking a truck driving job but I do wonder if he is cut out for it.

My Dad drove a truck for a long time over the road and thinks it's a bad idea. My current husband spent about 3 or 4 years driving a truck when his kids were younger. He quit because he didn't know where their school was located.

I sort of think it's a good move. Both him and his wife work for the schools transporting children to school so the problem they ran into being out of income will just repeat itself. I suppose the thing to do would have been to save money but that's easier said than done.

One last quick thing to blog about. Alex has been on his job for about a month now. It maybe even six weeks. We have had to put our foot down and make him stay home some night cause he wants to hang with friends even though he has to work at 7 am.

We are going to start charging him rent very soon. My husband suggested an dollar for every other he works and I agree with that. It would most likely add up to 15 to 20 dollars a week.

We on a few different times have woke up to discover he isn't waking on his own and now my husband feels like he has to wake him up. I sort of just tonight came up with the idea if we have to wake him up for him to get to work then he pays us 5 dollars per wake up.

Or if he doesn't want to pay five dollars he can join Stephen at the Y and be his fitness guy for the day. Whatever we do I want it to be something that will make him go damn.. I got to get myself up. Any ideas?

Friday, August 24, 2012

Almost time for school

Today, was my last free day with Stephen. We went to get his school uniforms off layaway and got his school supplies for the 7th grade.

A shopping network was giving a free bracelet away in a raffle and selling 5 peices of jewely for 60 bucks but only to three people. Guess who's hand flew up to buy one? Yep. You guessed I did it. It wasn't the smartest thing I have done due to money being tight. Opps.. I needed something shiny to go with my smaller clothes lol

I have mixed emotions about school starting again. I hope this school year is different. We started him on add medication and have mixed feelings about it. It's only been a few days and we notice some sleeping troubles. However, his mood seems more stable but we do get those moments in between the fits.

I bought two cook books off of my kindle. One is for crockpots and one is for casseroles. My goal is to try a meal from each book once a week and take some of the pressure off of cooking for my husband.

My biggest fear about school is the loads of stress over homework and my second fear is that I won't have time to keep up with zumba.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I have been taking my son to counseling bi weekly to work thru some of his issues that come from his disabiltiy and he was telling me how he told her how my grand daughter (his neice) was hanging in his room after he cleaned it. He is 12 just for the record.

He said she was confused how the baby was related to him. I guess he told her that her Mom is related to him but not her dad. Basically the baby's Mom is his step sister.

Stephen then says how come you gave Izzy away? I briefly said I didn't have a choice and did what my Mom made me do. I hate conversations like this. Ugh.

He then said, if you hadn't given her away I would have had a full sister. I said, "she would have still been an half sister to you.

What I think he was getting at in his own way was if you hadn't given her away I would have a real sister at home. I know people don't like the term "real" cause oppisite of real is "fake" But I just can't think of another term for the moment.

I think he knows the difference between what it might mean to have Izzy at home as a sister compared to having Izzy as a sister in the far distant.

It's not the same. Izzy doesn't treat him like she does the brother she grew up with. I won't pretend it's the same.

It's been heavy on my heart today.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


I have blogged about my dinner experience with Izzy in my private blog. I won't go into too many details here but basically my daughter asked to borrow my cell phone while I was still eating to arrange a ride home.

I normally probably eat at an average speed but when I am with Izzy I tend to focus more on the conversation and eat slower cause I am just so into her. However, I don't eat like turtle speed so I thought her arranging for the ride in twenty minutes was rude. We could have still left in 20 or 30 minutes but the fact she had to arrange the ride and put a time limit on how much longer out outing would last.

I was talking to my best friend about this and how I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone besides her. She thinks I should talk to Izzy and let her know how it bothered me and basically said if she doesn't know she upset me how is it ever going to get better.

My friend thinks we should be past the stage where I am afraid she will run away if she hears something she doesn't like. I am so on the fence with it. I don't have the same secuity with my relationship with Izzy that I do with my two sons.

I have years of memories of good and bad times with my children and no matter what I do they will always be my sons and I will always be their Mom. I try to teach them to take care of themselves but in the end I hope my kids will know that I will do my best to help them if they are down in out.

