Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I wanted to write more about the counseling. I know that I have said that Pastor K has said that Jesus died for our sins. I have never got the impression that he thought that having Izzy and placing her for adoption was a sin. I think since overall, in general, since he knew that I haven't had much education on the bible and church that it's just part of his thing.
If anything Pastor K reminds me that I did nothing wrong. I struggle with guilt, because I feel like I gave my child to strangers and with not really knowing much. He wants me to let go of the guilt. That it's not my fault. I was at the hands of my parents and adoption is what was pretty much forced one me. Sometimes I may mistake the issue of being told to pray over what worries me as the same as don't call me just pray. I know they aren't really meaning that, but sometimes I judge relationships and that's just who I am.

The adoption agency counsler is helping me see that some of my reactions to my daughter's family is just human. For example, I was angry that her face was on facebook for the world to see and not me. She pointed out aren't I doing the same thing with this blog? I put it out for the world to see, but really don't want those closest to me reading it.

She is always trying to help me steer me away from always blaming the parents. There is a lot of unknowns in my situation. She is trying to get me to understand that it might be Izzy who in uninterested at this point. It's just human nature to blame them I guess. She said that I just give off this impression that I will know my daughter some day. I do admit that I feel that I will know her. But I do understand that an reunion and a relationship is a two way street.

She asked me how ofte do I think her adoptive parents think of adoption? I don't have a clue. I would think probably less than me, because they are on the good side of adoption. I won't say that adoptive parents don't feel loss and have pain, but in the end, if you adopt, you have the prize. Birth parents just are left empty handed. So my question to adoptive parents or couples trying to adopt. How often do you think of adoption? Can you hear a story about adoption and not let your mind wonder to your own situation? I can't. But that doesn't mean that I get depressed. I just can't seperate the two.

Did I mention that my step daughter is having a baby? They think it's probably a girl. At first, when she announced she was pregnant, I got pretty depressed. Some old stuff came up. But now I am totally excited. I been buying her some gently used baby girl clothes. Soon to be Grandpa, said new Mom's don't like used clothes. What to you all think about used clothes?


BB said...

I think about adoption every.single.day. Handsdown. I don't need an adoption story on tv or in the news to make me think about it, but of couse those things make me think of it, too. I do think of adoption less when I am with my daughter, but that is because I am thinking about being a mom and about her being who she is. I think that as she gets older I may think about it a little less, but maybe not.

I LOVED used clothes. I had a lot of people bring me lots of hand-me-downs and used clothes. As a side, I could always tell who pickout out cute used clothes, and who just bought up all the used clothes they can find. As long as they are selected because they are cute and in good condition, my opinion is that used clothes are the BEST!

Sarah said...

I think about adoption every single day. And I notice it all around me now, when previously I didn't. I'm sure her parents think about it frequently. I know we attend an adoption support group as many adoptive parents do, and they probably do the same.

And 95% of our clothes for both babies are hand-me-downs or gently used. :)

Tammy said...

I too think about adoption every single day and I think of my son's birth parents every single day as well. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my son's face and see his birth mother in it. They look almost identical.

Now my adoption is very new - I have only had my son since July and the excitement still hasn't worn off. But I started this adoption process in Feb. of 2006 and I decided to adopt back in 2002. I have thought about adoption every day since I made the decision in 2002 to adopt. And yes, we adoptive parents fully realize that we got the prize, at least I do. Adoption *is* a strange thing. I know that my joy at having my son is only matched by his birth parents' grief of not having him. I have asked his birth mom if there is anything I can do for her, besides keeping in contact. She has told me there isn't and I spose there really isn't much I can do. Any suggestions you have would be much appreciated.

Izzy may be the one deciding not to respond. It is impossible to tell. But I don't think it would be wrong to continue to make contact ever so often. I have a friend who was adopted as a newborn. After some medical issues, she hired a private investigator to locate her birth family. Her birth mother has basically told her flat out she wants nothing to do with her. So my friend goes through some of the same things you are going through, only on the opposite end. The pain of adoption is not lost on me.

Used clothes are just fine. Your stepdaughter will know they have been picked out in love. My aunt has gotten my son things from an agency that gets them donated. On one hand, I want to tell her not to get them for me because I can afford to buy them while other people cannot. However, she picks them out in love and is so excited to give them to me, I just can't bring myself to tell her not to. Your stepdaughter will know the same things. Buy away grandma!!!

kalibug said...

There is no way, I cannot think of adoption. Yes, adoption was a gift for us. Thankfully, in our case, Kali's birthmom says the same thing. She could not raise this little girl, not just financially, but also emotionality. We have pictures of Kali and her birthmom in Kali's room (more than one picture) and one in the living room. We attend a monthly adoption support group and respond to yahoo groups about adoption. Adoption is how our family was formed.

There is nothing wrong with used clothes. I think only young people can have a problem with it, cause there is nothing wrong with it at all. Clothes are clothes.

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Laurie said...

yes adoption is a part of my every day existence. It changed who I am. It made me stronger. It made me more compassionate. It made me see that my joy can often bring another's pain. Joy mingled with grief. Isn't that so much of life?

It also made me see the sacrifices made, the tears shed, the lives given.

I am not sure the adoptive parents are the only ones who win in this situation. Children's lives are forever changed, many in adoption receive a family and a home where one did not exist before. But I can surely see your point on birthmothers arms being left empty. Such a sad side. I believe that is where having a relationship with the adoptive family helps to heal those wounds. I am so, so sad for you that that this is not your story. I pray that you will one day be able to hang that photo of your daughter proudly- because she gave it to you.