Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Reunion and weight loss part two

My relationship with Izzy has impacted my weight loss in many ways and overall has changed my outlook on life.

I used to have really bad self esteem. It wasn't just weight related. I thought I was very ugly. I really didn't like anything about myself.
When I spotted pictures of my daughter and later met her it became hard to really think of myself as ugly since we looked so much alike.

I espeially hated getting my picture taken with my hair up cause I had an ugly face. I still rather have my hair down but now I can see my nice features and not think ill of myself. I always thought I had a horrible smile. Sometimes, I still do think that my smile sucks when posing for pictures.

I think Izzy sometimes has that same weird expression on her face and I love it.

My self worth as a person and Mother has improved quite a bit. I had taken the rejection of my letters and contact of Izzy's parents and had become to believe that I was worthless. I never believed I didn't deserve to know my daughter but it was all about me. What she could give me and not what I could give her cause I had nothing to offer since I was worthless.

Being in a relationship with Izzy at times was hard. I wanted EVERYTHING now!! I had to learn to accept what she had to offer on her timing. I threw myself into volunteering for MELD and the nusery and also Zumba.

The picture above was my first zumbathon. I was pretty new to zumba and also overcame a huge hurdle by going to the zumbathon at the school that I was attending when I was in labor and went thru the remaining of the year denying my daughter. It was the beginning of the secret and shame. Going back was huge to me and was in some ways.. saying I came out alive. The memories are there but don't haunt me anymore.

I think the biggest area of impact having Izzy in my life was getting off the day to day emotional roller coaster of not knowing about my daughter, being sad cause I don't know, being pissed cause I don't know and being angry cause no one seems to care or understand.

I slowly started being able to share my reunion story with friends and some family and didn't feel the need to eat to sooth my aching heart. I am not perfect. I still like the taste of cookies and candy too much. I still feel the urge to eat sometimes when stressed. So I still need to remember to behave myself.

I think the most important part of my weight loss has been getting a better handle on my emotional health and I started living again.

Above is a picture of me with my two sons on my birthday. I seen Izzy that day too. It was a nice birthday.

Above is a picture of my and my sons showing I still eat ice cream!! Yum!!

Above is my most recent picture of me at 80lbs down. I believe at the moment I am just aiming for ten more pounds off. If I can make it then I will have gone from 272 lbs to about 180lbs! I went from a size 20 and as of right now some 8's fit me. I would like to get most 8's to fit me so I can wear the clothes that I bought blindly cause they were on sale.

I admit that if I don't lose the next ten lbs I will probably still be happy. I have come a long way and I can't forget that. The important thing is to not go backwards and put the weight back on.

I honestly don't know if I could have just picked this lifestyle up before reunion. I used food for comfort and used lots of it.

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