I am not Izzy's Mom nor do I have years of memories that bond us together. I can't know for sure if Izzy will take what I say to heart and look for ways to improve our relationship or say to hell with ya.

I have to figure out if it's something I want to risk. We been in reunion for almost two years now and I still don't feel like we are making a dent in having a good relationship. I don't know what makes Izzy tick and she doesn't know what makes me me.

When we talk to each other during our speed dating is how I kind am looking at it. I don't feel like we are really learning about each other. It almost felt like she was interviewing my family for a job interview. We talk about stuff but barely get past the surface of what's going on in our life.

I will never not be there for Izzy but I just don't like things the way they are going right now. I know I need to step back and remember how I felt all those years just wishing for someone to send me a bone of information or just a picture. I was desperate to know more and the truth is that I never know if I will ever feel like I get enough.

What would you do? Would you continue with seeing her and not say anything about the speed dating? Or would you try to get to the bottom of why she always seem to be in a hurry. As in do I make her uncomforable? Is she feeling pressureed by family not to spend time with me?

I guess the reality of that I am tired of feeling second best. I do get that when she comes into town that majority of time will be spent with her family. I can deal with it. However, I feel like the time frame she has been willing to give is almost not worth the meeting. I hope that doesn't sound bad. I just feel like I don't come area from the experience of knowing her better and my feelings of self worth just happens to go down the drain when she is cutting our time short before I can even finish eating.

It's not about the food even though I consider going out for a treat and want the best value for my money. I just feel like she is thinking all about herself and doesn't think how the same action might make her feel bad.


Our city has a great park district that offers fun summer activities for families in the local area. I am pretty sure it's not just summer but summer is when I think of them most.
They offer plenty of programs that are low cost or free. They also do fees based on a sliding fee which is how we managed to send Alex to camp twice this summer for sleep away camp.
He went last year and just loved it so much that we knew we had to do it again. We signed him up for two weeks but if he had his way he would move in there.

Years ago, when we were going through all the therapies it would never crossed my mind to send him away for four days. He couldn't talk and that's a scary thing to think about.

My husband and I used the second week as sort of a vacation. We only cooked once while he was gone. I guess you could say we just got lazy or we forgot how the stove worked.

Stephen is a lot of work and I think we just were tired. Sometimes, when we are slacking as parents when it comes to fighting the school or fighting Stephen to do homework my excuse is that we are just tired. I been a special needs Mom for 12 years
and sometimes I just am about out of steam. However, we just keep plugging along and try to make things work out.

Stephen will be starting the 7th grade soon. I am not looking forward to the new school year. We are trying him on add medication for his scattered brain problems. Other term would be that he lacks serious focus and gonna give it a try. Even though I don't want to do it but feel like I have to do it.

At times I have felt like my kid must be so messed up cause I must not be a good enough parent. I must be doing something wrong for my kid to be acting up so badly and not learning like he should. I have even wondered am I being punished for something cause some of the stuff I have been put through is just way too much. How much bullshit can be thrown at one person?

Reunion had caused me to compare my children to Izzy and at times I get that negative thinking going and wonder what did her parents do that I didn't do? Where did I go wrong? How come my child acts up this badly?

Oh well. I love my silly kids even if they are not perfect. I really feel like we had a pretty nice summer in despite of the school fudging Stephens's grades which made him look as if he didn't need summer school. My son needs routine and summer school would have filled in about half the summer.

I hope everyone else had a great summer.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

just my thoughts

I was a little nervous at the idea of meeting my husband's father. Years ago, when my husband told me about his Dad not being around it never occurred to me that he would be sitting on my couch.

First, I was amazed at how much they look alike and how at ease I felt after just a few minutes sitting there with him. My husband and I have had many conversations about him after it was discovered his children were friends with him on facebook. I would never want to force an issue on my husband. However, I think I could relate to his father in some ways that others couldn't because of my birthmother status and reunion with my daughter. I can only imagine how I would have felt if Izzy rejected me for contact. It hasn't been perfect and sure hasn't been easy and at times walking away has felt like the right thing to do for my heart. Actually, at times I have wished I could care less so I wouldn't have to carry so much pain at only being given a small portion of Izzy's life. I will never be Mom no matter how much I wish it were true.

