Friday, June 26, 2009

Dear Izzy

This weekend will be our third year living in our own house. Buying a house was a huge thing for me. When I was growing up until about the 4Th grade my parents owned our house. Then, they lost it for some reason. My Mom moved us around a lot and it was really bad. It was a time before parents had any kind of say of what school the kids went to. So, every time we moved, I had to change schools. It was hard on me.
I noticed that I was doing the same thing to my kids. We moved around. It wasn't like my Mom, but we still didn't have any place to really be satisfied with staying at for more than a few years. At our last apartment we were breaking the rules by owning too many animals. When we found our house and were waiting for it to close I was a nervous wreck. Our house couldn't be more perfect for our animals. It could use a extra bedroom, but I am not complaining. I just love our house and our neighborhood.It's the kind of neighborhood where the children are free to play. Most of the parents welcome the children in their yards and feed them treats and such. It's full of more girls than boys and that sometimes gets Stephen upset, because girls can be moody. I tell him someday he will love all the girls, but he says otherwise.
We are thinking of pulling up the carpet in the living room and putting some flooring down. We normally are not the type who can do things on our own. Today, I decided to try to get a peek of what is under the carpet in the bedrooms. It looks liked a hard wood floor so I just kept pulling it up. Now instead of a project in the future, it's something I got to do now, because there is a huge space where I ripped up the carpet. Stephen helped a little pulling it up. Its not everyday that a boy gets to destroy something. I am pretty excited. I love hard wood floors. I wonder why they would hide it under carpet. I hope this doesn't back fire on me and be a huge hole or really bad wood in there. Only time will tell. At least it's our house and no landlord can get mad. Maybe I will become a expert at home improvements and make our house feel even more like us. Izzy, I hope all your dreams come true. I hope we meet again.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Since we started going to marriage counseling from a church and trying to take him seriosly even though the Pastor hasn't been available to us, because God has him doing other things. I am not a religious person and I admit a big part of trying counseling through the church was because we don't have to pay.
I have been to a few church services to check it out and see if I need to re think my life and such. Sometimes, I think I think about me way too much. The pastor was saying that God has our birth and life and death planned out before we are even born. I don't really feel like giving God that much credit. It's not that my life has been always wonderful and I don't want to credit him for the good. It's that I have experienced a lot of pain as a birth mom. Losing my daughter to adoption has been just the worst that most people can experience.Just when I think that I am feeling better something snaps me back to the pain. This is where I just can't believe that God has this book of someone life. How can God decide that my fate as a birth Mom. What kind of mean trick was he playing? Or how can God decide to not allow others to have children? Is that some mean joke take someone's child to give them to another? Or how about childhood disease or worse people who harm kids? Did God plan their deaths?
I am not going to say that I don't believe in him. I do however believe that our lives are based more on our action or science that we can't understand. I can't believe God is so good if he is choosing these heart aches that I mentioned. Well that's just my 2 cents for the day.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

advice please

I am working as a live in caregiver for a company and I take care of a 98 year old couple. I am debating quitting and moving on to a more paying job but will be sad to not have the rewarding job. The reasons I want to quit are to make more money for my family. My husband hours are never real stable. As soon as I think it's going good with his job he gets a few extra days off. Also, I am tired of going to work for 24 hours at a time. I do this three times a week. Where I believe I can get in will pay me more money, because I could take the less appealing hours, but it would mean that I am home for my son. I don't know what to do.
I have been with my clients for two years. I wanted to stay with them until they pass away. But the problem is that we expect the man to go first and then it's up to her family what happens to her. In a matter of a few days, I could be without a client. That will mean no paycheck. I can't afford for that to happen, but it seems so cruel to back out now, because I am fearful of their death. don't get me wrong. I love them and I will be very upset about their passing. Also, pretty freaked out about finding one of them dead. I feel bad for them, because caregivers willing to work 24 hours are hard to come by.
I am so stuck in the middle. Do I do right by them and risk my income. Or do I move on while I still can. I am tired of working the 24 hours, but also upset that I can't count on my husband to do his share. It's freaking damn near 100 degrees are air is broke and I can't afford to even buy a couple fans. I am not the type to get one for myself and not my son. With this job during the long training, I will make less money and there is a chance that the training hours will intervere with my husband's hours when he gets them.
What would you all do if you were in my shoes. Stay with the couple or try for the new job?

