Thursday, September 30, 2010

I have made a life style change for myself and I am down 34 lbs. I am going to try to work something with my younger son because his favorite thing to do is watch tv and has this bottomless pit for a stomach. We were concerned and the dr things while we may need to make some changes that him gaining 10 lbs in six weeks isn't a big concern.
I won't turn this into a weight loss blog. I am just not that brave. However, since I was about 30 lbs down, I said if I get to 35 lbs then I will try to explain my run down on how I made this change.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I had to go to Walmart to buy a couple items. I just had to walk past the baby clothes to get to the fish department. Walmart, I know it's a little trick of yours to get me to buy stuff. Well, it worked. I bought a couple things for the Meld babies.
So, I put them away and I look through the bag that I have at home. I take it all out and sort through the clothes. It's 75% girls. Can you tell that I like to buy girl clothes? Well, that is okay but boys need clothes too and for some reason most of Meld's babies have been rotten boys. I mean that in a good way. lol So, I have to start thinking more about boys when I buy clothes. I can always buy my step daughter's baby girl pink clothes!!! Yea pink!!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Meld fundraising and my emotional experience tonight

For the past few weeks, I have been caring for a new born boy. He was six weeks so he must be nine weeks now. In the 3 ten week session, he is the first while child. I have blogged about race in my private blog. I don't know if my emotional feelings today came from the fact that he is the first newborn that I have seen with Meld and also the first white child. But anyways, tonight the baby was kind of fussy because she forgot his bottle. She said he already had a bottle but hoped he wouldn't be hungry. So, he was mostly awake and alert but I could tell he was kind of wanting a bottle. The best thing I could do was wrap him in his blanket and let him suck on his own hand. He was falling asleep on me and then all of a sudden, I came so close to crying. I felt like how I could really love this child. I have spent less than five hours total with him in the few weeks and I could love him as my own. Don't get scared people. I am not going to steal him. I just kind of thought is this how adoptive parents feel? Do they really fall in love that fast? Meld has really been teaching me more and more. Sometimes, it's hard to see the fact that Izzy's parents love her as much as me. In my heart, I know they do. But I can't help but feel like I want that kind of love just for me to give.

This session, I have been more friendly with the Mom's. Plus, it is the third session that some of them are seeing me for. I know the kids by their voices. I impressed one mom when I heard who daughter crying and she heard me say there comes "Ella" I feel so more confident than I did in the beginning. I also feel so blessed. I know that I am doing Meld, the moms and the babies a service but they are providing something on such a deep level.

This was the male volunteer second week and I like him. We haven't really talked but he has made a difference in the care of the older child. There is more control now. He isn't running through the room with the kid grocery cart out of control. It's teaching me to be more open minded. I didn't think male would be good.

The amount that I have raised and that includes me setting aside my five for Meld. I tried to put it into the account and I was told that I couldn't email myself money. :) So, I will keep it at home or make my husband use his bank account. The amount raised in this first week was 20.00 dollars. I don't think that's too bad for the first week. I have faith that more people will donate. Also, if anyone would like to put this request on your blog that would be really great. If anyone has any baby clothes to toddler clothes that they would like to send, I am open to giving out an address only if I can get a feel for who you are. Thanks again, for those who have donated to Meld.

Meld Fundraising

I volunteer tonight and when I get home, I am going to post how much we have collected for Meld in this first week. It's not too late to help the figure go up.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Meld Fundraising

Rockford MELD provides information, education and support for families and youth in our community.

About Us

MELD is a non-profit social service agency started in 1981. MELD is supported through donations and through federal, state and local grants including United Way, Youth Services Network, the Department of Human Services, as well as through community contributions, in-kind donations and fundraising special events. Rockford MELD, Inc. is a 501(c)(3) Tax Exempt Organization - Federal Identification Number 36-3347409

MELD Mission

Rockford MELD’s Mission is “guiding young parents to build a strong family and lead a responsible life by providing shelter, education and life skills training”. Through our programs and services MELD offers support and resources, life and job skills training, parenting information, emergency shelter and housing. MELD provides programs for young parents and their children in our community.

