Sunday, September 6, 2009

When I first started blogging, I shared my blog with my family. It was just normal everyday stuff and pictures. Then, I created the blog called Empty Arms and broken heart. I didn't know enough about blogging then. I noticed that there was a chance that they could read the adoption related blog, because it was under the same profile.
I started writing the adoption related blog when I seen another Birthmother doing it. I thought writing would be helpful. It gave me a place where I could say what was on my mind without hurting or offending anyone in my real life. When, I noticed that anyone who had my normal blog. could read the adoption related one, I started to be tempted to just strike out in anger against my Mom. It was too easy to just strike and not think about if I was hurting her.

So, I created this blog and erased the other one. This blog has given me the freedom to express my greif, my sorrows, my disappointments, and even my moments of happiness. I didn't have to worry if I stepped on any family members toes. Also, I wasn't temted to strike out in anger with my goal to hurt somoene. Sometimes, I feel like she hurt me and I am going to hurt her. Well, my thinking like that isn't going to solve anything.
On top of just writing, I have found a group of people who I have connected with that I probably wouldn't have had the chance in real life. I have learned a lot from adoption from all sides. I feel that I carry less anger towards my daughter's adoptive parents, because of them. It's been a wonderful support system. It doesn't replace the face to face support system that I need, but hey at least it's something.

I won't say who said what and who might be reading, but I have heard that one of my family members has tracked this blog down by watching the people I follow on my other blog. I am not sure if they are confused and had been reading the one I got rid of or not.
The thought that they took the time to search it out makes me sick. Why not come to me if somoene has questions. Why read my most personal thoughts if you can't come to me and say "Hey I know your hurting, is there anything I can do" Or say, "I can't imagine what's it's been like for you, can you explain more about what happened"

The pastor wife says that I shouldn't blame sisters or brothers for not speaking of the adoption or my daughter, and I suppose she is right. But I can hold them for reading my most personal thoughts.

Just in case family is still reading. I do write about my issues. My parents were not there for me when I needed them the most. I followed my older sister around men who were much older than me and I fell for one of them. I had sex and I am not innocent. I don't regret my daughter and the only think I regret when it comes to her is that I can't remember Todd's last name. I feel like that's a part of history that I should be able to give Izzy if she wants it.
I spent the first half of my childhood hanging out with my big sister and the next half helping babysit the younger sister and brother. I am pissed that I had to help raise my little brother and sister, but couldn't be a Mom to my own child. But the person besides, myself that I blame the most is my Mom. Will I ever forgive her? I don't know. She hasn't been in my life very much at all. She ignores me. Everyone says it's her guilt.

Again, I am going to say that it makes me sick if anyone in my family has been invading my space. I know it's online and a lot of people can read it. However, it was never meant to be in the hands of parents, sisters, brothers, or Izz's parents. This was for me. If your family and reading this I ask two things. Fess up to me. Tell me that you have been here and then don't come back. if you want to know more just ask me. I would love to talk about Izzy. Sometimes it's hard, because I have been living in silence.
All, I have left to say is that I hope that this can continue to be a safe spot for me to write and get support from others who get adoption.

1 comment:

Tracey said...

Good for you for speaking your mind! God Bless.