Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I had a couple really bad weeks. I have a hard time asking for help so I don't tend to make my needs known that I want to see them again. When I was really down I called Pastor K wanting to talk to his wife. A week went by without them calling me back. A lot of thoughts went through my head. I wondered did they get tired of me? Were they too busy? Are they tired of hearing about pain about my daughter? Did Pastor K get called off on some mission and it's nothing personal. I tried to stay positive and not take it as a personal thing against me. I went back and forth with it. I had to keep telling myself that the lack of contact is nothing against me.
I was able to meet with Pastor k last night. His wife couldn't make it so it was just the two of us. He was deeply sorry for not returning my call, but I told him how during the service last week how I was still really sad and then the verse that they told me to read was mentioned. I told him how that reassured me that L (his wife) was still with me. She didn't leave me. He says that God has his ways of taking care of our needs. By their lack of contact, I was able to see for myself that they didn't just wash their hands of me.
Pastor K thinks that a lot of my healing is going to of course come from praying. Also, he is strongly encouraging me to face my family. Not facing them as in anger, but letting them know that I am hurting. That sometimes I want to talk about my daughter. He knows that I have been running my life by fear and can understand why, but now I have to work on having trust.

It's been just wonderful talking to him and his wife. Sometimes, I still wonder are they going to get tired of me? Also, I wonder how do they find a equal balance of helping me and others without letting that cut into too much family time.

I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am doing so much better. A year ago, I would be all over the 18Th birthday as a reason to contact Izzy. Now I know that it's probably not best for her at this moment. Not that admitting that doesn't hurt. I just want to do what I think is best. I think I need to heal more before I think of adding Izzy to the mix. Not that I would turn her way if she contacted me. Just as of right now, I have no plans in trying to contact her.

We did learn from the IL registry that to the best of their knowledge after she is 18 years old it's not breaking any laws to contact her. I wish I could know for sure one way or another. It makes me feel like I have more options down the road.


BB said...

I wouldn't worry to much about taking up too much of the pastor's time. This is his job, but it is also (in most cases) his passion. If he can help you seek God's help, I am sure he is willing to invest all the time you need.

I agree with him about your family. I was going to post a comment before about it, but I couldn't get it to come out right.

With your brother, for instance, if you have never talked to him about it openly, he is either going to 1) form his own opinion base on something else (ie the media) or 2) talk to someone "safer" for him and form his opinion from their opinion (i.e. your mom).

I would start with one person and talk about it-- maybe just ask them what their perception was of the whole thing. If they read your blog and you talk about it there, but don't talk about it face to face, they may think it is off limits to talk about face to face. You never know how people are interpreting things. On the other hand, I almost always give people the benefit of the doubt and often end up SHOCKED!

Good luck. I am so glad you are getting some healing.

kalibug said...

There should not be anything legal wise preventing you from contacting her IF you want to contact her now. When she is 18, she is consider a legal adult.