Only one person wants to exchange Christmas cards?? Where is the Christmas spirit? Well, anyways, I am going to try to get a good picture of us really soon for our picture for our Christmas cards. I am starting to decorate a little even though we don't have much in the line of directions and suck at this whole holiday thing. We don't really have a lot of family traditions anymore.

One tradition is breakfast with Santa. I think we went once or twice. I forgot. I am calling it one. We go for that this coming up weekend. Something new I am going to start is a Christmas eve box with new pj's, a Christmas movie and a snack.

So anyone else want to exchange cards??

Christmas

I would like to steal an idea about an Christmas card exchange that I have participated in with the last two years. You can read about it here.

I would like to do the same. I don't get many Christmas cards and thought it would be fun to have some to display. I would like to limit this to the first 20 people who are interested. Leave me a comment if your interested with your address and an way so I can get you my address. I will put my comment moderation back on so no ones address will be seen.

Reunion and weight loss part two

My relationship with Izzy has impacted my weight loss in many ways and overall has changed my outlook on life.

I used to have really bad self esteem. It wasn't just weight related. I thought I was very ugly. I really didn't like anything about myself.
When I spotted pictures of my daughter and later met her it became hard to really think of myself as ugly since we looked so much alike.


I espeially hated getting my picture taken with my hair up cause I had an ugly face. I still rather have my hair down but now I can see my nice features and not think ill of myself. I always thought I had a horrible smile. Sometimes, I still do think that my smile sucks when posing for pictures.

I think Izzy sometimes has that same weird expression on her face and I love it.

My self worth as a person and Mother has improved quite a bit. I had taken the rejection of my letters and contact of Izzy's parents and had become to believe that I was worthless. I never believed I didn't deserve to know my daughter but it was all about me. What she could give me and not what I could give her cause I had nothing to offer since I was worthless.

Being in a relationship with Izzy at times was hard. I wanted EVERYTHING now!! I had to learn to accept what she had to offer on her timing. I threw myself into volunteering for MELD and the nusery and also Zumba.



The picture above was my first zumbathon. I was pretty new to zumba and also overcame a huge hurdle by going to the zumbathon at the school that I was attending when I was in labor and went thru the remaining of the year denying my daughter. It was the beginning of the secret and shame. Going back was huge to me and was in some ways.. saying I came out alive. The memories are there but don't haunt me anymore.

I think the biggest area of impact having Izzy in my life was getting off the day to day emotional roller coaster of not knowing about my daughter, being sad cause I don't know, being pissed cause I don't know and being angry cause no one seems to care or understand.

I slowly started being able to share my reunion story with friends and some family and didn't feel the need to eat to sooth my aching heart. I am not perfect. I still like the taste of cookies and candy too much. I still feel the urge to eat sometimes when stressed. So I still need to remember to behave myself.

I think the most important part of my weight loss has been getting a better handle on my emotional health and I started living again.



Above is a picture of me with my two sons on my birthday. I seen Izzy that day too. It was a nice birthday.



Above is a picture of my and my sons showing I still eat ice cream!! Yum!!



Above is my most recent picture of me at 80lbs down. I believe at the moment I am just aiming for ten more pounds off. If I can make it then I will have gone from 272 lbs to about 180lbs! I went from a size 20 and as of right now some 8's fit me. I would like to get most 8's to fit me so I can wear the clothes that I bought blindly cause they were on sale.

I admit that if I don't lose the next ten lbs I will probably still be happy. I have come a long way and I can't forget that. The important thing is to not go backwards and put the weight back on.

I honestly don't know if I could have just picked this lifestyle up before reunion. I used food for comfort and used lots of it.

Being in the right spot and frame of mind for weight loss... reunion and weight loss part one

I have spent the majority of my adult life overweight. I can't pinpoint a time where I was a normal weight. I would say that it was probably before Izzy was born. I know I did slim down a little bit after her birth.. but then in 1994 just three years later I had my son Alex and from then on for the majority of the time I was big.

I went thru different stages of being fat and okay with it and being fat and crying because I didn't want to be fat. I feared my husband at the time didn'nt love me the way that I was. I always imagined he loved skinny woman. I won't get into why I felt this way.

My highest non pregnancy weight I believe was 272lbs. It seemed like this is where my body was comfortable sitting. Sometimes, it's easy to fool yourself and just say well... at least I am not gaining weight. The picture above isn't from my first marriage cause I don't have too many digital forms of that. Before the 272 lbs.. my comfortable spot was probably 250lbs... at least I am not gaining... see how that works right?

I am at 80lbs lost as of right now. but this isn't my first attempt to lose weight. In the picture below I had lost 50lbs with the help of a diet place. My husband (ex now) were friends with an couple and they told me how she had lost weight using them.

I am unsure of how much I actually weighed here. So I am unsure if I am over this or under this. I just know that I was under 200lbs in this picture.

I can't really pin point when I gained the 50 plus pounds.. I believe it was after I got with my second husband. I lost my gym membership. Even with paying someone to help me lose weight.. I don't think I ever really learned the ins and out of the amound of calories in food or did I deal with my emotional eating.

I believed my weight got out of hand due to a few reasons.. One being out of hand food portions.. 2 being emotional eating when sad, mad ect... 3 being too much take out food.. sort of goes hand and hand with 1 and 2 though.

I did a lot of secret eating like eating fast food on the way to work or stopping for a soda and my friend little Debbie. I was never in the excess of like getting more food than one person could eat or like buying a whole box of my friends but in addition to all my other food it was all over and above the food that I needed to eat.

I always felt rotten after eating McDonald's on the way to work and then dinner too or eating one of my friends that we are not all that little. I never knew the calorie counts but knew it couldn't always be good. I would always tell myself tomorrow is the day that I will quit driving thru the drive thru and get buying the Little Debbies in hiding.

But tomorrow kept geting put off until tomorrow and I was feeling horrible. I wasn't happy. But at the same time.. I felt like my husband pissed me off I deserve McDonald's to make me feel better.. or I miss Izzy and he pissed me off... now I deserve burger king for my breakfast after my breakfast and don't forget my pop tarts that I get everyday before my 24 hour shift..

I am still a work in process. Work still makes me feel like I need something to treat myself for the job I do. At times.. I still want sweets cause I like them. I will finish this post up another day cause it's getting too long. I will try to focus more on how reunion has helped shaped my weight loss.

80lbs lost!!!

I did it!!! I hit 80.2lbs lost as of this morning!!! Soon will post a reunion and weight loss post combined!!

Upcoming Holidays

I been thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving has been cancled due to work on both my husband and mines job. It sort of depressed me. Why does money have to be so important to rule? Most likely I won't work much of my 12 hours but get paid for it. So I can't plan an holiday around what can or might not happen. I have asked my son's Dad if he would like him for the holiday and said he said yes.

I did make arrangements to have Stephen with me on the Sunday my chuch does a Thanksgiving dinner so that will be our holiday.

I been thinking about wondering how the first Christmas without Alex at home will play out? Will he get some time off and want to spend some tme at home? Will I be able to have sometime off? Will he just come in for the holiday.

