Wednesday, September 23, 2009

For years, I have struggled with the not knowing what Izzy looked like. I had an idea from the picture when she was about 2 or so that she might strongly resemble me. I will admit that it gave me joy in the fact. I thought maybe the parents wouldn't be able to help but think of me.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!

I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.

It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.

Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.


Amstel said...

I found your blog recently...thanks for following mine and for the comments too! I am so sorry for your deep regret and your struggles with closed adoption, but I do want to congratulate you on choosing life. If nothing else, at the very least you will never have to live with the regret of having an abortion. Even though adoption wasn't your choice, I am amazed that you have stayed strong throughout your difficult journey and that you are sharing your experience. I think there needs to be more support for birthmoms. Whether an adoption is open or closed, it still takes an emotional toll on the birthmom. Have you heard of birthmom buds?
-Amy :)

Laurie said...

Oh...I see what you are saying about having to sneak around to see photos of her. This is what makes closed adoption so hard. It is all the unknown's. You should be able to claim her as your oldest child. She is. She may have a different Mom and Dad in life, but she had a first mother and you should be honored as that.