Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.
This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.
Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.
Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.