Dear sweet daughter

We have been in reunion for almost two years now and I wonder if you would be upset with me for writing in this blog. Or upset that I never have told you about it.

If you should ever come across it and think your my daughter in this story try your best to understand things from my side of it.

I started this blog years ago as a form of therapy. I don't even recall how long ago I started it. It's the second one of it's kind because it was told to me that my oldest sister had found my blog and even though I love her I didn't want her reading my raw emotions over losing you to adoption.

I know that might sound funny but we share the same Mother and I didn't want to risk upsetting her. I know she has had her issues with our Mom to over being a teen Mom but she kept raised her daughter against our Mom's wishes so not saying she forgot our Mom's actions but it's probably not thought of often.

The reason why I say I used writing in this blog as a form of therapy is due to how society and people in general speak and voice their opinions about birthmother's. Sometimes, the comments and suggestions come from the heart other times it feels like judgement.

It wasn't easy to speak about adoption and my dark feelings of missing you and worried if your safe and happy and the majority of people who haven't walked in my shoes just don't get it. We hear things like the following. Move on. You will have more children. It was for the best. I could mention more but I won't.

Writing has been a safe spot to express my feelings and it's a lot easier to explore what's on my heart if I can write it and not look into someones eyes. It's a spot where I feel very little fear of judgment from other people.

Pretty girl, if your reading this then you found my blog and maybe you would want to ask me while after two years in reunion that I still write here and why haven't I told you about this.

1. I still write because I have been doing it for so long and I enjoy it.
2. Reunion didn't fix everything in my heart so I find it's still a safe spot to talk about adoption and reunion. I never use your real name.
3. I still write beause blogging has given me a lot of insight from adoption. I have found comfort that there are a lot of birthmothers that have lived the same kind of experiences and knowing that I am not alone has comforted me. I have made connections with adoptive parents and soon to be adoptive parents. I have learned from them and honestly it's softened my heart. I see the hurdles that they have to go thru to become parents and I have watched them blog about their children and their relationships with their children's birthparents. It has helped me understand that most likely your parents just went with the times. Last but not least, I have made connections with a few adoptees that blog and they have given me the most insight on what it's like to be an adopted child. When I haven't been feeling happy with how slow reunion was going they have been my rock to bring me back down on your level of feelings of reunion.
4. I don't just write about adoption and reunion. I write about my job from time to time. I write about my relationship with my husband. I write about the challenges of raising two sons which one is special needs.

I think that about sums the reasons I contine to write on this blog.

Why haven't I told you about this blog?

It's simple. If I knew you were reading my every thought that I wrote on here about you or adoption loss or anything in general it would change how I write. I wouldn't feel free to process through my feelings and try to move on. Writing makes me feel better. It doesn't always solve the issue at hand but at times my readers have given me insight or encouragement to let things move on at your speed and not to rush things. They have been able to see things from a different perspective because it's not their life.

My only other reason of not sharing this blog with you is that these are my issues not yours. Yes, this is part of your story but I write it my my side of things and there is tons of writings on here before I even had contact with you.

I wouldn't want my heavy load of adoption loss be put on you in this way. It's not that I won't share my experiences and I have slowly been doing that for you in the private blog. I want to write it in a way that is written just for you and not the whole world to see. It's just that these dark emotions are mine to carry not yours.

You are not responsbile for what I have been through. You are my baby that was placed for adoption mostly by force and grew up into a beautiful young girl. It looks like you have had a great up bringing and very loved by your parents. It's not yours to carry on your shoulders and I don't want everything that has been written on here to be dumped on you.

If you find this blog and thing your the daughter I would like to ask you to give yourself a week to decide if this is something you really want to read post after post. I can imagine if one set off to read it like a book it could be boring and come off like a broken record.

If you insist on reading this blog then try your best to not take anything written about your parents personal. At times, I wrote through tears of a broken heart. Tears falling due to rejection from them. Tears falling because I didn't feel like they had any compassion or respect during the times I wrote them and they sent nothing back. They may have had valid reasons but it was a very hard time on me.

If you do read it from front to back. I hope you can understand that it's been a life saver to me to have someone where to come and be free of judgment and it's been a place that has allowed me to grow as a person.

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