I have discovered a couple ideas for Christmas gifts that I am thinking of trying to do for new Christmas traditions.

One was a Christmas eve box. It had new pj's, a Christmas movie and some snacks for the movie. I love this idea but not sure if I will have Stephen home or not so the divorce sort of robs me out of some Christmas traditions. We normally do one has Christmas even and part of Christmas day ( mostly goes to the other parent pretty early in the morning) We don't really keep track of who had what part of the holiday but more so goes about who has what going on.

Today, I read about a Mom making Christmas not so bucy with commitments of parties ect. We don't normally have too big of an issue there.. but another thing they did to save from overspending was to tell the kids to give them ideas on four gifts.. what they want, what they can wear and what they can read?

I love that idea. I am not sure I would stick excactly to that but would love to tone my spending down and get close to it.

I don't know if my little sister will come home or not from school. I thought up the idea of her and I baking lots of Christmas cookies and gifting them to our family so she doesn't feel guilty about not having money for gifts. She loves to buy gifts and doesn't have a job due to going to school right now.

There hasn't been much going on lately. Nothing new and exciting really. I been working on my fundraising and I have sold 355.00 dollars of stuff. We get 40 to 50% of that. It's been a little fun imaging I am beating Stephen's father at it. I have had a lot of people willing to help by buying something so that's been good.

My job is going good but one of my clients is becoming more high needs and hasn't been well. The other is just sweet and annoying at the same time. Haha.

My husband's job is going but I wonder for how long. He works for a gas station that has been out of gas for a few weeks if not longer. I guess it's somewhat normal so hoping the guy doesn't fold it up and move on.

Alex is going to be 19 this month! Not sure what I will be doing for him yet.

We have Thanksgiving coming up. We are not sure what's going on. We both might be working so we will probably most likely offer Stephen up to his Dad for the holiday. I hate working holidays. Not so much cause I want the celebrations but I don't want to babysit an empty house or deal with family crap. People get weird when the clients are paying nearly 50 an hour. Of course I don't see that much of it. I forget.. it double my normal pay or time and half. but let's just say either way I don't get half.

Stephen's doctor has referred us to take him to a dietian for his eating habits. So I am excited that maybe we might get somewhere. I would like to see him shape up a bit since he will have to do a lot of walking on his Washington D.C trip.

I have sold almost 200 dollars of stuff for my son's fundraising!! We get about half of that towards his trip! I am not good at selling stuff but am going much better than I thought I would do. My son's father is doing it too and it's kind of fun to see who sells most items.

My offer still stands.. donate a dollar towards his trip and I run a mile! My fitbit helps track my miles.

Challenge

I have posted below that my family is trying to help raise some of the cost of my son's trip to Washington D.C. It's possible we bit off more than we can chew in our desire to send my son on a once in a lifetime educational trip.

If your not into buying anything from the website beloew. I have another way you could help send my son in a much smaller way.

For a dollar that gets donated thru my blog I will run a mile in the cold during the winter. I actually have an appointment with an group that collects running gear and donates it so I am excited to get running again.

If your feeling up to helping run HERE.

If you donate to his trip thru this link. Please leave me a comment so I can add up the miles that I will run out in the cold.

Almost there

I am .1lbs away from having lost a total of 80 lbs!! Should see an post soon related to reunion and weight loss soon.

Celebrating Home

Celebrating Home

We are trying to raise money that will help fund some of my son's trip to Washington D.C. The fundraising will run to december 4th and can be shipped to your address. This would be perfect timing for Christmas baking and Christmas gifts. Please consider taking a look and if you see anything you would like consider purchasing from this website to help send my son on a once and life time trip.

Decision making

I have decided that it's best that for the moment I leave things between Izzy's Mom and me alone. I decided this due to three reasons.

1. Being my insecuities that I feel about motherhood in general and just don't think I am ready to deal with her face to face.
2. Being that Izzy has been really busy visiting her brother who just graduated from bootcamp and just feel that I don't want to complicate things or put pressure on Izzy at all.
3. I am just not all that sure what I would say to her in person. I am thinking it could be somewhat of uncomfortable situation and feel it's best that at the moment I just continue the little dance on facebook I think Izzy's Mom and I are doing with each other.

Nothing says six months or a year from now... these issues won't be issues or as strong of issues but the moment they are my truths. I like the term "my truths" cause I realize some thought processes could all be in my head but it's just my reality.

Maybe someday Izzy's Mother and I will be friends.. The truth is that I just don't know her. We do have one thing in common and that is "our daughter" or "her daughter" or "my daughter" We both have Izzy's best interests at heart.

So for right now. I am just going to try to be happy with the one visit I got while she is/was here in town and continue to love her from afar.

Do or don't ask is the question

I seen Izzy a couple nights ago. I haven't blogged about it in my private blog but I will do it soon. I have been tossing the idea of asking to meet Izzy's Mom or Mom and Dad in my head while Izzy is here is town.

So far tossing it around is as far as I have gotten. I am really torn if it's a right move to do or is it best to leave things the way they are as of right now.

I will say that I posted a picture of me and Izzy together on facebook and her Mom liked the picture. She has also liked a few comments that I have written on various status of Izzy's.

This makes me think that her family has warmed up to me or the idea of me and might not be as quick to push me off that cliff. But then I really don't know that they would have ever shoved me off at all. It's all in my head imagining how they feel about me. Truth is that I know nothing. All I have is what my imagination and self worth has put the ideas in my head. I do have the ignored letters so that's not in my head.

My feelings of dislike is fading little bit by bit of Izzy's parents. It's not that I don't or won't feel jealous. I am only human after all. A visit does leave me happy but also wishing for more.

I am a little worried that meeting Izzy's parents would feel like I would be judged on what kind of Mother I am or let's have a discussion about if Izzy has had a better life that I would have gave her. Again it all is probably in my head but the fear is real.

Right now Izzy's brother is graduating from boot camp so if we compare children's sucesses right now they win hands down.

Izzy is getting married in two years so sooner or later we will all probably meet each other. I don't know if this is one of those things I should just see if Izzy brings it up or not. Most likely I won't bring it up cause I am really on the fence about it but it is on my mind.

Horse ride

My weight loss has stalled a little bit and I am even up a couple pounds! It's driving me nuts!! So close to 80 lbs and then back up a couple.. I know it's still close but it does bug me. It will be the first time I gained weight since I started losing it.

I did have an experience recently that wouldn't have happened had I not lost weight. I rode a horse. The paperwork said if your over 200 lbs you had to ask about arrangements that could be made and I know I wouldn't have had it in me to ask such a question.

I was very excited and proud to be able to get my first horse ride. It was a trail ride.







Stephen rode a horse too on the same day. This was actually his 3rd trail ride! He was all excited and happy to tell everyone how he was a pro and I was new at it. His horse was probably the best behaved and he said that's cause he knows how to handle a horse.







One of my regrets in life is not discovering the park district and their programs when Alex was younger. Stephen has experienced somethings that wouldn't been affordable without the assistance we get due to income level. I love that there is programs that allow kids to experience some fun even though their parents are not loaded.

