Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The bad daughter

Sometimes, I feel like I am the bad daughter. I already know that when my Mom is old that I won't take care of her. Or at least I am pretty sure that I won't. I don't think it would be good. I barely see my Mom and sometimes I have to wonder did I do something wrong? Why is my Mom the way she is? Why can't she choose to pick up a phone or choose to know her grandsons?

Then, there is my Dad. He used to be an over the road truck driver and can't anymore because of health. He is calling on me and my sister more for little things and sometimes just someone to sit with for coffee. It's always about him. What's wrong with him or how his wife drives him crazy.I love my Dad. I love him more than my Mom because he has been there. But sometimes, I am mad at him. I am mad that he praises my Mom. I am mad that I get lectured that I should get with my Mom. I am mad that he checked out of my life long enough not to notice that I was needing him. I am mad that my whole family chose to go on and if nothing happened. I am mad that he still only has eight grandchildren. He has nine! But when he did for the moment or two claim Izzy has his grand daughter, I was mad. Suddenly, he was the devoted grandfather that wanted to meet her. Hello? She was sent to live with strangers who became her family and their family became hers. I am mad that I have to fight depression of all the time. I have my coping tools that keep it down but not if I skip a day because he wants to have coffee. I am working full time again and the days that I don't go to the Y, sometimes, I still don't want to go have coffee. I want to relax at home or go hang out with my friend. Or I want to hang with my family. I feel like I am the bad daughter. I should just get over it and be the good daughter to my parents. But I am still angry that they failed me for years. Oh and by the way, two of those grandchildren are not even blood. They are my step brothers kids. He raised him so I can see why he claims them. But it still pisses me off. I feel bad for just expressing these thoughts. I could never tell my Dad these things. I know that I should be good. He didn't mean to fail his kids. He didn't want to walk away but he did. And left my Mom with four kids and didn't pay attention to how we were being raised. So, I am mad and sometimes I am tired of playing nice and don't want to sit for coffee.


Michelle said...

feel free to ignore me & disagree, but for your sake, i'd like to give my two cents. please know it's coming from my heart & i am in NO WAY judging you or claiming to know the full story - nobody does but you. ;-)

i'd hate to see you live with REGRET. everyone has things they regret, and having placed your child into an adoptive family, i'm sure there are things about that situation that give you feelings of regret in one way or another. even if i'm wrong on that point, EVERYONE has something they regret. it's part of life.

i would like to encourage you to think long & hard about your relationship with each of your parents. if things go in the way they usually do, you will outlive them, and you'll have the rest of your life to remember how you interacted with me. do you want to realize later that you should've treasured the time that was left & the chances you had? do you want to live the rest of your life wishing you'd done something differently?

please understand that i am NOT necessarily saying you should take care of your mother, have coffee with your father, etc., or do things any differently.

what i AM saying is that it's something you should really be sure about. look into the future as best you can, and imagine how you'll feel if you do (or don't do) certain things. do that for each of your possible courses of action, and be sure that before you follow one of them, you understand ALL of the implications of that decision.

again, i'm not saying you should or shouldn't do certain things... just trying to encourage you to make sure you're making the right decision FOR YOU. what's best/right for me is different than what's best/right for you or anyone else in the world. i'd just hate to see you live with the "what if's" and "if only's" later... everyone has enough of those already, and i'd hate to see you have more. :-)

- michelle

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks for the long comment. I honestly feel that when it comes to my Mom that I have done all I can. I see her once or twice a year and it's only because I made the effort. The longest we went without talking was one whole year. I get tired of feeling like she just doesn't care. Sept. is a hard month for me. As for my Dad. I am still adjusting to him not working. He has always been in my life but never so demanding of my time. It's not really even a lot of time, but I feel like I am forever fighting off depression and sometimes I can't afford the just sitting. When it has come to talking about my daughter with my Dad most of the time.. they just pretend she wasn't mentioned. So sometimes it's just plain hard to be the good supportive daughter.