Monday, February 28, 2011


My van bit the dust. I called it my death mobile and it was scary. The decision is to trade it in. I tried to be a mini van Mom but I can't afford the gas. So, I will be buying a new car probably tomorrow.

So, in order to get to MELD, I asked for the MELD van to give me a ride. I got to ride with some of the Moms. It was cool to hear them talking about school and stuff. Also, just the pregnancy stuff that goes on with all pregnant girls.

I had three high school girls in the daycare to help because they have to do a project on volunteering in the community. It was the difference between night and day with how the children behaved. There was still some of the rough and tough boy stuff but mostly it was much lower key with playing pretend play and reading books. Normally, it's just me and the driver and as much as I like the driver. He just isn't into playing with the children. He will help if pushed come to shove but it's not the same as actually reading a book or pretending to have a picnic.

I really haven't been buying nothing for MELD lately. I have been buying things here and there for my grand daughter who spends about five days a week with us. I don't spend a lot. Just yesterday, I picked up to pairs of pj's for three dollars each. After I bought them, I felt guilty for being selfish. I buy for babygirl because I can actually see here wear the clothes and I find pleasure in that. However, I know that there are children that could use some new stuff too. Honestly, babygirl is well taken care of and probably doesn't need it as much as some of the MELD children may need stuff.

No way, am I going to stop buying babygirl stuff because I just find it so much fun. I am going to try to remember to pick things up for the MELD children too.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Going back

Yesterday, I drove to the middle school and dropped the paperwork off. School wasn't in session but the teachers were there for conferences. I didn't ask to see Liz because I imagine she was busy and honestly I think I would have really cried if I had seen her.

I will never forget the day she pulled me away from attacking my cousins boyfriend who lashed out on me on the wrong day. I had just learned that my daughter's adoption was final and they were moving. I didn't understand all what finalization meant but I knew that them moving meant that I would never see those pictures my aunt promised me. They let me sit on with Liz's class for a couple hours because I just couldn't cope with my classes.

When I got there it looked a little different but I glanced towards the hall that I believe where my locker was and Liz's classroom was at that time. I believe if I tried to walk down the hall, I wouldn't have made it without crying.

I felt a little sad because a lifetime ago, when I was there, I was still my daughter's Mom. Also, a lifetime ago, where people would ask me if I had a baby and I would say no. I remember carrying a picture of Izzy and my niece in a flap in my calculator and they would again ask and I would say, yea, I had twins! Jerks!

In someways, it felt like victory, because I did what was needed for my son and after all that heartache, I came out alive and knowing my daughter. There was a time that I didn't want to live. The first year without my daughter was the worst. It does get easier but birthmoms never forget.

It's kind of strange to think that years later after me, my daughter walked those same halls and then my son did too. The only one who won't walk those halls is my youngest son. It's a different district so it would mean that he would be living with his Dad and that's just not going to happen.

I hope Liz can help us with my son. Even if it's reassuring me that we are making the right move with middle school. I do understand that he will be tested and in math and reading be taught at grade level instead of the actual grade he is in. This is good but why did it take getting to middle school to teach at his level. I don't get it.

I hope someday to see Liz again but hopefully not at the middle school from hell. The middle school wasn't the actual hell but the hell that was within me. I am glad that I did it and we will see what can be done for my son.

I been thinking I wonder if some of my anxiety about my son going to middle school is a result of me becoming pregnant and having my daughter and her being placed for adoption during the middle school years. I don't know. It's the time that my parents just stopped being parents and left their four children on our for quite a bit of time.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I am going to get ready to take my son's IEP to the middle school where I went through most of my labor. I was too scared to go to the nurse. I have been an emotional wreck the last day or so and I imagine that having this tasks on my hands is part of it.
I am going to do it though, because I only get one chance to make it right for my son. She might tell me that they are doing it right and all but maybe that would make me feel better. Or she might have ideas of how to get more out of his education.

On an off subject of this outing that I have to do, my son had me get a book from the library and wants me to read it. I am doing it and he tells me it's so good that they will have to pry the books out of my hands.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

answering a comment

Remember that your daughter and your sons have different fathers. That could account for some of their differences school-wise. If your ex is not doing his job as a parent could you have your son return to your home to live?

