Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.
I am in my 4th week of darts. We suck pretty bad. Tonight, we only won one game. However, my average is going up. It's just that we play against really good people. My dart partner told me that they guy that is going to be my partner for my blow and throw league knows me from the game room days and remembers my nick name bunnyluv.. It's so funny.. Guess I had forgotten all about that.
I do enjoy shooting darts again. It's fun to get out and have the competition.
Sorry I haven't posted any pictures of my grand baby. I promise I will try to do it soon.
I did get to see my grandbaby on Sunday. She is 8 months old now but going on 16 years of age. Her Mom says she is pretty independent and doesn't want to be carried all day.
She is a Momma's girl that is for sure. We visited for an hour and half. It was pretty cool. It was so nice to see and hold my sweet grand daughter.
I will post pictures over the weekend when I have more time. I am supposed to go again on Sunday. Ideally, I would like to go twice a month but it's possible it will be more to help my son get there to see her.
I am so excited!!! I am actually gonna see my grandbaby!!! I hope this is one of many visits and things get better with the family. I wish my grand baby wasn't from a broken family especially right from the start but what can I say?? I will try to post pictures later.
I have started my training for my 8 mile trail run and 1/2 marathon. I don't run in the winter so this is usually the time I get started.
When I set out on a run I don't always have a plan on how far I will run. It all depends on my time available to run and just how I am feeling. I ended up running 7 miles today. It's only the second time this season that I have ran. The first time was 4 miles.
I am pretty impressed that I was able to make it the 7 miles. One more mile and I will be where I need to be at for the trail run.
I know running can be rough on my joints and my body.. but I just love it so much. I love running outdoors. I am an oddball. I love the sun beating down on me. I love being around other runners and noticing them. I feel if they can do it. I can do it. I just love taking in the view. Today, I seen a lady riding her bike with a dog in the basket.
Where I run quite a bit of my view is the river. It doesn't get much better than that.
On Sunday, I will run with my girlfriend Leah. We will do the half marathon together. I am looking forward to it.
I had my first night of dart leagues in about ten years. It was pretty fun! We played 11 games.. There was cricket and some 01 games. We won 3 games out of 11. I am pretty proud of that number. It's a handicapped league but since I haven't played we didn't get any marks when I was playing. I took one game that I played by myself. It was a 01 game. My friend took another 01 game. The last game was 701 and I thru the winning dart. It's funny when we would actually win. It's like we surprised ourselves.
I am glad I decided to join. I had to rush dinner a bit and clean up the kitchen after I got home but overall darts only lasted an hour.
What I find so different is the boards and how it's a remote league. We shot against people that were not even in our own state. We could see each other on a camera on the board. That's pretty cool.
I had fun but I do think I like it the old fashioned way better where there are a room full of people battling for the wins. We get 3.00 per win so for our team we earned 9.00 back of the money we had to pay.
Today, I went to the bar and practiced shooting darts with my son and also the girl I will be playing with on Tuesday night. I didn't shoot all that well but shocked to see is that my son with very little experience can shoot pretty good. It makes me happy that there is something I can at times do with him.
The girl I am shooting with I have known a long time. I used to play on the same league with her years ago. I haven't had much contact with her until recently. I am excited to have something to do other than workout and the occasional outing with my friends. She mentioned to me that a guy who also goes way back was pretty shocked to see me and wasn't quite sure if it was me or not.
They referred to me as "bunny" I was a bit confused but then I remember the guy she was talking about raises bunnies and I was crazy about bunnies so I am sure we talked "bunnies" I am thinking my nick name in the board was "bunny" haha.. I really don't remember that but why else would they call me bunny.
Tueday, we shoot a double match so that will be about 4 hours of darts. I am looking forward to how that goes.
The dart boards are new. I am not always technical advanced but I figured out how to run the board and how to follow the game. I am pretty proud of myself on that one. I was told that these boards allow you to play others from other areas of the country but I didn't realize that some of the teams we are playing won't actually be in the room or in my state. Isn't technology just wonderful? I do wonder how does that prevent others from cheating.
Edit.. to say my friend's husband reminded her why someone would call me bunny. My nick name on the board was bunnyluv. I had a bunny named Luv! Feels like a lifetime ago.