Monday, June 22, 2009

How do you forgive and move on

When someone has hurt you to the core how do you forgive and move on?
A while back, my husband was trying to convince his daughter to get pregnant and have him a grand child. What he wasn't telling her was that he was so sure he could get her to give us the baby. Not as in a real adoption, but we would just take over and raise it as our own. We fought so much. I was hurt that he would even think that his own daughter should hand off her own child to him. That he wanted a baby created to just give him/her away. I was pissed! Did he think that placing children in other peoples arms was just that simple. That you wake up one day and say. Gee I think I will make someone else a parent today. I guess by careless sex that some are making that decision after the fact, but never is the reason to get pregnant to make someone else a parents.
She did manage to get pregnant but lost the baby due to it planting into the tube. My husband swore she had just lost our baby. I will admit that a month or so after that, I did tell her what her Dad was saying about us raising a baby. She told him if she ever had a baby that she and the Dad would raise it. I know that was wrong to involve her, but I just couldn't take anymore.
Fast forward to now. She is pregnant again. He is excited. He hasn't said anything about us raising the baby, but does wish to be able to see her/him often.
This is where the forgiving and move on comes into play. I can't help but feel all those things he said in the past. I do I let go of the hurt. It's not as if he ever admitted that he was saying some crazy stuff. I want to be happy for her but I feel too much of my own hurt.
Also, there is the fact that she isn't my daughter. She is my step daughter, but I didn't raise her. We really don't have much of a relationship. My husband is saying that I am going to be a step grandma and not to worry that I will be a real grandma some day. He said maybe in 10 years. That would place my son at his daughter's age. I said you never know maybe sooner. Izzy is almost 18 years old. Now, that won't make me a real grandma either. I am barely over 30 so I don't need to be a grandma at all. I guess it's all these birth Mom issues that just make me seem overly sad.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

After my son met Izzy's brother, I got to thinking about if I should show my son the pictures that I found in the school's year book. One of my biggest reasons for not showing him was the chance that she didn't know if she was adopted or not. I figure since I am 100% sure she must know that why not show him. Afterall, I have sent pictures of my sons and the two boys met. So, I showed him the pictures. He didn't have too much to say. He did comment that her appearance has changed from picture to picture and that she looks tall. I feel better about being more out in the open with what little I do know. Also, he said Thanks for showing them to me.
My biggest concern over my kids and Izzy is wondering what kind of relationship will they have if any. I would hope that they all have a interest in each other, but I can't let the sister/brother relationship effect how our relationship can be. So, in other words if one child doesn't want to know the other it doesn't mean I am going let that bother me too much.

Friday, June 19, 2009

adoption all over

Yesterday, was one of those days that adoption seemed everywhere. When I say that I mean little and big reminders of Izzy and her adoption.

  • Newspapers ads for adoption bug me! I do understand that it's thier right to place them there. However, never should couples promise financial secuity for the child. Unless you have millions somewhere you just don't know.
  • I called my office to tell them something and a girl named Izzy answers the phone. It just bugs me. I wanted to run up there and see if by odd chance she got a job there. I was working so that was out of the question.
  • I was looking for a number for a airport that gives free airplane rides once a year and going down the page of business. I spot two business sporting the last name of my daughter. Damn! it bugs me. It makes me want to go there to see if they own them. One of them is right up the alley of what my aunt and Mom are into so it could be and the other one who knows. It's not that I am crazy and just want to follow them around. I would just love to know with what kind of interest was my daughter raised with. Even though, it bugs me. I understand that it would''t be right to go check it out.
  • Lastly, when I went to bed, at work, (seems weird to say haha) I was flipping through the tv stations and this show Mom at 16 was on. I guess it's a series. The young girl had a baby an was living at home with Mom and getting some help from Mom, but mostly was learning how tired you get to be a Mom. I think it did a good job not glamorizing having a baby young. I think it's great that shows like that our out there for teens to see. Would it make them stop having sex or be more careful I don't know. I can't help from thinking of my daughter and the what if's if my Mom have been more supportive to me.
  • I guess the best part of all this stuff is that while it does get me thinking about adoptiona and Izzy it's not making me too upset.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thank you