Illinois files "historic" lawsuit against for profit adoption agency

My husband who reads the chicago tribune read this news story and thought I would enjoy reading it. Feel feel to jump over and read it here.

I hope this is just the first of many lawsuits to call the companies out that are willing to break laws for profit. I am sure there are great agencies out there but I stand by my thinking that adoption and profits probably shouldn't go hand and hand. I don't get how it can always be about the best interest of the child or the Mother to be if dollars are on the table to either be lost or gained.

It will be interesting to see how this lawsuit plays out. Maybe it will open the door for many other states to stand their ground and insist that their laws are followed.

7 years!!

Today, marks mine and my husband's 7th wedding anninversey!! Like many marriages we have had our ups and downs and then all over again. I like to think we are doing pretty well these days.

One thing that I love about my husband is that he has been very supportive in my drive to lose weight. He loved me at my heaviest and continues to love me as I lose the weight one pound at a time. Currently at 79.5lbs down.

He takes up the lack of taking care of Stephen and or cooking meals so I can get my workout in.

He has been known to weigh food when he cooks so I can get proper calorie counts.

He even has been known to keep me on my toes by pointing it out to me if I am slacking at working out.. even laughs at my excuses.

He has given me my space and let me workout in the living room alone. I love that I can still get a workout in if I don't hit the Y up or get a walk in.

We have been through his drinking problem and been living the last 4 1/2 years of our marriage with him being sober. The funny thing is that once in a huge great while we stumble across an old dirty bottle. I feel in a safe spot where I can laugh about it and not panic that he is drinking again.

We have been thru my having zero contact with Izzy and her family to me being in reunion with Izzy.

We have watched facebook bring someone back into his life too. His father who he hadn't had contact with for many years. I know contact wasn't really his idea and meeting him wasn't his idea but deep down inside I think it was the right thing to do and hope someday he see's it that way too.

We are not the most romantic couple. Most likely there won't be any cards, flowers or candy. I had planned to get him a card and a candy bar just like I did for a friend but my son's playdate lasted late cause the Mom had forgotten. It's not unusal for my son to take first place.

There won't be a date. I work 12 hours. Lately, our biggest outing together has been almost a monthly trip to the Goodwill 1.23 sale and maybe lunch at Burger king! I won't lie and say I don't wish for flowers, candy or dates but it doesn't mean that we don't love each other.

Back to my trip.. Again despite not liking to travel it was a nice time. Oddly enough.. I didn't feel weird or uncomfortable around my Mom alone. Maybe, it was cause of the radio, and travel stuff to distract my mind.. or maybe it's cause I have healed enough to face my Mother without thinking of all the negative.

I felt really nice to get to see everyone and just have some time away from work.

The downside was that my little sister was sick and traveled to TN anyways and not sure if the trip make her worse but a day or so of being home she was hospitalized for her illness.

On Monday afternoon, my mom, my little sister drove in the rental to take my sister home and we stayed over. My Mom got a speeding ticket trying to get off an exit so my sister could use the bathroom. So then we stayed over and tuesday morning my mother and I drove the rest of the way home.

It was a six hour drive and the way home was much quieter than the way there. I think we had ran out of things to talk about except one thing. Her SPEEDING!! She got pulled over again!! haha.. Not easy for me not to laugh but the second time I actually didn't laugh.

The cop was nice and gave her an warning. I had to watch the rest of the way home cause she was going 5 to 10 mph over the speed limit still. So it was funny that I had to keep telling her to slow down.

Not sure where things will go with my Mother and myself. I like to think that we will continue to see each other on somewhat of a normal basis.

My trip

My trip was Saturday morning until Tuesday afternoon. My Mom picked me up at 7 am and we got on the road. I was a little worried about feeling at odds being with her alone but it wasn't nearly as bad as I would have thought it to be. So maybe seeing her more often in the last 6 months or so has repaired a little of our distance.

We stopped and had breakfast and my Mother paid for me. She paid for almost everything on our trip there and back. It makes me think about how when Alex is around how I pay for everything but just for the record.. I think the difference is that I had money and could have paid.. but I am human and if someone else is going to do it then let them. So maybe that's what Alex does to me and someday his kid will do it to him.

The drive there was slightly stressful because I felt like there was some errors in my Mom's driving that made me scared. We had two near accidents and one I know was her fault and the other she said that both her and the other car changed lanes at the same time. I felt like my Mom over corrected when adjusting the car so there were times I was scared of her driving.

Also, times where I felt lost cause she said the "L" word and felt like she wasn't condident in her directions and traveling to TN.

The time spent in the car wasn't really bad at all. We didn't speak of really heavy stuff and of course we didn't talk the whole way. We had the radio to listen to and it in itself was a converstation peice.

Saturday was a busy day. My sister treated us to this place called Parrot Mountain and it was fun. I did have a parrot eat my watch and birds pooped on us but other than that it was a blast.

I loved being able to see both my sisters. It's kind of late so I will leave ya with a picture of myself and my sisters.

Will post more about the trip soon.

Trip

Today, marks the start of my adventure of a taking a trip with my Mom. It's about a 10 hour drive and I been stressing about it. I don't care for road trips nad to be honest they scare me. I fear everything from being lost, broken down, scared of bridges to being left. Let;s not forgt that it's been years since I been alone with her.

I have had a rough week. I been stressing about this trip and some ongoing money troubles.. ya know there is never enough of it. I have tried to reduce my diet soda intake to save cash and also am worried about not being able to pee every hour and trying to get lessen the need my body has for it.

I am also in that week before my period strikes which makes me a bitch. It doesn't help that I haven't worked out this week and haven't slept well. I been pretty bitchy.

My husband has been great trying to help me get ready and see this as an adventure. Sometimes, I don't give him enough credit.

I am leaving in an half hour and coming back on Tuesday. This will be my longest time away from home so I suppose part of me doesn't want to leave home. I am excited to see my sisters and maybe even smooth things over with my Mom. I don't mean any heart to heart talks. That seems to logical for me to do.

I am going to disable comment moderations so this would be a perfect time to share with me what it is that your spouce does for you that you don't always appreciate or time to ask questions of me.

Or tell me about your favorite trip.

I didn't make my weight loss goal of 80lbs today but that's okay.

I have had an incrediable stressful week at work. My clients seem to be going down hill and wish I could fight the mental demons that is scaring one of them.

Ok. I better go. Comment away and let me come home to something fun to read. I don't know how well my phone will work there so I might not be online again until Tuusday.

unanswered letters

I feel like Izzy's Mother and I are slowly adjusting to the other one. I know the fact that I think she hated me and wanted to shove me off the cliff could all been in my head but I did have the unanswered letters. Well, anyways, I mentioned she liked the status of the flowers I sent Izzy.

Last night, Izzy posted something on facebook and her and Mom were commenting on the post and sometimes I stay out of it and other times I jump in. I don't mean jumping in fights or disagreements.. not that I seen any of that sort.

Anyways, Izzy was saying how all boys are naughty and I said not all are something to the extent that mine only fight each other. She liked my status. Before Izzy's birthday, I have been known to like her Mother's comment once or twice.