I am pretty content with life right now. I am happy with my relationship. It's not perfect but then who's relationship really is. We been working together trying to get my house and yard in shape. It's coming along but needs more work. Today, we hired someone to do our yard work. They really did a good job.
Tomorrow, I am going to practice shooting darts for a league that starts on Tuesday. I am pretty excited about it. It's been about ten years since I gave it up. I will be in one league where I use regular hand darts and come June in another league where I use a blow gun. I am most excited about the blow gun league.
I am looking forward to getting out and having a good time. We actually will be shooting a double the first night so lots of games. Hopefully, I will get the hang of the new machines. It blows my mind how one can actually shoot darts against someone far away. I don't think that would be as fun though.
I have a couple exciting runs coming up. On July 4th, I will be meeting up with a friend to do a 8 mile trail run. I done it once before. I know my friend will leave me cause she runs faster. I am okay with that. Especially since I know what to expect this time.
On August 20th, I will run a half Marathon in Chicago with another friend. I know her from the YMCA. She ran the last few miles with me when I did the half last summer. We will drive there the night before and get a room.. run the half Marthon and then shower and come home. This is pretty cool. I want to see the world. I have never been to Chicago before. I am really looking forward to it. This friend won't leave me. We will stay together.
I haven't done much running lately though. I don't run in the winter. I just do my fitness classes. I am excited to get started. I think I will do that on Sunday.. Just get it done in the morning before I get too busy.
I may use this blog to write about my darts and running. I don't have much to say about adoption these days.
My biggest struggle with adoption is the struggle that is going on with my son and him being able to see his baby. He got to see her today and asked me if I wanted to go with him on Sunday. I told him we will see. I hate getting my hopes up and it getting canceled. I get so depressed and being told I can't see my grand baby triggers some deep sadness and I just don't wanna keep doing that. I then feel bad because it's really not about me. It's about my son and how he is being denied his rights to his child.
I am in a much better place than I was when my step daughter's baby was born. I remember just the birth and visiting her in the hospital brought up so much sadness and deep depression. I had nothing but happy thoughts when my grandbaby was born. I really hope the sitution gets better so my son can be a Dad and the baby will know she has family that loves her.
Mother's day was a huge trigger for me. It was full of reminders of what I am missing from my life.
My daughter. I get little contact on facebook but nothing much. Facebook is a blessing and a curse at the same time. I see she is doing well and I love that. She is an very interesting girl and has some fun hobbies. She is beautiful. I think she has some emotional problems based on her size. Hope someday she gets that under control for her heatlh.
The down side is that facebook relationship is only superficial. There isn't any real connections between us right now. I get to see how she sent her Mom chocolate and flowers but not even a Happy Mother's day is sent to me.
I was supposed to see my grand baby but my son was given the run around so I have yet to see her since she was about 2 months old. I learned that I wasn't going to see her when I was at my retreat. It made me so upset that I cried. I am not one to cry in front of my friends. I just want to see my grand baby. I don't like that my son is being kept from his daughter.
Lastly, I just don't have much of a relationship with my Mom. Most of the time if I don't call her I don't hear from her. It seemed like things got better for a while but back to the same old thing. I am not sure if it's me or her.
So over all. It was a very emotionally triggering couple days for me. I can only be strong for so long. I am glad the holiday and all the commercials are done with.. See ya later Mother's day.
I did some thinking about my retreat. I feel a bit like a scam artist when it comes to going to a retreat for special needs mom's. My son is doing pretty good. I think the retreat is becoming more as a weekend that is free to low cost so I can hang out with my friends that I met at the retreat..
Maybe that's cause we have connections outside of the retreat and I no longer feel like kind of need. However, the retreat for birthmom's met a need that I just can't get in my local area. I don't know any other birthmom's in real life. I can't sit and talk about things that they understand. I hope to make it next year.
The pictures below show me on my way out to a retreat. I tried to do a quick blog post from my phone while I was away but the text didn't show up.
What I wrote is how I am loving my new found independence of being able to get a rental car and take myself out on a trip. I don't need a man to drive me. It's nice to have the company of a guy sometimes but it doesn't make or break my trip as far as me leaving town.
I went to Galena Illinois for a retreat for Mom's with special needs children. I had a really nice time but it's always nice to get back home.
Now from an birthmother's perspective they always tend to give props to all kinds of Mom's... Mom's, foster mom's, adoptive Mom's, step Mom's.. notice birthmother's don't get the props.. Now I know they are talking about the day to day hardships that Mom's go thru so I guess it's only natural to skip out on birthmom's..
But... but... come on... how can you mention adoptive parents or foster parents and not mention birthmother's?? I know. We took the easy way out. We don't wipe their butts or noses or get up in the middle of night.
Why should birthmom's be mentioned. We choose life! Birthmom's choose to continue a pregnancy knowing they couldn't raise their child. Maybe, it's not as big as a deal as being "mom" everyday but without the birthmom's choose life.. there would be no child to wipe noses, kiss good night, wake up in the middle night. So no birthmom choosing life.. no child to be needing to be taken care of.. but who cares right? It's just nine months and giving life.. no big deal.
I don't care much for birthmother's day. I never heard of it until I got into blogging. I have never had anyone outside of blogging say anything about it.. except at the retreat. I read that it was created to give birthmom's their own special day to celebrate. I personally don't feel like being a birthmom for me is a reason to celebrate. I have never been proud of it. I know some birthmom's may take offense to how I feel. But I didn't choose adoption. It was forced on me. I can't say one way or another if I would have led to choosing adoption if I had been giving my chances to explore my options.
I was asked to join a dart league besides the league I already signed up for. I don't know why I struggled so badly with the decision to do it or not. I used to shoot darts with my first husband and enjoyed it. I got out of darts shortly after our divorce. Darts was more his thing but I do miss the competition.
I had a hard time deciding to commit to the hand darts because it would mean for a few weeks I would be playing twice weekly. I get to thinking about the money. If I feel like I have to struggle to have the dart money then I know darts won't be fun for me. I am really excited about blow gun. I wasn't feeling the excitement of hand darts.. I did feel a little pressure to join but the longer the day went on the more I kept thinking about playing.
Time is a big issue for me. I work full time. I strive to workout 4 to 5 times a week. Sometimes, that is fitting in 45 minutes of a class before work. I do majority of the cooking because home cooked meals is important to me. I don't want to get lazy and not have time to cook.
Lastly but not least at all.. my concern is my youngest son. Now that I work full time and I don't always have someone home with him he spends some evenings on his own. He has been doing a pretty good job but I feel bad. I don't like him having to eat alone or eating frozen dinners. Some nights more than not.. I have leftovers that he can heat up. So if I play darts twice a week that is twice a week I am either away from him or bringing him with me. Then, it's not really the same as a "night out" If I have to wear my "mom" hat. I already have a lot of guilt over not always being there or having the free time or cash to do things with him.
I feel guilty about the money. I don't know why but when I spend money these days I feel bad about it. No one has ever made me feel this way. Most of the stuff I am feeling bad about isn't stuff I really need but want. Nothing really majorly expensive. I just recently bought a hand dryer for painting my finger nails.
My biggest reason for committing to this league is because I really need to get out there and be around other people. I have my couple friends but I don't know why but mostly when woman get together we go eat. It's not totally a bad thing because people got to eat. I just am looking forward to being around other adults competing.
A handful of these people is part of the old crowd from when I was shooting darts before. I think there is a part of me that is nervous stepping back into the game. I imagine some nights I will have to go by myself and fear not fitting in. I have never been one to have many friends. I don't want to sit there feeling like I am not part of the crowd.
I missed the annual birthmom's retreat. I really wanted to go again. It was just an amazing experience. I had never been in a place with other birthmom's not to mention tons of them.. It was a really emotional experience for me. I just hadn't had the chance to really share my story in person with other women who have lived simliar life experiences as mine.
I thought I would repost my experience from the retreat. I hope to get to go next year. It just wasn't possible this year. Go here
I am taking a trip for a retreat for Mom's with special needs children. This will be a nice time too.
Sometimes, it's fun to give my readers a chance to ask me questions and I will answer them. Please feel free to ask questions adoption or not. I will answer them to the best of my ability. Just leave a comment.