I had no idea what we would talk about with his father. The conversation flowed pretty easily and we looked at some pictures he brought. One picture was Dad and son when Dad was twenty. He said, something to the idea of it's kind of young to be married and with a kid. He then touched me on my shoulder and made a comment about a baby at 15. I was called out but in a fun way.

I guess before I came home my husband had showed off my pictures of Izzy and my blog. It's amazing at the changes in my husband when it comes to Izzy and this blog. He never understood my need to write or my desire to know my daughter. He thought things were just best to be left alone.

The truth is that I am not very comfortable speaking about my daughter so I was a little caught off guard with it being brought up but he did tell me a nice reunion story so it helped it took the focus off of me.

It's kind of cool that he shared my blog and my story of my daughter. I think my life as a birthmom is what made me feel more open to the idea of my husband accepting his Dad back into his life. I feel like his pain could be my pain. I hope that doesn't sound goofy. Our stories are not the same. I lost my child at birth and for reasons that might or might not make sense to others he lost his two children after a divorce.

I don't know where time will take them. No matter what the years are gone. It can't be relived. Can they ever be a traditional role of father and son? I don't think anymore so that I have a chance at living in a traditional role of mother and daughter with Izzy. Maybe, they can build on the lost years and go from there. Only time will tell.

My husband met his father after not seeing him for over 20 years. I don't know the exact time frame. Facebook brought him back into the family fold with everyone and I won't give too much of my husband's details of the meetings because one it's not my story and two I wasn't there for it.

He met his fathers's adoptive daughter too. The adopting children from from another country was/is a sore spot for my husband because his father wasn't there for him and his sister. This has nothing to do with the children themselves.

What I do want to share is when I met with Izzy and I was talking to her about the adopted daughter she went right to the sister thing. So, it's "sister" I breifly said he doesn't quite see it that way and she said it again as it's his "sister" as it's a fact.

This is something I am on the fence with because their isn't any blood relation but I know with adoption adoptees are not used to defining family by blood. I didn't go into talking further with this but I could have said something to the extent that Izzy is a sister to her brother because not only was they raised by the same parents but at the same time.

I couldn't see myseelf verbally saying that because going by the statement by sons are not her brothers but they are because of the blood connection. But blood isn't enough to give you that feeling of always knowing that you had those brothers and blood isn't going to put fake memories in to make those connections to hold them together as a family.

I am suppose to meet my husband's father tonight after work. I am kind of excited about it because at times I have felt like his children have excluded me. The ex wife was invited!! lol

I had to sit back and say it wasn't personal and the ex wife knew him and think back to my reunion with my daughter I didn't take a huge crowd of people with me but then they did. I didn't really agree that any of them should have met the father face to face without my husband and his father doing that on their own. However, he lives out of town so that creates issues with trying to do things the slow way.

Only time will tell where life will take them. I hope none of my husband's family takes offence to me writing about this stuff but when it comes to reunion it's not something I can leave alone.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Izzy is friends on facebook with a couple of my fellow adoptees that write a blog. I admit that I gave her name to be able to show off her picture and one friended her on accident and told me about it and the other one I suggested she friend her.

Well one of the bloggers posted something about an adoptee advocate thing about not not being a secret ect. I don't recall what all it said.

I noticed Izzy shared the photo and said she likes it since she is adopted herself. The thing did mention something about adoptees and how they are the only one knows what's it's like to be adopted.

I found it interesting that a few of her friends commented on there because they didn't know she was adopted. It never occured to me that most people wouldn't know that about her.

Another thing that made me go hmmm is what is it like for her being adopted? Did she post that just cause she can relate to being adopted or can she relate to a lot of the fellow adoptees. She has never really given me reason to believe that she was bothered by adoption. I always got the imrpession that to her it was just a fact. Just a way of how she came into her family.

Edit: I think the can she relate to being adopted came out wrong. Duh. She is adopted or was adopted. However, ya want to call it. I just wonder if she can relate to any of the feelings of loss of birth family? Or the seeing people and go hmmm could I be related to them? Or the feelings of feeling like she should be grateful? Or the feeling like she don't quite fit in? Or the unfairness in the OBC not being available to her? Or the feeling of the loss of her first name she was born as?