Yes, my sons do have different fathers than my daughter. I haven't ever thought too deeply into that about their education but it could be part of my sons struggles. I really don't know anything about Izzy's birthfather's family history but I don't think he did either. He was adopted.

However, my ex husband had a couple aunts with mental issues. One, severe and not not as severe. He has a niece that was in special education all her life and acts years below her actual age.

We have thought of having my oldest son move back in and I believe there is a small part of him that would like to do that because he said in counseling how he thinks it was a mistake to go live with his Dad. He knows that he is losing out on things because he is living there off one income and when you only have one income you have to take hours where you can get them.

My current husband and I have talked about him moving back but we have fears. Will the child that tried to push him down the stairs because he was mad come back? We would hope things would be different because things are different. My current husband no longer drinks 24/7. He has been sober for two years in May. He has made huge changes but they have been slow.

We think that our households are ran so different that it would be a huge shock and adjustment to my sons. First, we don't really get into video games and I don't know if his Dad would let him bring them. Also, honestly, I wouldn't want video games here to influence my youngest son. I have seen how the obsession of video games takes front stage and everything else comes second. On top of that, I see how when my son is without video games he is like a fish out of water. He just don't know what to do with himself. Okay, I know that is way off my topic on why I don't know if it would work for my son to live with me again. But not really if he would bug me every hour that he is awake to entertain him.

My sons Dad drives a taxi for a living right now and most of his income is cash. We don't feel that he would be honest in what he makes and pay child support for the two kids. As of right now, neither one of us pays child support. I hate for money to be part of the reasoning but it's a fact a life. One more person to cloth and feed would add up and can we afford it without the extra help. My oldest son came over in different shoes and told me how he seen his friend had them in his locker and asked him why did he have shoes in there and the kid asked him if he wanted them. This would never fly with my little son. We can and will afford to buy shoes. I don't know if my older son does this because he needs new shoes or wants new shoes.

We have thought about how Alex moving back in could affect Stephen and it scares us. When hell was breaking lose when he lived here, I remember Stephen saying please don't fight as he went to sleep. Can you imagine sadder words? I can but those are pretty high up there on the sadder things to hear your child say as he prepared to go to bed. Stephen is in special education with an IEP. We have to work on things longer than normal for other kids and while we love Stephen it is an challenge. He is going to be entering middle school and as of right now loves school. I am afraid of the stress being too much if Alex comes back and we end up fighting all the time. I know this sounds selfish but I have one child that does what he asks and the other one that doesn't. It's a scary idea to rock the boat.

Well, this is getting long and I have more on my mind about this subject but I will get back to it in another post.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


During my education, I have had a couple teachers and a couple professionals that really made an impression on me. Teachers have a job to teach their students and are highly underpaid, but for me, I had teachers that really did more than teach. They showed more compassion and concern for my emotional well being and along with my educational needs than my parents didn't.
One of these teachers, home schooled me after I gave birth to my daughter. She would pick me up and we would go other places because I didn't have an home to work in.
After, I went back to school, she continued to be a person that watched out for me. My locker was right across from her classroom. I would say it was done on purpose but it was there before they knew that I was going through a pregnancy and adoption.
I have never been back to the school, because while I did have support the memories were just too bad for me. My oldest son ended up going to this same school and I could never face the courage to go back. I know that it wasn't good but at the time, I just didn't have it in me. It didn't hurt that this big day to invite the parents was on her birthday.

A few months ago, I found Liz on facebook and sent her a friendship request. I have been able to share with her how I have found my daughter and met her. It was a great moment to share that with her because she knew me from way back then.

I learned just from her status that she is a special education teacher. I don't recall if I knew that back then or not. Just for the record, she never taught me in a formal classroom. She was only my teacher for the six weeks until I was able to go back to school.

I have been going through some hard times with the reality of my youngest son going on to middle school and feeling lost in a system of special education.

I wrote her and doubled checked that she was in special education and she said yes and she is a advocate for special education students and how could she help me.