When Izzy posted about her Mom being sad that her son was gone to boot camp.. I wrote something to the extent of poor momma.. I would be crying too. Maybe it's like a slow dance. We are slowly poking around and see how far can we get. We shall see what happens in the near feature. I would love to know Izzy's Mom for her she is really is and not just the person who lied to me. I hope that makes sense.

Speaking of unanswered letters.. Does anyone ever recall me talking about writing a truancy officer a letter? I don't know how long ago it was or maybe it was written before I even started blogging.

I ran into the truancy officer that delt with my skipping, delt with taking me to court for truancy, delt with trying to get my sister into preschool. Gave me a ride home when I had headlice. Yuck! Arranged for my myself, sisters and brothers to get Christmas presents when I was in the 8th grade.

This is the dreaded year I got pregnant. See kids. don't skip school. It's bad for you.

He came to the next school to visit me. He has heard the bad news from the new truancy officer. I spoke to him last when I was about 19 years of age.

I don't have memory of this unanwered letter but it is something that I am likely to do. I get people from the past stuck in my head and I want to thank them for all they did.

I ran into him at the store the other day. I seen it was him and pretty sure and my first instint was go to him and then I decided to ignore him and then I decided I had to know.

Sure enough it was my guy who was there for me but much older. Once he realized who I was and he remembered my name he gave me a hug! He said he got my letter and it was very touching. He said I was looking well and I told him I had lost a lot of weight.

I didn't know when I wrote him but I didn't think it had been in the last few years so I told him about my reunion with my daughter and he was surprised. I felt so nice to see him and when I left I gave him another hug.

I wonder if I am the only one who forms a bond or attatchment to school officials. Is it just cause I like authority or cause I didn't get the attention from home. I almost didn't write this out of fear of feeling corny.

I do wonder why someone him or her would get a letter touching or begging and not reply. He has been on my mind lately because since my husband got his new job I drive past the diner he took me for breakfast one day after court. Don't worry his wife was there too.

I have thought about sending him a picture of Izzy and me but not sure if I will or not. Maybe do it for Christmas. I love seeing things come full circle.. people that seen me at my worst seeing me at my best 22 years later.

I figure I don't have to decide at the moment. Speaking of sending him Christmas card.. maybe send one to Izzy's parents too. Good thing we have a few months. I will probably go back and forth on these two people.

upcoming post

I am close to having lost 80lb to date! When I hit 80lb lost I will post an blog pots how I think my weight loss and my reunion have went hand and hand. So hopefully you will see a well written post about weight loss and adoption reunion within a week or two.

My trip is getting closer and I am having second doubts about my decision to go. I am not sure if it's the nerves or the smaller checks I will earn due to taking time off. I will be going basically as getting a free ride. I won't have money to chip in for gas. I will have money to pay for myself to eat but I imagine my Mom might try to pay to feed me but not sure. Not sure if I can honestly turn down free meals and not feel like a mooch.

It's seems like all at once my son is needing quite a few things and it's the things that can't be put off too long.. Like some new shoes, a new winter coat and really could use a little bit of clothes.

I really need a new phone. I tried Stright talk and it just sucked!! I can't stand it. I know a cell phone isn't as high of a need but we don't have a home phone so me having a working phone is important. It's not that I will put on cash for the phone cause they have a deal but I will have to pay about 20 more than I have been paying the last couple months. but it will still be about 30 to 40 cheaper than what I have been paying for almost 2 years.

Tomorrow I will see Alex for the first time he got his job. I don't recall how long it's been since he has been working. I think I have failed in the dept of getting over my fear and traveling to see him. I would like to get past that but honestly the hour drive there and the hour home sort of gets in the way of a tyical lunch or visit.

He is actually in town tonight but my husband and I both had to work. So he will come over tomorrow after I get done babysitting at the church and then stay the night. I told him I am free until Tuesday when I got to work.

It will be interesting to see how the job is handling him. He was getting sort of thin.

Speaking of traveling, this time tomorrow I will be in Tennesee with my both of my sisters' and her family and our Mom. I am a little nervous about the trip and hope my Mom knows I don't read a map. I am a little worried about my diet soda addiction. I can't imagine I can drink what I normally drink and still make it in decent time. I do in home care so I can guzzle lots of diet soda and water and pee every hour. I am not going to be able to pee every hour so I shouldn't guzzle so much of either liquid. I will end up with a major headache from the lack of caffiene.

I hope to be at 80lbs lost by the weekend but I doubt I will make it. I am not eating little enough food to create that big of a drop so fast.

The magical age.... is ,,, 37

I blogged about stepping out of my comfort zone here.

I can think of a couple ways that I seem to be getting stronger, braver or just plain crazy.

The first one is that I have signed my son up for a feild trip with his school to go to Washington D.C. in the spring. It will cost 1200 and his father has agreed to split the cost. I knew I couldn't afford the full 1200 on my own and he offered. I am taking a huge leap of faith that he won't let our son down.
I just think this is a once in a lifetime experience and how awesome would it be for my son to go with his class.

My son's father even mentioned bringing the trip up to friends and family about the trip and they could help pay for it. Is that tacky? Even the teacher mentioned kids begging grandparents ect.. I just think it's tacky.

Did I mention that my son will be flying?? Double yikes!! I have never flown in a plane and be honest you will not get me on one. No Thank you!!

My other big step out thing is that my little sister is getting some time off from school and wants family to get together. She has managed to talk our Mother into a trip and asked if I would go with her. Yikes!! I have travel anziety and my Mom and I just are not close and have somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship. We have seen each other more this past 6 months than I have probably in the past two years so things are much better compared to where it used to be.

I emailed my Mom to double check she was really going and didn't mind that I tagged along with her. She agreed on both accounts so in a couple weeks I will be setting out on a road trip to Tennesee and on the same day my older sister who lives in TN will be setting out to drive six hours to pick my little sister up and bring her to TN. Does my little sister have a way to get family together or what??

I have mentioned that I have travel anziety and this trip won't be any exception. I get scared easily. However, my Mom is renting a car so it's not my car so no fear there. Also, my Mom is driving so no fear there. Hope she knows I don't know how to read maps!! Yikes!! 12 hours with my Mom in a car should be interesting. Maybe it's a sign of the times to come having a Mother in my life.

My husband mentioned to me he discovered another bike path and we were suppose to check it out together cause he wanted to make sure it was safe. He was unsure I could find it on my own due to it being a couple turns in the neighborhood. So, we talked about taking our bikes and riding it. I wanted to figure it out cause I wanted to run it. Just itching to get a longer run in.

So he got all lazy on me cause he worked his normal 8am to 10 pm shift and rode his bike home! How dare him be lazy!! Just kidding about being upset with him.

I went to the YMCA where I do my run and at my half way point I noticed a sign and I thought to myself that's probably where the other track is. I checked out and just on whim actually found the running path or bike bath. What are those things called anyways?? LOL

I ran it and at one point it says that your going onto the street now and I was disappointed that it was the end so I just kept running on the road. I tried to be paying attention of what was around me to better my chances of not being lost. Running on the street is another area where I just feel weird and it was like I just didn't care what others thought. It's September 30th and warm!! Not gonna get many more warm days so gonna do what I want. 37 years of age must be that magic number when people just come into their selves and so whatever pleases them.

