Saturday, October 10, 2009

It's been about a month since Izzy's birthday and the sending of the card.
It's now been a year since I made the first attempt to send her parents a letter.
When I decided to send the card, I told myself not to expect anything. I can actually say that even though, I would have loved some contact that I am not upset. I can check the mail box without the hoping and dreaming. It's different this time. I didn't convince myself that they would write. So, I can say that I didn't hear back and I am okay with it.


Tammy said...


I just found your blog and have only read a couple of posts but I wanted to comment on a few things you're written about. I am an adoptive parent to an 8 month old boy through open adoption. (Open with his birth mother, birth father wants no contact).

First of all, all you can do is try to make contact with Izzy. You are doing the right things by documenting your attempts so if you ever do have contact with her, you can show her how you tried. In adoption, we all learn very quickly how little power or influence we have on others - so much trust is involved and we all feel so very vulnerable. If her adoptive parents chose not to share your attempts with her, they will have to deal with how that affects their relationship with her. Although this so clearly involves you, this is also about their relationship with Izzy. If they don't give her the cards you send, they are going to have to deal with the fallout when Izzy finds out. And that is on them. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better or worry any less about her, but you can have peace knowing that you are doing all you can do. What happened in the past cannot be undone (your closed adoption) and you are doing what you can in the present. That is all you can ask of yourself and all Izzy can ask of you.

Second, I too would suggest continuing to see the adoption counselor and the pastor and his wife. And if you are more comfortable seeing the two of them together, I think you have every right to ask them if you can continue seeing them together. Counseling people is part of their job (as well as their ministry) and I am hoping they are not making you feel guilty for wanting their support. That is what they are supposed to do.

Also, you mentioned that they have told you that you are forgiven...I have not read your whole story so I may not know everything but placing a child for adoption is not a sin and there is nothing that you did that needs to be forgiven. Remember Moses was adopted and not once does the bible say that what his birthmother did was wrong (and she put him in a basket to float down the river!!) If your pastors are implying that giving a child (who you felt your couldn't raise yourself) a new life is something that needs to be forgiven, then I would question what kind of support they are giving. I am not trying to be rude here, just want to be sure they are giving you good support and are not contributing to some of the feelings you may be having.

I was so touched by your explanation of why you are keeping this blog. You mentioned that you hoped if Izzy ever reads this that she will be proud of you. That touched me so because I have the same hope for my son - that his birth mother will be proud of him as he grows up. That her sacrifice will be worth it. I hope that doesn't sound condescending. What I mean is that I hope that I am giving him the life that she envisioned for him when she decided to place him with me.

Anyways, those are my thoughts and I look forward to reading more of your blog.

Sarah said...

I noticed in the consent paperwork our birthmother signed, that the court says they won't provide information to the child (obviously that doesn't prevent us from doing so) until the child is 19. I don't know what state you're in, but perhaps it's similar and once she's 19 she can choose to seek you out on her own. Alternately, she just may not be at a place in her life where she wants to and perhaps her parents are saving your correspondence until she asks about you and then they can share it with her. Obviously we only know your side of the story, so we don't know what's going on with them.