babies and dolls

Today at the church I babysit for I got to cuddle with a real live baby boy. The church doesn't have a lot of growing families and it's one of those kinds of churches that accepts everyone including cross dressers and I have oftened wondered if that's why they don't have many young people with children. However, all that is besides the point. Often times, they pay me to do nothing. Well, they have to pay me for my time kids or no kids.

I love it when I get the rare chance to have a baby in the nursery. There is one family that had a baby 4 months ago and they haven't been coming too often.

It was so nice to cuddle with him. It made all the child free days worth it to get that moment to cuddle with such an innocent sweet baby boy.

I have been trying to clean up my house now that I am here on my own without my husband. It's not coming along too fast and some of it is the normal dishes and laundry ect.

Today, I cleaned up 4 of the 6 of my dolls. They been collecting dust and to be honest didn't have clothes cause I had stripped them cause they were dirty.

There was a time where you wouldn't have seen my dolls all dirty like that. I don't know or can't pin point the excact reasons why. One reason I am thinking is cause the doll shop closed down. I can no longer put one on layaway and pay for it over time.

Another reason could be that we just ended up with more furniture and the dolls no longer got a lot of space to be displayed. A couple of them are in my bedroom in their bed. So they just kind of feel like they are shoved in a corner so maybe that's why.

I suppose the last and maybe most real answer could be that dolls were filling a void in my life where my real life was lacking. Not that I have a lot of babies in my life. I haven't been volunteering for the nursery in months so the only contact I am coming with babies is the rare chance with the church.

The couple years we had our grand daughter with us quite a bit gave me some insight into having a little girl in the home. I miss our time together in the morning when she would do her "make up" with me and brush teeth. It's hard to say if my grand daughter filled the void or my renewed relationship with my gorwn child that started out as a baby.

I have thought about getting rid of the dolls but I just don't think I can do that. I would rather find an happy meduim to taking care of them and finding places for them in our house again.

Maybe my daughter's upcoming birthday is awakening something inside me. I haven't felt the best this week. 22 years ago, at this time I was very pregnant with Izzy. Right now, I am very sore with pms stuff trying to kick my ass.

Friday, I leave for a retreat for Mom's with special needs childen. So it will be really nice to get away.