Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Saturday during the retreat

Saturday was pretty busy with a day full of events for us. They had breakfast at 8 am and arts and crafts that we could do or not do. I learned that I am horrible at making jewelry. Friday night, we signed up for facials, manicures, pedicures and the massages. Also, we were able to sign up to go on the horse ranch.
My day was 10:30 for a manicure which didn't happen cause the lady was late.
11:00 am was my 30 minute massage. It was very cool but not something that I would pay money to get on my own.
1pm to 4 pm a handful of Mom's went to the horse ranch including the Mom's that I been hanging with. There was a total of 8 of of us. This was a God loving thing which I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. Two out of three of the horse people openly talked about their faith in God and praying. They happened to be Mother and Daughter. You could just feel their passion for their beliefs in God.
The first exercise was two horses came out and we were to watch them and think about how they relate to people. Basically watch their body language. I didn't quite see people in them but when the one layed on the ground and did the wiggles I did think of my dog.
The next thing is in the horse barn we had to try to get two horses over an obstacle. We couldn't talk or lead the horse or bribe it.  It didn't go too well.
The third thing was just emotionally draining for everyone. I don't think there was a dry eye in the group. We separated into groups of four Mom's and each group has one ranch person but in the middle of the two groups were the person keeping time.
We had to start with if you really knew me and talk about two minutes. I don't think any Mom got through their two minutes without crying. I felt like "the if you really knew me thing" just forced out my story about adoption and reunion and self esteem and how sometimes I feel like I am a bad Mom cause my child has special needs and Izzy is doing so well. I even made the rancher who stayed pretty quiet cry.
After that episode and talking..   we all went back in the barn and there were cones set up and one person would be blind folded and then there would be four of us to direct the person blind folded to get around the cones while guiding the horses.
My description of this horse ranch thing didn't really give it justice. It was very much centered around how horses communicate non verbally and kind of gave us insight on how children with speech problems might feel and when we couldn't talk too.
Like I mentioned.. it was very centered on God and praying and Jesus Christ. blah blah.. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but as much as I have wanted to get a strong belief in God and the power of praying I just can't get it. I haven't been to church in a while and I been thinking of going again cause whether I admit it or not my anxiety level seems higher without it but also it revolves around how much exercise I get too. Also, sometimes it just seemed like good things happened to us when I went to church.
Honestly, though, every time in my whole life when I or someone else pushed me to get more involved in church as in a class I lose interest in it all together. It seems like when people think you have the same beliefs then they are your friends and love you. Blah blah but if you stop or don't go to church then they drop you like flies.
While, I am honest, if I am in church and I am not really convinced of it all... then am I not just going through the motions of it all?
While, I am still honest about it. Some Christian songs can be uplifting but some can be down right putting yourself down. I would have to go to church and write down some of the lyrics and if I really told myself that shit everyday I would think I was nothing.
The two women I connected with was also seemed to be very strong in their beliefs of God. We really did feel like we bonded and really shared laughs, tears and just had a great time. The question is will we really stay in touch. Is having special needs child and spending a weekend together really enough to make us remain friends. They don't live near me so distance is a little bit of a an issue.

We were showered with gifts all weekend long. But I will save that for another post. 

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