I want to continue from yesterday.... When I left the church, I was happy that I got the job, but no where the amount of happiness I felt when I started volunteering for Meld. I went from happy to pretty darn sad.
I had a choice though. I could sit around the house and hang on the computer or go do something. I chose to go to the Y. I walked, I swam, I lied in the sun and swam some more. The exercise gives me strength to make it through the day. Relaxing in the sun, gives me sometime to just rest my mind. Well, for the most part.
From what I understand about the kids that were there is that it will most likely be the same every week. Once in a while, there maybe a child that pops in because they are with an member of the church. I think I was sad because there weren't any girls and the likely hood of girls being there is slim. I wouldn't want to walk into a room with five girls but can't there be at least one? I love little girls and I have to wonder is this another crazy joke that God is pulling on me?

A couple days ago, my husband was telling me how the neighbor girl is always looking at my dolls and shocked that I actually change their clothes. He said that sometime that I should maybe let her help me. I said, I don't think I could do that. I think I would cry. If it was in a setting with five other kids, I wouldn't have time to think or feel. It would just be a thing to do and a memory. However, if it's one on one with my doll. I think it would be harder. It's not that I couldn't do it. I just don't know if I am ready for it. Dolls to me represent something that I have lost with my daughter and will never get back.

It's not that I can't be with little girls. It's just still kind of hard. I really got used to this other neighbor girl and she moved. So, I am afraid of getting comfortable and close and then poof they are gone.

Overall, I was really sad. Meld has been mostly boys this past ten week session. Then, I get a little paid job of babysitting and it's all boys. It won't change how I take care of them. I won't even daydream of little girls because there wouldn't be time for that. I don't want to be a little girl's Mommy. I lost that chance years ago. I just want to be able even if it's only for a moment or two to experience some of the girl moments. I want to run my fingers through a little girls hair. I want to hold a little girl in my arms as she falls asleep. I want to comfort her when she is cranky. I want to rub her back. I want to see a little girl in a dress and tell her how pretty she is. Just for a moment, I want to experience what it might have been like to be a Mom to Izzy. Only for a moment though. Any longer would be allowing myself to feel too much happiness. I would love every moment of spending time with the little girls. However, I never if I can just be happy to lived that moment or if I will be sad, because I will never be the person the little girl seeks out when she wants her Mommy.