Sunday, November 15, 2009

I used to wonder when was the right time to tell my children, especially, my first born, that he wasn't my first born. There is no perfect moment to say ya know there was another child before you, but she went to a different home. Opps sorry I let you claim the first born status. Since, my kids never asked did I really lie?
Well, yes I did. Because when my first son saw a picture of Izzy and asked who it was. I said it was me. It was a easy lie to pass off, because the picture could pass for me. But I felt bad and in the closet Izzy went. That's where I get the phrase that all my adoption pain gets shoved in the closet. I didn't deal with it. I just put it in there and let it sit.
After my split, from my first husband, when my son was about 12 years old. My ex husband told him it was her birthday. Opps! He thought he knew. I don't buy that for a minute. However, it did lead to being able to be more out in the open. It took at least a year, before my son had the courage to ask about her again. As more time passes, I feel a little more comfortable with allowing myself to enjoy the simple things. Izzy's toddler picture on the wall and the charm, with her name, that hangs from my van. Someday, I hope to wear a ring with all my children's birthstone.
I do wonder though is all these little things worth it to my boys. Wondering how much and when they can understand. And trying to find the right way to tell them, we don't know what kind of a relationship, if any, they will have with her.
Within, the last couple months my oldest son said two things that have stuck out. HE told me.. I just realized that I am not the first born. Also, he said he remembering me telling him that Izzy's picture was me.
I wonder when children learn of other children being placed for adoption if age changes their desire to want to know about the missing child? All I can go on his my experience. First son learned about her at around 12 years and second son learned about her at 9 years of age. They both ask questions but in different ways. If I had to say who is affected the most about missing out the sister, I would have to say my younger son. But I am not sure if it's her he feels the loss for her or a sister. Well, enough for now.


~Katie said...

Hi, I found you through "my journey through life and now as a birthmother." I have really enjoyed your blog and would love to be invited to read more.
-Katie :)

kelly said...

I have wondered these things as well. I am a birthmother to a 21 year old daughter. It has always been an open adoption and I now have a 9 year old and a 7 year old. I told my "oldest" who my firstborn was when she was 4 and was so nervous! She has gone thru periods of being very angry with me for "giving her sister away". This was very painful for me. My youngest (a son) seems to have been more accepting of far. For me being a birthmother has meant that there are sometimes suprising new painful situations that come up according to the stage of life I am in. Wish someone could of warned me of all this twenty one years ago! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. Your blog has been very helpful to me.

Debbie B said...

There is a book that I read awhile ago that comes to mind as I read this post. It's The Other Sister by S.T. Underdahl. It's about a family that when the oldest daughter is 15 share that they have an older daughter, 25, placed for adoption and had recently reunited. It's told by the 15 yr old, it's fiction.
Not sure if it would be any help in getting an idea of how your boys might be handling it but I thought I'd pass it on.