I was able to meet with Pastor k last night. His wife couldn't make it so it was just the two of us. He was deeply sorry for not returning my call, but I told him how during the service last week how I was still really sad and then the verse that they told me to read was mentioned. I told him how that reassured me that L (his wife) was still with me. She didn't leave me. He says that God has his ways of taking care of our needs. By their lack of contact, I was able to see for myself that they didn't just wash their hands of me.
Pastor K thinks that a lot of my healing is going to of course come from praying. Also, he is strongly encouraging me to face my family. Not facing them as in anger, but letting them know that I am hurting. That sometimes I want to talk about my daughter. He knows that I have been running my life by fear and can understand why, but now I have to work on having trust.
It's been just wonderful talking to him and his wife. Sometimes, I still wonder are they going to get tired of me? Also, I wonder how do they find a equal balance of helping me and others without letting that cut into too much family time.
I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am doing so much better. A year ago, I would be all over the 18Th birthday as a reason to contact Izzy. Now I know that it's probably not best for her at this moment. Not that admitting that doesn't hurt. I just want to do what I think is best. I think I need to heal more before I think of adding Izzy to the mix. Not that I would turn her way if she contacted me. Just as of right now, I have no plans in trying to contact her.
We did learn from the IL registry that to the best of their knowledge after she is 18 years old it's not breaking any laws to contact her. I wish I could know for sure one way or another. It makes me feel like I have more options down the road.