Saturday, February 28, 2009
So I went through the pregnancy without any prenatal care. As a 14 year old, I didn't know how important that was. As far as I am aware she was born healthy. I know she was discharged after she was 24 hours old. The odd thing is that between my three births, she was the only one who came home, only after 24 hours. The other two had to stay a extra day or two. To leave a hospital without your baby after placing a child is enough to make you drop to the floor.
So anyways, back to the guilt. I beat myself up. I lied to my Mom and told her that I had been raped. I didn't even tell her that I was pregnant, until I was in labor. I didn't plan to say what I did, I just did it. Also, at the time, I didn't know that I would lose my child. By the time, she was born, I didn't even know how to locate the birth father and I had forgotten his last name, because it was difficult to say. So I carry guilt, because I called rape. I had just turned 15 before she was born, so he was sleeping with a 14 year old. Maybe it was a crime, but it wasn't rape.
A couple years after she was Todd seen me at my place of employment. He had heard that I placed my baby for adoption. He knew it was his child. I carry guilt, because I barely was willing to talk to him and was actually very afraid of him. I could see the pain in his eyes. I told him very little information and dumb me didn't even find out his last name. I just wanted to get away from him. It didn't help that I was about to be married to someone who didn't know the real truth either. I used to never want to see Todd again. I was angry with him. However, now I am willing to see that me not telling anyone that I was pregnant, he might not have believed me and just thought it was a plea from me so we wouldn't break up.
My biggest guilt that I live with is wondering what Izzy has been told. Did they pass on the information that I told my family? I would hate for Izzy to grow up thinking she was a product of rape. I will be honest that for many, many years, I didn't think of her as a real person who would grow. I just imagined a baby. I worry that Izzy will be very upset if she really thinks I was raped. I also carry a lot of guilt, because I can't tell her who her birth father is. I can't tell her why he didn't stay around. It has taken many years to see that there might be more to it than him just running. My family moved during my pregnancy. So there is a chance that he just didn't know where I was. I have this desire to see him again. First, I want to know his last name, so if Izzy wants to see him, she can. Second, I want answers on what the hell happened. Did he run, because he was too old for me and scared of legal action. Did he just not really know that I was pregnant? Was he just not ready to be a parent? So I guess besides knowing him for Izzy, I want closure. I am still in the same town. I no longer afraid of him. He can't destroy my marriage anymore. Because I told my new husband the whole truth. When I go places, I actually scan the crowds for him. I am looking at people close enough so if I see him. I can confront him.However, not confront him in the way of being mad at him. I want to just get his side and know how to contact him again if Izzy wants to know him. I still feel guilty, because I would not be willing to share information that I know about her. For at least right now, because she is underage. Guilt is right up there with anger it's hard to get past it.
Friday, February 27, 2009
I went ahead and risked a conversation with my sister over my issues that I have been having with my husband. She didn't see where he was coming from. She asked me if I ever received an answer from them. See if I don't bring it up, then she won't. It's okay with me, at least I can bring it up to her. She agrees with writing again, because of not getting a answer to them.
To answer Andrew's Daddies question... Yes I did meet and talk to them. I met them in the hospital. Then I seen them at the court house. Izzy's Dad made a big impression on me, because he hugged me when I was crying, because no one else did. Maybe he was hugging me out of being happy that he was gonna be a Dad, but my heart tells me different. That moment has given me hope that she has a wonderful Dad. In the hospital stay, I am about 90% sure that they promised pictures. I know they told me that she would know that she was adopted and that if she wants me to meet me she can. I am not sure I trust the statement that they would let her know me if she wants. The last time I spoke or talked to them, was when Izzy was still under 6 months old, my aunt took me to bingo and they walked right past us. It was a very weird moment.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Well one I don't want to have conversations about adoption with him. I don't think my loss and selling or donating sperm can be compared. If you donate sperm.. I don't think you would be notified that a woman is pregnant, or when the child is born. I don't think a man would sit there and fret about the child's well being and birthdays and feel a huge loss. Maybe I am wrong, but you sold the sperm right? It's not the same as watching your girlfriend stomach grow, watching the birth, holding the baby and loving them. Then to say good bye. I don't think it can be compared. Maybe it would be weird knowing you had bunches of children related by blood. But you wouldn't sit around and think of birthdays and how the child is going to start school.
He keeps saying would I have the right to the child? Could I knock on their door and speak to my child? I know the answer is no to all this in all cases whether it's adoption or selling of sperm. I don't mean any harm to men. I think adoption hurts them too. I just don't think men who donate or sell sperm is walking around carrying the feeling of loss. I just take it as his way of reminding me that I don't have any rights to my daughter and that I should just let her go. He can be such a jerk sometimes.
I will always wonder if I don't attempt this letter asking for to write even if it's not what I want to hear.
I am thinking my writing skills have improved and plan on sending a shorter letter.
I could send a few more pictures of my kids. Maybe that will appeal to talk to me for the kids sakes.
When I discuss Izzy with my kids, I want to explain that I have tried to reach out.
The last letter was in Oct. I have not called them, sat outside of their house, or attempted to locate Izzy. I have not been to her school. I am hoping they can take all that into consideration and know that I will not do something stupid.
The last time, I used a p.o. box. I could use my home address and maybe that will help them feel like I trust them.
If they respond it will help me discuss Izzy with my kids and I think it will help me feel a little less angry towards her parents.
My husband will not approve and I plan on not telling him. I am the only one who really checks the mail. I know it's wrong, but I just can't deal with listening him tell me to get over it.
I am afraid that her parents will look at contact as me not keeping my word.
I plan on keeping the fact that I sent the letter all to myself in my real life, except my friend who I already told. She didn't tell me what she thought. I didn't ask her what she thought either though.
rejection by ignoring me again will hurt even more this time.
rejection by answering me and telling me to bug off is going to hurt too.
That's all that comes to mind right now. Anyone else have any 2 cents to add that would be cool. I am going to sit on this for a couple more days, because I have to print up some pictures. However, I admit that I already wrote the letter. But I plan on revising it a little. Short and sweet. My last letter was sweet, but was four pages long.. is that where I went wrong?
Monday, February 23, 2009
A Polaroid shot, a 4 by 6 picture and a scrap book, are three items she keeps close to her heart. She became a Mother, at a young age, to a baby girl. She was only allowed to be her parent for the first day of her life. She was coerced into believing adoption was the only answer. She went on with life. However she felt like part of her died, the pain of losing a child causes emotional pain, it makes her want to curl up and never wake up again. The baby has grown from being a baby, to a young child, to a teenager and now near legal age. The Polaroid shot, the 4 by 6 picture and the scrap book help the Mother feel a connection to the child she lost.
The Polaroid shot is an item that the she has kept for many years to help her remember her baby. The Mother is in a hospital gown and looks distraught. The baby girl’s hair is dark and full. She is wrapped in a blanket that was soft as a bunny’s tail. (simile) On the bottom of the Polaroid is the name Izzy and September 12, 1991 at 2:00 pm. The Polaroid is stored in the closet hidden away. It looks aged and has smudges on it. The Polaroid of herself and her baby helps keep the memories of being Mom to the baby fresh in her mind. It reminds her of the love, attachment, and warmth that she felt for Izzy as a baby (Rhetorical device love attachment and warmth)
Just like the Polaroid, the 4 by 6 picture helps the mother feel connected to her lost
child, because she can see herself through her child’s eyes. The picture started off as a wallet size, so it is a little fuzzy. The picture is in a wooden frame in the hallway along with her other children’s pictures. The little girl has long dark hair like her Mother. She is wearing a flowered dress and her knees and legs are exposed. She appears to be a tall child. She is surrounded by trees in full summer bloom. The name Izzy is in bold print across her dress.
The scrap book is helping the mother feel connected to her lost child, because she is using the book tell the story of the Mother’s life to her girl. The scrap book is a 3 and half inch binder and is blue. There are 25 pages of memories of the Mother’s life that she has compiled. The pages are 8 inches by 11 inches. It is an assortment of white and colored pages; some of them have pictures of the Mother and other people that are important to her. A few of the pages are just a form of art to express her thoughts and some have letters written to the girl. The book is wrapped in plastic to protect it and so is each individual page. Of all the pictures in the book, not even one is of the girl. What a wonderful world I live in. When the scrap book pages get turned, it sounds very similar to the sounds of a photo album. Ironia ( Of all the pictures, in the book, not even one is of the girl. What a wonderful world I live in.