Download our 2009 Annual Report (pdf)

MELD Partnerships

  • Partnerships with community individuals, churches and social service agencies are fundamental to the success of MELD programs.
  • Joint programming with local agencies and schools ensure that MELD families receive comprehensive and coordinated services.
  • Area churches assist MELD by hosting the Moms and Dads Groups.
  • Local housing developers coordinate with MELD to provide affordable and safe homes for MELD families.

Rockford MELD is a non-profit social service agency that is funded by Youth Services Network, United Way , Department of Human Services, federal, state, and local grants, donations of many individuals, churches, businesses and corporate partners and fundraising events.

MELD Facts

This past year (Fiscal Year 2010):

  • MELD at Trinity House Homeless Shelter housed, fed and clothed 54 mothers and children for a total of 2,855 bed nights.

    * A total of 512 mothers and children were turned away from the MELD at Trinity House Homeless Shelter due to lack of space

  • 106 mothers and fathers received parenting education, information and support in the MELD Moms and Dads Groups.
  • The MELD Transitional Living Program provided housing for 103 mothers and children for a total of 15,175 bed nights.
  • 51 young women received and/or completed work readiness, GED/educational assistance, tutoring, vocational training and/or were employed at local businesses and agencies.
  • 119 families were prevented from becoming homeless by being provided case management and/or housed through the Rapid Re-Housing Program.
  • Over 650 individuals volunteered with programs and events for MELD.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I am going to update everyone on the balance of my fundraising on Mondays since that is the night I volunteer for them. Please consider helping out. If any one helped you in a time in need this could be your chance to pay it forward.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

response to a comment.

A comment left on my blog.

Are we forgetting the dads? Dads are almost always at a disadvantage in about all things domestic. Courts, adoptions, society in general tend to overlook the importance of the father and partner in kids upbringing. Even people that seem to know that, tend to forget. Even this letter fails to mention dads. The bias towards young dads is very real. Dads are ignored or, in some cases, actively written out of their children's lives. For example, moms looking for adoption for their child, alot of times, just say that they don't know who the dad is. Simpler that way.(Come on, we know that they are pretty sure who is the dad) And we wonder why dads don't stand up. Boys learn from their moms and others that they are not the primary caregiver. Sperm donor and paycheck. I am glad that my mom taught me that men and women are equal and share the same joys and heartbreaks and responsibilities together. Society forgets this. I have been a dad for 25 years and have felt and experienced this bias and it is very hard to overcome. Men that take care of children are treated funny and older men that take an interest in kids are initialy thought of as perverts. (Don't get me started on the old white guy talking to black children) Ah well, it is better than it used to be.

I just heard on a song that each generation blames the earlier generation for it's faults. I think that is so true. I am guessing that your not a young guy but not super old either. Back in the day, men just didn't take care of children. They worked and the Mother did all the child raising. This was of course before my time, but since I work around people 70 and up that's the stories they tell.

Now both parents have to work and I believe it's starting to shift where Dad's are expected to be taking care of the children. My first husband didn't do this much and I kind of blame myself. I let him get away with it. I think women need to stand there ground and even before the babies are born. Let them know that they will be a Dad. They will earn a paycheck and feed and change the baby. Once you let them get in the habit of letting Mom do all the child raising it's a hard habit to break.

With the fund raising, I am talking about Meld. They can house woman as young as 15 to 23 years of age. Men are not allowed to to live there. It's may not seem fair but it is the way it is. We are not talking about stable young ladies who are on vacation. We are talking about homeless and pregnant and not to say that the Dad's should step away but I personally feel that they need the support to get an education, jobs, and of course parenting classes. They are not allowed to live in the shelter long and I believe there main focus should be on making a start for themselves and their unborn child or children.

The young Dad's are getting support too. They get the parenting classes and also all the resources when it comes to education, job skills and partnering up with local business and parenting classes. I know it's the the best situation but there are homeless shelters for the men if they need it.