I gave her the background information on my son and she is asking for his IEP and other tests that the school has done. She told me to tell them that we have an advocate for him. I am so relieved. I finally have someone who can help us. Maybe, the help will just be telling me that everything is going alright and to trust that this way is working. Or maybe, she will have other suggestions.

She did tell me that in my state they can't retain a child back unless it can be proven that he or she didn't learn anything. So, as long as they learned one thing in the school year they go on. What kind of hogwash law is that?

My biggest hurdle for myself is going to be able to walk into that school and turn in the paperwork for her to look at. It's not going to be easy. I do think I am in a much better place now. I know longer dream of what my daughter looks like. I can actually get an image in my mind of her and can remember her voice. I know longer fear if she is alive or dead. I get reminder everyday that she is safe. My daughter is no longer the baby that was given up to adoption. She is a young, bright woman that has grown from that baby.

So, while it will be hard and I might cry. I know that I have to do this for my son.

For all the teachers, that read my blog. You have a really hard job but I hope you find it rewarding. Parents send their children to you to teach but you do so much more than that. You really have the ability to make a difference in a young persons life and I thank you for that.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Adoption has given me really bad self esteem as a Mother. I will admit that meeting my daughter, in some ways, have made it worse.
My oldest son who lives with his Dad has 3 credits between 9Th and 10Th grade year. He is in the middle of 10Th grade. He hasn't even pulled a D out of his hat. I am ticked. He just doesn't care. I see him holding a sign that will say will work for food or money and being a waste on society. My dog could go to school and pull better grades. She could at least pass gym and lunch and follows directions.

My little guy has struggled all his life with learning disabilities and has an IEP and we had a meeting for 6TH grade. He makes improvements but are we being too hard? Is using a calculator, and word charts giving up on him? How about the alpha smart so he can type his homework because writing his physically hard on him?

I see Izzy as being a success in school and life and I want that for my sons. How come the children that I parent struggle and she is doing great. I feel like it must be because I am a bad Mom, but I know that I am not a bad Mom. Or am I? Izzy is doing so well.

This sucks. I want the best for my children. I want the best for all children.

It makes me sad. How can my son make it in middle school? How come Alex is wasting tax payers dollars in school? My little guy tries so hard. Will he continue to try hard in middle school? Will the other kids be mean because he is different?

Am I suppose to punish Alex on the two days that he is here every other week? His Dad doesn't punish him but will two days of punishment make him improve where the rest of the time he gets to play video games and hang out with friends.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Morning conversation

My son tries to skip out on breakfast and I been working really hard at making sure that he eats this past few months. It's given me a sometime that I can have alone with him.

Today, he was asking me about our dog Ann and how much money did she cost me and where did we go get her from. He remembers choosing between two dogs. They were sisters. He said isn't it mean that they were separated? Yea. I suppose it is kinda mean but I couldn't justify paying for two labs and bringing both of them home. I thought about what if I didn't choose my dog and took her sister. Do I believe that we would be any less in love if we choose the other dog? No. I think we would of trained her and loved her just the same, but we wouldn't have the same dog.

I wonder does he get the concept that he was separated from his sister like the two dogs? That it's sad that Mom wasn't able to bring all three of her children home like I couldn't bring Ann sister home?

At the end of breakfast, I was joking and told Ann that I wanted my 300 back from her and she gave me her paw. My son thought that was funny and said what would you rather have Ann or the money. I said, Ann is better than money and we laughed at her payment of her paw.

Also, he agreed that we love Ann and she has a good family. Plus, he wants to write a letter to the breeder and see if he has any pictures of her sister. So, maybe, we will have a dog reunion.

I thought I throw a picture of Ann on this post. Isn't she beautiful?

Monday, February 14, 2011

I want to tell everyone who commented on my last post that I am giving you a big Thank you! I like that others are still finding what I am writing interesting, hoping good things for me and that others see me as a source of encouragement to other birthmoms.

I decided that I really wanted to be a person who would reach out to birthmoms because I know what it's like and I also like to watch the open adoptions grow more open and also be a reminder that I know sometimes the restrictions can hurt but please remember that today's birthmoms are blessed in such a way that I dreamed and ached for. I don't mean to discredit anyone's pain. It's just part of my story that I hope birthmoms in the open adoptions can see and find the joy in their level of the openness that they currently have.