I say go for it! As long as it's not murder or hurting small children or animals just be you!! I ended up running almost 8 miles which is about double what i normally run. It took me two hours and then I did my strength training and had to rush home so my husband could drive himself to work.

Another way to connect

I mentioned that I had thought about getting Izzy a fitbit but she got one as an early birthday present from someone else. I believe her fiance gave it to her. I just love having one more way to connect with her. With fitbit you can have friends and compete with each other.

In the beginning I was always way ahead of her but lately she is getting ahead of me at times. I am not sure if she is stepping it up a bit or I am slowing down. I suppose it could be a combination of both.

I have even gone as far to delete some of my fitbit friends I don't know so she would come up on my screen. That was when she was kind of low on the list. I just love seeing her pretty face that the other had to go. It's just a lot of fun competing with people in general but I get so much more out of it if I know them.

I can tell when someone was near their computer or when they been active and it's fun to think oh Izzy just got home from work ect.. or Izzy had a big jump she must have done zumba or went for a nice long walk or run.

It's a way we can cheer each other on and also give each other a hard time. I guess in a way.. it's just a little bit of normal stuff to us. We are doing what we find fun and having a good time watching the numbers.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

This seems to be the year that I just keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. One example is working out in the weight room. It makes me feel odd and out of place. Somedays, I feel like I belong. Other days, I want to shrink away in a corner.

My next adventure is going to be taking take place next month and boy is it an adventure for me. I will post about it soon.

I don't know what it is about this year of stepping out my comfort zone but guess this year is the year to do it.

food for thought.

I feel like people have a wrong impression of what it means to be on a diet. I get many comments about what people think I am eating or not eating. Some people tend to think being on a diet and watching what you eat looks like this.

That isn't a diet any of us can stay on for long.

Here is a better example of a diet one could stay on for a while. This is my dinner from the other night that I took with me to work.

It is veggie chili that orginally has 246 calories. I added a serving of peas, half serving of cheese and serving of crackers. I did 200 grams of canalope. My total calorie count for dinner was 484 calories and it was very filling.

I have been doing this new workout program at the Y. My weight loss has slowed down a bit. I am working on toning and doing slightly less cardio. Here is a recent picture of me taken after my 9th workout on my new program. I am not sure if the chance is enough to be noticed in pics but I was able to do 15 girl push ups and the another 15. That is something that at the begining I couldn't do.

Just for the record. I am too shy to do the full body shots that would show the flab on my arms.

retreat weekend

I had the chance to go to Easter Seals Annual retreat yourself weekend again. It was my 3rd year going and each weekend goes way too fast.

This year was a little different cause it was the first time that I had a roommate. My friend, Susie, who I met at the first retreat was bummed out her normal room mate wasn't coming to the retreat so I offered. I had already shared a room with her and a bed at the Galena retreat so I was already comfortable with her.

I had a pretty good weekend! It was nice to get away. It seems like I have had a week from hell following the retreat. So my question is..how long until the next retreat?? haha

I am torn if I will attempt the Galena retreat or not. I know my friend Susie will want me to go but I find myself so worried about being lost and left that I really need a buddy with me badly. It's not until the spring so I have plenty of time to decide on it.

They fed us really good there and I took a bit of a diet and logging calorie break. I did the logging break cause it's really hard to count if your not preparing the food and I did the diet break cause it's hard to be in control when your not preparing the food.

I had thought I had gained weight but I am back right at my last "check in" weight and 2 oz under so that is all good.

I feel like working out has been a struggle due to my son going to school and my husband's job. I am still going but not quite as often. I started this program a few weeks ago called ActivTrax at the YMCA. It prints out a workout for me to do with me picking the cardio and then I do what machines and floor exercises it tells me to do. It's been a little bit of a challenge cause in the weight room I am not in my comfort zone.

Each time I go, I feel myself getting a little less awkward feeling around all the meat heads. LOL It's mostly strong guys in there. So I get to say I am playing with the big boys.

Every 25th, I take new pictures. It will be interesting to see the pictures this month. I don't think I have had much in the loss department but people are telling me I am smaller. So we shall see how my famous skirt and jeans look in one week. I will try to post those pictures.

Answer to a Question

Does my sister and other family members ask about Izzy?

My little sister is probably the only one that still asks about her and that I totally feel open talking to her about Izzy. Even then I feel a little guilty cause Izzy and my sister was connected thru facebook and Izzy went on a deleting spree of people she didn't talk to her and deleted my sister and quite a few of my other family members that had made the facebook connection. When I asked Izzy why she did it she said she just deleted people who she didn't talk to on there.
There were a couple people like my stepmom and her friend that Izzy deleted that I didn't care so much about.

Both my sister and Izzy recently got a fitbit so I suggested they friend each other and they did.

My Dad was really curious about Izzy until he actually met her and has never really brought her up again. He also met my very good friend that day and thought she was hot! So he continued to ask about her.

My brother and Izzy had a falling out on facebook. He was probably the only one trying to make conversations with her on there and he ended up offending her badly and she deleted him.

My big sister knows she is on there but so far hasn't attempted to friend her.

So all in all. Izzy has met my little sister, my little brother, my Dad, of course both of her brothers, my husband and even my ex husband ect cause she was invited to a party. Even though people have met her she still seems to be a topic that most people would rather avoid.

I don't know if they get that vibe from me or what. At times, I still find myself uncomfortable talking about her. I think it's the confidence thing. At times, I don't feel satisfied with our relationship and I don't really want to sound badly if I speak poorly of it. I don't want people to have negative thoughts ect. like they will look at me and think it must be my fault cause I am not good enough for her. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense.

birthday 2013

Izzy loved her flowers that I sent her. I think they were beautiful!!

She thanked me right on facebook and posted this picture of her flowers that were left at her door. It made me feel really good that not only did she love them that she shared them on facebook. The sharing on facebook shouldn't mean anything to me but I do feel left out when she shares other stuff from her family on there. I have to remember that this reunion thing is still a process that I have to accept at her level of comfort and maybe it has teken until now to feel comfortable showing things from my side of the family.

What was even more huge tham Izzy posting the picture and tagging my name is that Izzy's Mom liked the status!!

Oh wow!! I couldn't believe it. She has made the effort to acknowledge that I exsist in our daughter's life. I just find that huge! I know I have mixed feelings about her mother and at times I would love to crush her life a bug. Just a little humor!! I am only human. I get jealous. So I guess I have to accept her mother's faults of simliar traits. I don't know where the future will take us..

But I know one thing and it is that her parents did an awesome job raising her! I am grateful to them for that.

4 birthdays ago... day of celebration on my own.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I remember how torn up I was about not knowing anything about my daughter. It was a bad year. It was around this time 4 years ago that I stumbled across her profile pic on facebook. I had checked before and I had never seen it. It seems like I lived a lifetime without her and yet it seems like I have had her back for a long time. I will write more about this birthday.