I know Dad's do get the rights walked on when it comes to adoption. I am a guilty party. I didn't know any better when I was young. It was easy. Not one single person question my story. It's a regret that I will probably live with forever. I know that you didn't see me mention Dad's on that post but I do think of them. I think of Izzy's biological Dad here and there. I know people don't always want to hear it but there is a connection. You can't forget or remove all feelings from someone that you brought a life into this world. I think of him often enough to wish I knew where he was so that I could personally tell him how sorry that I am. I had no right to take his daughter away from him without his having a say in the matter.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Thank you

I have already collected 15.00 for Meld between two different donations. I am so thankful for the support for Meld. I am so excited. Thanks a lot.


I have been a part of Meld for about half a year now and I love it. I really think they are doing a great thing. Young parents don't always mean bad parent=adoption. Yes, adoption can be great and best for some but for some young parents all they need is a little support that can go a long way.
Last summer, I was able to sit in and hear some of their stories on how they turned their life around. Some of these girls, most of them, have come from bad backgrounds and hopefully Meld will help them break that cycle.

I have put a donate button on my blog. My personal goal for myself is to donate 5 a week for Meld. I would like to present them with a check around the second week of Christmas. I personally know five dollars isn't much but it can add up. I am asking that you consider donating to support this organization. It could be any amount you like. No amount is too small or two big.
If you would like to learn more about Meld you can go to their website.Go here. They also have a wish list of items you can send. You can send them directly to Meld or I can probably give you an address (if it's okay with my husband)

I just want to add no pressure. If it's not something you can afford to support or want to support that is okay. I just thought I would give this a try. Making a difference a little at a time.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

failed adoption

My husband sent me this news story about a failed adoption.,0,7791802.story

I have read several adoptive parents stories about how they're adopted children were affected by drinking during the pregnancy. It seemed like the book beat up on birthmother's. However, more towards the end, it also mentioned how social drinking during pregnancy has affected other children too. They were talking about people in higher social classes that drank at dinners and social gatherings. Maybe these cases are less likely to come forward or have a harder time talking about it, because in the case of a Mother parenting a child she actually damaged must be hard. However, with a case of adoption, it probably is easier to seek help and talk about the damage done during pregnancy because they didn't cause it.

If you read the story you can see that they tried a lot of stuff and that they claim that they were not informed. I don't recall any of the stories that I read in the book where the people gave their child up because of his/her problems. In some cases, once they were better informed, they seen how maybe they could have done better with the child. I think of it as coming into their world. My youngest son was thought to have autism and couldn't speak. I didn't just expect him to start talking. It was our goal. However, we learned sign and PECS and did what we could to come to his world and learn how he functioned. Some of the signs of autism are gone but we are still dealing with a child that has developmental delays and learning disabilities. So, how do I feel about them giving their adoptive daughter up? It kind of makes me sick.

I thought when people adopt they agree to bring them into their lives as if they given birth. Isn't that what they have to agree to? So, my question to them if I could ask is if this child was born to you would you give her up?? Or if she was really sick and needed extra care.. Would you give her up? I do feel for the family. I still think it's wrong.

What are your thoughts?

I just come back and add more to my reasons on why this story makes me upset. My daughter's family better love her with all their heart, for who she is and who she may become. I would hope that they will love her through the good times and the bad times. Love her even if she is being a pain in the ass. Love her as their child forever. I would hope they wouldn't give up on her just because she is too much trouble or work. I have to believe that adoptive parents do love their adoptive children just as much as if they gave birth. If that's not true then it makes me very sad.

Monday, September 20, 2010


I just came home from volunteering with Meld. I love it. It looks as if they recruited a new volunteer and it's a man. I was being sexist and wished that they would bring me a woman. The driver has been helping out and good but sometimes I feel that children need a womans touch. I was so wrong. I think this is going to be good. We have an older child that can get out of hand and he made a difference. He actually got on the floor and kept his attention for a really long time. I could tell that they built with blocks and played with cars. He hasn't done nothing that I haven't done but he was so much better at keeping his attention. It also so easier with three people compared to two. This session we have had two little ones. So, a third person is a good thing.