I added a few birthmoms blogs to my blog roll. Honestly, I haven't had whole lot to say about adoption lately. I have probably said it all. I am doing pretty good in the area of adoption pain. I still have my bad moments where I crave so much more than my daughter is willing to give right now and I have to be okay with that. I am so lucky to get the chances that I have had with her and continue to hope that our relationship grows more deeply. My sons have met their sister and that is something that was just a dream and for it to actually come true is amazing and scary at the same time. I don't know what the future holds for them. All I can do is hope for the best but protect our hearts for the worst. I have to be able to see my daughter as a child of many parents and she is their daughter and has her memories with them.I can't expect the same kind of love or the same kind of attention. Someday, I hope to meet them again and hopefully they can see that I am not trying to take her from them. I just want to know our daughter that we share.

As my oldest son gets older. He is now 16 years of age. I am becoming to see how my Mother could just check out of her kids life. It's hard. You think babies and potty training is hard? Shoot, you don't know nothing. Just wait until they hit 15 and 16 and add divorce to the mix. Just joking about the divorce. Please don't add that. Do whatever it takes to keep those marriages intact. I don't mean to insult my current husband but divorce is hard. Co parenting is really hard. If you have problems with your spouse in the marriage. Divorce doesn't fix them. In reality it makes them worse. They know longer have you to take care of them. You can't not send your child to their Dad's just because he fed him corn dogs for breakfast and chicken wings for dinner. Of course you never know if the child is forgetting to tell you that they refused to eat the veggies or whatever the case maybe. However, just because I understand it more doesn't mean that it's an excuse. I know some marriages can't make it and I believe mine was one of them. Maybe, way back when we first got together if I only had been more honest with something he brought up to me things would be different. But I didn't and we made mistakes and it destroyed our marriage, love and trust.

I am still volunteering for MELD. I will admit that I am getting a little burned out on it. It's not that I don't enjoy it. I really do. It's just that I find myself with less time to do what I feel that I need or want to do.

I am babysitting for my grand daughter three days a week. I love having her around. It's fun because I can experience some of the fun moments of having a girl around. I can go shop and buy her clothes and surprise her parents with her wearing something new. I have found nothing but happiness having her with me.

I babysit for this church once a week for pay. It's normally only one child or maybe two and they always have a volunteer because it's a 2 person policy. I agree with the policy but on the times the volunteers don't show up and I have to ask someone to come sit with me with the one child, I feel like I am asking them to come babysit me. lol

I am finding myself dressing my dolls less and I don't have any desires to buy anymore anytime soon. I haven't been buying them anymore clothes. As of right now, I am satisfied with the whole drawer full of them. Just today, I had to clean them up and dress them all because they been getting dusty. I think all the three sources of children that I mention that I take care of has filled a void in my life. My counselor that I was seeing at the adoption agency once asked me if the dolls were a way for me to get something that I wasn't getting from life. I had never given it too much thought until lately they don't get dressed as much.

Speaking of counseling, I kind of miss it. I miss having that time to myself to really talk about my feelings about adoption and reunion. Someone to share my joy and pain and to tell me how that sounds normal or to tell me that I am thinking too much or someone to tell me to calm down because my thinking is distorted and not fact based.

I am still working 3 days a week as a caregiver for my job. Honestly, on most days, I don't find the enjoyment but on those rare days where I can actually feel like I helped my client cook a meal instead of doing it for her. I feel the best about it. I loved Christmas time because we did some Christmas related stuff that felt nice.

My biggest weakness in my life is probably going to have to be that we been struggling with my youngest son having a cough all winter and we need to get to the cause of it. Also, that I am finding less and less time for the YMCA and I need to figure a way to get it back into my swing of things because exercise keeps my mind a lot more clear. It also changes how I view myself. If I been working out, I think that I look great and my husband should feel lucky to have me and then if I don't get to work out.. I feel all frumpy and not at all feeling pretty.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Are you there?