To read the post from 4 years ago. Go here.

4 birthdays ago..

I thought it would be neat to go back in my blog and see where I was 4 years ago on Izzy's birthday. Here is my post cut and pasted to show what was going on in my life and my heart way back then. A lot has changed.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.

This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.

Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.

Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.

Birthday flowers

Izzy's birthday is in two days! I went with sending her flowers and it's the gift that I felt best with. It's been a tradition besides last year so flowers was my winning decision.

I had a hard time picking which flower arrangement to pick. This is the first time I couldn't look at flowers in the store and help pick them.

I went with this thing called deal of the day. So it means I am letting the florist arrange the flowers. So I figure they could use their creativity and make my little girl an beautiful arrangment of flowers. I splurged with sending 3 balloons with the flowers. If money wasn't an option I would have loved to see the surprize on her face with sending 22 balloons.. but 22 times 3 dollars is out of this world.

babies and dolls

Today at the church I babysit for I got to cuddle with a real live baby boy. The church doesn't have a lot of growing families and it's one of those kinds of churches that accepts everyone including cross dressers and I have oftened wondered if that's why they don't have many young people with children. However, all that is besides the point. Often times, they pay me to do nothing. Well, they have to pay me for my time kids or no kids.

I love it when I get the rare chance to have a baby in the nursery. There is one family that had a baby 4 months ago and they haven't been coming too often.

It was so nice to cuddle with him. It made all the child free days worth it to get that moment to cuddle with such an innocent sweet baby boy.

I have been trying to clean up my house now that I am here on my own without my husband. It's not coming along too fast and some of it is the normal dishes and laundry ect.

Today, I cleaned up 4 of the 6 of my dolls. They been collecting dust and to be honest didn't have clothes cause I had stripped them cause they were dirty.

There was a time where you wouldn't have seen my dolls all dirty like that. I don't know or can't pin point the excact reasons why. One reason I am thinking is cause the doll shop closed down. I can no longer put one on layaway and pay for it over time.

Another reason could be that we just ended up with more furniture and the dolls no longer got a lot of space to be displayed. A couple of them are in my bedroom in their bed. So they just kind of feel like they are shoved in a corner so maybe that's why.

I suppose the last and maybe most real answer could be that dolls were filling a void in my life where my real life was lacking. Not that I have a lot of babies in my life. I haven't been volunteering for the nursery in months so the only contact I am coming with babies is the rare chance with the church.

The couple years we had our grand daughter with us quite a bit gave me some insight into having a little girl in the home. I miss our time together in the morning when she would do her "make up" with me and brush teeth. It's hard to say if my grand daughter filled the void or my renewed relationship with my gorwn child that started out as a baby.

I have thought about getting rid of the dolls but I just don't think I can do that. I would rather find an happy meduim to taking care of them and finding places for them in our house again.

Maybe my daughter's upcoming birthday is awakening something inside me. I haven't felt the best this week. 22 years ago, at this time I was very pregnant with Izzy. Right now, I am very sore with pms stuff trying to kick my ass.

Friday, I leave for a retreat for Mom's with special needs childen. So it will be really nice to get away.

It's 4 more days until Izzy's birthday and 4 more days until another anniverseray of the 9/11 attacks. What has it been 12 years? I had almost forgotten about the shared birthday until someone spoke about it the other day. How sad is it that I have almost forgotten? The two on the same day cause me a lot of suffering. It made the birthday blues come early. It made the memory of Izzy pop up all the time cause rarely can you read a true story about anything withthout the mention of 9/11 coming up.

I haven't had a good week. Physically, I been feeling tired and worn down. A little sad but not much. I know it's the sypmtoms on my period before it starts going on right now.

I am not taking the day off work again. I believe it's the 2nd birthday I chose not to have the day off and make my husband drive me all around everywhere. Sometimes, I wouldn't make myself clear, and we would only be gone a few hours and I get upset.

So I just plan on working and probably not really do anything. I believe I might have a playdate set up for my son with a special needs friend so between work and the playdate hoping things will go smoothly and it won't be a depressing day.

Her bithdays are not so bad anymore. I have been in reunion shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday so I have a lot to be happy for. I don't have the kind of relationship I wish we had. I believe the distance has made things harder. I wish she never moved away but she is happy there so I guess that's all that matters.

I been at 189 followers for a very long time... anyone reading but not following?? Do me a favor and follow.. I would love to see 190 followers and maybe someday 200 followers. I imagine I maybe getting boring since I don't have a lot of drama in my life right now. I guess that's a good thing.

9 days until Izzy's birthday!! I got her new address and have decided with sending flowers but haven't decided on the dollar amount or what florist in the area yet. I only have a few days to decide because I would like it ordered and paid for by Friday. I am looking at fruit baskets on the florists website. Women answer this would you rather have pretty flowers or stuff you could eat and it's not candy? She has mentioned she saves the dead flowers so she must like them.

Desisions. Desisions to make.

need a little advice

if you would pop over to my private blog you will see what the advice needed is. Thanks.

Questions and answers

It's been quite a long time since I have done a post with Questions from readers and answers from me. So if anyone is dying to know anything about me or what is going on in my life go for it. It can be adoption reunion related or some other topic that your intrested in learning more about. Don't be shy. Ask away!!

back to school

On Monday, Stephen went back to school. He officially is an 8th grader now. There is something about him starting the last final year of middle school that makes the four years of high school seem around the corner.

Going back to school can be hard on everyone on several different issues. I think for us change of routine is hard on not only Stephen but my husband and me. We have already just got done changing our routine with my husband entering the working work force outside of home. I always want to include outside of the home cause people even me (who me) under estimate the amount of work stay at home parents do. I still say my husband was getting lazy but that's another topic. Love him anyways.

We are used to having dinner around my workout routines and being flexible with bedtime. It's not that we allow him to stay up until all hours of the night. We just had a later bedtime so it gave us wiggle room with eating. I am still working on moving dinner earlier times. It's almost 7 pm and dinner is delayed cause I got busy making some zuchinni bread. Hope it tastes yummy.

Had to take a break from writing this post so the bread was yummy and about 200 calories. It's my sister's recipe. I love that she made me a cookbook.

It can be a little expensive going back to school. My son has to wear uniforms so that is an added expensive to back to school time. His Dad finally sent child support on his own and sent 210.00 which is almost a whole months worth so it couldn't have been better timing. My husband and I were pretty impressed that he followeed through with sending in a payment all on his own. I never picked a fight with him when I learned about the job but did wait a week and ask if he was sending payment and kept on him (nicely) when it didn't come in. So maybe being nice instead of a bitch paid off.

With each new season and new change I stress about when I will get my workouts in and will I be able to incluse Stephen in those visits to the Y or find time for our new passion bike riding or god forbid I make Stephen walk. I know this sounds bad but often times I want to be at the Y for about 2 hours or more. I have started this new workout routine where it wants me to do 20 mins of cardio at least and tells me what workouts to do.

I find myself wanting to do more than 20 minutes of cardio and pretty slow learning the workouts and how the machines work. However, at the same time, it's important to me that we eat together as a family and I don't rely on my husband for all the cooking. So it sure can be a juggling act to juggle work, school, homework, workouts, family time and cooking and cleaning.

