Monday, November 16, 2009

Question to another birthmother

For me being a birthmother has meant that there are sometimes suprising new painful situations that come up according to the stage of life This is part of a comment from Kelly.
Kelly, I really agree with your statement. I hope you don't mind me using it here. There have been different stages in my life when my memories and grief hits me like a train. Except their are no sirens or bells. It just knocks me down. I just have to dust the dirt off me knees and keep going.
You said it was always a open adoption. Did that include visits and if so how often. I kind of wonder about visits that only happen once or twice a year. Is it really building relationships. I have four nieces that live far away. I only see them once or twice a year. I love them, but I really don't know them anymore. I know it's not the same.
I know you haven't walked in my shoes from a closed side of it, but do you think your kids handled it better or worse maybe compared to a closed adoption. Because when my kids ask questions I don't have the answers. Or do you find it more difficult because the loss of their sister is more in their face. I am not anti adoption or pro adoption. I fall in the middle. I do believe adoption should be in the extreme cases, but that's my thoughts. I am all for open adoption.

6 comments:

kelly said...

Hi- I agree with you about adoption being reserved for extreme cases. I am not pro or con. I am trying to make peace with myself that is was the best I could do at the time considering my age and maturity and circumstances.I have been doing alot of soul searching, reading and counseling this past year trying to find some healing. I have been following your blog for awhile and it has been helpful to read some of your feelings and have often sent good thoughts your way. Regarding open/closed adoption and my kids. I feel it has been easier in the sense that they know her, but there has been at times sadness when she has to go home. When she was about five I started seeing her twice a year. When she became in early teens(when my kids were born) it became more often and with sleepovers. As an older teeneager and presently I see her a couple times a month. Which I am so grateful for. I have tried over the years to find advice for birthparents telling their younger children about their firstborn. Their does not seem to be much info out there on that topic. There sure is a need.I sometimes feel I am fumbling around handeling my kids questions and hope I am saying the right things and wishing I did not have to talk about it all! Have you found any good advice on this?
Kelly

birthmothertalks said...

Kelly,
As you can see from reading my blog that, I too, have been doing some serious deep thinking too. I have been getting counsel from two different sources and each source has played a role in some healing. I still can't say that I am fixed. Maybe the thing here is that there is no fixing it. We can't change the past, but the counseling as helped to me accept the past for what it is. Also, to not be so angry with the adoptive parents. They are only as good as the education they received about adoption.
I really haven't been given too much good advice on how to talk to children after the adoption of a sister or brother. Sometimes, when my kids ask questions, I just want to hide in a corner. It's so hard to face them. I have been told that to remember that we are the adults and it's okay to tell the children that is something I just can't talk about right now. Also, to only tell things according to their ages.
Does your children's relationship come close to what might have been if they were raised together?

Tammy said...

I can honestly say I've never thought about this and I appreciate you both talking about it. My son has several older birth siblings and I wonder what their parents tell them about him. My son was with his first family for 6 months so his older siblings would know him.

I don't have any specific advise about telling your kids but I can tell you what we adoptive parents are told to do when our adopted children ask questions about their adoptions and first families. We are told to be straight forward and answer their questions. If you try to avoid talking about it then it makes it seem like it is shameful and a secret. We are also told to keep it simple and let the child lead with their questions. Sometimes we as adults see a deeper meaning in a question than what a child is really asking.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with saying that you are an adult and you don't feel comfortable answering that question right now. Or you can tell them that you will talk about more when they are older and can understand it better (as long as you do go back and talk to them later on).

Tammy said...

I can honestly say I've never thought about this and I appreciate you both talking about it. My son has several older birth siblings and I wonder what their parents tell them about him. My son was with his first family for 6 months so his older siblings would know him.

I don't have any specific advise about telling your kids but I can tell you what we adoptive parents are told to do when our adopted children ask questions about their adoptions and first families. We are told to be straight forward and answer their questions. If you try to avoid talking about it then it makes it seem like it is shameful and a secret. We are also told to keep it simple and let the child lead with their questions. Sometimes we as adults see a deeper meaning in a question than what a child is really asking.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with saying that you are an adult and you don't feel comfortable answering that question right now. Or you can tell them that you will talk about more when they are older and can understand it better (as long as you do go back and talk to them later on).

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are struggling with your adoption and I'm sorry you are a hateful person but please leave your negative comments to your own blog. You've left a few comments on my blog and none are worth reading. You want your cake and eat it too with open adoption. You want to give your child to someone else to raise but you want to see him or her whenever you please, sorry that doesn't work.

Debbie B said...

Reading your comments, very interesting thoughts. I was going to offer the same insight that Tammy did so I won't repeat her. I will say that sometimes it will hurt us too to talk about it, but nothing like you go through as a birthmom. (Not trying to belittle that at all) One of the many things I've come to realize that triad members have in common.
I have thought about it before only in wondering what will happen when our daughter's first mom has another child. But I suppose we're in an open adoption so they'll learn it just as our child now is learning it all.

No idea what the anon person is referring to but you deserve whatever you were promised with regards to your open adoption. I really don't like adoptive parents that go back on their word and close the adoptions.