I wanted to extend a big warm thank you hug to all my readers. When I first started writing my story about adoption it was just a way to express my feelings. While that is still my reason, but all of you have given me other reasons to write.
Two years ago, when my feelings about my daughter surfaced again real strongly did I imagined that I would befriend adoptive parents and soon to be adoptive parents. I was still at a place where I thought really bad things about you all. I am sorry. From reading all of your blogs I have come to think of adoptive parents so different. While I still really feel for the birth parents, I am able to get a little insight from you. Also, the love you have for your children as given me some peace. I can say that I never honestly believed that Izzy's parents could love her as much as I do. Now, I see that yes they must love her as much as I do. If there lack of respect for me is because of their love for our daughter then I can accept that is just the way it is for now. It doesn't mean that I have to like it.
When business takes me in the general area of where Izzy lives I get this feeling about my whole body. I am not talking about going past their house, but just something as simple as crossing their road. I have to take a deep breath, because I almost feel like the air being taken from me. I will admit that there is a part of me that wishes I could hang out in the local fast food joints just seeing if maybe Izzy works or maybe just visiting one. I do know that is wrong so I just keep going. Opps I went off the topic I was trying to get across.
I keep writing because I hear how my story reminds all of you about the effects of a closed adoption. If my story keeps one adoptive parent to work harder on their open adoptions then my writing as been worth it.
Thanks again for everyone that is following my story.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Dear Izzy

I heard from my son that he met your brother. Wow! What a small world we live in. I was happy to know that not only did your parents honor my wish for your first name, but your middle name as well. Your name was about all that I could give you when you were born so it's just awesome that they didn't change it. I hope your parents were not upset for him talking about your story. It gives me a little peace just believing that adoption isn't a sore subject in your house. I wonder were you told of the accidental meeting.
I really do love and miss you. Some people don't understand how I can love you. In all reality, I don't know you. All I can say is that you are my daughter how can I not love you. I believe you resemble me quite a bit and I really like that. It gives me hope that I can pick out my own daughter in a crowd. It doesn't sit to well with me wondering if I could possibly look into a girl's eyes and not know she was mine. I know I didn't raise you, but I still think of you as my daughter.
Love always,

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I see that everyone was talking about open adoption and I don't have much to add, but something did come to me that might help.
When my baby was still a very young baby the parents gave my aunt a picture to give to me. It was a inch by a inch. It was the worst insult they could have given me. The reason why it was so small, because thats all they had left after giving pictures to the family. I remember thinking, Wow!! I trust them with my own child and this is how they treat me. I was at the bottom of the list when they thought of me. When you are giving pictures to the birth parents don't put them at the bottom. Don't give them all the leftovers. I wanted to feel that at least that they cared about me and had respect for me.

I have something else on my mind. I have been a caregiver for 2 1/2 years. For the last two, I have been working as a live in caregiver. I spend 24 hours at their place and then 24 home until Friday and Saturday come and I get two off in a row. I have to work a double because someone went on vacation. I am just beat. I am so so tired of being stuck in their home for 24 hours at a time. I get plenty of sleep on most nights so that's not the problem. I am just tired of being away from my family. Also, on my days off, I feel like I am trying to make up for the days that I lost. My clients are 98 years old and I want to hang around until they pass away. I don't know if I can do it. There is a big chance that I can go work for a cell phone company and make more money and be home more. However, I just love taking care of people, but the money just isn't there. These live in's are the only way to make enough money and even that is like working 72 hours for a 45 hour pay check. I don't know to stay or go. I think this world is too confused. I think people who are in professions like mine should be paid so much more. For example teachers should be paid more. I seen one of my sons teachers from two years ago, working at the grocery store for the summer. He should make enough to hang out. But who knows maybe he likes to get out.