Friday, August 10, 2012

if i had a sister I would talk to her

Is what Stephen said to my husband when he expressed the need to talk to his sister but didn't want to. Stephen said he didn't have a sister. I don't know if he says that because he wasn't raised with Izzy or his step sister and doesn't see them as sister


He can't wrap his head around the sister thing. I guess it makes sense. I know I had grandmothers but I can't comphrend having a grandmother. It would be forien to me and if you gave me an old lady and said she was grandma I woud be like 'i don't have a grandma

Back to my son. He thinks different but Izzy has been in our lives fo 2 years and step sister has been in his life longer but he still says I don't have a sister.

I was in the bathroom so I don't know if I missed some parts of the conversation but my son said. How come Izzy is just a half sister. My answer is she is just a sister. No reason to name it.

My husband was the one who explained how Izzy and him have the same Mother but different fathers. I heard my son said Mom is her birthmom. I also heard my husbandto talk about how he got to have a step sister.

He explained that half is shared blood and step isn't related at all. It got me thinking how does a child born to parents that adopted fall in with sisters or brothers? The are not5 half or are they step. But they are real brothers and sisters, right?

Let's stop that line of thinking with adoption. It doesn't have to be one of those gifts that keep giving. Let's just say that they are sisters or brothers. Does the how's really matter?

I can't blame my son for forgetting he has sisters. They will never have the tradional role of being a big sister to him like Alex is a big brother to Stephen. It's just how it is.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Yesterday, I knew I would only be working an hour and half but paid for 5.25 hours because of my company's policy. However, the policy is that if they have another client they find for me that I have to take it.
I confessed to my husband that I didn't want to come home. Don't mistake this for that I wanted to stay at work. I just been overly stressed over all the drama and admitted that I didn't find it enjoyable to be home.
There is too much fighting over the upcoming money that we are about to lose. There is too much implying that all our problems are resulted from Alex living with us. There is too much off Stepehn not listening and having metldowns.

I did go home and luckily everything was pretty calmed. My idea to make Stephen walk a dog around the block for every half hour of tv seemed to work and I bet the dogs enjoyed that too.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

better friend

My best friend has been sick off and on this summer with diabetes and has involved a couple week long stays in the hospital. She doesn't always remember to call me because when your severly ill I am sure it's not easy to remember phone numbers and think about things like calling friends.

She has a really good Mom who stays by her side in the hospital each and every time. The last time she was in there I guessed cause she didn't answer the phone and went days without calling me back. I visit at the hospital but I admit that if someone is puking that I feel uncomfortable and don't like to be there.

However, I want to be a better friend to my friends. It's not that I am a bad one but I want to do more. She has a 12 year old daughter and a 16 year old son and her husband works 12 hours a day and is the only one working and doesn't take time off to take care of his family.

I always worry about the children and how they manage to eat. I know they are bigger and I know Mom has taught them some cooking skills.

I made some little goals in my head to do more for my friend's children. That could be paying them a little more attention when we do have outings that include the children. I don't think I ever realized I was doing it but I think I tended to ignore the daughters of my friends because it's been an area in my life that I was missing out on.

I am thinking of trying to make meals for my friend's children if I know she is in the hopsital. The problem could be that her kids never answer the phone for anybody so I am hoping if I make the effort to get to the children better that they will pick up my call.

One of my favorite things to do is swimming and Zumba and Monday I spent quite a few hours with my friend Rachel and her kids and her daughter is on the heavy side. I was told by her Mother that she wants to slim down before the 15th birthday cause it's the Mexican tradation to have the big party thing. I asked her if she would want to do zumba with me and she said yes. I told her what time I would pick her up.

Today, I woke up feeling ill and faked it at work cause I knew I only had to go for an hour and half. I called and left a message comfirming zumba thinking I would feel better. It's not been any better by five this evening so I called and talked to her Mom.

My poor friend's daughter was up at 6 am waiting for me to get her. I feel so rotten.

I have one more friend that I am trying to make an effort with to talk to her daughter. She is on the autism spectrum and I think she is so sweet. We were swimming at her house and I invited them to come out to the Y to do zumba sometime too. I should start getting a reward for recruiting Zumba nuts!! lol

So, that's my little goal is to make more effort to talk to my friends children and include them in some of the things that we do when us Mom's get together.