The Polaroid, the 4 by six picture and the scrap book does not hold any significance to most people, but for the Mother they are an important part of her history. They help the Mother remember the child who grew up without her. All three items enable the Mother to feel a special connection to the girl. Her biggest dream is to meet her, show her the two pictures and give her the scrapbook of memories to keep. She hopes she can tell her that she was never forgotten. Most people do not understand how she can truly love this child that she did not raise, but her answer is how can she not love her? She loved her from the start and separating the two of them did not end their connection. If anything good comes out of their separation, it might just be that it will intensify their bond, love and connection that they have for one another.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I carry a lot of anger for her adoptive parents. I admit it is not as bad since I have been visiting adoptive parents blogs, but it is still there. I think if they could get past their fears and allow themselves to write and send a letter, just maybe the anger will go away. I really need the peace of mind. So I have decided that I am going to take a week and really think about writing them. I already decided if I do write them that I am going to keep it short and simple. Maybe include a picture of two sons. After all what is the worst that can happen right? Besides selling their house and moving.. all they can do is ignore me just like they already did. Don't worry if I write it is only sugar and spice.. no anger did or would come through.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I checked the mail this past week to see if Izzy's parents had a change of heart. I don't go there very often, but this was the first time that I didn't have a ounce of hope. I have given up and accepted that they won't write, however because of the what ifs I can't totally ignore checking the mail. So when I looked into a empty box, it was not a surprise that it empty. I still don't understand how anyone who adopts a child could be so cruel to not even write one single letter back. Why couldn't they just write. Izzy is doing well and we don't want to talk to you. That would show a little more compassion than just doing nothing. I told them if they did not want to correspond with me that I wouldn't write them back. So I will keep my promise and won't write again. I do sometimes wonder is there a chance that they did not get it? I did not send it certified mail, so it would not draw attention. I did not get the letter back, so I am pretty sure they received it. I do wonder did they share with Izzy the picture of myself? Did they share with her the information that I have two boys. Or did they just throw the letter out and hope I keep my word? I wonder did they at least keep my contact information?
I have issues on my mind when it comes to my kids. How much do I tell them about Izzy? My older son knows the most, because my ex told him. Do I tell my son that I have photocopied pictures from a year book and that she lives a 1/2 mile from him? Passing that information on seems to be really mean. But what if I don't pass the information on and he meets her? Or worse off they become more than friends? Well lets not hope for that one since my son is only 14 years of age, but we all know kids have sex, before parents want them to.
Another thing going on in my life is that my client's grand daughter is in China right now adopting a boy. They already adopted a girl from China about 3 or 4 years ago. She is five now. She is a smart, cute little girl. I was not around when they adopted her, so even as a Birthmom I did not think of the process much. But with me being around my clients a lot. I am really thinking about the whole picture. The birthparents have already been apart from the boy, because he is older. I feel their pain. The little boy is living in a foster home and I just want to cry for him. Here comes these strange people who look different and they just pay all the money, do the paperwork and take him away. I just can't get the image of a strangers taking this poor child away. The couple is excited and the daughter is excited to get a brother. My client is afraid he won't sleep for two weeks, because they took the daughter back to China and he feels someone might steal her for money. So for the next two weeks and more, I will be thinking a lot about this poor child and this growing family. I am sure it's for the best, because he is living in foster homes, but the beginning is going to be so scary for him.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Both my brother and sister have asked my husband if I am mad at Mom and he said he told them the truth.
My husband gets mad at me, because he feels that my issues effect our marriage. So one day, he called my Mom up and asked her questions about the adoption. It wasn't a good conversation. I believe I already posted about that.
So I decided to try and write my Mom a letter. It came off so so mean. I wanted to make her hurt. But the good in me couldn't send it. I decided to wait a while. So about a week ago, I tried to start over. I decided to try to get my points across in a shorter letter and tone it down a bit. It still came off so mean and bitter.
I want her to know how it felt to not raise my own child. How it feels to not be trusted with pictures, and I feel like she is partly to blame, because my aunt told me, your Mom told me not to give you this picture. It was the last one I was given. It pisses me off that my Mom would speak for me when I was of age and not living with her. What gave her that fucking right?
The big question I want answered from my Mom is how does she know Izzy is in a good home? It is because they were approved to adopt? Their are good parents and bad parents and I believe both can somehow manage to have kids. So I want her to tell me how she knows she is in a good home. The only information I have heard from my aunt is that she is well off. I don't even know if she means well off.. they have a lot of money or well off that she is doing good.
My biggest reason for not sending the letter is because, I don't trust my Mom. I don't trust that she won't complain to her sister and then her sister tell her friends who adopted Izzy. I don't want them thinking I am some mean unstable person and use that a reason to not give my daughter permission to meet me after she graduates from school.