I have been debating something for a while. I would like to use my blog to try to raise either funds or supplies for Meld. It's a great program and it's something that I would like to try. So, in the next few days, I will blog more about Meld's history and what they have done and what they could use.

I am going to commit to saving 5 a week for them. It's not a lot of money but it could add up. I already buy clothes here and there for them.

Meld had provided me with some healing. It gives me such great satisfaction that I have to wonder why didn't I start volunteering before. So, I do want to take it a step further and see if I could raise funds. I am thinking something like a ten week deal. See if I can get some money to them right before Christmas.
I read the most amazing book. It's called Even Now by Karen Kingsbury. If you like stories that really pull you in and make you feel the emotions of the story then read it. But I am warning you that it might make you cry. It's a story of young love that was torn about by the parents. It's has a lot of talking about faith in God and lost love and forgiveness. I won't tell you anymore because I think you should go read it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Today, has been one of those days that everything makes me want to cry. It stinks because I don't wanna cry. It doesn't get me anywhere or do anything for me.

Dear Izzy

I see that your online right now. I want to so badly to talk to you. I would tell you hi but I just talked to you online a couple days ago. I wish I knew where I stand with you. Sure, you answer my instant messages but do you answer because you want to or because you feel that you have to? You have never sent the first message. So, I don't want to push you for too much.
I am grateful for what I have right now. I know that your safe and happy. I know that your the most beautiful girl in the world. I know that your in college and working. However, I miss you. I want more. Call me selfish or whatever. I don't care. I just miss you. I love you baby girl.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I was at work tonight and I had a caregiver that had to shadow me. Basically just watch me do my job. Mostly, it's just show them what to look for in the log book and the paperwork. I don't spend too much time updating them on every detail of my client unless I am told that they will be coming back.
We got to talking about this and that and before you know it I was telling her about Meld and my part time job babysitting. I said, I have my reasons why it's what I do but I wouldn't tell my life story. She went on to tell me how she went to Meld and wished her daughter would go. Basically, she told me that her daughter placed her second baby for adoption. I quickly said, that my Mom made me and she admitted that she made her daughter. However, then she went on to say that it wasn't so much that she made her but that 9 months after the first which she was helping with there was a second baby.It's an open adoption and of course it's not been my experience. She then went on to say that she was pregnant again and giving this one to her sister. I felt kind of good and bad in a way. I felt bad that this woman doesn't know how to stop having kids until she is ready for them and how she said that they are giving this one to the sister like it was like giving someone loaf of bread.
I felt good that Meld is kind of becoming an opening for me. It can be a way to break the ice and share my story if I want to. This isn't easy for me. But I am tired of not being truthful to my life. I showed her the pictures of my daughter and she actually thinks she knows her or has at least seen her. I guess her son graduated at the same school. Maybe I do need to remember that Izzy and I do live in the same area. I hope it wouldn't cause any trouble if I showed them to the wrong people.
Last night, my Dad called me and wanted to stop over. I actually rather him come to me late in the evening than me meet in during the day for coffee. Well, anyways, he is here and he mentions how he seen my Mom at the restaurant and sat with her. They are friends even though they divorced. I told him how I seen her driving right behind me. He asked, "Did you wave" I said, "No, I don't think she knew it was me" He said, "Someone has to break the ice" I said, "Dad, I have. I gave her flowers and a card on Mother's Day and not even a Thank you and how I stopped over in July and she makes zero effort. I said, that I am done trying. I will see her once or twice a year because she is my Mother and that's it.

He came over because his wife was being a bitch and he wants to leave her. However, he said that his step son is his son. That he raised him and that wouldn't change. He then went on to say that biological don't mean crap. I felt so little. My husband kind of came to my rescue and says it does mean something. A lot of emotional connections and feelings. It was sweet of him.