I think I am seeing that be turning children away and especially little girls that I am missing out on what good be some relationships with someone elses daughter. Not exactly Mom but it can't hurt to have one more person supporting them and watching out for them.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

This is me. 26 lbs down.

This is me about the beginning of me starting to track calories and working out more.

Monday, August 6, 2012

You might have seen a post on here that I didn't mean to put up. If your a follower of my private blog I moved it over there. Sorry about the mess up.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

My son has been working at his job for a couple weeks now. He got his first partial check pretty fast cause they pay weekly. He bought my husband a lighter so he blow thru his check pretty fast.

However, to his credit it wasn't very many hours because he started mid week.

He has already increased in hours and I am proud of him. He missed a fun day with his church because he had to work cause they added a day to him and he didn't even complain. He seems to be catching on a little more about some of our issues around here.

The job has caused some conversations between my husband and I that we don't agreee on. It's about the meals. My husband is thinking that he is working he needs to start pulling his weight more in the area of feeding himself especially if he is working during our dinner time.

We are in agreement that we don't want him to cook late at night when everyone else is in bed or soon to be. We are in agreement about how we don't want him to see dollars and start eating his meals at the various fast food places all the time.

We just are not in agreement over that missed evening meal. I don't see my grocery shopping suddenly changing from buying for four to three. Honestly, I have to buy for 5 since my grand daughter spends quite a few meal times with us.

Its my feelings that if I could for four for dinner that we save him a meal that he can eat at night or say take for lunch or the next night. I see no problem doing this unless he was to not eat the food and it was being thrown out. I am in no place to be throwing good out. Money is very tight and I just can't do that.

My husband thinking is also part on the line is Alex going to want to wait to eat dinner until 11 pm or so when he is off and shouldn't he just pack a sandwich? I don't care for boring sandwiches much so I wouldn't want to push them on him. Also, I find lunch meat to be pricey. At the store my son works at it is 6 dollars for a pound. I am glad that we have Aldi's where I can afford to buy food at lower costs.

I think we vary on feelings on this issue cause I am Mom and I can feel my stomach growl if he is hungry. I don't mean literly but what hurts my children hurts me. To this day my finger hurts when I think about Alex getting it cut off in a door as a new walker. Long story but the finger was saved.

My husband doesn't see my son as an equal and I don't blame him but he is seeing him more like a man than a child. So, he has higher expectations for my son to take care of himself. I think in some ways he is right. Saturday, Stephen went with his Dad to a water park and Alex couldn't go due to work. My husband isn't big on eating and often times if left all on his own might not eat a meal. It just really varies.

I think a night when the pressure is off putting a meal together for all of us my son should figure something out on his own to eat but shouldn't have to pay for it.

Wonder if I will be thinking the same when in the next few weeks or so my husband loses his unemployment.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Retreat and cooking

I am all signed up for the retreat for Mom's with special needs children. I am excited to get to go again. Well, anyways, the organization the puts the events together emailed me asking me for a a favorite recipe. I don't know why this is so hard but I have been holding off on doing it cause not sure which recipe I would go with.

My guess is that they are going to put a cookbook together and give it out or sell it. :)

Can anyone give me advice on what kind of recipe that you would want to see in a book.

Would you think a casserole? Or a desert? Or a bread or muffin recipe? A soup? Something cold like potato salad?


Dear Readers,

I wanted to say a little about texting. Please, keep in mind that it doesn't replace a phone call. Never assume that if you send a text that the person actually got it. I know relationships could suffer from a result of someone thinking they were ignored. This could be so much worse for someone in reunion who isn't secure in their new relationship.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Two daughters, two Mother's and one Nana

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This picture was floating around on facebook and I don't normally go sharing a lot of things like that and put it on my status.

It got me thinking about how ironic that in just a few short years compared to my long overall longing for a daughter that I ended up with two daughters.

Two daughters who both have another Mother. One daughter is biologically mine and no one can contest that since we look very much alike. One daughter is my husband's daughter so that makes her my stepdaughter.

The other Mother part has at times been a hard thing for me to get past. I felt as if since I didn't raise them that they didn't need me. I didn't know where I fit in with my stepdaughter and the reality hit me like a ton of books that the same situation went with my daughter too.

