Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The hard stuff!

The evening of Izzy's birthday was the hardest. I decided to drown my sadness in drinking. I know not good. I drank down quite a bit for someone who doesn't drink but maybe a few times a year. Then, I decided to dress my dolls. I collect dolls that I like to change their clothes and stuff. I am not crazy, but I just like to have fun with it. I still had the doll around me when the buzz and the tears came on. I hope no one thinks I am nuts for admitting this, but anyways, I started to cry and rock the baby. My husband tried to ask me what was wrong and I pretty much ignored him and just kept crying and rocking the baby.
I can't explain it but it went very deep. For a short period of time I had my baby girl back. I felt everything I felt the day she was born. My husband kept trying to get me to lye down and I kept rocking the baby.
Then, it got even stranger. I stripped the doll of her clothes. I was like a mad person desperate to get her clothes off. After, she was naked, I felt her face and her hands and feet trying to remember my baby forever. My husband claimed the next day that a couple times I would go to the bathroom and he would dress the doll. I would undress her again. Finally, he just gave up and let the baby go without clothes. I slept with the doll as if it was my baby girl. Something I don't normally do.
It took me a few days to really understand why I was stripping the baby doll of her clothes. My last memories of my daughter is me dressing her and leaving the hospital. I remember my Mom rushing me to dress her. I wanted to make that moment last forever. So, I think by refusing to dress the doll was my way of reliving of my pleas to keep my baby with me.
My husband said, that I cried for about an hour or so. This is about 6 hours less than last year. I owe my husband lots of credit. He was so different this year. He tried to help. I remember him reaching out to touch me or try to get me to lay down. He didn't yell or call me crazy or once tell me that I didn't have the right to cry.
The next day, we picked up the newest doll that I just had to have and we went on a road trip. We drove with no where in mind. This birthday was hard, but I felt the support of my husband really made the difference.
The picture is my new doll.


RB said...

Your honesty is one of the things that I admire most about you. I'm so sorry that Izzy's birthday was so painful, but am very happy to hear how wonderful your husband was. Beautiful doll, by the way :)

Rebekah said...

Oh sweet girl. Your pain goes deep. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and hold you close. I am glad that your husband is sensitive enought to just let you be sad, and support you through it. Thank you for your honesty.

Laurie said...

Oh no...I knew if I kept reading your blog posts that I would start crying. :(

I have a quote from C.S. Lewis that I love "we read to know we are not alone." Please know that in us reading your words and mourning with you, that you are not alone.

When I went through the deep dark times of infertility, I too felt a draw to baby dolls. It was something I could touch and feel and dream someday would be in my home. I was at an assisted living home visiting my grandmother soon after and I saw an old old woman in a wheelchair cradling a naked baby doll. Just holding it tenderly. I whispered to my husband, "that is a woman who has baby grief that she has carried with her her whole life." I prayed right there and then that God would give me a child to hold and love so that I would go my whole life holding on to that grief.

I pray that same prayer for you, friend. May our Lord release you of this burden. May your heart that was broken so many years ago begin to find healing.