Then, when we were outside. My Dad asked me have I have ever heard him say something bad about my Mom. I said, no but sometimes I wish you would. He kind of laughed and pretended to play slap me. Then, he said how he doesn't understand what my Mom has against me. He basically thinks that I am the only one with an issue with her.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


On Monday night, I started volunteering for Meld again. This is my 3rd ten week session. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. It gives me great satisfaction in knowing that I am helping young Mom's and their babies stay together. I don't have a regular helper yet. So, the driver is helping. He does pretty good for a guy.
There were six kids. One new boy was only six weeks and the other new one was a girl and I wuld guess three months. We did have a student that was volunteering for the night only and she was a big help. Six kids is a lot especially if two are newborns.
The other four kids were from the last session or two. There is this little girl. I blogged about her. Well, she stole my heart a while back. She is so freaking cute and needs to be held before she will play. I am happy to take that job.
I kind of feel like that I am the main babysitter and the others are MY helpers! So, I always get first dibs on them. Also, it's know most of their names now.
I am also babysitting for a church on Sundays and want to hear something funny? I don't get the same satisfaction from it. Maybe it's because I am getting paid. It still doesn't feel like a job. I like the kids. But it doesn't give me the warm fuzzy feelings.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What I didn't know 19 years ago

  • Didn't know the terms closed adoption, semi open or open adoption.
  • Didn't know the term home study.
  • Didn't know that there was always the chance that my daughter could have went to someone else.
  • I didn't know that when the adoption agencies provided counseling to women in places like McDonald's that it was most likely a form of controlling the situation.
  • Didn't know that 19 years later, I would still ache for my daughter.
  • Didn't know that my life would totally change.
  • Didn't know that it would be my last chance at a daughter.
  • Didn't know that I would lead a secret life.
  • Didn't know that after my daughter left the hospital and before the TPR's were signed I could have gotten her back.
  • I didn't know that people would look down on me because I am a birthmother.
  • I didn't know that I could love someone so much that it sometimes makes me wish that I could turn it off.
  • I didn't know that everyone around me would have girls but I wouldn't.
So, the next time someone tells me what you don't know can't hurt you. I am going to have to disagree.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What a difference a year makes

Is what my husband told me today about surviving another Sept 11. I won't go into major details on this blog because I do more of my blogging about my daughter in the private blog. It was a much better day than last year. I actually know that my daughter is safe and alive and I do have contact.
Like I said, I won't go into too much details, but I had a few Mike's hard lemonade and fell asleep on our new sectional couch. It's so comfy. I remember waking up for a brief moment from a deep sleep and my husband was holding my hand. How sweet is that. We have come so far. I thought he was holding my hand because it was Izzy's birthday but when I asked if he's done that before, he said yes. I don't know if I ever felt more love than that when I woke up to him holding my hand. Yesterday, he treated me like a queen. Like, he said, What a difference a year makes.
24 hours is all that I spent with my daughter. In about four hours will mark the 19 years since I dressed her in a used sleeper. They couldn't even send a new one.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dear Izzy

Happy birthday to you! You were so excited about your birthday. Your 19 now. Trust me someday, you won't want to do a count down. I was glad that I was able to send you a present or two. If I could of I would have done three or four or five. Hell, okay, I would have sent about 19 presents. I missed 19 birthdays. But presents don't make up for lost time. I suppose nothing does. Well, anyways, girl, even though, your not reading this. Happy Birthday and I love you so much.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Tomorrow is Izzy's birthday. I have had a hard week. It includes some dreams of when I was still Izzy's Mom. I was begging my Mom to let me keep her. It doesn't make it easy to go back to sleep. So, when it comes to sleep, I haven't gotten as much as I like.
I still made my trip to the Ymca three times this week. It's a lifesaver for me. I love the pool. Now that I am working again, I have to cut my workout times from two hours to about one hour to one hour and half. I try to mix it up and love how refreshing it feels to do laps. I also love sitting in the sauna. It doesn't take the place of my hot tub but it does feel good.
I am expecting tomorrow to be hard. I wish I could say that I am ok because I have contact. I am better but not okay. If you want to read about last year, you can go here. I think I have come a long way.
I have been out of counseling since the beginning of summer. I miss it. I miss having those two hours to really talk about how I was feeling. I didn't have to sugar coat it or hide my emotions. I could cry if I wanted to. Now, I have made some progress in the area that I do have a few people that I can talk to. But they don't get it but do listen. My best friend knowing it was Izzy's birthday invited me to a birthday party. I told her I didn't think it would be good for me, but I asked who it was for. It was for her two year old niece. Nope. Not a party that I can handle in September.
I did get to play a part in her birthday by sending her a present or two. It felt so good. I will be honest though. I did it for me and not so much her. I needed to have that experience. But it wasn't just me.
I treated myself to a three day weekend and I am without kids until Sunday evening. Tomorrow, my husband and I are going to try to stay busy and take a road trip. It will be good for me. The night time is what I worry about though.