Well, I am going to go walk my dog before I come a prisoner in my clients home. However, we are celebrating his 98th birthday.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Sometimes the hardest part of asking help is just making that first step to ask. It's been a while since I went to the adoption counsler at the adoption agency. I admit that I feel guilty like I am taking them away from the birth parents who just recently became birth parents. This isn't something I pay for and it comes from the grants from the state. I do wonder does the state pay for the women who placed their child through them for adoption.
Today, I decided to call. I am not super depressed but I have a bad need to talk to someone face to face about what's on my mind. I do have a couple people, but I always wonder do they really want to hear it. I say that because they never ask questions or bring up adoption first. I am not going for another couple weeks, because of our conflicting obligations. I think I will try to set up monthly appointments so that I can be on the safe side and have counseling as a option just in case something bad happens because of this past week.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I don't have a lot of time, because I have to leave for work. However, I want to take a minute and tell all adoptive parents and the ones in waiting that I am sorry if I ever come off as too harsh or rude. I really don't mean too. I don't want to get into a battle of who's pain is more severe, because I don't really want to under estimate any ones pain in the world of adoption.
I know couples who want to adopt have to jump through hoops to get approved and end up paying tons of money that people who can just get pregnant and carry kids to term doesn't have to do. I believe that some of what you all probably have to do is just plain crazy and other things we all should have to do.
Adoptive parents please remember that most of you probably agree that once your child is placed in your arms your pain just disappears makes it all worth wild. I only can say that from reading your blogs. But I am sure there are others who still feel the pain. Also, please remember that the children's birth parents aren't being given a fair hand in life either. Life just isn't fair.
Yes, I had my daughter young. Could I have been her Mom. Yes. If my family would have helped me out I could have made it work. I was a Mom to my oldest son three years later and guess what I was still needing family help. I got the help and didn't even have to ask for it. I don't think three years makes much of a difference and I have to live the life time without my daughter even though I am perfectly able to support her now. My pain from my loss is still very real. My daughter lives less than a 1/2 mile from my ex husband and I can't just call her up to take her for dinner. Nope.. life is not fair.

I want to end this on a good note. With my son meeting Izzy's brother, I have learned two things. She must know she is adopted if her brother talks about it, and maybe adoption isn't a dirty word to them. Yea!!!! Also, her parents did honor my wishes and kept her full name at birth (with exception to last name) A big Thank You to Izzy's parents!!!! Now go hug "our girl" because I can't.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


I wanted to wait until I spoke with my son before I posted any details. At my husband's advice, I waited for my son to bring it up. It's the story. It's the final day of school,on the bus ride homem there is this boy. (who I will just call boy) talking to another kid how his parents adopted his sister and he was a mistake. He heard the boy say that "the parents were too young to take care of her" So, my son, without knowing that Izzy's parents had a boy, tells him that's weird, because my Mom had a girl and couldnt keep her because she was too young. They get to talking for a minute and they compare first and middle names and the ages of boy's sister and my son telling the name and age of Izzy (his sister) It turns out it's the same GIRL!!!! My son has been riding with boy all year long and it's Izzy brother. Wow! He said boy didn't seem too interested in talking to him, but thought it was more because he wanted to get back to the other kid he was talking with. Also, what makes it more real is that my son knew Izzy's last name. I never told him that information. So, he now knows that Izzy is living really close to him. I told him that I have always known that, but didn't tell him where she lived because I didn't want him looking for her. He acted like I was crazy for thinking he would look around for her. The last bit of information is that boys first name is the same as the adoptive Dad's.
I really don't know what to think about this. I suppose if they read my letters and then hear that their son met my son then they won't feel so threatned if they see me going past their place. After all, I did give them a heads up that my son was attending the same school that they child might be. My biggest dream is that if the boy tells his parents that Izzy's parents will start thinking of us as REAL people.
This of course got more adoption talk going and this is all the grown ups fault, because no one should have told any of these kids this stuff until they are older. He then reminded me on how they might change Izzy's school, because I am causing trouble and that he doesn't want another person in his life. There is where my husband and I have some really deep issues. I would trade my parents off to know Izzy. Ha! maybe even my husband.
two dear drops for the two boys who share the same sister, but their isn't much sharing going on. Still can't quite explain it all yet.