I am sure we will settle into our new routine in no time. I am already settling into doing a little more of the housework. I try to pick things up as I go and been doing dishes and laundy. Which is stuff I might have taken for granted.

Edited: To post that my son's Dad is back at his normal job driving for the schools so we should be back to our normal routine of child support coming out on it's own and being sent to me.

Also, my husband is making a decent amount more money that he did in the past so I see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to struggling to pay for things. I am even considering paying someone to come clean my house to give it a good scrubbing. Not sure if I will make it a semi normal thing or just sort of reset it back to a nice condition. Not that we are horders or anything. Cluttered and not spotless. Yes. No hording here.

Izzy wrote me that guess who got a fitbit? So buying her a fitbit is for sure off the table for her birthday. I thought about copying a cookbook my sister made for myself and my little sister but it would be time consuming and expensive to print it all up. So maybe I will hold off on that.

So my only option is a simple birthday card with or without a small gift card if I can afford it. Or flowers from a florist in her area.

I am leaning more towards the flowers.

I realized that I probably jumped the gun worrying about if I would ask to see Izzy or not. She isn't even coming until almost the end of October so I have plenty of time to think about it.

What I don't have a lot of time to figure out what to do for her birthday. It may just be a birthday card because I don't have a lot of money to spare. Truth is that I have none but I have never not given her a gift. So I do wonder how that would go.

Right now I am waiting to see that she gets moved to their new house they plan on moving to soon. I am leaning towards calling a local floriest in her area and see if for 20 or 30 bucks they can arrange a nice bouquet of flowers for her. My other thing I have thought about but not sure I can afford it is to send him a fitbit. She had expressed some interest in wanting one. My husband didn't think it was a nice thing to give someone as in implying "they have a problem" I see his point but considering she is trying to workout and all I thought she might enjoy it. Who knows maybe the fitbit could be a christmas gift.

So I guess at this point I am leaning between just sending a birthday card or sending flowers. I have sent flowers to her for her birthday up until she moved away. Well, since reunion that is.

We reunited via facebook shortly after her 18th birthday and met shortly after her 19th birthday. It's hard to believe that she is going to be 22 years old soon.

Follow up from last post

I wonder how Izzy will feel if she comes into town and I don't ask to see her. Will she feel upset and rejected? Relieved? at one less person to see? Happy not to deal with drama, if any, from her adoptive family about finding time to see me? Will she be feeling angry? Will she take it upon herself to ask me? Or go home pouting that I didn't make the effort to see her?

Izzy is flying home soon due to her Mom what I believe is paying for the trip. Is it wrong of me that I am leaning towards not asking for a visit and see if she asks me to get together? It's not that I don't want to see her but I don't want to see her just out of pity she may have for me.

What is the saying if you love something set it free? It seems like we might have one good visit and then one rushed visit. I know I should be grateful for anything that she is willing to give me but I just feel that I end up having to pick myself off the ground after the visits that don't go so well.

I know the answer to this is AM I willing to accept that I might not see her if I go with not asking her and she doesn't ask me. I will probably in the next few days or so write more in my private blog about this subject.

I feel like I almost have nothing to say on this blog. I don't know if that means I have come full circle and am happy where my life is going right now. I know for the most part this blog has served as a place where I vent about the negative stuff. I hope I have done a good job at showing the happy things too.

We are settling into a new routine at our house. My husband is working about 3 days a week. It's suppose to be mostly on the weekends but so far it has included at least one week night. I am learning how to manage without my husband. I have had to learn how to work the tv and dvd player.

I have started doing a little zumba in the living room. I just don't think doing it in the basement. I know that sounds horrible since we made Alex live in the basement. Although, as a teen I would have loved it. The basement to me seems so far away from the rest of the family and maybe Alex didn't like that. Going back and thinking maybe I shouldn't have bought a 2 bedroom house but I know I just got too caught up with house shopping and thought it was the perfect house.

I have started doing dishes and laundry and little bit of sweeping here and there and feeding our dogs. I feel like I am more productive when my husband is gone and plus I have to change my whole thinking about how he is HOME all the time. He is still home more than me but hoping with me pitching in here and there that our hosue will look nicer.

I am making Stephen help here and there too. He is 13 and no reason why he can't be expected to do more. Today, I washed his bedsheets and blankets and when I bought him back up to him he asked me "if I was going to put them on?" I said, "if you need help then I will help you. " I think I said something to the point of who do you think I am? And with the most serious voice he said if I was a tv Mom "i would be the maid" LOL Yep. He is going to be doing more around here and no more tv.

I been missing having our grand daughter here but in some ways I am enjoying not having a 3 year old. I feel like with her always being here she is stealing Stephen's attention. She is such a doll and when here she is grabbing and demands all the attention. I don't regret standing by my voicing my opionion that if my husband was to get a job that I would not be the babysitter on my days off. If I only worked part time then that would be different. I hope to see her on somewhat of a regular basis. Maybe even offer to have her for a day once a month.

My husband is enjoying the increased pay from his new job. He did say that he doesn't get hugs at work though.

I am still working out but have changed things up a bit with my husband working and Stehen being home from school. I been enjoying more outdoor activties and know the Y will be there when I want it. On the days that I run I go into the Y for my shower so it's not all wasted.

Just for the record, my child's father did finally on his own send child support. He sent 210 which amounts to almost a whole months payment at once. It couldn't have come at a better time with school starting and all. I was pretty impressed that he did it but at the same time I wasn't going to get on my knees and thank him for something he should have done. Don't mean I didn't say thank you. Just wasn't going to go overboard with it. I was pretty impressed with the system that he dropped the payment off at the post office on Friday and by Tuesday I had the money.

I have been quiet on this blog lately. Not a whole lot going on.

I did get my feelings a little stepped on when my Mom and brother took a trip to see my little sister less than a week of her moving out of our city. It bothered me she didn't even ask if I could go. I wouldn't have been able due to work. If there was any kind of notice and I could have afford time off it's possibile I could have been able to go.
Then they left to see my other sister who lives another few hours apart so my Mom makes effort to see all her children but me. I shouldn't say that. I have seen her more in six months or so than I normally do in two years.

My husband is enjoying his new job and the added bonus of making more money than he had babysitting. We do miss our grand daughter and at times I wish things were able to stay the same but to what extent does one put themselves in the hole for family?

Alex was given his first paycheck and says work is tiring cause of the 5 mile bike ride but other than that I haven't had a lot of contact with him. I have yet to make a trip on my own to see him. I have such anziety about traveling alone and even with a gps I can manage to get lost and be near tears as I call my husband and say "I am in trouble"

Stephen has had a busy summer. He did quite a few things like camp and the police academy. I think he had a great time. Stephen's Dad claims to have sent over 200 for child support out of his summer job. I have no reason to disbelieve him on it. I just hope the cash gets on my card fast so I can use it for back to school stuff. He goes back one week from tomorrow.