A couple weeks back, a fellow blogger did a role call and I thought it was a neat idea. You can read her blog here.

So, if you would humor me. Leave me a comment and tell me what encourages you to keep reading. Also, feel free to use this chance to ask any questions that you may have about my life in general, learn more about MELD and the ways you could help or any adoption related questions that you may want to know from my story.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Want to save money

Go check out my newest blog here. I haven't tried this place yet because I just found them but it's worth checking into because who couldn't use a little extra money in their pocket.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fun night out and movie night.

I am pretty sure that my problems lately have been a case of cabin fever and then I add the health concerns for Stephen. It's just been too much. Bring on spring and hopefully my sons health will improve.
Last night, I was able to go volunteer for MELD. It was great. I took Stephen with me even though his homework wasn't done. He had been reading for what seemed like two hours and it look like he has two hours of paper homework to do. I am really getting upset. I know my child should do homework and it's important. However, there are other things that are important too. One of them is teaching him about having compassion and helping others. I feel that trait of giving to others and not thinking of yourself is just as valuable as a lesson as homework.
So, we went and there were so many kids. Some of my little babies, grew up to be crawlers. I only had one that was so tiny that you think of a newborn still. At point, I didn't know how many kids I had. But don't worry, they can't escape from the daycare. They have tried to go under the door, but they don't fit. Stephen did pretty well playing with the kids.
Also, my super hyper children are becoming less mean. They are not hitting each other anymore. They do still get too rough with the toys and I am afraid they are going to break them and I wish they would slow down because we have little crawlers. For the most part, I have seen a lot of good behavior changes. The Mom of the child that tends to get on my nerves the most said that he had been asking about me. I have been making a strong effort to pay attention, be friendly and tell him how good he is being.

Then, I got home and we got my son to bed and I was able to get a free movie from redbox. It was called case 39 and it was creepy but I loved it. Mostly, I loved the break of blogging and facebook and holding hands with my husband was sweet too. We tend to get in our own little worlds with the technology and also our new sectional gives us plenty of room to stretch out and we don't even sit near each other anymore. When we had our old couch, we had no choice to be close and all tangled up in each other if we tried to lay down.

Monday, February 7, 2011

It's snowing again! I have had enough of snow and cold weather. I haven't been blogging much about MELD because twice this month it's been canceled because of the snow and them being afraid for some of the Mom's who drive themselves. I feel so stuck inside.
I am also wondering if I need to stop volunteering and worry more about my family. It's not that I don't want to continue to help but I kind of feel that I am being stretched too thin. It's not that I don't have time to myself but I feel that the four walls are closing in on me.
I need to move. I need to get out and see people. I need to exercise. I need to drink some Mike's Lemonade and catch a buzz and not worry about being awake in the morning. I have one lonely bottle in there and that's kind of teasing me. It's not that I actually drink a lot but it's nice once a few months. I need to relieve some tension.
I hope I get to go volunteer tonight but who knows with the freaking snow coming down. I need to think Spring. If I can just get past this month then things should hopefully improve. Hopefully, we will be getting a second car soon. I can't stand sharing a car. We been doing it since the summer and I have had enough of sharing.
I was doing a lot better until I seen the snow.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

hard day

I am having an hard day. I just can't put my finger on it. I am full of anxiety. I feel like I need to do something but what I don't know. I am bored yet nothing appeals to me. I just feel weird. I been kind of mad at my husband but again I can't quite put my finger on it why I actually said that he hasn't been a good husband lately. I am glad he didn't hear me say that. I wish I could let go and feel normal again.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A book suggestion

My daughter suggested that I read the book called A journal for Jordan. It's a love story written from a women who fell in love with a man who served in the U.S. Army. They had a son together and the Father starts a journal for his son just in case he didn't make it out of the war alive. It's a story that can't be put down and will take you into the story so deeply that you might just cry. I love true stories and the ones with heartache really pull me in.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

We had a major blizzard. It's the worst that I can ever remember. I like how my son and my dogs just love this. They have been having a good time. Here is a couple pictures of all the white stuff. Our city declared us a state of emergency and most places were closed today.