So where do I go from here? I am afraid to send the letter. I don't want to talk to her personally about how I feel. I don't want to continue with the way things are now. My Mom still hasn't bothered to call me or make a effort to see me. I don't want to go back to the way things were. That if my Mom is in my life, I make all the effort, and then I get angry, because she doesn't treat my sisters and brother the same way.
We all tend to hang out at the same restaurants so there is always the chance for seeing her when it's not planned. One time, I said hi Mom as I passed her. We sat in the booth across from her and she ignored all of us, but my sister and brother paid attention to us.
About a week ago, I was sitting with my Dad and my little sister and my Mom and guy friend walks in. They go right to a table and don't say hello. So because I want to be the better person. When it was time for me to leave. I went over and said hi and asked her how she was doing? I think she was shocked that I was talking to her. So Then I put my hand on her back and told her Thank you for allowing my sister to copy your pictures. Then I said I had to go and left for school.
I really do appreciate my Mom allowing her to bring over her life time of pictures for me. It gives me so much joy to have my childhood pictures, and even found some from when my son was a baby that I had either lost or just didn't take too many. The pictures will make my scrap book more complete, because after all the book is about me and what I love.
I really just don't know what to do. I used to be able to accept my Mom the she is, but that is when I thought she treated us the same. Maybe it's because of the guilt, but I am not the only one, My mom has done wrong by. She tried to force my older sister to have a abortion and my sister didn't talk or see her for the first couple years of my neices life. My little sister was treated so wrongly by her second husband and he went jail for it. When he was home from bail. she made my sister move out. My sister is much younger than me, and sometimes does talk about our Mom in a negative way. She has said that she was a bad Mom. But overall I see that my sister is in my Mom's life. I believe my Mom will jump through hoops at this time for her, but when I need or want something, I feel as if I am not wanted. I recall one time, I asked her if she could babysit our son and she said what time. I said.. about 2:30 to six o'clock. So she said after the time. I got a..... migraine. At this time, I think it's pretty equal to my hurt comes from. About half is from the adoption and being forced to babysit and the way I was treated after the adoption and the half is because she ignores me and my family.
Where do I go from here, I am not so sure. life sure does suck sometimes.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
One time several years ago, I quit calling to see how long my Mom would take to call me. After six months without any contact, I just gave in and called her. She didn't act one way or another. I feel as my Mom just doesn't care if she sees me or not.
I have decided not to call her or make the effort to see her. Thanksgiving and Christmas went on by without us even talking. I think word got around, because my sister and brother asked my husband if I was mad at my Mom. He told them the truth on both reasons I believe. I have ran into my Mom in the local restaurants and quite a few times I find her sitting with my younger brother and sister, again I am jealous. I want her to call and wish to see me. I used to accept my Mom the way she was, but when I started to see that the way she was is just with me, it became personal. I don't know if I really crave a strong mother daughter relationship, because I don't know if I ever had it. But I at least want her to think about me enough to call me sometimes.
There is a little more to this post, but it's getting long and time for work. I will write more later.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
We agreed we would adopt them if they could help us with a cage for them. So we go to the shelter and we just had to look to see if my sisters dog was at the pound. She was there and I felt so bad for her. I felt like it was partly my fault, because we were babysitting her dog for two weeks, and just couldn't help anymore. My sister did all she could to find her a home, but nothing worked out. My sister is young and learned a hard lesson. She was afraid that they might of put her dog to sleep. So I called my sister to let her know that her dog was put up for adoption. I just feel so bad.
It doesn't help that I already am so so sad over my car. It was my first car. I didn't drive till later in age, and it's the first car that I owned and paid for all on my own.
When we went to get the bunnies, they towed the car. Then to make matters worse we can't find the title. So they had to get the big rig with fork lift things and bring our car back out front. Not only do we not get the money for the car, but I had to see them carry my car around like a rag doll.
My new bunnies are great though. They are a older pair and one of them is really a big boy. They seemed like they were well taken care of. Now we have four bunnies. Well enough for now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
So today his son sends a text message and says I got the tickets for comedy. It's not just the two of them anymore. It's both of his kids and their boyfriends. So now that everyone is included, but me it feels a little personal. Why does both of his kids get to bring boyfriends, but the birthday person can't bring his wife?