Friday, June 5, 2009


I am beyond words. My ex husband called to inform me that my son has met Izzy's brother and knows who she is. Will explain more later. Wow!! This is the first time I could confirm that 100% that they did have a child after adopting.

open adoptions

I don't have any experience with open adoptions, but I love hearing about them. Even though, I have never been there and can't know what goes through adoptive parents head, but I can get a idea on how the birth parents might feel.
I know not all birth parents are super young, but adoptive parents when dealing with them remember that you have some years on them. Things may come up that they just can't understand because of their age. If you told them that you were going to raise the child one way and something happened and you had to change things, they might feel as if you were not honest with them. Someone older might just understand that life changes. There are things that I do now that early in my days as being a birth parents I would never have done. I could have never supported any adoptive parents with adoption. I can't say if it would have been a age thing or just the pain was too severe. I am not going to lie. Sometimes I read things from adoptive parents that makes me cringe.Or, when someone brings home a new baby. I admit I cant help feel the pain of the birth parents. But I try to remember that I can't understand where you are coming from and just keep quiet. Unless it's something that I really feel that I can educate anyone and do it in a respectful manner. Well that's my two cents for the day.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

At work, I worked on my scrap book a little. After completing a couple more pages, it came to me that maybe I really need to take a break. I say this for a couple different reasons, when I put pictures of me in there, I really don't have much to say. It says boring. I rather much just fill it with my kids, but I think it should include me. I can only include so many pictures of me with my animals. Also, I need to buy a new digital camera and it's just not possible right now. It's so odd that John from another blog said that maybe I need to take a break. hmmmm are you peaking in the windows?? :)
The pastor from the church called me back yesterday too. I told him we are better, but I feel as if it's a quick fix. He agreed with me and said that he was sorry that he isn't going to be available to us for another month. He said there was another pastor we can go to, but didn't think my husband would take to him too well. I can't quite explain it, but just talking to him lifts my spirits. I guess just someone that says I get what you saying and your not alone makes me feel good.
So, I talked to my husband and told him that we won't be going back for a while, but will go back, because while we are better, we have deep issues to solve and he got a little upset. He thinks all is well and fine now. Guys, is then a man thing? He almost seems like he doesn't like me talking to him. I wonder does he think I am telling on him or is it him being jealous, because I am talking to another man?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I am kind of shifting moods again. I am not overly depressed over Izzy. But she still isn't far from my every day thoughts. It's weird how things work like that. I don't know what brings on the depression or what changes my mood.
I still wish I could trust my husband when it comes to talking about Izzy and adoption. We are better, but no where near perfect. He has stayed clean of his addiction and we both are trying to keep our cool. I have picked up the book "The love Dare" and am taking the challenge. I can't really do it for 40 days in a row, because I work 24 hour shifts so I am breaking it down to fit my lifestyle. It was part of our homework from our marriage counselor who has gone missing on some mission. I really don't mean missing as a missing person report, but he has other stuff to do than just help us. I really like the guy, but he did say one thing that I just don't agree with. He said if I was happier with my husband then I wouldn't be so focused on the child. I don't really agree with that, but I do admit that if I am getting good vibes from my husband I am going to be less likely to fall into a depression overall.