Sunday, August 1, 2010

Dear birthfather (Todd)

I am trying to think towards the end of our relationship. My memory is a little fuzzy so please forgive me if it's a little off. I remember you doing taking advantage of me. One way was sexual and very cruel. It might have been one of the reasons I finally just accepted that I didn't need you. I don't remember you being in trouble with the law, but you did some shady things that could have led to that. I remember that you and your buddy both moved. However, before you did. I have a very clear memory of standing, in front of you, wearing these light blue jeans and telling you that I thought I was pregnant. I remember it was after Christmas, because my school sent home Christmas presents for my family and the jeans was one of the presents. Your reaction to my news is very clear. You gave me a little smile and told me no your not. You are going to be fine. I so badly wanted to believe you. After all, you were about five years older than me. I tried so hard to trust you and for a while, I convinced myself that I was fine. I wasn't pregnant. I was in denial.

After you moved, I didn't see you unless you chose to come see my where I lived with my family. You wouldn't tell me where you were. My memory gets really fuzzy here. At some point, we have to move and we stayed with an aunt. But not for long. My older sister admits that she is pregnant and is told to get an abortion and refuses and then has to move. Shortly, after that, my Mom and me and my little sister and brother end up living in a one room hotel room.

I am in between being in denial and facing reality. I was afraid to tell my parents that I was pregnant because I didn't want to get an abortion. I feared that I wasn't as strong as my sister and that would have been our babies fate. However, I feel that my not telling that I was pregnant sealed her fate into being placed for adoption. I wonder did you run away from the fact that I was pregnant or did you not believe me? I am sure that it didn't help that I didn't tell my family. I also wonder did you know where I was? Between you moving and me moving.. there is a good chance that you just couldn't come back and see for yourself. Back in the 90's. It wasn't like today where you could have called my cell phone.

Starting to write these letters has brought up some memories of you. Some are good and some are bad. Mostly, I am sad for you. I don't think that I have ever thought too much about your loss to adoption. We hear so much from birthmothers and not so much from birthfathers. I wonder did you go on to get married and raise a family? I really hope that you have found some happiness in your life.


Alex said...

Everyone always asks if I've found/been in contact with my birth mother. They never think to ask if I've been in contact with my birth father. That makes me sad for birth fathers. I think its nice that you're thinkng about the impact on him now.

birthmothertalks said...

I have thought about his loss before but never on a really deep level. There is more to the letters but I had to take a break.