I have been having a lot of spare time on my hands. I have gotten my Sunday's back and no longer am working. It's my hubsand's extremly long day. So I drop him off at 8 am and then I run about 4 1/2 miles on the bike path, shower and get ready to go babysit at the church.

When I get home.. I have tried to balance it out between resting and doing things like the dishes, laundry, bedding and bathroom.. just trying to pitch in so the house looks somewhat nice when he comes home. I am not the best cleaner. I envy those that can afford to have an housekeeper come in.. I am sure that I would be cleaning before they came in though.

Hope everyone has had a nice summer. It's coming to an end.

birthday stuff

Today is my neices 22nd birthday! Which is the real kick off to remind me that Izzy's birthday is about a month away. Years ago, it would have sent me into a panic of sadness over just the thought of how sad I am going to be.

Now it gets me thinking about what I am going to get her for her birthday. There is a chance that it will only be a birthday card. I just don't have any spare money to really spend for her birthday. My other thoughts on a gift if I manage to pull it off is either flowers or send her a fitbit to track her walking.

I have one and she did mention wanting one but hadn't bought it at that time. I don't think she has but not really sure. You can learn more about fitbit here.

I really love mine and my sister bought one too and loves it.

I don't know if I have it in me to do nothing but a card. It would be the first birthday since reunion I didn't give her a gift.

Speaking of my neice. Her and Izzy were facebook friends but neither one of them made the effort that I am aware of to get to know one another and Izzy deleted her and also deleted other family of mine.

part two of trip down memory lane

My sister has moved but before she did I had soda with my Mom, my Dad, My sister and my Brother. My parents are no longer married so this isn't something that happens too often.. well at least with all of us unless it's an holiday. My parents are still friends but all that is besides the point.

After, we left our parents my sister, brother and myself went back to the motel room where we stayed at for at least 4 months.

My brother confirmed room number 9 was the room we stayed.. I don't know if they are aware of the fact but that was the place we were living when I gave birth to my daughter and was robbed of parenting her by my Mother and a system that doesn't protect under aged girls.

There is a small part of me that is okay with Izzy not seeing the Room number 9 on her birth certificate. I guess one could say it was proof that I couldn't be a parent.. my mother was one step away from being homeless with us.

My sister tried to get our Mom to go back but she wouldn't. I suppose it wasn't her proudest parent moment living there. I could have left and went with my Dad but that would have left my Mom near homeless with two young children that were being cared for by the teenage Mother so that wouldn't have worked.

The motel story is something that I have left out of telling Izzy. At the moment, I just don't want to go there. I have posted pictures and if she was to ask I suppose I would tell the truth or the half truth that I lived there once with my family.

When we were exploring I saw this guy and thought it was this manager Bruno.. it looked so liked him. But when he asked he said no... then I asked if he was a brother and he said yea.. I said you must be the younger brother cause if you were really Bruno then time did you well.

I feel like in the past year so so.. I have revisited the areas that I was afraid of and faced my demons.. The one being the jr high school that I atteneded 9th grade during my pregnancy and the year following and now this motel room.

We posed pictures just for old time sake.

Just for the record.. the pictue we all started out trying to recreate was the one of my sister and brother on the wall. There isn't any known pictures of me from that time that I am aware of.

trip down memory lane

We moved many times over the years with our Mom during my 5th grade year and didn't really settle down in an house until I was about 17 years old. Coming from having our own home until our home that our parents owned was hard on me. We no longer had the secuity of knowing for sure where we would lay or head or where our next hot meal would come. This time frame is also the time frame where my Mom checked out of being a Mother and left a lot of the kid raising to my sister and myself.

One of our spots of living was an hotel room. It wasn't nothing fancy at all. It was myself, my Mom and my little brother and sister who lived in that one room. I remember it had a little stove so we did some cooking but we survived on lot of junk. I remember having to do dishes in the bathroom sink or shower and how disgusting it was to be doing that.

My Mom was gone a lot. At first, it seemed like an adventure living there. We had cable tv and a/c in the summer.. what kid wouldn't like that.. but then it just got old! I was with my sister and brother the majority of the time. My was working a lot and spent her spare time with bf.

My breaks from my sister and brother was that my Mom would allow me to go to this diner and order a salad and soda. It was probably the healthies food I ate during the pregnany.

I believe we spent a lot of time outside while we lived there. We mingled with other people that for whatever reasons found themselves living in a motel room.

I mentioned that my sister, my son and myself were getting our worksouts in and we came to the point where I normally turn around.

My sister wanted to look around the motel.

She stepped on the stairs bare foot to feel again how those stairs hurt her feet. We remember hanging out with people that actually was paying enough to have a small apartment.

Their is only one picture of our time living in this motel that I am aware of. It's my little sister and brother sitting on the wall. My sister sat on the wall and I took her picture on it.

My feelings on this trip down memory lane.

It was very weird. The last time I had been in that parking lot was when I was 15 years old. I spent the last few months of my pregnancy there so in a sense it's where my life took a huge turn for the worse. I attempted to kill myself while I lived there before Izzy was born. I am not sure if I ever blogged about that. I tried to drink bleach. I was just so scared to death. I quickly learned that bleach isn't something that you can just drink and it goes down well.

I remember being scared and calling my Mom but don't recall if she came home or not. I didn't tell her or anyone what I did or the fact that I was very pregnant.

I am not sure my sister was aware of how much of a life changing momment I experienced while living there. I didn't bring it up. I feel like I have come such a long way. It used to be that just driving past this motel would take my breath away or going to dinner at this chinese place that was next door. I have gotten used to being somewhat near it.

However, I have never walked onto the lot and let the memories of that 1991 summer come to me. My sister and I remembered down to the room we stayed in. I remember how I broke my brothers tooth while living there.. My sister remembers something about a window. I really don't recall what she said but it looked like they got rid of the window. I remember we were accused of leaving something on the stove and there was a small fire. This didn't make the hotel people very happy with us. I remember how we had housekeeping but not sure if we used it or not since messing kids wouldn't want them to see how dirty we made it.

I remember it was where I got my first nintendo and we got our first Mario Brothers game. I think it was for my 15th birthday but I am not sure.. cause I feel like I have memories missing. If we were living there at the end of May that means I was still in school but I know I didn't take the bus to school or do I think I was getting rides.

I remember it was the first and only time I have ate rabbit. My Mom tricked us and told us it was chicken. I remember someone sharing raw shrimp with us but I know I wasn't eating it. Gross!!

I recalled having a problem being home schooled during the 8 weeks I was off of school due to having Izzy. It was an issue cause we didn't really have an home.

I posted the pictures above on FB and my brother showed them to our Mom and asked her if she knew where they were from. (i wasn't there) She didn't know where it was and if I understood it right she didn't remember living there.

It's weird how something like leaving in a motel room can keep lasting memories between my sister, my brother and myself and our Mom doesn't remember it. I suppose some of that could be that she just wasn't really around much.

My sister and I joked on fb about getting our bother there too so they can take the same picture on the wall together.. I am not sure if we will do that or not. My sister is moving away as of Saturday morning. I think it might be intresting to go there with our brother and see what his memories or thoughts of the place is.