I will have kids and most likely it would have been a challenge to go, but it bugs me a little bit that they don't even think about me, or what their Dad's wishes might be.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I am very happy today. My sister copied pictures that my Mom gave her permission. I am going to post two pictures of me and one of my daughter when she was young. It was the last one I received. I will delete the post after a few days to keep my privacy. I will be adding these and a couple others for my scrap book. these are just pictures of pictures. The one with the curly hair my Mom said to my sister that when I was that way that a lady actully told her she could put her doll on the table, and my sister said that her boss asked her why she was making copies of a doll.
I do want to say that I understand that adoptions sometimes just have to happen. I am so happy that their are people like you all that I have been reading that are interested in open adoptions. However when I read that you as the parents agree to yearly visits.. I want to scream.. Why only yearly visits? How can anyone really form a relationship with their birth parent if they only see them once a year. I am not talking to anyone in mind here, just general.
While I am happy that more people seem to be open to open adoption and blogging about it. I am sure there is just as many people who won't accept anything less than a closed adoption. Then there are the people who will say what the expectant Mom needs to hear and then close it for no good reason. How come open agreements can't be held up in court.
I also wonder about the counseling that the birth parents get. Is it from the same agency that makes so much money off from adoption? How can that be really be for the birth parent? Do they really give the expectant parents advice on parenting and adoption? How can they not push more for adoption, because that is where they make the money?
Now to one agency's credit, I have received free counseling from them and I didn't even ever place a baby through them. However I don't feel like I was encouraged to go as often as I would have liked. I never pushed it, because I know funds are limited. The money to pay for the services comes from the state, and my counselor was just laid off from work. So now I have to decide to I want to start with someone new. I am thinking of going, but checking into if she could play the middle man between my husband and myself. Also I am wondering if I was a recent birth mother would the funds still be coming from the state? Isn't that part of the fees adoptive parents pay for?
So I am sad and I call home.. This is where I had to smile.
I call and My little son answers.
Little son.. Hello may I help you?
Me. Yes I would like to order a clean basement and I will pay 5.00
day before I asked him to clean it and I will pay him.
Little son: What what. I hear static I can't hear you
Me: I repeat Can you clean up the basement for Mommy
Little son: This call is being disconnected!
Then he hung up!!! The little stinker
Monday, February 2, 2009
Several weeks later and several dollars later from spending on art supplies, photo copies, and other stuff for the book it's all coming together. I am so full of ideas, but some of the best just comes out naturally. I am getting so much pleasure out of making the book, but at the same time I wonder if it's too much. Will she want to see tons of shots of my kids? Will she care that I included pictures of my pets? I hope she will love it. I am loving making it. We might have to fight over it. I might not want to give it up. Just kidding about the fighting.
Yesterday there was a story in the newspaper. www.rrstar.com A woman in my state gave birth and placed the child for adoption. She lied about the birthfather, she claimed rape. The child spent the first 8 months with the adoptive couple, and then went to the birthmother and now back to the adoptive couple.I believe 14 months with the birth family. The fight isn't over yet. I am so sad for the little girl. I am sad for the adoptive couple, and even sad for the birthmother. My husband said she lied and caused all of this. That part is true. But at what point to people stop fighting and let the child go because it's not right to flip flop this child. Whoever loves her the most just stop fighting and let her go. I am not the person to judge them though.
It reminds me of me though. I lied to my Mom. I claimed rape. We have never never talked about sex in any way, and I was afraid to admit that I had sex. So I continued my lie and told the judge I didn't know who the father was. I honestly at the point didn't know his last name. I couldn't pronounce it, so it didn't stick to my memory. I didn't know where he was and I had moved. So in a way I felt like I really didn't know. Of course I was young. Well anyways a couple years later Todd finds me at work, and wants to talk to me. He had heard that I had a baby and gave it up. He was pissed that I gave his child away. I was the second to do it. I refused to give him any information. I felt like I was protecting Izzy from a contested adoption. I don't believe he had money to fight, and I am sure if he did he could have done it without me giving any information.
Well anyways I felt like that little girl maybe could have been my daughters fate. I wouldn't want that for her. I will be honest way back then. I wouldn't have card on how the adoptive parents felt. I thought all adoptive parents were evil and I wouldn't care if anyone was hurt. I did it to protect my child. I have grown a lot in the last few years and I now do care how adoptive parents feel. I care how every one feels. I think the families in the story should just get one big house and love the girl. Just kidding. There isn't any easy answers. Someone needs to just give up. Let the girl be. She has changed hands three times now.