If I was super religious and believed in God and his plans for us I would wonder if this was a funny joke that I went from only being a Mom to two sons to having two daughters but I am not their Mom.

For the record, I have a stepson but I haven't ever felt any bad emotions over him. I just accepted him as he came. However, with my stepdaughter, especially before reunion, I felt like I was cheating on Izzy if I had a relationship with my stepdaughter. I know that sounds silly but it's how I felt.

I remember finding this little red headed doll and falling in love with it and I knicked named it the (insert name of step daughter) doll. I thought that the doll might sort of look how she looked as a young kid and that was around the time reality hit me that I didn't know if I could fit in with her cause she had a Mom and didn't need a second one.

Alot of time as passed and I have very different relationships with both girls. I see my step daughter quite often cause my husband babysit's our grand daughter. I am Nana to her child and I believe that with us having her daughter with us so much that has helped us be closer than we would otherwise.

We really don't hang out and stuff. I do give my step daughter gifts for birthdays and Christmas if I can afford it. I love that I have another daughter to spoil. There is just something exciting about choosing gifts for a girl and I am overjoyed that not only do I have two daughters but I have a grand daughter too. My step daughter has given gifts back and while I don't give gifts to recieve them it's nice that she takes the time to think about me. Izzy hasn't really given me any gifts besides a tshirt that she gave me that she held onto for a whole year before she remembered to give it to me. Then, there is the picture of our first dinner all alone. But mostly it's just me that gives her gifts and not the other way around.

When it comes to talking to my daughter there are times I feel guilty like it's more one sided me trying to engage her in conversation and at times I feel second best to her Mom. Izzy moved away and soon her Mom is making another trip to see them on her birthday and the last trip just a few weeks ago was the boyfriends birthday. I get to feeling if I loved her enough I would find a way to go. It doesn't matter that I am strugging with bills and how my husband is soon to lose his unemployment and how unless my ex finds a new job asap we are going to lose child support for a month or more. I feel bad that I didn't send the boyfriend a birthday gift but I can't afford to start doing that. I will feel like I always have to do it.

I struggle with am I suppose to love both daughters the same? I would be lying if I said I love them equally and I just don't want to lie about that. I wondered when I posted the picture about my daughter's does that make Izzy jealous?? When I see Izzy post stuff about her Mom it stings a little for me. Also, i feel the sting a little bit when my step daughter gets nails and feet done with her Mom. It's not that I want to take those moments and start doing that with my step daughter cause honestly I can't afford it anymore. But it stings because Izzy is no longer here for me to do those fun girl things with her if I could afford it.

I think I will wrap this up with saying that even though I am not the Mama and I have to share with them with their Mom's I am glad for the chance at reunion and the memories. I know that someday I will be able to give Izzy the scrapbook that I started before I had a clue that there would be a reunion.

I am also glad that my step daughter has accepted me in her father's and her life and seem to understand that there can't be too many Grandmother figures in her daughter's life. I don't get to spend as much time with my grand daughter as I would like but I really enjoy her.

This week she was out of bubbles and I said Nana will get you some more bubbles. She brought me my shoes. It was so cute. So, I decided that we would go get bubbles and some ice cream. We went to McDonald's and I hear Sponge Bob!!! I wouldn't stop with just ice cream. We shared an happy meal and each had our own ice cream and she got Sponge Bob. It's the little moments like that just melts my heart.

Vacation over

I have to go back to work. My time off reminds me that I am just not the type of person that can stay home without a job. I get bored and without having income coming in it just doesn't leave much money to go places. My vacation wasn't paid for so I will be pinching pennies for a couple weeks.

I don't feel like I did much but gonna do a run down of the things we did do.

Walked around the river front with my dog.

Took my sons to a water park.

We spent the day at the local pool.

I did Zumba outside in the sun on dance day.

I did Zumba a couple days inside the Y.

My son and I took a walk around the neighborhood.

I took my grand daughter out to buy bubbles and a happy meal.

I had a day out with my friend yesterday.

All in all, I did quite a bit.

12 hour shift today. I really missed one of my two clients and am looking forward to seeing her.