Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Izzy

Your birthday is fast approaching. It's so hard for me to accept that you are going to be 18 years of age. It's weird to think how I am 33 years old and you are soon to be 18 years. That's a big difference in ages, but then again it's not really that big. My husband is 16 years older than me. I am sure to you that 33 seems old, but when your my age you probably will think different.
It's been 18 years since I last held you in my arms. It seems like a lifetime ago, but if I close my eyes, I can see that day. You were a beautiful baby girl. I remember dressing you for the trip home to your new home. I believe it was a yellow or green sleeper that once belong to one of my cousins. Oh, how I wish life could have been different. But, I have to accept life for what it is.
You are my daughter, but I don't know you. You have grown up not knowing who I am. I wonder did you grow up knowing that I was loving you from afar. Do you believe it in your heart that I am loving and missing you.
Your birthday's in general are hard on me. I wish I could say that it's a day of happiness, but I would be lying. Every birthday without you has been a year lost. Lots of parenting and loving that I didn't get to enjoy. Please don't get me wrong. I have never had doubts about bringing you into this world. I don't regret you at all. You were wanted and loved by me. I really haven't written to you about why you were placed for adoption. I think that's better if it's done in person.
The attacks on your 10Th birthday has made your birthday even worse for me. It's a almost daily reminder of you and my missing you. I hate that your birthday is associated with a terrible event. Although, I have gained a greater appreciate for police officers, firemen and rescure workers. I have always thought men in uniform are so cute!
Izzy, if I could only give you one bit of advice this would be it. Stay young! Don't be in a hurry to fall for Mr Right. Don't be in a hurry to make lots of money at a job. Don't become a Mom at a young age. So stay young. You should sneak a little more time in for just being a kid. There is plenty of time for the fun (boring) grown up stuff.

1 comment: