Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Tomorrow, I am meeting with the adoption agency counselor again. I haven't me with her since the day before my daughter's birthday. I have a lot of issues floating around in my head and things that I want to talk about. I have been getting counseling from the agency, for free, for a year now. Which is awesome, because I didn't even place through them. Most of the time, I think adoption agencies are all about the money, but I do have to see that they are not gaining a thing from me.

I started marriage counseling with a pastor of a church and then it became counseling just for me. I was able to speak more easily about my experience and learn more about God. After, a few sessions with them both, I have been kind of pushed just on his wife. Part of me doesn't mind, but there is a part of me that really thinks that they make a good team. Plus when I meet with him. I did that once. Or them both, we get to use a room in the church. There is something about the peaceful feeling from the church and also it's hard to really talk knowing that I might be airing my issues for all near us to hear.

The pastor and his wife both encouraged me to profess my need of God in my life. He said what I needed most was salvation. For almost any and every issue I bring up he could/would quote the bible to answer me. Also, I felt he was the man who really got what I was trying to say. He was so confident that life would get better if I follow God's word. Very quickly L (Wife) got all sweet and emotional with me. I get hugs when she sees me.

Stay with me. I really liked going to these guys, because I felt they really cared. They were interested in my needs and willing to help. I liked the fact that they weren't making money off of me.

When my daughter's birthday. Which was a topic that I talked about came and went without even a phone call from them. I began to second guess them. When not one single person called me on her birthday, it kind of circled back around to the shame and secretcy of it all. I was pretty hurt by the fact that they didn't call. I did run into them, in church, the Sunday after her birthday. They seemed thrilled that I had both of my kids. We sat near them and only spoke for a minute after the service.

After her birthday, I wanted to call them, but I also wanted to test them. I was asking do they really care? Are they only interested in me as long as I make all the contact. I decided to make the appointment with the adoption agency lady, because I didn't want to call her. I was testing them. I jave issues with one sided relationships/friendships.
A week ago today, I was at church and she called out to me. She asked when could we meet again. I told her that I would have to wait to see what I worked the next week. I told her that I could call on Saturday and give her my best times. I did that and got her voice mail. I left her a message with my best days. I didn't hear anything back.
Tonight, at church, I seen her, but basically didn't go up to her. Then, she came to me and asked why didn't I call. I said that I did and I left a message. She said that she didn't check the messages. What I don't get is that if your going to offer your services to people shouldn't you be more up on returning calls. I want to continue to learn about God and have her in my corner, but I don't want to beg. I have to again, see what I work and set something up with her.

I am not sure which counseling is more assistance to me. I feel the adoption agency counselor is more willing to really talk through the issues and help me process things and gives me encouragement for the future. She also is realistic in the fact that she doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't want to lead me on that I will have a happy ever after story about adoption reunion.

Pastor K and his wife L do a lot of quoting the bible. Some of it helps, but some of it doesn't. They want me to help get rid of all my guilt and remind me that my sins have been forgiven and someday I will reunite with my daughter. He says that if she is a Christian that I will get to be with her in Heaven. The If part is scary. They both have told me the best thing I can do for Izzy is to pray for her. Pray that God will place good people in her life. How can I have peace with that? God didn't magically come to my rescue. Or maybe we can say that he did, because I knew once I went into labor I couldn't deny her any longer. But, I was alone. No once came to my aid to save my daughter from separating from me. Last time, I met with L she said that this life on earth will feel so short once we are in heaven. That doesn't help me in knowing that my daughter is safe. If she is hurting for anytime, it's too much. Pastor K does seem to understand me. He says thinks like it's no wonder you live in fear and don't trust, because someone took the most precious thing from you. He wants me to break free of the fear and be more open and healing will come. I am not so sure of that.
I guess I will continue seeing both counselors as I feel I need to. I wish I felt more comfortable with L. It's not that I feel stressed with her. I just feel best with the both of them. But it's a lot to ask for when he is a marriage counselor and they have a family too.


Bethany G. said...

I recently posted on what a special group of ladies you birth moms are. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. God is a God of healing and pray for His peace in your life. I don't even know you, but I know that you are very special!

Jessica said...

Wow, I think it's a great point about having a hard time with one-sided relationships. I hadn't really thought of it like that, but with everything you've gone through I'm glad you've recognized that and can watch for it. I hate that you have to guard yourself like that, but at the same time I can see how you have to protect yourself from further pain.

It sounds like the counseling you're getting from both places is very different. I think, in dealing with issues with Izzy, you should continue to see the adoption counselor. I think she will probably be able to help you in very specific ways the pastor and especially his wife would never be able to. But it doesn't mean you have to stop seeing them. Maybe seeing them to talk about your marriage (even as it's getting better), your career, and dealing with your mom and, they can continue to provide you with some of that knowledge about God. Ultimately, their strength lies in trusting God and leading people that way, so you should know that will probably always be their focus.

I'm just really glad you're finding people to talk to. It takes a lot of courage for ANYONE to get counseling and deal with their issues, especially ones that have plagued them for so long. I really hope it continues to help!