Monday, October 31, 2011

A year in review

One year ago, I met my daughter for the first time. She brought her boyfriend for support and I brought my little sister for support. We shared on first meal together. Well, not the first, I did feed her when she was born but you all know what I mean. I don't remember what I ate but I do remember eating soup and spilling it on myself. Her boyfriend just looked at me and laughed and said, "well we now know where you get that from" I guess Izzy spills on herself a lot too and spilled ranch on herself. We had a really good time talking and in a lot of ways it just felt natural.
I had seen pictures of her online but never could I have prepared myself for how beautiful my daughter is and how much love that I feel for her.

Reunion doesn't cure all that goes into adoption loss. The reason I got into volunteering for MELD was because I needed something to do with my time to take my focus off my daughter. I had to accept the reunion at her pace even though I wanted to speed it up.

It took almost a whole year of communication through facebook before she was ready to meet. It's an experience beyond words that I can even put to words. It was a slow process and at times I would get discouraged and wasn't sure if I would see her again. I had to keep reminding myself at her pace and to think of her age. I be honest and admit there were some dark days where I wanted to just walk away. Some days where I wished I could stop loving her. I had days where I thought my daughter could either take or leave me. Just for the record my dark days were before meeting her and after meeting. It wasn't nothing she did or didn't do but meeting up wasn't as big as a need for her than me.

I am glad that I had support from blogging and support from a couple friends not to mention my little sister who met Izzy and came bowling with us when all my kids met at the bowling alley for the first time. Also, so glad that I have stayed with volunteering for MELD cause it gives me an outlet for feeling like I am doing something to make a difference in a young family's life.

It took almost another full year before my daughter met me without her boyfriend joining us. We never discuss if he is coming or not so it was a little surprise when we met without him. It was great though cause we went to the place he waits tables at and he was our waiter. So, it was just us two but she had the comfort of him being close by. I don't know for a fact if he came along to help her for more at ease or it's cause they are connected at the hip. It's not something we have really talked about. She has been with him for three years now and I think someday they will get married.

My daughter has seen both my sons a couple times and I wish it to be more but it's hard to get together when mostly we have to hang out having meals or doing things. I don't think we are at a point where one could just go visit at each other's house.

So far, my daughter has met my husband, step daughter and her boyfriend and their daughter. (my granddaughter) those meetings were not planned. She just happened to be here when she dropped my son off cause she took him to six flags to use his free ticket he earned. My Dad has expressed interest in meeting her and my daughter said she was willing but I don't think it's cause she wants to do it. I have made the decision not to bring anyone else into the reunion process with my daughter unless she requests it. I am okay with my daughter getting closer to her brothers, my sister (which is an aunt to her) I just don't want to do anything to scare her away and mostly I just want to concentrate on our relationship with each other.

Mostly this decision is based on only wanting to focus on getting to know each other but there is a part of me that just isn't ready to share her with people who are not comfortable admitting she exists or can't remember her name. One day, my Dad says she is his granddaughter but when he does the count he doesn't count her. Mostly, he can't remember her name. There is a part of me that understands not counting her before reunion and before her pictures are up on my wall but afterwards I just don't get it.

I made a comment on FB about the year anniversary and I admit that I worry what if it upsets Izzy for calling attention to the fact that I am her birthmom. I told link the status to her page but I did use her name. She took it well and said it was nice.

I am happy to report that we have plans soon but don't want to give the date away just in case someone in real life reads and suddenly has a health crisis or something to keep her away. That's the paranoid side of me fearing she will be taken away from me and isn't based on anything someone's did or done,

I hope if my daughter would ever to see this that she wouldn't get upset with me sharing my story. I hope it can give insight and hope to others. If I could paint a perfect reunion story I might paint it a bit different but it's not in my time. I have to let her set the pace and I can do that for her.

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