Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dear Birthfather (Todd)

Dear Todd,
I haven't seen or heard from you in many years. I think this will be the first of a few letters. I have so much that I want to ask and tell you. I know that you won't be reading this unless by some odd chance our two worlds meet through this blog.
I met you way back when I was a teen. I am pretty sure that I was a 7Th grader but it could have been the summer after 7TH grade. My parents had split the year before and my Mom had a new boyfriend. She really wasn't around much. I basically hung with my older sister and that is how I met you. I remember we went to an apartment that a bunch of people were partying. I guess it was her crowd of people. I really didn't hang with a crowd.
When we met, I think you were about 19 years old. Old enough for war, old enough to smoke but not old enough to drink. I think you were slightly taller than me. You had blue eyes and awesome dark hair. You kept it long. I remember how wavy it was. You were fit. I remember how you had some muscles on you and you had an amazing smile. You could charm any girl. You were my first love. I don't think any one could forget their first love.
We were together for about a year, but it could have been less. I really don't remember. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn't remember your last name, because I couldn't pronounce it. I remember walking up to main street to visit you at your apartment that you shared with a roommate. It's been so long. If it wasn't for the daughter that we created, I would wonder if you were all just part of a young girl's imagination. I remember a few things about you. I remember how you told me you were adopted and didn't have much to do with your family. I remember you told me that you were part Italian . However, I never really took time to really know if you meant that it was in your blood or you were adopted into an Italian family. I remember how you talked about your first love. Her name was Johanna. You always said that a part of her still loved her. I remember feeling a little jealous. I wanted all of your love.
I remember how you seemed to have some mixed emotions going on. One day, you would try to convince me to run away with you. I stayed up almost all night waiting for you. Then, another day, you were trying to break up with me. I remember you telling me to hang with my own age of kids. Maybe you didn't love me anymore and it was an out. Or maybe you knew that you were too old and trying to break things off for that reason. Most likely, I will never know. One in a great while, I do wonder about you. I wonder if I would ever run into you again. I wonder if I would be happy to see you or if I would feel ill feelings toward you. Right now, I really don't know. I feel their are a lot of unanswered questions between the two of us. It's not as if getting the answers will change the past but maybe it would provide some more healing.

Well, that is enough for one letter. I will write you again someday.


JAMCAT's said...

Hi there - I was wondering if you can please e-mail me. I would like to talk to you.

JAMCAT's said...

I guess you need my e-mail address. lol