Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dear Izzy

Lately, as I print these letters for your scrap book, I wonder what would be on your mind when you learn that I have been blogging my experience as your Birthmother for the whole world to see? Also, that I write letters for the whole world to see. Would you feel honored that other people are praying and hoping for a reunion. Or would you feel betrayal that letters to you was share for the whole world to see. Would you ask why I blog? If I said, to have somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings would you wonder why I didn't just write in a journal on paper.
To answer the questions that you may or may not ever ask is that at first I blogged as a place where I could express myself. In my experience, I haven't really been able to speak of you or adoption very well. I always felt like I wasn't understood and most people felt odd talking to me. It just made me feel ashamed and I just learned to not deal with my issues. Now, why not just write in an journal on paper? I like the fact that I can connect with other Birth Moms. It helps me feel not so alone. Also, I feel that if I convince one adoptive parent that closed adoptions should be a thing of the past and that they don't need to feel fear when it comes to their child's birth parents then this blog has served it's purpose. I can't think of any person more trust worthy of an adoptive child than the birth parents. Sometimes, not every often, but I do hear from children who have been adopted. I like to hear their insight.

I have been getting counseling for a year now and slowly I am starting to be more comfortable in my role as a birthmother. I am trying to live in the past. I am trying to let go of the what if's. That what if''s are not going to get me anywhere. I might wish that I had the support to raise you. I can't go and redo things and nor do I assume that you would want to redo things.

I hope when/if you ever read this blog that you will be proud of me. I hope that I do get me feelings across about the adoption without being too harsh on anyone. I try to focus more on the pain and not so much the blame. I don't agree with closed adoptions and I wish things had been different between your parents and myself. I think to see you grow, even if only through pictures, would have given me a sense of peace. It would allow me to feel that you were safe and well and also gave me more of a reason not to live in secret over you.That is something that I still struggle with to this day. I need to know that you are ok. I never want you to feel that you weren't loved or wanted. I do respect your parents and hope that you have had a great relationship and that they will continue to love you with all their hearts. Please know that I love you just as much. Not more not less. Your a beatiful girl! May someday, I can look into your eyes and see your inner beauty along with your outside beauty. Iwill always love you.

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