Dear Todd (birthfather)

It's been a while since I wrote you last. I guess it's hard because I know that my actions helped you lose our daughter to adoption. Of course, your actions didn't help not lose her either. To this day, I don't know if we were seperated because you were running from the fact that you got your underage girl pregnant or you just were moving on and it didn't include me.

I don't recall that you even know her birthday. She was born on Sept 11 1991. I won't tell you here real name because I want to protect her privacy. I call her Izzy on here. She was born health despite the fact that I didn't go to the doctor during my pregnancy. I don't recall how much she weighed or the exact time. If I had to guess, I would say about 3 pm in the afternoon. It was a pretty easy deliverly. I only made it to the hospital with a few mintutes to spare. I have had two more kids and it's my belief that the less medical care the easier the delivery will be and safer for the baby. It's ironic that the one without prenatal care or medical help through the labor was able to go home within 24 hours. How sad. My sons both required and extended stay. I missed so much. I know that you did too. I am sorry about how I didn't tell the truth. I ams sorry that our daughter doesn't have access to your name because I forgot your last name.

I remember that day that you found me at your job. I was so scared. I could see your pain. I knew the ache in your eyes. It was in my eyes too. I know that you wanted information on her and I wouldn't give it to you. You will have to understand that I did what was best. I couldn't risk you trying to get her after she been with her parents for two years.

I will never forget how you told me that I was the second girl to give up your baby. I wonder if it was Johanna. I remember how I was jealous of her. She was your first love. You told me once that you had a special spot for her and would never forget her. Was it that you were bonded by a child? And you lost that child too? I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know where you. But I feel that I too can never forget you. You are my child's father. Your not the father that kissed and held her. Your not the father that taught her to ride a bike or helped with homework. You are not the father that was there to meet her boyfriend when she brought him home. However, you are the father that created her and that does count for something. Again, like I said, she is beautiful. I haven't met her yet but I do have some contact. I wonder where you are? Did you ever get over the loss of two children? Was it both girls or one of each? Did you go on to marry and finally get to be the Dad to children in your life?

Todd, Saturday is her birthday. She will be 19 years of age. I believe she has had a really good life. It doesn't make the pain go away but it does give me some peace to know that. I am so sorry for my part in her being adopted out. I was 15 and scared. I was taken advanage of by my Mom and the system that didn't provide me with legal advice and counseling before I signed the paperwork.

I wonder do you think of the girl we created? Is she a distant thought? Or is she on your mind a lot? Do you feel the missing peice of the puzzle in your life? Do you remember my last name at the time? Will you ever be at my door to look for our daughter through me? I am not sure if I would hug you or slap you. Your almost a figmant of my imagination. It's been forever. Well, I hope you have found some happiness.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Liz wrote me back. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who helped see me through that first year. She told me how she was at my wedding. I didn't remember that but now I think I do recall her being there. In counseling, I discussed how sometimes, my memory is shady. She thinks I blocked memories because of too much pain. Any other birthmoms feel like they lost memories or is it just naturally the way it works for all of us.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Is it just me?

Almost every book has to mention the attacks on 9/11. Is it just me? Or is every author throwing it in their for good measure? It's always bothered me that Izzy's birthday was stolen. It's been a constant reminder of her birthday months before her birthday. I know if I had raised her, a reminder of her birthday wouldn't bother me, but I didn't so it kind of makes me sad. Maybe it's in a bunch of books but most people don't think twice about it.

