Sunday, October 18, 2009

hard day

Yesterday, was a hard day. My husband and I have really been discussing adoption and it's not much better from the past. I feel that he feels too much for the adoptive parents then he does for my case. I might explain later.
He did remind me that my daughter is grown now and I don't have to deal with her parents. Why not contact her. I came so close to sending her a message on Facebook, but I didn't do it. I want to do it, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think it's out of fear of rejection and maybe mostly just plain scared on the effect that would have on my daughter. Also all of the sudden her Mom has a facebook account too and I am probably reading too much into it. I told two of my family members about facebook page so my mind is wondering did it get back to them? Is her making a page and connecting it to her daughter a way of saying back off? I got to do what is right by Izzy and I don't if sending a message that way is right.

I am trying to take joy in the fact that I am starting to have some communication with my step daughter. I didn't raise her so there isn't any bonds that have us connected like in some step famlies. So far, I have just been the woman who married her Dad.
She is carrying a little girl and I am trying to use this baby to bring us closer together. Today, while at church, she sent me a text message thanking me again for the cute baby clothes. I haven't even given them to her yet, but blogged about them on my other blog. I feel as strong battle coming on to either let this baby girl be a happy moment or a sad moment. She can bring joy and happieness to my life or I can let her be a reminder of all lost. I can deal with boy babies but girl babies tear me up. I want to enjoy the moment of buying baby girl clothes and dolls and not be sad over my loss.

I have a crazy idea in my head. I want to buy another cute doll at the doll shop and give it to a little girl at church. I don't have any girl in mind. I want it to be someone who doesn't have much, but not so much that it's all they get for Christmas. I want to see them open it and enjoy the moment. I guess I say it's crazy, because I am broke. I am not working that much due to who knows what at my job. I can't always pay my bills on time, but I want to buy a doll for a stranger. Maybe I just want to experience something that was taken away from me. I want it back. I remember the first Christmas asking my aunt, if the adoptive parents would allow me to buy Izzy a teddy bear or a doll for Christmas and I was told no.


Tammy said...

I don't know Izzy or her adoptive parents but you may be reading too much into the facebook thing. Or maybe not. But I know that I overanalyze everything my son's birth mom says too. I wonder what she means when she says something. Even if the meaning sounds obvious, is it really? And I always wonder if she is agreeing with me just to agree with me because she doesn't want me to get upset at her (and not talk to her anymore???) And then I wonder if she overanalyzes everything I say too LOL!! It is a strange relationship - to share something (someone) so intimately and yet be perfect strangers still.

As for contacting Izzy directly, only you can decide what to do. Writing a letter or e-mail or something on facebook may be the better way to go, so she doesn't feel put on the spot.

I am very opinionated on this topic but my personal opinion is that it doesn't matter what the adoptive parents think. This isn't about them - it is about Izzy. But it is easy for me to say that from my vantage point.

If you feel so strongly about giving something to a little girl, have you ever thought about mentoring one? Big Brothers/Big Sisters is always looking for mentors. I know our city has the Lunch Buddies program too, where mentors eat lunch with the kid they are assigned to. Just a thought.

Laurie said...

I agree with Tammy. It is your right as her birthmother to write her something, have it delivered to her house if you know their address. She can do the rest. As an adoptive mom I teared up when I read that you wanted to give your daughter a gift on her birthday or Christmas. I cherish every little thing my daughter's birthmother has given her and grieve that my son has nothing from his birthfamily because of the closed adoption. I used to send them letters 4 times a year but finally started to have the returned. My heart breaks that they will not get to see him grow up and his sweet smile, but I also understand. There is so much pain on both sides, and being reminded of the son you couldn't parent can't be easy.

I have always welcomed my daughter's birthfamily to come to her parties, for the very reason you state here on your blog. The ache of not being able to raise a child a child you love so very much, one that is a part of you, is something noone can give back to you. But as adoptive parents the best gift we can give is a relationship. I know our birthmother is comforted in some little way by being about to touch Vivi, see her bedroom, watch her grow.

I will continue to pray for you and your little Izzy that there will be a relationship someday soon.