Sunday, November 20, 2011

regret

Last week, somehow my oldest son and I spoke for a minute or so on regret. I don't remember how or why but I said something about regret. He assumed that his Dad would be my biggest regret. I kind of giggled cause I knew I knew what he was thinking without him actually saying it. I said, "no, I can't regret your Dad cause I have you and your brother. He then said, "someone older" I knew he meant Izzy's birthfather even though we haven't talked about him. I know he overheard me talking once. I said, "no"

I really didn't want to talk about my biggest regret. It would be the adoption of my daughter. Yes. It's still my biggest regret even though we met and she has had a good life. I regret that I am not her Mom. I regret that she isn't my daughter in the same way my sons are my sons. I regret that Stephen doesn't count her as his sister. I don't think he means to diss her but just forgets and hasn't had the sister/brother relationship. They have seen each other three times. A real brother and sister can't tell you how many times they have seen each other. They are brother and sister it's just not the same.

4 comments:

Karen said...

I totally get what you're saying. My biggest regret was that I allowed my son's birthfather to drive me to an abortion clinic 2 years before my son was born. I was so happy to be pregnant, but I let him influence my better judgement, in hopes that we would stay together and get married. We did get married, only for him to leave me when I was pregnant with my son. He would have had a sister or brother that he is biologically related to. I guilted myself over that day (and the thoughts of what I did to my unborn child, for a long, long time. If I could take back one day in my life, it would be THAT day, at that very moment that I walked into that clinic.
I still imagine that my child is whole, and in heaven. I do not guilt myself over it any longer, but I do grieve about losing it. I don't think that will ever stop....and it's not really a loss that many people can understand because most people will either NEVER be influenced to do it, or will never regret doing it. It's definitely a loss that I grieve alone over.

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks for sharing that with me. It's such a sad story but needs to be told cause abortion isn't always going to be the right answer to a pregnancy that wasn't planned for. I think men pressure their girlfriends to do that to get out of the responsibility of a child. Also, from what I understand about men the babies are never really real to them until after the baby is born.

I am glad that your over the guilt cause beating yourself up won't bring that baby back to life. I can't speak for myself but I imagine if those who have went through with an abortion were to speak of the pain that others might tell them that they brought it on to themselves. I haven't heard that line myself cause I don't talk out in the open about adoption in real life on any kind of deep level. Please, don't let any rude comments get to you if you do share this with other people. I have been working on the guilt part myself and slowly I don't feel so bad about myself but mostly I think that she got good parents was a luck of draw and it wasn't anything I did or didn't do.

wsbirthmom said...

Man oh man how I wish I couldn't relate to this post. 8 mos. In, and I can just tell, this isn't going to get any easier...

Karen said...

The thought that I put this on myself is my own thought. I dont know of anyone who has said it to me, but it feels that way. The hardest part is that I dont have the happy ending of "she's with a loving family now" or even the imaginary ending...I know the ending, and it was of my own doing. I think the hardest part is that I dont have closure, even if it were imaginary. The best I can do is imagine that it's in heaven because it never lived to do anything negative.
Thanks for your thoughts and openness though. I appreciate it.