Dear Izzy's parents

Almost 19 years ago, you brought home a little baby girl to love. She was suppose to be mine but my family wanted otherwise. For some reason, I feel like you don't like me and wish that I would go away. I know that you love Izzy as much as I do. I know that you did what you felt was right for you and that was getting a baby. I try not to hold that against you. From what I can tell. You did a very good job raising Izzy. She is beautiful and smart. I am so proud of her. I hope you don't mind sharing her a little. I really hope that someday, we can meet again. I am not agaisnt you. We both want the same thing. We want Izzy to be loved, happy and lead a good life.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Stress overload

I don't deal well with stress. I can feel it in my shoulders,back and my energy level. Also, I can't stay focus on what is around me if hell is breaking lose. This past weekend, my oldest son was home from Saturday morning to Monday after noon and for the most part it was pure hell.
I will be the first to admit the fact that this week is the week of my daughter's birthday is playing a role in my stress. I won't go into details but we did get the chance to do something for her birthday. It will make the day easier for me but it won't stop my tears that fall on her birthday. I wish it was enough but sadly it's not. I can wait for more and accept things in Izzy's time but that doesn't make it easy.
Well, back to the boys. For those that our new to reading my blog. Shortly, after the divorce to my first husband my oldest son pushed and pushed to live with his Dad. We have had some rough moments with everyone adjusting to the newness of it all. So, going against my desires, I let my sons live in two different households. My oldest is living in a 2 bedroom mobile home and my youngest lives with me in our two bedroom home with 1/2 finished basement. My oldest has just his Dad at home and my youngest lives with me and my husband of almost three years. My oldest has a cell phone and I believe gets more material wants than needs taken care of. My youngest gets more of his needs taken care of than his wants. My oldest has seen his Dad struggle with the bills and pawn several items. My youngest has lived through our tough times without experiencing seeing us pawn anything or have our electric or gas shut off. The closest he has seen us down and out is when we were running late on the water and they shut it off. It was only off for that day. My oldest has been living a more laid back lifestyle. What I mean is less rules. For the most part he gets his Dad all to himself. But then again, when Dad has to work, he is home alone. My youngest has the stability of two parents and we have rules. My oldest appears to be an average teen with friends. My youngest has learning disabilities. There is five years apart in them.
One thing that I resent my parents the most is making me babysit my brother and sister all the time. I think they made a mistake in thinking we were old enough to handle it. One of my issues with my first husband was that he would make my oldest son change the diapers of his brother. My youngest in ten so he isn't wearing diapers anymore but I know for a fact that my oldest is being made to be responsible for his brother.

I will end this for now .I will get back to it tomorrow or the next day.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I forgot to blog about how the teacher from my high school did remember me and asked me how I was doing. I wrote her back and told her how much she meant to me and that when I do think of that first year without my daughter, I do remember her. It felt really good to tell her how I have contact with my daughter. It's came full circle. I am glad that I came across her on FB.
Every once in a while, I like to remind people that I do have the private blog that I write in when it comes to my thoughts and feelings about my contact with my daughter. If anyone is interested and especially if you are part of the triangle of adoption. Just send me your email address and as long as I can get a feel for who you are. I will send you an invite.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I went to my second Sunday of babysitting and it was much better than the first time. I was actually able to get the youngest baby to quit crying. Also, there was a little girl there. This church has almost all boys. There must be something in the water there. Well, anyways, there was this horse and she was riding it and she said all princess should have horses. Cute! I really do have a good time watching all the kids play. The girl had a brother that was almost two and that is my favorite age. So, I got to play a little one on one with him. I like to be able to teach while I play. I miss having little children and playing with them is so fun.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

One week from today is Izzy's 19th birthday. It's the first birthday that I can actually tell her Happy birthday and for that I am so happy. I am not only dreading her birthday. I am dreading it but also excited because of the contact.
I have gave myself an easy week at work. I worked tonight and I don't go back until Wednesday. Normally, I am off on Sunday and Monday but my son has to go to the dentist on Tuesday. Then, I work wed-fri and then I am off sat, sun and monday again. I have a few things that I want to do that I hope will keep me feeling too sad.
I am hoping to work on Izzy's scrapbook. I am planning on painting a doll bed that I bought from the flea market. I am thinking of going out to dinner with my husband if I am lucky to take a little road trip. Also,there is the paid babysitting job on Sundays now. I really hope I can enjoy the day more. I hope I can be content with what's been good and not relive the hours of crying from years past.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dear Izzy

It's almost your birthday once again. Only this time, I do get to play a small role in it and that makes me so excited. I am like a school girl who can't help but jumping for joy.Getting to know you through the Internet has given me so much. It has allowed me to see how beautiful you are and more importantly that you have led a great life.
I do a lot of reading here and there and I been noticing a pattern. Almost every other book just has to mention the attacks that happened on Sept 11 2001 and that happened to be your birthday. Never before did I think of your birthday with the date 9/11 but then again no one went around saying or printing 9/11 this and 9/11 that and before 9/11 and now because of 9/11. After seeing it twice this week, two different books, I cried some. I want to scream enough about 9/11. Wake me up when September leaves. Your birthdays have always been really hard on me. I have missed you so much. I have lost a child. On your birthdays, I would think of you so much and hard to believe that another year had passed since I held you last. Sometimes, I say that 19 years have gone fast and other times.. it's been so slow.
Sometimes, I can think of you and smile. i am so proud of you. Other times, I get so sad. I want to go back in time and make you all mine. All the talk about 9/11 makes me think of you when I am just doing my day to day stuff. I wish I could always think happy thoughts,but I can't. I miss what I feel should have been. I understand that you won't share my feelings. Izzy, I love you so much. You are smart, beautiful and caring. I am honored to be able to help celebrate your birthday. I know it may seem silly. But this feels like your 1st birthday to me! So, happy 1st birthday and happy 19th birthday!! Love always,

Thursday, September 2, 2010

It is my old teacher

I wrote her last night asking if she was the same Liz who was teaching in 1991 and she wrote me back yes. It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't remember me. Of course, I have a different last name. I haven't said who I am or why I was asking.

How do you say thanks to a teacher that home schooled me for six weeks when I didn't even have a home. We were staying in a hotel room. How do you say thanks to someone who came to the Dr with me for some scary tests because I had been dealing with an own known illness. How do you say thanks to someone who showed you care and compassion when you didn't have it at home? Not to say that my Mom and Dad didn't love me but they were not acting like parents. How do you say thanks to someone who listened to you crying because your daughter's family ran off and it just hit you that the promised pictures wouldn't be coming? I am not sure if there is any amount of thanks can repay her for what she did for me. When I think of that first year without my daughter. I have to take a double take. Did I really make it through that year? Some of it seems like a blur.. I think of all the cruel things. How my mother's family would yell at me for crying.. How my parents chose to pretend nothing happened and how much I missed her. To this day, I don't think I could walk through those school doors. A couple years ago, my son was starting the eight grade and had an event at the school and I just couldn't go. Normally, I can put my kids ahead of myself but that is one building that I just can't go back to. It was pure hell. But my memories always include Liz and the little things she did for me. It's kind of ironic that I think she actually rejected me. I guess I can't blame her. It's not as if I still look the same and my name is different. It's just kind of funny because rejection is on my problems in life. I have seen quite a bit of it, but this one, I think is kind of funny.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What happens if you ask someone on Fb to be friend and they reject you? Does the waiting for them to confirm just go away? It looks like the teacher rejected me. I suppose I should at least told her who I was but I didn't because I am not 100% sure it's the right person. So, I just send her a message asking if she taught there. I think it would be awesome to talk to her and let her know that I do remember all that she did. Plus, she is so much in the beginning of my story. Wouldn't it be awesome to let her know that I found Izzy after all these years?
I know I have some teachers that read this.. would you want someone to tell you how you made a difference? Also, I just think it's an amazing job and want teachers to know that they do make a difference.